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“And you’re sure this isn’t illegal?” Phil asked for the second time that afternoon. Dan sighed, “Yes, I’m sure. It’s a public space after all. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I don’t know. Aren't we like disturbing the dead by being here? What if we wake an angry ghost?”
Dan rolled his eyes. Usually, he didn’t mind Phil’s questions, but he was clearly on edge. “We’re not planning to rob a grave or like dig up a body,” he responded. “Besides, people go to graveyards all the time. It’s normal. Are you really telling me you never hung out at one in high school?”
“No,” Phil responded, sounding slightly embarrassed, “and usually the people going to graveyards are grieving people. Visiting their loved ones.”
“How convenient that we are also visiting a grave then.” Dan snapped back.
He couldn’t think of anything to say in response to that, so he just continued following Dan in silence. As much as he hated to admit it, the graveyard was actually quite a nice place. Nicer than most of the places they had been to in Winnersh.
Sure, it had a spooky vibe to it, probably from all the dead people, but for the most part it was well cared for, and they had walked past a couple interesting gravestones. Still, normally he would never visit a graveyard just because. As a kid, his mother had taken him a couple times to visit his great-grandmother's grave, but that was it.
But this was Dan. They’d been together almost a year now, and he still knew very little about his hometown, childhood, or even high school years. From what he had gathered, most of it hadn’t been good. He never wanted to push Dan into telling him anything before he was ready, but he was trying his best to be a safe space for him, showing him that he could tell Phil anything and he would welcome him with open arms and without any judgment.
Which is why he hadn’t hesitated one second to agree when Dan had asked him in the morning if he could show him a place in town today. It was the first time Dan had invited him to come to his hometown at all, and really, they were only here because of Reading Festival.
So, despite his unease when they had arrived at the graveyard, he decided to power through. He could take anything Dan would throw at him.
By now they had arrived at the older part of the cemetery. Before, there had been a few other people on the grounds with them, but his part was entirely deserted. The walkways were still kept clean, but the gravestones were almost all covered in moss, and you could clearly see the parts of the earth that nature had started to reclaim.
“We’re almost there,” Dan said, breaking the silence for the first time. He still sounded tense, but Phil doubted he was actually mad. Whatever Dan wanted to show him was clearly important.
“It’s pretty here,” Phil tried, but Dan just shrugged. “You don’t have to pretend to like it here. We don’t have to stay long.”
“No really,” Phil protested more enthusiastically this time. “I had to get used to the eeriness of the graveyard at first, but it’s actually nice here. Also, I’m very curious what you wanted to show me.”
“Okay,” Dan responded, a shy smile forming on his face. “We're almost there.”
They had almost made it to the end of the graveyard when Dan suddenly turned right. Unlike before, there was no clear walkway here. And Phil would have never thought to walk that way if Dan hadn’t led the way.
Dan stopped them just as two large fir trees appeared in their way. The part of the graveyard they were in now was overtaken by nature. It looked more like a forest than a man-made place. “We’re here.”
He whispered to Phil before slowly pulling back the branches of the fir tree that was blocking their way.
Behind the fir trees was a small opening in the middle of which stood a long, dried-up fountain. It looked ancient with moss growing all over it and flowers growing through all the cracks.
Unlike the rest of the graveyard, no gravestones stood around the fountain, despite there being more than enough space. He itched to say something, to ask Dan what this place was, how he found it, and why they were here. But he also knew that the silence wasn’t his to break at the moment.
Instead, he continued to follow Dan onto the opening. He stopped in front of a large tree facing the fountain and gestured for them to sit down in the hollow that the roots of the tree must have created in front of it. It was barely big enough to fit them both, but Phil didn’t mind. He never minded being close to Dan.
They sat there together for a couple minutes, sides pressed together, simply staring at the fountain in silence. Dan still seemed a little on edge, and while he was determined not to say anything, he decided to at least try and make him more comfortable by putting his arm around Dan.
It was a bit of a risky move considering they had never shown any signs of physical affection before in public. But he figured that they were so far away from anyone else it might be okay. As it turned out, his worries had been unwarranted. Once he put his arm around Dan, the former immediately cuddled up to him and even rested his head on Phil’s chest.
He had almost given up waiting for Dan to speak. Maybe this would simply be a silent outing he didn’t mind. He would take whatever Dan was willing to give. When he did finally speak, it was so quietly that Phil almost didn’t hear him.
“I used to come here a lot in high school.” Dan mumbled into Phil’s chest. “It’s nice, isn’t it?” He asked.
Phil considered the question. The opening didn’t look like it really was part of the graveyard, despite being enclosed in its walls. The fountain was the only sign that someone else had been here before them at all. It was a peaceful place, calm in a way the rest of the graveyard hadn’t been.
“It’s peaceful,” he started, scared to say something wrong and startling Dan. “I like the fountain,” he added, which thankfully earned him a chuckle.
