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Jacob was five years old when he learned he couldn’t go to his parents for comfort after a nightmare.
He was six when he was told he was too old to need a night-light.
He was seven the last time he slept with a stuffed animal.
He’d tried to hide that last one from his mother, as even at that age he knew she wouldn’t approve, but she’d found it anyway.
The sound of her heels clicking across tile reached him first and he hurriedly straightened his posture where he sat at his desk, trying to appear focused on schoolwork. He could tell by the pace and weight of her footsteps that she was annoyed, but not angry—not yet.
“What’s this?” He looked up from his desk to see his mother holding Teddy, his arm pinched between two of her perfectly manicured nails as she held him away from herself as if he were contagious.
Teddy was a simple brown teddy bear with a little blue bow tied around his neck, the kind you’d see in cartoons and TV shows about happy families, and he was the only stuffed animal that Jacob owned. Sometimes he wondered if the only reason his mother bought him in the first place was to appear picture perfect—she cared about appearances a lot more than she cared about other things.
“He’s mine,” Jacob answered, though he already knew that wouldn’t be enough.
“You’re too old for this,” his mother scolded. “Grown-ups don’t sleep with stuffed animals.” She dropped Teddy in the trash and walked off.
Jacob bit his lip as he heard his mother’s heels retreating, once again allowing himself to slouch in his chair. He could rescue Teddy—pull him out, dust him off, and hide him even better. Except he knew his mother would be even more disappointed if she found Teddy again, and Jacob hadn’t yet outgrown his desire to gain her approval.
Teddy stayed in the trash, and two days later he was gone forever.
Jacob had never been to Hannah’s apartment before. Usually they stayed at his place as it was bigger, nicer, cleaner, and he didn’t have roommates. He’d picked her up from her place before—his mother had raised him to be a gentleman, after all—but this was the first time he’d ever stepped foot inside.
“I’ll be ready in a minute!” Hannah called from inside the bathroom. “Feel free to snoop through my stuff!” Jacob glanced at Liz, who watched him with a smirk, and he hesitantly made his way into Hannah’s room.
The thing that struck him first was that her room, like the Weaver’s house, was busy. He wouldn’t go as far as to call it messy—though his mother certainly would have—but it was filled with stuff. Items stacked on every visible surface, posters and tapestries and photos hung on the walls, pillows and blankets strewn across the bed. It looked… lived in. Warm and homey, in stark contrast to Jacob’s clean apartment.
Not that his place was empty—he had plenty of items to fill the space. He had a whole room devoted to his latest purchases, and he still had all fifty coin bears lined up neatly on a shelf. He definitely owned more items than Hannah did, yet somehow his house felt… sterile. Clinical. Like it had no personality. It was all stuff he’d gathered from magazines and the shopping network; none of it meant anything to him.
Jacob ran a hand over her comforter, the cover a deep blue star pattern, when he noticed something stacked on her pillows, nearly hidden by the blankets—three somethings, actually. Jacob tugged the comforter back and found three stuffed animals carefully tucked into her bed.
He immediately felt like he’d seen something he wasn’t supposed to see. He shifted a half step back, glancing at the door, but Hannah was still in the bathroom. Should he pretend like he hadn’t seen them? Hide them for her? No, he shouldn’t touch them; they were clearly placed there for a reason—he wondered if she tucked them in every morning.
Even as he decided not to touch them, he couldn’t help but be drawn towards them. There was a bear, similar to the one he lost ages ago but noticeably more worn; next to the bear was a black dog with floppy ears who was missing one eye, and a unicorn whose fur was more grey than white. All three were clearly children’s toys, and clearly well-loved.
Jacob picked up the bear slowly, carefully, like he held something fragile. It was worn and soft, except for the places where its fur was mysteriously hard like something had spilled on it, and its dark, beady eyes stared at Jacob.
“Okay, all set!” Hannah walked in. Jacob hadn’t heard her approach, and he wasn’t quick enough to put the bear back where it belonged. Hannah saw him first, then her eyes fell to the bear in his hands.
“Sorry,” Jacob said, already coming up with half a dozen lines to offer if she wanted to brush the stuffed animals off, blame them on her much younger siblings. Instead, Hannah smiled.
“Aw, you look so cute holding Tid!” She said, walking up to him. Jacob froze.
