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He knew what he was doing was self destructive and illegal. There was a reason he was hiding it from Buck, hidden behind the excuse of him still being mad at the older man. There was also a reason he was hiding it from his captain and every other member of his team. He knew that it was wrong.
It was only a matter of time before something would go wrong and leave him in a bad situation. Now, here he was. He couldn’t go to the hospital and get x-rays without his team freaking out and pestering him about what had happened. Not that they wouldn’t figure out that something was going on anyway from the colored swelling all around his wrist. He was just happy that it wasn’t visibly dis-formed. If it was, he would be having a much harder time pretending that nothing was going on right now.
Last night, he had been out fighting. Not only was there a large cash prize on the line, but he also needed to blow off some steam. Everything that has been happening with Buck recently had his mind spinning in circles. He didn’t know how to manage his emotions well enough to comprehend how he was feeling right now.
It wasn’t good. He was mad. And upset. And frustrated. The only way he knew how to get those emotions out was to fight. To argue. To do anything that he can to not actually feel whatever he was feeling. Eddie had always been really bad about that.
He blames it on his childhood. He was told at age ten to grow up and be the man of the house. He was told that boys don’t cry and that he was weak for doing so after he had fallen off of a swing when he was six. He grew up learning to push all of his emotions to the back burner and pretend that they didn’t exist until it all came boiling over.
He never really figured out how to handle it another way. He supposed that’s why all of his co-workers regularly or occasionally went to therapy. The idea of sitting down and talking to somebody about all of his issues wasn’t very appealing to him at all. He suspected that the confrontation and vulnerability will only make him feel worse than he had going into it.
Realistically, he knew millions of people benefited from therapy, but it just wasn’t a him thing. He wasn’t a therapy guy. That is probably why he was where he was right now.
He had to take Chris to school and leave for a shift in ten minutes. He was also trying to figure out how to reduce the swelling and pain in his wrist before he had to attend a 24 hour shift. 24 hours wasn’t bad at all compared to a 72, but with whatever injury he was supporting right now? It was making moving a nightmare. Each time he flexed his wrist, his tendons and muscles pulled tight and ached like they were torn. His bone was aching, the tingling feeling spreading all the way down to his finger tips. If the pain wasn’t enough, the base of his wrist was bright purple and yellow. The bruising spread up his forearm slightly and down towards his knuckles.
Eddie used to be an army medic. He knew what a broken wrist looked like. The odds were that he completely fractured his wrist. He knew that this needed rest to heal. He didn’t have time to rest though. His friends could smell an injury like a hound dog. They would inevitably figure out that he had messed up his wrist and bug him until he told them how. That would open a whole new can of worms that would likely get him suspended from the job.
It just really wasn’t a good situation. Eddie sighed, spinning his wrist in a circle and gritted his teeth. It hurt badly. He opened the cabinet from under the sink and dug around for the first aid kit. He unzipped the kit, digging around until he saw a wrap of bandage. His quickly wrapped his wrist up, making sure that the padding wasn’t bulky. He pulled his sleeve down under the wrap, checking to see how discrete it was.
He definitely noticed the uneven padding beneath his sleeve, but he didn’t think that anyone who wasn’t looking for it would be able to notice it. The wrap slightly helped secure his wrist so it wasn’t as unstable. He took the small mercy and stood up.
Moments after he did, he heard crutches moving against the floor behind him. He smiled, looking back at his son as he moved into the room.
“Good morning, Dad,” Chris smiled. Eddie gave his son a quick hug, making sure to be mindful of his burning wrist.
“Morning, Chris,” Eddie hummed back. He ruffled his son’s hair gently. “You ready to go?” He asked.
Chris nodded his head and waited for Eddie to grab his backpack for him. After Eddie had grabbed the bag, they made their way out through the car. Eddie tossed Chris’s bag into the seat beside him and then helped Chris into the back seat of his truck. Once his son was all buckled in, Eddie climbed into the drivers seat and started the car.
Dropping Chris off was a mindless routine that he’d done so many times before in the class. It wasn’t heard for him to space off as he drove the familiar route. He pulled through the car line, stopping just long enough for a teacher to help Chris out of the car. It was the same teacher who helped every kid make it to the sidewalk safely. Eddie enjoyed that she never made his kid feel singled out specifically. She was a good teacher. He waved goodbye to his son and Chris called one back. Eddie smiled to himself as he pulled out of the parking lot and started making his way to work.
