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As Lance laid in his bed, he couldn’t help but feel a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. It was becoming common for him, lying awake in the middle of the night, his mind buzzing as he would focus on one part of the ceiling. His eyes were adjusted to the dark, the sound of his breathing being the only thing that he could hear. Until his thoughts would take over. The Paladins had a small mission earlier on that day, just to gather intel and help any civilians if necessary. They were protectors of the universe, of course it was their duty to lend a hand to anyone that needed it. Lance had tried to lighten the mood, what with everyone on edge as to how Zarkon was tracking their whereabouts. But his jokes were shot down by his friends as quickly as he made them; Shiro gently scolded him, Hunk had unintentionally let out a heavy sigh as Pidge facepalmed themselves, leaving Keith to do his traditional rolling of the eyes and the sly comment about Lance’s incompetence.
Incompetent clown.
Lance rolled onto his side, pulling the covers over his head. “Shut up.” Lance murmured in the dark.
Lance woke up later than usual, head heavy and exhausted. Dressed in his usual clothes he made his way to the others in the castle, all of them looking refreshed and aware, with Shiro being the only one in his Paladin gear. Allura was stood in the centre of them all, in what appeared to be a stern lecture dressed in her own gear.
“I understand that these past couple of days are for you to rest, but you mustn’t slack like you have!” Allura stated. Pidge raised an eyebrow at her, crossing their arms and looking at her with a frown.
“Well, I get that we have an almighty fight on our hands and all, but we can’t fight when our brains are mush and can’t feel our legs because we’re too tired.” Pidge pointed out.
“You are all Paladins of Voltron; this title isn’t such that you should take lightly.” Allura added in a more threatening tone.
“I can assure you, princess, we are not taking this responsibility lightly.” Shiro said in a firm tone to match the princess. Lance yawned loudly. As everyone turned their attention towards him, Lance felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand uncomfortably.
“Erm. Good morning?” Lance said with a sheepish smile. Allura sighed exasperatedly, pinching the arch of her nose as if she was dealing with a child.
“This kind of slack is exactly what I am talking about. Lance, I do hope you can think of a good enough excuse as to why you missed the practice warning alarm this morning.” Allura groaned. Lance felt his blood turn cold as his smile dropped.
“W-What? What practice alarm?” Lance asked. Keith rolled his eyes at him.
“You know, the one we have to wake up in time for so that we’re ready to fight. The one where you always seem to be pampering yourself like a spoilt diva.” Keith added in an irritated tone. Lance scowled at him and turned his head, shoving his hands in pockets stubbornly.
“Hey! I have ways to keep my complexion fresh, unlike someone stood to my immediate left.” Lance added under his breath.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?!” Keith asked, enraged.
“ENOUGH.” Allura yelled. The pair of them stopped immediately, Lance jumping in his skin slightly as he turned to face the angry princess.
“Lance, you are a Paladin of the Blue Lion. You have the fate of the universe on your shoulders just like the others, and yet you seem to not grasp how important that is!”
“Of course, I do-” Lance retorted.
“Then started acting like a Paladin! All of you.” Allura snapped, giving them all a stern expression. Lance turned his head to the floor as Allura dismissed them all and left the room. Everyone had let out a collective sigh and turned to make their own way out of the room.
You’re literally the only one that messes up anyway.
Lance raised his head sharply, “Alright, who said that?” The rest of the Paladins turned to faced Lance, a look of bewilderment on their faces.
“Said what?” Hunk asked. Lance narrowed his eyes at all of them.
“Who says I always mess up? Was it you, Keith?” Lance asked. Keith titled his head at him, looking confused and irritated as per usual.
“I don’t have time right now.” Keith replied bluntly, walking through the doors. Hunk and Pidge gave Lance a quick glance of confusion before leaving the room not too far behind. Lance stood back, confused as to who and where that voice came from. Shiro placed a gentle hand on Lance’s shoulder, giving him a kind smile.
“Try and wake up earlier, okay?” He asked kindly, patting Lance’s shoulder. Lance blinked and forced his usual cheesy smile back and nodded at his leader.
“Yeah. Sure thing.”
Lance’s mood had been gradually worsening as the weeks went by, which in turn led to more comments being hurled his way. They were not comments that were meant to upset him, and yet they felt like small needles being hammered into Lance’s fingernails and body. Lance slowly made less jokes, residing in his chambers for most of the time that had passed. Coran had taken it upon himself to try and cheer Lance up, but his tactics were somewhat disastrous to say the least (“Lance, I know you like to be a bit of a lazy fellow, but perhaps you could do it outside of your room! We could be lazy together!”). Shiro would try and ask what bothered Lance, to which he would reply that yes, he was fine, no, he didn’t want to talk, and he was just too tired to think about anything.
