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The first time they kissed, It was an accident. Well, mostly. The PD wanted them to film a few different challenges, and one of them just so happened to be the pocky challenge. Raebin had been nervous. He remembered what Ahyeon looked like—he was about to pass out; Moondae was vehemently against it, not because he had any worries about the actions itself, but because of the “shipping wars.”
Nonetheless, Raebin was paired with Eugene, and he knew from the moment his name was pulled out of the hat that things were going to be okay. Maybe that was weird to think, but it was Eugene, so that sort of explained everything.
Raebin over-thought everything. Every conversation he had, the slightest mistakes would replay over and over again in his head. He wasn’t nervous like Ahyeon, but he was anxious, and oftentimes he could come off as abrasive. His time as a trainee had taught him that every interaction needed to be perfect, and that even if he wanted it too, his music couldn’t just speak for him.
Moondae was different. That was what made him so cool in Raebin’s eyes. His voice said everything he needed too, and he let Raebin do the same. It was refreshing—But Eugene was on a whole different level.
Eugene was different then people described. They always assumed that he didn't care about anything—He was always happy all of the time. That wasn’t reality. Eugene was absolutely someone who thought things through. Not all the time, Of course. He was impulsive, he was easily excitable and overly cheeky. He was troublesome and charming and calling him a “himbo” as Bae Sejin had once said was not incorrect.
But Raebin thought all of these things didn’t really encompass who Cha Eugene was. When he thought about that, his mind floated back to the days before Idol Incorporated and Testar—when it was him and Eugene against the world.
He remembered the way Eugene’s grip on the microphone shook, the days of icing bruised muscles. Raebin talked the most the first month they were together—because no one else responded to his broken Korean and Raebin couldn’t bear to say no to him. His Cha Eugene was the one who laughed brightly to calm shifting nerves, who acted carefree because Raebin couldn’t.
Cha Eugene was someone who cared. He was impulsive and easy to impress, excitable like a puppy dressed as a tiger, and he took every leap of faith with a bright grin and shaking hands and a not-quite false bravado. Cha Eugene cried when people didn’t get along because he loved too much and hated so little that the idea anyone could hurt each other brought him to tears.
People misunderstood Cha Eugene because they assumed he didn’t see the chasm below him when he took the jump. Raebin loved him because he knew and he jumped forward anyways. Abandoning cautiousness so that you can fly, not because you cannot see the drop but because you want to succeed no matter what.
That was Cha Eugene.
So when he was paired with him for this, Raebin wasn’t really worried. Because it was Eugene, and that meant it was going to be okay.
It was a bit nerve-wracking to do on camera, but this was literally his job, so he accepted it.
He wasn’t worried about being seen as gay either. Raebin had long since accepted he wasn’t straight, though he usually avoided admitting it out loud. He had never had the chance to be homophobic, not really. His sister had liked girls for as long as he remembered.
His parents(former now, as he was officially disowned months ago) had always known—but they told her to keep it quiet, keep her love hidden away. As long as she never dated, no one would ever know, and their reputation would be fine. His grandparents hadn’t known—they took her in when his parents kicked her out.
Raebin remembered before then, being fourteen and hiding one of her girlfriends from them, pulling her into a closet with him. Her name was Han Ji-Woo and she played a game of cards with him as they had sat there—Raebin, fourteen with acne bubbling up on his face and social anxiety worse than you could imagine, and cool-headed Han Ji-Woo , freshly 17 years old with red tinted lips and choppy short hair with streaks of blue running through it.
His Noona raised him more then his parents did, and that meant that instead spending his teenage years listening to their rants about the immorality of gays, he would sit out on the balcony of his sister’s apartment that he wasn’t supposed to have the keys too, or his Granparent’s flat where he usually stayed, leaning against the railing and mixing music as his sister and Han Ji-Woo and all of their friends with new names from different places spun up tales about how they came to be.
It was Ji-Woo, older and braver, with longer choppy blue hair and purple lip tint who encouraged him to sign up, who helped him fill out his first audition form, who convinced his grandma to sign off on the form when his parents refused.