Luckily, there wasn’t any bad traffic on the way there. He only got stopped by a couple different red lights as he made his way. He seriously debated pulling over into a McDonalds parking lot and calling in sick to work. Laying back down in his bed with some hot cakes sounded really nice right now. Alas, he knew the thought was rational, so he kept driving.
As he parked in front of the station, he took a minute to recollect himself. He could do this. He could get through a shift with a hurting arm. He would be just fine. He and Buck still had such an awkward tension that Eddie hopped the man wouldn’t be able to tell that something is up. Bobby and Hen were another story though. He worried that he would slip up and they would immediately clock that something was wrong. He wasn’t worried about Chimney. He loved the man, but sometimes he could be clueless in situations.
He opened the door and immediately hissed at the usage of his wrist. God, he had to remember that his arm hurt like crap. Merely opening the door had sent a stab of pain up and through his arm. He didn’t want to imagine what it would feel like trying to work on.
He could only pray that they had light calls and that everyone in the firehouse was too distracted to focus on him. It wasn’t that far fetched of a hope. Right?
He was wrong.
It only took an hour into the shift for them to be called too far too many calls that involved the usage to his hand. To be fair, there weren’t many situations that didn't;t involve him using his hand, but still, it seemed excessive today.
Each time they went out on another rescue, the pulsing ache beneath his sleeves grew larger. At one point, he accidentally smashed his hand between the truck and the ladder. It was something that he never would normally make the mistake of doing. He had almost broken right then and there. Of course he had such a stupid action on the day his wrist was already broken. It was just what he needed.
He was completely surprised that none of his teammates had caught the pained gasp that tore from him lips at that moment. It felt like the bones in his wrist had become jelly and were no longer doing any of the support that they were supposed to. He had to will himself to keep it together and not cry the entire rest of that specific call. It had been miserable.
Part of him just wanted to break and blurt out that he was hurt so he could get some pain meds. He knew that he couldn’t though. The action would put far too much at risk.
So alas Eddie sucked it up and kept working. He dry swallowed a couple advils and pushed himself to not lag behind. He knew that he wasn’t doing as much as he typically did, but he hoped for his sake that Bobby just thought that he was having an off day. Everyone had off days. Bobby couldn’t be mad at him for having on of his own.
By the time they had reached dinner, Eddie was struggling. His wrist felt like a sloppy mess, pulsing dully underneath the thin bandage he had applied. The constant pain was putting his whole nervous system on edge and caused every single minute to pass by like hours.
Just as Bobby called them up for dinner, Eddie choked down another Advil, hoping that the medicine would at least dull the pain to some extent, but it was a far fetched home. Making his way up the stairs, he noticed he was the last one to arrive to the table. Great. The only other thing that he needed was to be singled out in any type of way.
He hurried to sit down in his respective seat. There wasn’t any lively conversation at the moment. It had been a long day of calls and they were all tired and hungry. His friends were already serving themselves when Eddie scooted his chair in and looked over the dishes on the table.
Bobby had made some type of lasagna and it smelled super good. Eddie’s mouth watered at the smell. There was a side dish of mini potatoes that Eddie assumed Buck helped with. The other man loved those stupid tiny veggies for some reason. He would always smash them and layer butter all over the top of them.
Eddie had to admit that the combination was good, but he wasn’t as much of a fein for it as Buck was. Besides those dishes, there was also a side bowl of salad. The meal looked delicious and Eddie was happy that they hadn’t already gotten a call to interrupt the entire thing.
Eddie reached out and began spooning himself some lasagna onto his plate. When the mini potatoes came around, he also helped himself to a decent amount of those. Eventually, Hen began passing the salad to him. Eddie misjudged how fast the heavy glass bowl was coming his way. He also briefly forgot about the stinging pain in his hand.
All at one moment, the glass slammed into his palm and pain lit up like a fire underneath his skin. Eddie yelped loudly, drawing his hand back like he had been burned. Hen startled, dropping the salad bowl onto the table. The bowl cracked and salad leaves spilled everywhere.
For a moment, everything was silent. The entire team stared at the spilled bowl of salad. Then, like the universe was playing some game on him, they all turned to stare at him.