There were times when Lance would find himself with his Lion, leaning against her giant paw or sat inside of her, silent with his eyes closed and trying to distinct what exactly was making him feel so useless. The Lion would send warm thoughts to Lance as often as she could, and there were times Lance swore he heard his Lion purr to him. Allura had noticed him leave the hold where the Lions were kept and smiled at him brightly, asking how his day was and if he was feeling refreshed. Lance smiled and nodded before excusing himself.
Hunk had cornered Lance several times with Pidge in tow. Hunk would place his hands on his shoulders and ask Lance what was wrong straight and simple, and Lance knew that Hunk would not just accept a simple ‘I’m fine’ so easily. Pidge would try to make light of the atmosphere, kindly teasing Lance every so often (“Did Allura reject a romantic walk through the castle with you?” “I… never asked her.” “Woah. Hunk. He’s depressed, there’s no two ways about it.”), to which Lance would force a laugh from his lips, and make up an excuse of how he didn’t sleep well or that he over-trained or just that he was missing home (the last excuse, to be truly fair, was far from a lie). And as he would walk away from the pair to isolate himself further, he could feel Hunk’s eyes on the back of his head.
The fight was the final straw. They had formed Voltron like always, nearly in perfect sync. Lance had tried to follow his instinct, causing all five of them to lose their balance and collapse in a heap. As everyone started bickering at Lance (who sat there and took it, because their voices were nowhere near as loud as the one in his head), Hunk had suggested a strategy that required them to stay on the ground. They were triumphant, naturally so, and Hunk was of course given praise for coming up with such an effective plan. And so Lance left them silently, sliding into his room and closing the door behind him, keeping the lights to a minimum and throwing himself onto his bed.
“Can I come in?” A voice asked. Lance found himself scowling at the familiar voice.
“Go away.” Lance called out. He heard the door slide open with a hiss, a sudden light lighting up his room.
“Well, I’m coming in anyway.” Keith said in a blunt tone, closing the door behind him and sitting next to Lance on the bed. Lance didn’t turn to look at Keith, and instead stayed lying
“Well?” Lance said, sitting up from his position.
“Well what?” Keith asked in return.
“Say it. Say I messed up and that’s why we almost got killed.” Lance said. Keith frowned at him.
“What?” Keith questioned. Lance scoffed in disbelief. He was here to make a sly remark, a jibe, anything; there was no other reason for Keith to even be in his room.
“Or, I dunno, say it was my fault that the plan was almost a god damn failure.” Lance offered, surprised that Keith wasn’t making any attempt to be his usual self and take advantage.
“Why would it be your fault?” Keith pondered, sounding concerned. Lance scoffed again.
“It tends to be my fault, doesn’t it?! Because I’m not trying hard enough, because I keep goofing around-” Lance listed, echoing phrases that he was hearing far too often recently. Keith shook his head at Lance slowly.
“Lance, calm down.” Keith sighed. Lance felt his blood boil.
“No, no no no no no. Don’t try and be nice to me when you’re always poking fun at me!” Lance exclaimed as he stood up from the bed as his temper began to rise. Keith stood with him, taking a step closer to Lance, his cheeks a dusted pink and his eyes blazing.
“Since when have I poked fun at you?!” Keith yelled, sounding offended by Lance’s words. Lance let out a sound of exasperation and irritation, because he wasn’t stupid, he wasn’t born yesterday.
“All the time, jackass! And those stupid little comments about how you’re done with my shit-!” Lance yelled back.
“Who’s actually said that-?!” Keith asked.
“EVERYONE HAS, OKAY?! DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M THAT FUCKING STUPID TO NOT KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL SO DONE WITH ME?!” Lance roared. Keith stepped back, eyes slightly wide in shock, arms raised defensively. Lance’s breath was laboured.
“Lance…” Keith murmured softly. Lance let out a soft giggle, before suddenly erupting with laughter, because he knew that a part of him had snapped in some form, because he was far too unreliable to even be stable, let alone capable.
“Yeah, that’s me, Lance McClain, the universe’s greatest screw up! You wanna feel better about your existence? Hey, it could be worse, you could be like that retard Lance!” Lance laughed, his eyes wide as he felt the room slowly closing in on him.
Screw up is an understatement.