He decided to be a little braver and added, “What is this place?”
“It’s a graveyard,” Dan started. At first, he thought Dan was making a joke, but the look on his face suggested otherwise, so he just let him continue. “I used to visit the graveyard a lot in general. Wasn’t too far from home, and unlike the like three parking lots we have in Winnersh otherwise, the only people I ran into here were old ladies.” Despite the fact that he was clearly making a joke, the hurt in his voice was unmistakable.
Unsure what else to do, he simply hugged him tighter.
“And you know, kinda a nice vibe listening to Cemetery Drive while walking a graveyard.”
“Sure,” Phil supplied, unable to keep the humor out of his voice.
“Anyway, I found this place by accident. Just thought it was nice at first, you know, peaceful like you said. The groundskeeper saw me walking out of here. At first, I was terrified. Thought he was gonna yell at me or something. He didn't, though. Instead, he took me with him to the church we walked past earlier, gave me tea, and explained the history of this place.” Dan explained.
Phil watched him take a shaky breath before he continued, “Basically, this didn’t used to be part of the cemetery at all. It ended just where we turned right off the walkway. The fountain belonged to the church grounds, but they abandoned it when it was renovated at the end of the sixteenth century.” Phil nodded along, encouraging Dan to continue. His voice wasn’t much more than a whisper now, but they were sitting so close it didn’t matter.
“There was this girl, like back in seventeen-something. Not much is known about her, not even her name, but she drowned herself when she was only seventeen. The church didn’t let her family bury her in the normal graveyard, considering it was a sin and all, but her mother was adamant she’d be buried in sacred ground. Wanted to her to get into heaven, I guess. So, she took her here and buried her herself, right next to the fountain. Church couldn’t do anything, not their grounds anymore. Technically. So, for a while the town all buried people here that weren’t allowed to be buried on the church grounds. You know, mostly suicide victims and anyone else ostracized from the community.”
Phil listened intently to the story, suddenly all too aware of why Dan had shown him this place.
“Afterwards, I started coming here more often. The place made me feel less alone somehow, no matter how bad things got at school or even at home. I always felt welcome here, even if I was just listening to music or, God-forbid, doing my homework." He tried to joke, but there was no humor behind it.
"Dan," Phil finally managed to say, but his voice cracked a little. He caressed Dan’s cheek with the hand that wasn’t currently holding him and pulled his face towards him, forcing Dan to look at him for the first time since he started telling the story.
Dan’s eyes were glassy, and the urge to wrap him in a blanket, tie him to Phil forever, and make sure nothing bad ever happened to him again had never been stronger.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Dan whispered.
“Like what?”
“Like you’re scared I’m going to go away. That’s not—I mean, I didn’t bring you here just to tell you about my shitty high school experience.”
“But you can,” Phil protested. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. “I know it’s probably hard to talk about, but I want you to know that you can tell me anything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I never want you to feel like there are things you can’t tell me or- or that I will judge you or something.”
To his surprise, Dan didn’t seem angry or shocked or even annoyed. Instead, he smiled. “I know. That’s why I brought you here. Ever since I met you, I’ve barely come here. This used to be the only place I felt welcome, safe even. But now it’s not—now there’s you.”
“Oh,” Phil responded a bit dumbfounded. Ever since he’d known Dan, he’d tried to be a safe space for him, never quite sure if his lame attempts to make him comfortable were actually helping but determined to try anyway. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that he was already succeeding.
“I hope that’s okay,” Dan added, sounding a bit unsure now and making Phil realize he’d zoned out for way too long.
“Yes, yes, of course. I’ve always wanted you to feel safe with me. I just wasn’t sure if you actually were since, you know, you never wanted me to come here or, like, meet your family and stuff.”
Dan sighed, “I know. But trust me, it’s not that I don’t trust you. I- well I was just scared that once you saw me here, in this shitty town with like zero friends and borderline dysfunctional family you’d realize you how much better your deserved, how broken I really am and just like leave.”
It broke Phil’s heart to hear Dan talk about himself like that. “Dan, I would never. I don’t care where you come from or how many friends you had in high school. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, and as long as you want me, I’ll be here. There’s no one better I could want.” To give his words the weight they deserved, he then did something they'd never done before in public and pressed a chaste kiss onto Dan’s lips and just prayed no one was around.
Dan was startled for a second but pulled him in closer nonetheless.
"Okay," Dan finally responded once they separated long enough to talk, his eyes still watery, “but I hope you’re ready to stay for a very long time then because I don’t think I will ever want you to go.”
“Good, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
They stayed there for a while longer, holding each other and soaking in the atmosphere of the moment before making their way back home through the graveyard.
“Maybe you could meet my grandma,” Dan said just before they turned the corner onto his street. “She’s been begging to meet you for ages.”
“Do you want me to meet here?”
“Yeah,” Dan responded. “Yeah, I really think I do.”