He knew whatever possible attempt at playing this off would immediately get caught by the whole table, yet he tried anyway. He reached down for the salad and picked the bowl up. He served some onto his plate and placed the bowl down on the mess of leaves and sauce. He didn’t look up at anyone as he took a bite. Then another.
Somebody cleared their throat. Eddie looked around to see who it was, but none of them gave him any clue.
No matter how hard he tried to act like nothing had happened. It was obvious that something had. All of his teammates were staring him down like he had grown a third head and in their eyes, he probably had. Eddie finally looked up to meet everyone’s eyes and he immediately sighed.
He had no defense for the bruises on his wrist or the way it hurt every time he moved. He had no way to convince his team that this wasn’t exactly what it was. He got caught in the middle of an illegal street fighting ring and now he’s gonna pay the price for it.
His wrist was pounding and aching beneath the light bandages. He wished the pain would stop. Hen cleared her throat again, breaking the silence.
“Are you okay?” Hen asked hesitantly, looking like she did not want to know the answer. Eddie opened his mouth to respond, but no good answer came out. He had no excuse. No believable ones at least. “Don’t even try lying to me, Edmundo,” Hen ordered, giving him a death glare. Eddie could only sigh. Before he even had a chance to move Chimney reached out and grabbed his arm. Eddie hissed in pain as it sent shockwaves up his arm. Chimney ripped his sleeve back and the swollen bruises beneath the bandage were revealed to everyone at the table. He internally groaned as he heard everyone’s gasp of horror and worry.
“What happened?” Buck demanded, concern shining through his bright blue eyes. Eddie didn’t know how to respond. Bobby was staring him down with this all too knowing look that made Eddie uncomfortable.
“I think I broke it,” Eddie whispered, trying to hide the shame in his voice. Hen didn’t let him even have another word before she was standing up. She made her way over to him and slapped herself down in the chair, immediately inspecting his arm. It only took a minute before she sighed and looked up at him.
“Definitely broken,” she confirmed, “how the hell did you do this?”
Once again, Eddie was put on the spot. He could feel his heart pounding from both the pain and being the center of attention. His pulse was racing rapidly, and his neck was beginning to sweat. Everyone was staring at him and he didn’t know how to get himself out. He was gonna start freaking out. His heart was throbbing, his head was spinning, his throat was closing up.
“Hen, can you wrap his hand properly?” it was Bobby’s voice that interrupted the swirl of emotions in his head. Eddie looked at the older man. Bobby’s face gave no clues of what he was thinking.
None of them dared to argue with their captain. Hen nodded, quickly moving to grab a wrap from the kitchen drawer and retaking her place beside Eddie.
She began gently unwrapping the crappy bandage he had thrown on this morning. Eddie winced as the full extent of damage was revealed. His wrist was still black and blue. It was all swollen and puffy. It was a mess. Hen’s breath caught, but she didn’t comment on it any farther than that.
Eddie bit his tongue as Hen started wrapping. It hurt, but he could feel the bandages slowly stabilizing his wrist where it was aching so bad.
Slowly as Hen went on, the tight pressure compressing his wrist slowly decreased the burning pain.
He let Hen pull the wraps tight. It felt much better when it was actually done right. Wrapping it himself was borderline impossible. He took a deep breath, flexing his wrist gently. It felt stable for the first time since last night.
Everyone was still watching him, but none of them were saying anything. The silence stretched on, awkward and tense. Eddie flushed under the attention. Bobby eventually huffed.
“Eddie, come talk to me for a minute, would you?”
Shit. Shit. Shit. That was not good. Eddie couldn’t outright deny his captain. So he had no choice but to stand up and follow Bobby into his office.
The other man gently shut the door behind them. He didn’t say anything as he walked around where Eddie was now sitting, and sat down in his own chair.
“I’m not going to badger you on something I don’t know the full extent of.” It was an invitation as much as an opener. Eddie knew that if he wanted to spill everything he had been doing the past few months right now, that Bobby wouldn’t interrupt him until he finished. He couldn’t find it in himself to start speaking. Still, Bobby gave him the time. He waited and waited and waited for Eddie to start speaking.
“You know,” Bobby started, “if you ever need to talk, i’m here for you.” The words made Eddie’s throat sticky with grief and guilt. He didn’t know to explain to Bobby that no matter how much he said, nothing would be able to fill the gouge in his heart that Shannon stole when she died. Nothing would be able to remove the knife he felt stab through his ribs when Buck had filed the lawsuit. No amount of talking could ever change any of that. So what even was the point. He was exhausted and tired and hurting. He just wanted to stop hurting.