“Think you don’t put in enough effort? Look at me, I’m the butt of everyone’s joke! Ranging from friends to siblings to the garrison, no matter how hard I try!” Lance exclaimed, jabbing his chest hard with his thumb and a broken smile on his face.
“Lance, listen to me-” Keith begged. Lance cut him off with another giggle.
“I mean, come on, who’d want to be this weak (how pathetic), useless (why do you try?), stupid (just do them a favour) wannabe pilot who can’t even wake up in the morning (disappear already)-!” Lance babbled hysterically. For a moment, Keith looked as though he was ready to yell back, his face twisted in some form of distress. But then Lance found himself sat on the floor with Keith’s arms draped over him in a tight hug, his head on his shoulder. Lance felt his face flush red in confusion.
“Enough.” Keith muttered softly. Lance was frozen in his position, the heat from his face slowly draining as all he could was blink in shock, his arms well away from Keith’s body.
“Listen to me, Lance. I… don’t know how long you’ve felt like this. I don’t know why you never told anyone how you’ve felt either. But… I’m going to be as honest as I can get.” Keith started slowly, as if wanting to make sure that Lance was paying close attention.
“You are enough. You are more than enough.”
“I…” Lance trailed away, his thoughts evading him.
“You are enough.” Keith repeated, louder. Lance blinked in shock, the hairs on end as he suddenly felt defensive, paranoid. He was lying, Lance knew that Keith would never say anything so heartfelt. Yes, he was probably told to say this by the princess, or Shiro, or anyone just so that Lance would get out of his room.
“Get off me.” Lance snapped, trying to push Keith away. But Keith held on tight, his hand on the back of Lance’s head protectively.
“You are more than enough for me. You are enough for Voltron. You are enough for the universe.” Keith said in a powerful voice. Lance shook his head as he tried to push Keith away from him.
“You’re lying.” Lance chuckled darkly, his chest swelling up uncomfortably. Keith shook his head slightly.
“You are valid.” Keith added. Lance felt his heart skip a beat for a moment.
“Stop lying to me.” Lance repeated, his resolve cracking.
“You are important to us.” Keith said in a matter of fact tone.
“I swear to God.” Lance begged. Keith placed his head in the crook of Lance’s neck, and Lance swore he felt something damp on his neck suddenly appear.
“You are everything to me.” Keith whispered, tightening his grip on Lance.
Lance felt a tear fall from his eyes, closely followed by another… and another… and then he was holding Keith tightly, burrowing his face into Keith’s shoulder as he sobbed quietly, his body shaking and his head hurting from how much he was crying. Keith started stroking Lance’s hair gently, his hug still secure around Lance. “It’s okay. It’s alright. Let it out, buddy.” Keith said softly, holding Lance as close to him as he physically could. And Lance cried. He didn’t notice the sudden absence of the voice that had haunted him for a while, nor did he truly notice the small kiss Keith left on his cheek (and if he did, he thought that the tears were slowly making him delusional).
“I don’t care how soppy I sound right now, because you need to hear this. We care for you. We’re here for you. We- I-… everybody loves you.” Keith added, and Lance had never heard Keith sound so sincere in his life.
“I… I-” Lance sniffed. Keith held him tighter once more.
“I’m here for you, Lance. I’m here.” Keith whispered softly. Lance took a few steady breaths to calm his composer, his grip on Keith still tight. The tears had nearly run themselves dry, and yet it seemed that Keith was not all too keen to let go of Lance just yet. So, Lance stayed where he was, holding onto the Red Paladin as the heavy head grew a different kind of foggy.
“Keith… m’tired.” Lance murmured.
“I know. And I’m sorry. I… I should have done something sooner than this. I could have…” Keith replied, sounding heartbroken.
“Everyone doesn’t need me.”
“You’re so wrong I would kick you if I could.”
“They could just replace me, though.”
“That’s not true and you know it.”
“Everyone has a thing, though. And then... there’s me.”
“The first Paladin. The one that roped us all together.”
“The one that’s second best.”
“The one that my heart wants and therefore is not second best.” Keith said boldly. Lance felt his cheeks grow hot, but didn’t say anything in response. He held on tighter to Keith, the heavy feeling in his chest slowly lifting as he realised that his room was a bit too dark for his liking. But he could endure the darkness for a little while longer, with this gentler side of Keith with him. He took a deep breath in before pulling his head away to look at Keith, who was searching his face intently, as if looking for any signs are upset or doubt.
“Thanks, Keith.” Lance said sheepishly. Keith smiled back at him, leaning forward and hugging him closely again.
“I’m always here.” He replied. Lance hugged him back.