Chapter Text
[Two people stand on the grass in a busy public park. It is mid summer and the leaves on the trees are rustling with a slight breeze.
On the left is Ilya Rozanov wearing a white tank top and blue jeans that almost conceal a pair of obnoxiously yellow Adidas trainers. His gold cross is visible at his neckline, matching the simple golden band on his ring finger that he plays with absent mindedly as he speaks. His hair is cropped shirt at the sides around his ears but long at the top and the back, and he has a black baseball cap snug against his head. He is smiling enthusiastically at the camera.
On the right is a tall black woman, a few inches taller than him, owing largely to the enormous red heeled boots that come up just above her knee. She is wearing a blue pleated mini skirt, tucked into which is a black and red hockey jersey with the number 24 emblazoned across the front. A stack of chunky silver necklaces matches with a chain belt glinting with charms. Her hair is straight and pushed back from her forehead with a purple patterned bandana. Her makeup is immaculate, and she beams at the camera clutching a microphone and a set of glossy flashcards with a yellow logo on the back.]
ANANIA: Fuck, marry, kill? Rose Landry, Cliff Marlow, Hayden Pike?
ILYA: Oohh... I think, fuck Marly. Love you bro, [he makes a clumsy heart with his fingers and thumb and blows a kiss], marry Rose Landry because she is best friends with my Shane and we will have a passionate love affair. She owes me this and she knows it. Oh, and kill Pike.
ANANIA: Girl, you have thought this through!
ILYA: You do not want to know
[CUT] [A muted boom sound effect as the camera cuts to a zoomed out angle of them both]
ANANIA: Hey, I'm Anania, This is Gaydar! [CUT] What's the Gayest thing about Hockey?
ILYA: [As he speaks, a dialogue box pops up on the screen reading "ILYA ROZANOV, he/him"] Well obviously it is my Shane. I see him once outside a cold building in buttfuck nowhere Saskatchewan and he tells me not to smoke and for the next ten years, I get a... what you call it? Pavlovian reaction to Blue and red jersey.
ANANIA: See, I've got something about those stretches you see the players doing before a game when you're like [she bends her knees and opens her arms]
ILYA: Oh! Yes I know! Yes, those stretches are very gay. Very good training if you catch what I mean. [He winks at the camera and Anania puts a hand to her chest in mock outarge]
ANANIA: Damn babe, we're only on question one. [CUT] What does it mean if you are having a kiki?
ILYA: A what? Are we inventing words now?
ANANIA: I'll give you a hint. It's like... how do I put this in sports guy terms? It's something you might do with your friends in like, a locker room or something.
ILYA: Oh, like a blowjob?
ANANIA: [her mouth falls open and she turns dramatically to Ilya as the camera zooms in.] Girl.
ILYA: Is that wrong?
ANANIA: No honey, you ate with that, don't even worry about it. [CUT] How do you tell if someone is gay or European?
ILYA: I feel like if someone is wearing a lot of jewellery and it is all mixed up then they are gay. If it is matching and they are wearing a watch, they are European.
ANANIA: Clocked.
ILYA: Also I think in Europe we love bicycles. I don't think I know a single gay person who can ride a bike without looking like they are dying.
ANANIA: Oh honey, some of us are riding bikes just fine. [CUT] Why is it important that people support the Irina Foundation?
ILYA: Because everyone deserves to play hockey, no matter who they are. And everything we do supports people who are struggling with their mental health. It can get better, and it is so important to help people until and after they realise that this is impossible.
ANANIA: Period.
ILYA: Also it is organised by me and my gay husband, so if you do not support us, you are homophobic. [CUT]
ANANIA: If I had to guess if you were gay, straight or a homophobe, [a graphic pops up on the screen with a coloured dial which reads three sections entitled 'gay', 'straight' and 'homophobe] I think I'm gonna say you are gay.
ILYA: Yes, I am bisexual.
ANANIA: Yes girl, you tell them
ILYA: No, that was Pike who did that.
ANANIA: Okayyy let's cut the cameras
[Ilya and Anania synchronise a film clapper cutting witn their forearms and the screen goes black]
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Comments (see all 81)
@queeringthenarrative "a BLOW JOB?? what is going on on the NHL changing rooms and where can i sign up"
@cliff_marlow_boston "appreciate you brother 👊👊"
→ @ilyarozanov81 "love you man"
@hayden.pike "You're never letting this go, are you?"
→ @ilyarozanov81 "never 😈"
@censandcensibility "i'm so mad it cut before we could see if Ilya picked up on the bike joke because that shit has me creasing"
@fuckthemetros24 "blessed and grateful to be living in a time where NHL players are learning the definition of Kiki 🙏🙏🙏"
→ bearsfan7 "it's Ilya Rozanov's world, we're just living in it. (Liked by @shanehollanderhockeyplayer)
→ bearsfan7 "oh my god???????"
@puckmylife "lmao Hayden Pike catching strays as per, my man cannot catch a break 😭"
@roseeelandryyyfan "is it just me who finds it kind of disrespectful to rose that the only reason he said he'd marry her is to use her to get to someone else?? idk its giving red flags"
→ @xxxsquad_ "omg literally chill they're close friends and he wouldn't have said this if he didn't know rose would be okay with it. also the person he's getting to is literally his real life husband 💀"
→ @ilyarozanov81 "ugh @roselandry these people think we are friends, we must put a stop to this!"
→ @roselandry "pistols at dawn babes x"
@shanehollander "❤️🖤" (liked by @ilyarozanov81