“Tid?” He asked eventually; Hannah nodded.
“That’s how I said Teddy when I was little,” she said easily; Jacob stared at her in surprise. “That one’s Baby Barky, and that one’s Princess Sparkles,” she added, motioning to the dog and unicorn in turn.
“They’re yours?” He didn’t mean to ask it as a question—obviously they were hers—but it came out that way. Hannah laughed as she picked up the other two.
“Yeah, why else would they be in my room?” She hugged the dog and unicorn to her chest, and Jacob wordlessly passed over the bear—Tid—so she could hold that one too.
“I thought they might be your siblings,” he said, giving an unaffected shrug.
“I mean, I got them way before either of my siblings were born, but also Robbie is Baby Barky and Molly is Princess Sparkles. But they’re mine,” she said, carefully tucking the three back into her bed. “Wait, don’t tell me you’re the type of person who thinks adults can’t have stuffed animals!” She said, rounding on him with her hands on her hips.
“No,” he said quickly. She raised an eyebrow, unconvinced, and he opened his mouth to brush it off, maybe say he hadn’t expected her to be the type to keep around childhood toys, but what came out instead was “my mother was.”
Hannah had been gearing up to go on a rant, her chest puffed up and a fire in her eyes, but at his words her shoulders dropped. “Oh,” was all she said.
Jacob looked away from her piercing gaze and straightened his shirt. Jacob had told Hannah about his mother a few times, and every time Hannah would get tense and angry, though she never actually said anything. Jacob had no idea what would happen if the two actually met.
“We should get going or we’ll be late for dinner,” Jacob said, and ushered them out of there.
Dinner was lovely, and Jacob completely forgot about the conversation that started the night until Hannah insisted they swing by the mall on the way back to her apartment. Jacob didn’t mind—he’d do whatever she asked him to—even though he was somehow even more overdressed than normal, the two of them in fine dining wear while surrounded by grungy teenagers. The last time Jacob had been to this particular mall was with Cal, back before he knew that Cal was Hannah’s father.
Jacob was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t notice where Hannah was leading them until they were inside the Build-a-Bear store.
“What are we doing here?” Jacob asked mildly as Hannah dragged him over to a store employee.
“We’re getting two,” Hannah told the employee.
“Hannah?” Jacob asked. She still had hold of his hand.
“We’re each making one, and you will not put yours on a shelf,” she said, her voice a mix of earnest and demanding. Jacob had no choice but to sigh and go along with it.
They emerged half an hour later, Hannah with a black cat and Jacob with a brown bear, both wearing matching bowties. It had only taken that long because Hannah had agonized over every option. Jacob hadn’t even known there were that many options to choose from.
He drove Hannah home, and she insisted that their stuffed animals be buckled into the backseat because “safety is important, Jacob,” and he was powerless to argue against her.
“I had fun tonight,” he told her when they parked outside her apartment. She had some important case-thing early the next morning, so she wanted to be home and in bed at a reasonable hour—unfortunately. He’d have to make up for it another night.
“I did too,” Hannah said, then leaned over the center console and kissed him before grabbing her cat from the backseat. God, he wished they could spend the night together. “You’d better bring your bear in tonight,” she warned. “And I swear to God, Jacob, if I found out that you stuck him with your coin bears…” she let that threat hang.
Jacob did as instructed and brought the bear inside, setting it down on top of his pillow where it watched him as he got ready for bed. He had a long nightly routine, which Hannah had made fun of him for more than once, and throughout the whole thing he felt the bear staring at him. By the time he actually got into bed he was no more comfortable with its presence than he had been initially.
It still felt weird to have something like that in his bed—something meant for emotional comfort, rather than his usual focus on the physical. Was he supposed to… cuddle with it? Wouldn’t it get in the way? What if he pushed it off the bed in the middle of the night?
Jacob sighed, and hesitantly wrapped his arms around the bear, holding it to his chest. It smelled a lot like the store, stuffy and impersonal, but there was a hint of Hannah’s perfume clinging to it that helped him relax.
It was… nice. To have something to hold even when sleeping alone. He fiddled with the bowtie and imagined Hannah doing the same with her cat, which brought a smile to his face. Fine, okay, he saw why people slept with stuffed animals as an adult. He didn’t know if he’d ever be fully comfortable with it, but he understood the appeal.