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I should have noticed it sooner. It's all my fault. Even if Adrian tries to tell me it's not, even if everyone tries to tell me it's not, it is. I know it is deep in my carapace, in all 5 of my hearts.
I should have noticed. I should have known and done something to stop it instead of just trusting Grace's opinion and waving it off. I should have dragged him to every doctor, done every test. I should have kept him safe like I promised I would.
After everything we've been through, after everything we've endured, I should've known better. I should've known that fate wouldn't let us live in peace. I should've expected something to go wrong, expected the other shoe to drop as Grace would have put it.
If I had noticed and done something, he would still be here by my side instead of 6 feet under the ground of the dome I built for him. The same one I promised would keep him safe and the same one that I let kill him slowly while I watched on, not doing a single damn thing.
~~~
"It's okay, Rock," Grace assured me, rubbing a hand under his nose, coughing softly as he sniffled. "It's just a small cold, I promise."
"But how?" I asked, or at least I should have asked.
I should have asked how he got sick when he was the only human here. I should have asked how he knew for certain it was a cold. I should have asked something, anything, but I didn't. I didn't.
I never asked. I just accepted Grace's excuse, thinking of all the sicknesses he had on our way here: the weakness that left him unable to move, the coughs and sniffles that wreaked his body as he slowly faded from me into an abyss I couldn't follow without being willing to go wherever he did.
"Okay," is what I really said in that moment. "You rest then. Tell me what you need and we can make it, find it for you. Medications, food, vitamins, anything," I urged. "I'll stay with you until you get better," I promised and I did stay with him as much as I could.
I stayed with him, even when he didn't get better. Even when I lost him from my grasp to the stars where me met, the light I couldn't see, but I was sure burned just as bright as Grace did.
I honestly should have known better when Grace, my merciful Grace, didn't start getting better as the week continued on, as he got worse as time passed. I should have known that something more was going on with him than just being sick as he began to leak more and more.
"It's okay," he continued to assure me, even though he needed the comfort more than I did. "Humans are fragile, you know this. When we get sick, we get worse before we get better," he explained, ever the teacher, even as coughs wracked his weakened body, forcing me to help him lean forward in bed so he didn't choke on his own fluids that filled his lungs.
I checked the dome over multiple times, searching for some sort of answer when Grace's blood test and respiratory culture came back with nothing. Grace said it was normal for that to happen, that there's too many viruses to check for, but I needed to be sure.
I tested the air, the water, even the food and medicine that came into the dome. I checked all of them for any sort of contamination that could be making Grace sick, but all of them came back normal.
If I had the chance to do it over again, I would have checked using different devices sooner, not just the ones that were equipped into the dome. Maybe then I would have found the ammonia leak that was slowly killing Grace, draining the life from his already short time with me. Maybe then I would still have Grace by my side instead of standing over his grave wishing that I could follow him faster than I already was.
I wish I was still by his side, no matter where that means we are. It honestly doesn't matter to me as long as we're together.
I still don't understand why Grace never told me about the ammonia smell in his dome. Eridians can't smell, even without the suits, but Grace could. Did he just not notice? Did he think nothing of it? I would never get an answer.
The ammonia was coming in with small amounts, leaking into the dome through the 2 layers of xenonite, holding the oxygen in between the layers, enough to keep the Eridians safe while Grace suffered, his body shutting down on him as my air, my planet, suffocated him slowly. He may have never even noticed it, never smelled it, and that's what hurt the most.
If he had noticed it, if his oxygen had escaped from between layers, if I had done a better job, Grace would still be alive. He would have been saved. Even if he had needed constant care from the poisoning, needed someone to do everything for him, carry him and see for him, I would have done it all. I just needed him to still be by my side, even if it meant doing everything for him.
I wouldn't have cared if Grace needed me to do everything for him, just like all those years on the Mary. I just needed him to still be by my side, to still be able to smile at me while his heart beat the rhythm of my life for all of eternity. Just having Grace was enough, it always would have been and it always would be.
~~~
"He's not getting better," I seethed at his Eridian doctor, notes wrought with fear and anxiety. "Why is he not getting better?"
"Rocky," Grace rasped out, lungs contracting roughly as he coughed and wheezed, never able to get a full breath anymore. "It's-"
"I swear if you say it's fine one more time," I snapped at him.
Why had I snapped at him? Why had I taken my anger out on him instead of holding him close and promising that I'd keep him safe, that I'd make him better again while I did just that?
