Work Text:
Red was fine. She had everything to be happy about now— so she was fine. Completely, totally, utterly fine.
At least, that was what she told anyone who asked. Especially Chloe.
Because when Red loved someone, like she loved Chloe, they were everything to her. And the last thing she would ever want would be to burden them.
And she was a burden. She knew it. No matter what, she always had been, and she always would be.
Her mother had told her that every single day of her life for sixteen years. It was impossible to move past that and unhear the words that had been thrown at her mercilessly every day.
It was almost comical, actually, that people in school thought Red had it easy.
They called her a perfect princess. They thought that everything was great for her. She had such a loving mom, and a great sister, and incredible friends, and the best life that anyone could ever want.
That only made her hate herself more. Because she knew that all of that was true— and yet she still felt this way. She really was selfish, wasn't she?
Cruel.
Ruthles.
Selfish.
Heartless.
Chloe had apologised for all the things she had called Red— and of course Red knew that her girlfriend didn't mean any of it. She had just been hurt. But in the end, no matter how many times Chloe apologised and tried to reassure Red that it wasn't true at all, deep down, Red knew that it was. Every single word her mother had ever called her was true. Everything Chloe said about Red being heartless and a bad friend was true. Everything Pink said about Red being a bad sister was true, everything Max said about Red ruining his life was true, all of it was.
Red tucked her knees up to her chest, sitting on her bed, forcing back tears. She was like this every single fucking night, without fail. She had gotten good at crying silently by now so she wouldn't wake Chloe— but really, it had been a skill she had learned she was a kid back in Wonderland, back when she'd have panic attacks or nightmares alone in the darkness of her room, and she'd have to muffle the sounds or face a furious Bridget giving her a lecture on how much of a weak burden she was.
So Red had gotten good at hiding her tears, holding them back until she could cry properly at night, or when Chloe was away at fencing practice like she was right now, leaving Red alone in the room.
She should have been happy. Everyone thought she was, she had been able to fool them. Hearts, when she first started putting up her mask, a tiny, stupid part of her had believed that maybe if she lied to herself hard enough, she'd actually be able to believe it.
But the lies she told everyone else couldn't drown out the truths she knew in her heart.
That she was a cruel, selfish, heartless, weak burden to everyone she loved, and that she didn't deserve this life she had now.
How could she be deserving of it when she couldn't even be happy about it? She pretended to, but truly, she wasn't. Because for some stupid fucking reason, she just couldn't move on. She couldn't accept her future, she just stayed stuck in the past. She had changed it, so why did it still haunt her?
A sob slid past her lips into the darkness of the room, and she dug her nails into her palms, hissing with the pain. But it was nothing she wasn't used to. She had owned a pocketknife she was just a kid, and etching vicious words into her skin didn't even faze her anymore.
"I fucking hate you," She whispered into the darkness, her voice cutting through the air, sharp as a knife, "You don't deserve to have this life."
Why couldn't she just be happy about it? Why was her heart just stuck in the past? Why, whenever her mother lifted her arm to pull Red into a hug, was Red's instinct to flinch away, believing she was about to hit her? Why, whenever she thought of Wonderland, did she think of the hell she had grown up in rather than the bright place it was now? Why did she still have nightmares about all of the words people had said to her in the past, when she had people to tell her otherwise now?
Chloe pulled her aside constantly, holding her close, or kissing her, and would tell Red that she'd always be here to listen if Red wanted to talk about anything. And Red wanted to, of course. Red wanted nothing more than to sink into Chloe's body, sob into her arms, and tell her everything, about how much she hated herself, about how she wanted to move on but was trapped, about how she was falling apart right in front of everyone's eyes and nobody could see it because she had gotten so good at pretending.
Her whole life was a pretense now! She couldn't even have a genuine reaction to anything without thinking, Shit, how would HK Red react to this? Nobody even knew who she was. Hearts, did she even know who she was?
She knew enough to know that she was a failure. Weak. Pathetic. Selfish.
So that was why she couldn't accept Chloe's love or compassion. That was why she brushed her off every time with a smile so fake it hurt, and a "I'm fine, Chlo."
She had to be. She had to be. She was a perfect princess, a darling daughter, a role model for her little sister, the leader of the friend group, the one everyone turned to for help. And who could she turn to? Nobody. She didn't deserve them, anyway.
If she actually opened up to them, they'd leave. They'd see the burden she was and run, and she'd lose them, so...she was fine. She had to be. She couldn't let them run away. Even though she didn't deserve it if they stayed, she needed them to anyway.
The door to the room clicked open, and Chloe appeared, eyes glittering with excitement and adrenaline.
"Hey, baby..." She grinned, dropping her gear and rushing right over to ruffle Red's hair and plant a kiss on her temple.
"Hey, Princess." Red looked up at her, leaning in for a kiss she didn't deserve but needed anyway.
Chloe kissed her softly, like she was something special, like she was worth loving. For a moment, Red let herself believe it, melting into the kiss, letting the blue-haired girl take her weight and hold her, a hand sliding down to rest on her hip.
When Chloe pulled back, her brows were knitted together with concern, and her eyes had the same worry filling them.
"Are you okay, baby?" She asked softly, "Your eyes look red. Were you crying?"
Fuck.
Red really had to do better at pretending. Why was her acting never good enough?
"I'm fine, Princess," She forced a grin, "Just tired."
Chloe nodded slowly, then sat down on the bed, wrapping her arms around Red.
"If you're sure..."
"Of course I am," Red responded, not missing a beat, "Especially now that you're here."
Deflecting from her problems with humor. It was what she did best, after all, besides being a selfish burden.
Chloe let out a laugh, nestling into Red and smiling up at her. "You're so silly...I'm glad you're okay, though."
Red gave her a tight nod, a lump forming in her throat.
She hoped her smile was convincing enough.