Chapter Text
“Hey Charlie Warlie!" Darcy’s voice crackled into the cockpit. “What can I do for you?”
“Hey Darce,” Charlie greeted them. “Sorry for calling this early.”
“Let me guess, they sent you on another mission?”
“They sure did,” Charlie confirmed. “Super urgent and all that. I didn’t even have time to get the full briefing, I had to leave immediately.”
“What the fuck?” Darcy exclaimed. “Why? Where are you off to?”
“Some planet called Earth. Could you …?”
“Already on it!” Charlie could hear Darcy tap away, swerving the ship to the right to avoid some asteroids.
“Oh crap,” Darcy mumbled after some time. “Fuckity crap bollocks! This is bad!”
That didn’t necessarily make Charlie feel better. “What?” came the miserable question.
“Erm - what is your mission again?”
“What do you mean, what is my mission? You know the drill: get there, find someone with a pure heart, claim their soul, bring love. What other mission is there?”
“Right, yeah, silly me …” Darcy said absentmindedly.
“So, tell me about it!” Darcy’s cryptic responses gave Charlie a bad feeling.
“Find someone with a pure heart?”
“By Klom, Darce! Spit it out!”
“Yeah, well, good luck with that. You’re going to need it. Place is a shit show.”
“Great, I feel so much better now!” Charlie groaned. “What is wrong with that place?”
“Oh, nothing! I’m sure you’ll be fine! Don’t mind me, it’s so early and I’m …”
“Stop deflecting! That’s my thing!”
“Sure you want to hear?”
“Darcy, I’m currently looking at a gorgeous supernova, which would normally make me smile and tear up. Now? Nothing! I swear, if you don’t tell me …”
“Maybe you could decline? Just this once? Let them find someone else?”
“Can’t do that, I’m still on probation. You know that!”
“Yeah, you really have a talent for getting in trouble,” Darcy cackled.
“The mission was a success,” Charlie pouted.
“Oh, for sure! I didn’t mean you get the mission in trouble. But yourself? On a regular basis.”
Charlie was slowly losing patience. Here, barrelling towards earth in a spaceship with - well, fast - and Darcy had nothing better to do than reenact the Riddle of Chipree! “Tell. Me. Now!”
Darcy sighed. “Right. Here we go. Ongoing wars, genocide, People dying of hunger, hate crimes, rising paranoia - just a few.”
“Oh, I’m screwed!”
“That’s what I was thinking. But - I haven’t told you everything…”
Charlie groaned. “Another oaf with a god complex and no brains?”
“Erm, well, yes, but I didn’t mean that. There’s a - war about .. love? gender? the right to exist? - going on there.”
“Come again?” Charlie asked, stunned.
“Well, apparently, humans - that’s what they’re called - have a very limiting binary view of things. And whatever or whoever doesn’t fit that view is threatened and marginalized.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Wish I was.”
“Oh great Just what I needed!”
“It really isn’t, my guy.”
“Thank you, Darcy, that’s what I meant!”
“Oops, sorry.”
Charlie sighed miserably. “Tell me more?”
“Okay, so, as I said these folks seem to be stuck in their binary thinking. Male and female, black and white, that kind of thing. Do you remember the lesson about Xenox 5 and the war against changelings?”
“Oh wow, don’t tell me I was lucky enough to get myself sent to a place like that!”
“Afraid so. Where exactly are you headed on the planet? Maybe I can dig up more specifics.”
Charlie checked his mission statement. “It says Kent, England.”
“Give me a sec. Okay, coming up. England is located on a quite sizable island and - oh no!”
“What? What is it?”
“Erm, you might have to decide your sex.”
“Excuse me?”
“Told you, limiting binary thinking.”
“Only two choices? Seriously?”
“Yup. And you better stick with the choice, or your life could be a real shit show.”
Charlie groaned. “Show me the options, I need to change soon. This is ridiculous!”
“Okay, right. First we have females. Work of art if you ask me.” The console in front of Charlie suddenly showed a hologram of a quite tasteful curvy body. Charlie had to admit that the soft round mounds that rose out of the upper half looked rather cosy. “Right, got it, female. And the other option?”
“That would be male.”
“Ah, clearly the weaker option.”
“What makes you say that? I haven’t even shown you yet!”
“Well, normally when the name is shortened it signifies lower standing, something lacking. Does it not?”
“Not in this case, it really doesn’t,” Darcy groaned. “At least, according to their social structure.”
“Just show me. Let’s get this over with.”
What Charlie wasn’t prepared for was the beauty of the body the console projected now. Strong build. Flat with alluring waves where the female body had sported those cosy mounds. Also a bit taller and broader. On the lower half a nest of hair from which something was growing. It looked mesmerizing, covered in soft looking skin. Charlie felt the sudden urge to touch. “That one!”
Darcy cackled. “You sure? Remember, you’ll be stuck with it for quite some time.”
“Positive. I don’t know if I want to look like that or touch someone that looks like that. Possibly both.”
“Gay.”
“Bless you!”
“Not sneezing. Gay! That’s what you are! Or rather, what you will be? What you will have been? Geez, existing outside time and space is so confusing sometimes!”
“I’m gay?” Charlie asked. “What exactly does that mean?”
“Basically, as I understand it, it means if you are a female you fall in love with females. If you are male you fall in love with males. Easy peasy. Still very controversial down there - over there - GEEZ!”