So no, Raebin wasn’t ashamed, and neither was he dense enough to believe he was straight. But he hadn’t labelled himself, nor did he really plan to. People could think what they wanted, he decided.
Of course, none of that mattered now as he took a stick of pocky and passed it over to Cha Eugene.
Eugene, rather predictably, did not even remotely play by the rules of the game and ate half the thing before Raebin could blink. When he did blink, he opened his eyes to Eugene’s lips on his, and pulled away after a moment, so he could remember the feeling of his lips. He sighed fondly, slightly exasperated. This idiocy was to be expected, after all.
They were supposed to play three rounds, but the cameraman pulled He and Eugene aside and decided they had more than enough footage.
The others had been looking at them then. Raebin had felt Moondae’s gaze piercing through him—it was maybe a bit stressful.
Raebin liked the kiss though. It was a very Cha Eugene kiss—eager and accidental, and he liked that. Just a little bit.
Moondae won both of his games, which wasn’t super surprising because Keun Sejin would never take a risk like accidentally kissing someone on live television and Ahyeon passed out from being flustered before Moondae took a bite.
Apparently Bae Sejin had won between him and Chungwoo, and that had been the closest match. Raebin wasn’t really sure who won their match—probably Eugene, but that would depend if they kept the video at all.
It was probably going to be pretty hard to deny Raebin’s attraction to men now, all things considered. He decided that Eugene was too pretty for him to care.
Of course, Park Moondae did not agree with his assessment, something that became immensely clear the moment they got back to their apartment(and made sure the cameras were off.)
“Was that unintentional or do we need to keep you six feet apart during shoots?” Raebin resisted the slight urge to laugh. Why was that Moondae’s first question of all things? He really was egalitarian, huh?
“I admit I’m curious as well.” Keun Sejin’s face was tight in a way that reminded him of how he was during the first time they had shown support for the community. It worried him just a bit.
Ahyeon added to both of their statements. “O-only if you’re comfortable of course… Don’t feel like you need to do anything…” he spoke with more resolution than Raebin expected.
Raebin thought about their words. He.. didn’t really know what to feel. “We aren’t dating, if that’s your worry.” He responded, still in thought. Did he want to be dating Cha Eugene? …
Eugene didn’t wait for an answer to his mental question because he turned to Raebin and blinked at him once or twice like a confused kitten, before nodding at Raebin’s comment.
Bae Sejin looked at Eugene for a moment before squinting. “What are you pondering about?” Raebin turned at that, and realized he had been mistaking Eugene’s “I am a clueless idiot” face with his “I am a clueless idiot with thoughts” face again.
“I’m deciding if I like Raebin’s lips enough to kiss them again.”
Raebin could feel his face heat up, he shoved Eugene roughly, though fondness leaked into his voice as he spoke. “What is wrong with you? Don’t say things like that.”
Chungwoo seemed to realize something and promptly looked to the others. “How about the two of you chat among yourselves for a bit? I feel like we’re all intruding here.”
Spoken like a true leader. Raebin’s buzzing thoughts quieted down as the rest of the members gave them some space.
He was left with Cha Eugene still looking at him—Curiosity blooming over his features and a small smile on his face. Idiot.
“Raebin, aren’t they overreacting? This is just fanservice, isn’t it?” Eugene leaned over his shoulder. “Unless it isn’t. I’m not good at telling the difference anyways.”
Raebin sighed. He shouldn't have expected anything else from Eugene, who didn’t really get romance anyways. “You are an utter idiot.”
They ended up on the couch. Cha Eugene’s head in his lap as he looked up at Raebin. Many thoughts passed through his mind, but the main feeling that came into his heart was fondness. The other’s questions whispered in his mind, but Raebin found himself not caring too much.
He and Eugene had been together for a long time. They had spent years in the same company, with each other as their only source of comfort. It was why he couldn’t put the love he felt into words—because there weren’t any, for Cha Eugene, took all of his words anyway because he needed the Raebin dictionary.