"Savior Rocky," the doctor - I never even bothered to get their name, too worried about Grace - stated slowly. "Humans tend to get sicker before they get better. This is usual. If Savior Grace does not start improving soon, we will reassess, but for now all we can do is let him rest and keep his strength up."
I huffed at their assessment, but relented. I trusted them to keep Grace safe. I should have trusted a little less.
I should have pushed harder, done the fucking research myself into what else this could be. I knew something was wrong, but pushed it off as my own trauma, my own anxieties tied to sickness from my crew and the 46 years of solitude I was forced to endure surrounded by the corpses of my friends.
I was upset, I was scared, sick of being powerless and needing to do something other than just sit around, so I left. I left Grace and his doctor behind as I searched the dome again and again, running the same damn tests with malfunctioning equipment that spat back the data I should have seen instead of what was really happening.
Why didn't I stay with Grace? Why didn't I enjoy his company a little more? We both knew his time was limited, far more limited in this moment than either of us knew, but he had maybe 50 more Earthen years by my side. Why didn't I cherish each precious moment like a dying star? Something bright and beautiful, but never long enough. No, never long enough.
Instead, I left him alone, slowly dying from my atmosphere and unable to help him because I trusted my equipment more than my own instincts. Because I trusted Grace and his care team more than my own paranoia and worries.
I left him and it didn't make a damn difference in his lifespan, only taking the time I had with him and throwing it out the airlock where I could never get it back, no matter how much I keened for it and begged for it to be returned, willing to trade my own hearts for just a single second longer with him. A second where I could hold him close again, if only for a moment.
~~~
By the time I found the error with the equipment, it was far too late for anyone to help Grace. Far too much ammonia had seeped in and entangled itself into his weak body for anything we could do to save him.
Grace slowly got worse as the week passed, I cursed myself and my oversight every moment I watched over him. I cursed myself and whoever ran this fucked up universe as his body failed him slowly under my watchful gaze.
I sang out every curse I knew as his body turned on him, filling his lungs up with fluid that he couldn't cough up, forcing him to be on oxygen even though the dome was fixed now. Even though I had found the problem, but it was too late for Grace.
If I had found it, even a day sooner, even a few hours sooner, his care team had high hopes for a partial recovery. I missed being able to save him by mere moments, seconds, just a few blips in the long span of my life. I would have supplemented anything he missed from my mistake, my fuck up. I would have done anything to keep Grace by my side and to keep his heart beating, even as it struggled.
It pained me to listen to his lungs struggle to function, fighting against his own biology. It pained me to watch as a tube was shoved down his throat, no longer able to breathe for himself. It pained me to watch as he didn't even fight against it, resigning himself to a fate that I had led him to hand-in-claw, all while I told him he'd be fine, that he'd heal and get better.
I forced myself to be there for each moment, watching his suffering and partaking in his pain. This was my repentance and no matter how much it hurt me, I was sure it hurt Grace more. The least I could do was be there for him, not let him die alone on an alien planet that he'd come to in order to save me.
"Rock," Grace signed to me, hands moving slow in a language we rarely used, but one I knew just as well as I knew Grace's whole being.
"Grace," I chirped sadly, pressing myself into him just a little more, ensuring that each sound and feeling was carved into my body.
"Not you fault," he pressed, shaking and weak as his heart and lungs struggled to work. "No blame self. Love love love you. Best friend. Always. Love love love Rocky, my savior."
I attempted to argue, I was going to fight each and every word he said. I wasn't deserving of his affection - I never was and I certainly wasn't now - but it didn't matter. Grace was gone before I could even get a note out, burning out in a moment and plunging me into a void I was far too familiar with.
~~~
His doctors said that it was a total destruction of his airways and ability to breathe. No matter how many tubes we used or how many medications we gave, it would never be enough to spare him from the final song's grasp. He'd been too damaged to save and that was on me.
I keened in a corner, breaking completely, as his team tried to save him, tried to get his heart and lungs to start again, tried to get the symphony I let dictate my whole life to begin again, but it never did.
His song had ended and I was left with a silence that I couldn't replay anywhere but my memory and it was all my fault.
Grace always lived up to his name, not physically, but emotionally. Grace was a merciful person, a kind one that never held grudges for himself. He would never hold anything against me, even if I got him killed, even if I murdered him myself. He didn't blame me, even in his final moments, instead assuring me that it wasn't my fault.
I hated him for that in this moment.