“Why would that be controversial? How can love be controversial?”
“Hey, I’m just doing research on humans. Says here the standard is ‘straight’, meaning male falling in love with a female. Which, to be fair, has some benefits when it comes to reproduction. Seems like they need to combine female and male to make new life.”
“Okay, evolution seems to have stopped for those poor bastards.”
“Told you.”
“So, gay. Got it. But I can only fall in love with another male if I’m male? Can’t it be both?”
“It absolutely can! Which is called bisexual or pansexual. But that is even more controversial.”
“Time help me,” Charlie groaned. “Shoot, Darce, I see it! I need to change!”
“Off you go then, I can’t wait to see the result."
The form of pure light that called itself Charlie studied the male form on the console. It concentrated to get all the parts right and then -
“Eww, no! Try again!”
It shifted again, this time thinking of the velvety night sky and the intricate round pattern light made in the dark. It thought of the delicate form of star routes it had travelled and the sharp angular form of time anomalies.
“Ooooh, now we’re talking!” Darcy exclaimed when they saw the result. “Breathtaking! Good job!”
“Thank you.”
“You may now refer to yourself as a ‘he’”
“Great. Thanks for your help. Okay, I'm about to land. See you soon!”
“Good luck! And please, try not to get yourself into too much trouble this time.”
“Darce, you know me. What can possibly happen?”
Oh, I hate it when Darcy’s right!
Five Earth hours earlier…
“Do you know yet who the target is?” Darcy’s voice came from the console.
Charlie checked. Or at least, he tried to. “Hold on, I’m trying to … geez, these hands are complicated!”
“Take all the time you need. Takes time to get used to a body, especially one as strange as a human one.”
Charlie tried desperately to access the mission statement with his new hands. Slowly they started to cooperate. “Okay, I think I got it now. Hang on - no, I’m still too far away, it still only says Kent, England.”
“Strange! You’re about to land, right? The system should have identified the target by now.”
“Could we please not talk about ‘the target’? It’s not like I’m about to kill them!”
“Well, technically speaking …”
“I know,” Charlie groaned miserably. “But you don’t need to rub it in.”
An awkward and charged silence spread between them. Then Charlie spoke again. “Has it ever bothered you that we’re collecting souls in order to bring love for the rest of them? Isn’t that a bit …”
“...idiotic? Oh, totally! But what can you do?”
“I don’t know,” Charlie admitted sadly. “I just wished there was another way.”
Darcy sighed. “I know.”
Once he had landed Charlie let out a deep breath. These fucking sattelites! Humans were plastering the sky with them, and he had just narrowly avoided several collisions. Now his small ship was safely tucked away on a clearing, surrounded by trees. Charlie checked again if the tarn shield was working properly, then he looked at the mission statement again. Ah, there it was!
“Darce?”
“Ready and primed.”
“One Nicholas Luke Nelson.”
“Okay, let me check … Right. Male, 23 years of age, 34 River Crescent, Rochester. Not too far away. Lives with his female … well, the female that made him. Says here the correct term is ‘mother’, in your parts often referred to as ‘mum’. And - oh, blimey!”
“What? What is it?”
“Nothing! Just remember to stay out of trouble, okay?”
“You’re a weird one, I swear! Okay, going now.”
“Erm - Charlie?”
“What now?”
“It’s customary for humans to cover their bodies in something called clothes.”
🌍🌍🌍
Charlie memorized the route he had to take that would lead him to River Crescent. Then he left the ship and sealed it. When he looked around he had to admit that this ‘Earth’ was rather beautiful. Strange but soothing sounds accompanied him as he started down his path.
Once he’d left the trees behind he could see a cluster of buildings in the distance. His path would lead him there.
When he neared the cluster the sky suddenly bombarded him with water. “What the …?” he exclaimed, instinctively quickening his steps (it had taken some time to get his ‘legs’ moving correctly). Suddenly they gave way and he fell to the ground. “Brilliant!” he groaned, getting up again, placing his hands on the ground for support. Where the ground had been solid only moments ago, it was now kind of gooey, clinging to his hands. “Just brilliant!” he groaned again as he stared at his hands. Then he slipped again, hitting his forehead on something sharp. Something warm and sticky ran down his face. When he touched it to investigate, the top of his finger came back red. The area started to throb unpleasantly. “Fuckity crap bollocks!” he repeated Darcy’s words and found to his surprise that they were rather soothing. He got up again and continued on his path.
🌍🌍🌍
Not too long after that he reached his destination. He was uncomfortably wet, his feet were sore since he had never used them before, and he was cold. He could only hope that he would be able to fulfil his mission as soon as possible, so he could return to his normal form and not worry about sore limbs or cold feet.
He looked for something that might alert the inhabitants of his arrival and finally spotted a small circular button. He shrugged and pressed it. Two things happened in quick succession. First, a ringing sound came from inside the house, which Charlie supposed was triggered by him pressing the button. Then he could hear excited “woof” sounds from inside, getting closer, possibly triggered by the ringing sound.
“Daisy! Stay!” he heard a gentle, yet commanding voice, and he felt a strange kind of warmth inside himself.
Huh!
Something that Charlie was able to identify as footsteps neared the door.
Okay, I’m gonna make this quick. Ask for Nicholas Luke Nelson, make sure he really is a pure soul, collect said soul, spread love and then go home. And get rid of this stupid body!
The door opened, and …
Oh, I hate when Darcy’s right!