Chapter Text
Surviving.
That word, at its core.
What did it mean?
Well, Mattie figured it was pretty subjective, depending on who you are, and what values you have.
Was surviving just getting by, if even by a thread?
Or did it mean leading a credible life, if not at least decent.
He, of all people--knew that each and every person was cut from a different cloth, and who was he to change that? Why does it matter to him, survival, in every sense of the word. Was he getting by? Well, it depends on who you'd ask that.
In most cases, most likely. He wasn't not surviving, but he wasn't making it in life either.
Divorced--hell, never even married--parents who make next to nothing at their jobs (which really made him wonder, what do they do with the money they get?), the nuance of coming home from school to a microwaveable TV Dinner with a post-it note on-top that says
You can heat this up for dinner
I'm coming home from work when you're asleep.
XoXo
Or something stupid like that, written in sloppy pen. Those stupid frozen meals always had bits that didn't fully cook, and meaty bits that were disgustingly chewy, as if trying to eat rubber. Mattie would rather his mother's shitty cooking over those disgusting things.
But no, because of course she had to be at work for a whole 10 hours each day. He knew what happened beyond the door of the house, he just couldn't prove it. Plus, it would just cause his parents to fight and he'd have to try to de-escalate it, or just listen to Hole with the volume blasted on his MP3 player in his room until they stopped fighting.
It was annoying, but he'd often just text his friends, or pace around his room talking to himself when he had nothing else to do whilst they fought.
As much as he hated school, it was a necessary escape from home. As he thought of it, school was an escape for home, and home was an escape for school, meaning he was never truly at peace, but he achieved something he considered close enough to such; the revelation that he could just smoke during lunch break. Being a blossoming high school student meant more freedom, yet so, so much more responsibility. But whatever. That's the least of his concerns. What did concern him, was the fact he didn't have a cigarette. Fuck.
He flicked his lighter, miffed by the inconvenience. His dad would've murked him if he was caught stealing a couple from his packs, so he shyed away from that, usually just getting dealers of dealers of dealers to give him the stuff, though he'd pay tenfold the retail price, because most seniors are greedy as hell.
He cracked his knuckles, stretching his legs out before him on the pavement. He could've taken his over shirt off and rested on it, or his backpack, but he was too lazy, so he just half-sat half-layed, hunched over. He tucked his legs closer to him, head hitting the brick wall of the school, creating friction with his beanie. People walked by, making their commutes to the strip of stores nearby to buy food and drinks before class bedreadingly began again. Ugh. He almost groaned out loud thinking of it. People watching like the loser he was, Mattie saw a few people he recognized, just people who've asked him for money in the past, or classmates he had to awkwardly interact with during group projects. God, he hated projects, or anything in groups, really. But one person stuck out. His tutor, Katelyn, was it? He didn't quite remember her name. She wasn't the most open book he'd seen. She might've introduced herself maybe once, just by name. Even still, he remembered her face as if it was burned into his mind.
She was dark-skinned, lanky and always wore hoodies and pants, basic like everyone else. Her hair was what Mattie really remembered though. The long--almost down to her hips--jet-black hair with a single purple streak, and the same purple headband she'd always worn. He was sure her favorite colour was purple. He couldn't say he was fond of her, due to his intimidation of her, but what he couldn't deny was her attractiveness. She was quite conventionally attractive. Or maybe he just had a certain type. She had her bangs parted in a side fringe, but not in a loser way. Mattie had always tried to do that, but his bangs weren't voluminous enough for it to look half-decent, and not like a middle schooler getting their school photo taken for the yearbook and trying to look all formal as possible with a side sweep.
He yawned, watching her walk by. A part of him wanted to talk to her, to ask ''hey, when's the next session'' or something like that, honestly just an excuse to talk to her at all without coming across as a lame-o poser for her to bully. Realistically, due to her shy and polite disposition, she probably wouldn't, but Mattie was afraid deep down she'd be like, 'ew, why is this weirdo talking to me, he's such a poser. I BET he couldn't name FIVE MCR songs. tch.' or whatever the usual pretentious emo would say. Was it emo? He wasn't sure which subculture was big on My Chemical Romance. What a shame. It was definitely one of them though. He spent more of his time carving stuff onto the wooden tables in Computer Science (or his wrists) than listening to poser rock.
To his surprise, Katelyn, (Or was it Caroline?) Didn't just walk by as the others did, but paused. Then, as Mattie thought it was just a fleeting moment, and she'd scoff and go back to walking, she sat down on the brick underneath the window, feet barely off the ground. She was looking down at him. ''Oh, hey.'' She spoke quietly. Why did she genuinely wanna be around a dork like him, especially when she has so many other friends? No, literally. He was called 'Geek of the Week' by his classmates. What did she wanna do around him? It was pretty much social suicide, sitting with the outcast who can't do simple division for the life of him, the one who looks more like a butch lesbian than a boy. The boy with acne all over his face--donning him the nickname ''Pizza Face''.