Nothing was going to fix the holes that the bullets had torn through his flesh back in Afghanistan. It was like he had told to Shannon all of those years ago. He was broken, and he didn’t think there was a way to fix himself. He was a sad and angry man. It was depressing to think about.
All of the emotions he had kept hidden and inside for so many years began to leak through his cracks like oozing slime. A single tear that he tried to wipe away was immediately followed by another that Eddie couldn’t quite get rid of.
Now he was crying in front of his captain. Perfect. This is exactly what he wanted right now. He loved looking like a pathetic little thing in front of one of the most imp-
“Eddie,” Bobby’s voice cut through his thoughts, “Breathe.” He pulled one ragged breath in, feeling his lung expand inside of his chest. He blew the air out on his mouth before sucking back through his nose again. Bobby gently shook his head. “Slower.” Eddie nodded, forcing his breaths to come even slower the next attempt. It felt completely unnatural and wrong. His throat was itching in the back from his snot running down. He hated feeling this weak. Fighting didn’t make him feel like this. Fighting made him feel strong.
He knew he was compensating. He wasn’t strong. He was sad and lonely and scared. Strong was the farthest thing from how he felt when he woke up every morning. Yet he still woke up and tried to play the part time after time. Day after day. He was getting really fucking tired of it all.
“You’re okay, kid,” The title made his anxiety calm just a bit. It felt safe and warm compared to the ice on his skin. He forced himself to meet Bobby’s eyes. They were soft and full of worry. None of the anger that Eddie had fear. The younger man bit his lip as he stared at his captain.
“It hurts,” Eddie whispered. He wasn’t able to specify. He didn’t think that Bobby was going to make him.
His captain nodded gently. He didn’t ask why. He didn’t pressure Eddie into vulnerability or into a place where he felt uncomfortable. He didn’t make him elaborate on what possibly was hurting so bad inside of him that resulted in him shattering his wrist.
“What can I do?”
And the words were so simple. So gentle and caring. They carried none of the back handed malice that his father’s used to. They were sickened mocking like the Sargents in the army had been. It was genuinely caring and concerned. Eddie wiped his nose. He could feel it getting raw along with the underside of his eyes from the crying.
He didn’t know exactly what Bobby could do to help. Like he mentioned, he felt like nothing could fix the crack in his being that couldn’t be repaired. Through the storm of emotions spinning inside of him, he knew one thing. Right now, he just needed to feel safe. He needed to feel like the rest of the world wasn’t able to touch and hurt him anymore. He cleared his throat.
“Maybe a hug?” It was disgustingly open. It made everything he had been taught in his life shrivel up. Bobby didn’t let him feel weird for a moment longer. He stood and moved around the desk as fast as possible, immediately pulling Eddie into a hug.
Eddie sighed, letting himself sink into the warmth. Bobby’s arms were safe and comforting. Right here, he felt like the rest of the world cant touch him. He tucked his face under Bobby’s chin. The little boy inside of hims pretended this was his own dad. Hugging and comforting him for once.
Bobby didn’t make him talk or reciprocate the hug until he was ready. Eventually, Eddie raised his own arms up, wrapping them around Bobby’s back and pulling himself tighter into the man’s space.
Bobby didn’t complain. He softly rubbed gentle circles between Eddie’s shoulder blades. Eddie sighed into his chest. For once in his life, he let himself be held. He let Bobby carry the weight for just a minute. He let all the burdens on his shoulders be lifted by somebody else too.
Bobby gave him a brief squeeze and Eddie momentarily feared that he was about to let go. He didn’t. His captain kept holding him. Something in Eddie told him Bobby wouldn’t dare let go until Eddie initiated it himself. HE wasn’t ready yet though. He just stayed.
“When you’re ready to talk,” Bobby whispered softly, “I’m right here, okay?” Eddie nodded into his shoulder, yet Bobby still didn’t let go. Eddie let his eyes slip shut. Just for a moment.
Things weren’t okay. The world still felt like a hurricane around him, crashing and drowning him. But right now in this moment, he was in the eye of the storm.
He was in the calmness.
He was safe.
And that was all he could ask for.