Cha Eugene, who laid his heart out on his sleeve not because he was naive but because that was who he was, who held Raebin as he cried when his Grandma was still at the hospital, who always had a hand on his shoulder or side because he knew Raebin didn’t mind as much as anyone else from years of exposure to his antics.
“Do you think I’m supposed to love you?” Eugene looked up at him, whispering in a voice that held an unexpected uncertainty in it. “Is it wrong if I do, Raebin? Is it wrong if I don’t?”
Eugene always thought too little yet too much. “Idiot. You never listened to anyone before about this, why does it matter now?” Raebin scoffed. His fingers had at some point found themselves buried in Eugene’s scalp, gently combing through his hair in some form of communication. Eugene leaned in like he always did, but his face was troubled.
Eugene switched to English like he always did when he was stressed, so Raebin tried to catch the words he did know to understand the ones he didn’t. “[What … I’m wrong? ……. Doing and seeing and—]” Raebin sighed. Eugene just kept rambling on and on and the more he spoke the less he understood because Eugene kept speeding up.
It was times like these where Raebin wished he understood English better. He wasn’t any good at speaking or listening, despite trying quite a bit. Best use what he could. “Eugene. [I no speak English, idiot.]” he was sure he had said something off, but Eugene still perked up like he always did when Raebin spoke English, even just to say he did not, in fact, understand what he was saying. He sighed, switching back to Korean with some effort. “I don’t think I love you like anyone wants me too.”
“How do you want to?” Raebin pressed, leaning down so that he and Eugene were eye to eye. “And since when did you care what other people think, Cha Eugene?” Raebin watched the color rise in his face in a way he hadn’t seen before. Eugene shut his eyes, covering them for a moment before speaking again. “Don’t look at me like that, your face is too pretty.”
Raebin sighed, gently pulling at Eugene’s hands which now covered his eyes. “Flattery will get you nowhere, didn’t I already tell you that?” Yet, his cheeks still tinted red all the same.
Eugene finally relented, letting Raebin’s hands guide his own and blinking up at him again, finally speaking his mind like Raebin wanted him too. “I love you like I love Kim Raebin, since there is no alternative. I don’t feel like this about anyone else. But I also don’t know if it’s love, love like the one in Hollywood movies and K-dramas with all the feelings and hearts cause it’s just you and me, like always. [Does….make sense], Raebin?”
“Yeah, it does.” Raebin thought on it for a moment. He probably did love Cha Eugene romantically. Eugene felt something else, he thought. Love with a name no one knew but himself, sat inbetween friendship and romance in an unknowable place. But Raebin wouldn’t want a Eugene who loved him like the movies, because that wasn't how Cha Eugene was. He loved in his own way, and that way was enough. More than enough, really.
“Should we kiss again? Just to make sure?” Eugene sat up now, leaning into his space so much he could feel Eugene’s breath on his cheeks. “You can just say if you want to, dummy.” Raebin leaned in first this time, brushing their lips together gently. He pulled away before he could really feel it, a swirl of emotions coming to the force front of his mind. Yet—it didn’t feel so serious, with Cha Eugene. Just sweet. Maybe if a playful kiss was Cha Eugene, this one could be Kim Raebin. Maybe.
Eugene was silent for a long time, after that. He leaned on Raebin’s side, burying his face in Raebin’s neck. It was a familiar comfort, and one Raebin couldn’t help but indulge every time.
He spoke first, then. “I liked it.” He didn’t say anything else, because for once he had nothing else floating through his mind. It was his favorite thing about being with Cha Eugene—every part of his life felt simpler, like his mind recognized Eugene and decided to let itself rest, loosening the tightly-bound multicolored thread of thoughts and anxieties in his head.
“Is it okay that I want to kiss you again? Another time, a different day?” Eugene spoke hesitantly against the crook of his neck, not without fear but with words dipped in the almost-certainty he always had when he was sure his answer was right and terrified of it being wrong. “Yeah. It's okay.” He whispered the words into Eugene’s hair, before letting his body fall slack against Eugene’s, letting the American-Korean hold him up. “We are what we are. Everyone else can make their own assumptions.” He spoke at last, a sense of certainty coming to mind.
“Kay.”
And that was that.