''Hey, Kate.'' He hesitated on the last part. He wasn't even 100% sure what her name was, and if he fucks it up, that would put him in generational social credit death. ''Katherine,'' She hummed, voice soft on the air like the sound of a stream bubbling over pebbles. ''It's Katherine.'' Matt's breath stuttered. Yup, he's fucked. He's so fucked. Forgetting someone's name? Someone you see at LEAST once a week? Rookie mistake.
He dug his nails into his thighs through his black denim jeans, ignoring any pretense of embarrassment. ''Don't worry.'' She muttered, this time slightly louder. ''People forget it lots. it's nothing I haven't heard before. Kate, Kathleen, Caterina, whatever starts with a 'k' sound, really.'' She laughed dryly, obviously hearing this more than enough. ''I have a horrible memory with names. I only remember faces.'' He explained, hoping she'd smile and forgive him, and hopefully be on her way. He couldn't tell if he was being obviously preformative or not, so he kind of just wanted her to go away.
Well, this isn't going so bad. Could be worse. I need a fucking cigarette.
His eyes widen, coming to a revelation again. Since she's a grade older and oh-so intimidating and cool, maybe she'd have a cig to spare. ''Heyy.. Help a friend out, man..'' He started, trying not to crack up. ''D'ya got a cig?'' He asked, head tilting slightly. ''Um, yeah. I have some on me.'' She nodded quietly. Damn, was she always this quiet? He'd feel bad telling her to speak up, so he just nods along and hopes he heard right. ''Is it chill if I have one?'' He asked. Is it chill? Who fucking says that?! During the moment of his internal panic, Katherine hesitates for a moment, before sighing and pulling one out of her pocket. ''Here.'' She handed it to him, the cigarette resting between her index and ring finger. ''Thanks, Kath.''
The girl seems taken aback by the shortening of her name for a heartbeat, before hunkering down onto his level and sitting beside him calmly. Her eyes lingered as he fumbled with the lighter, making him sweat just a little bit. After getting it lit, he takes two long puffs, before tapping it with his fingers, sending little ash and soot particles flying. She held her hand out expectantly. Mattie looked over, blinking. Oh. So they're sharing now. ''Yeah, here.'' He passed the burning cigarette over, leaning back against the brick wall more comfortably, so he doesn't look akin to a prawn while she was sitting so daintily. One thing he figured out through time is that she was trans, just like him. The only difference was, she passed way better, therefore most people being unknowing of her identity. He hated how he envied that.
After a bit of puffing-and-passing, Katherine decides to speak. ''You know that feeling when you know you could've changed the outcome of something if someone just heard you out?'' Mattie paused, eyes squinting as he processed this. He couldn't say he hadn't between his parents arguing, and the friendships he'd lost over petty disputes. ''Is this related to tutoring? 'cause save it until after school.'' He stretched. ''No, no it isn't.'' She shook her head stoically, as Mattie had remembered her being within the living room of her house during their.. sessions. Oh. Fuck. He's dense. ''I was just asking.''
''How come?''
''Argument. With a friend of mine.'' She huffed, exasperation barely hidden within her tone.
''Happens to the best of us,'' He began. ''What happened?''
''It's not like you'd get it, plus I'm already over sharing. I guess you seemed the type to understand what I was getting at, but I suppose not.''
He felt a little offended she assumed he wasn't a good listener, just because he was a BIT dense, but whatever. ''I mean, I can still try to understand, even if I don't fully.''
''It was just over a game.'' She shrugged, obviously not wanting to be pressed further, or to speak another word of the argument, despite there being a world more of things she hadn't mentioned.
''Been there,'' Mattie agreed.
For a while, they sat in relative silence, save for the sound of mindless chatter from other students, cars driving by, and footsteps. They quietly continued the ritual of taking puffs from the cigarette before passing it to the other party, silently like a routine they had learned seasons before. ''I actually don't mind tutoring you.'' She spoke, soft as usual. Mattie perked up a little, feeling like a dog getting called a good boy. Ew, embarrassing. He wanted to keep his social cred, so he came up with a stupid retort. ''And I GUESS I don't mind being your student,'' He stuck his nose up, eliciting a small laugh from Katherine. ''...Sometimes.'' He added, rolling his eyes playfully. ''I'll take it.'' Her lips negligibly moved to form the slightest of smiles. He appreciated banter like this, even if it was kind of cringe. He just really wanted her to think he's cool, really.
They continued talking for a bit, if not then they'd be trading puffs from the cigarette until it got to the filter. Soon after, the warning bell rang. ''I've gotta go, my class is far from here.'' Katherine excused herself, dusting her legs off incase they got anything on them from sitting on the concrete. ''All right, have fun then.'' Mattie nodded. ''You wanna come over tonight? For tutoring.'' The last part made Mattie feel a little disappointed but maybe she'd change her mind and think ''wowzers.. that matt guy's got it going ON! I think I wanna take him back to my place..'' or something like that to inflate his ego. Well, even still, he had places to be, so he picked up his blue-gray Jansport bag with band patches and denim pieces. ''Got it, text me whenever you're free tonight.'' He nodded, making his way to class.
Wow, maybe love is real. Either that or Mattie's really fucking cool.