Chapter Text
There was a reason he didn’t talk about his “King” era. How he removed himself from his middle school days. Kitagawa Daiichi was in no way something good that happened to him-- the only hope for that time was his love for volleyball sprouted there. He can forget about everything else that happened, as long as it didn’t interfere with his volleyball playing at Karasuno.
Karasuno was so much different than Kitadai. The team at Karasuno was so inclusive and welcoming. They accepted Tobio with only minor questions, only the things that pertained to the now, instead of the past.
He didn’t want to relive his failure in middle school.
But it kept coming back . Each time he set a toss, whenever Tsukishima would call him “King” in his snide tone, the feeling that he just wasn’t good enough to do this, that it didn't feel right.
And it killed him .
He loved volleyball with his entire being, he felt the sport in his bones. It was the one place he felt natural and could do what he wanted. He felt comfortable around a volleyball, spinning it in his hands, pushing it from his fingertips. Volleyball was the only thing he could smile about without thinking.
But when he felt like shit after practice, hearing “King” over and over, being reminded of his failure and how he still isn't sure why it happened .
He just keeps being overwhelmed by feeling inadequate and uncomfortable in his own skin. Like his body isn’t his own. He felt himself staring at his sister’s dresses when he changed the laundry. He felt like a pervert wanting to wear her underwear. He didn't want to feel this way, he didn't even know why he feels this way.
It was a sudden feeling, fear overtaking him as soon as he entered his house. The fear of being found out, of his parents or sister finding out that he wanted to wear a dress and panties instead of pants and boxers. That he wanted to doll himself up in a mirror with makeup and feel normal .
He walked up the stairs, wiping sweat from his brow, pressing a hand to his chest. Tobio took a breath and held it as he stumbled into his bedroom, slamming the door open. He fell to his knees, gasping for breath.
Tobio pressed his forehead to his carpeted floor and whimpered as a wave a nausea flushed over him. He tried to calm himself down. He’s dealt with this before, he’s had to do this before. He can calm himself down.
He pushed his backpack off his shoulder and away from him, curling into a ball on the floor, hands pressing to his forehead and pressing his eyes shut. He slowed down his breathing, breaths stuttering from his mouth, trying to regain a sense of control. Trembles wracked his body and a cold sweat sprouted on his back. The feeling made him lose his breathing once more and he let out a sharp whine from his throat.
This was different than normal. This was worse .
He didn't understand. He’s never felt this overwhelming anxiety, this fear.
Thoughts sprouted in his mind. You aren't good enough. They’ll find out. You’re disgusting. Your sister will never speak to you again. They’re all lying. Pervert. Pathetic. Disgusting .
He tried to get himself under control for what felt like hours, but in reality it was only five minutes. The more he failed to calm down the worse his panic got.
In the distance, over the sound of his deprecating thoughts, he heard a door slam shut and someone calling out. The words were incomprehensible to him and it only made him curl further into himself and whimper loudly. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, creating splashes of white and black.
He wanted this to end. Please, please, please .
His hands were suddenly yanked away from his eyes and he was dragged into a sitting position. Tobio could see a blurry figure in front of him, could hear muffled sounds that he couldn't understand. He could feel his lips moving, but didn’t know if he was saying anything at all. One of his hands was flattened out and pressed against a soft chest, feeling a quick beat and a moving chest. A cold hand that wasn’t his pressed against his warm face and his eyes focused, finding his sister’s worried blue eyes.
Fear spiked through him, the possibility of her finding out his thoughts striking terror deep through his bones. His head started tossing back and forth, muttering “No” over and over.
His sister’s hand gripped his chin, stopping his frantic movements and forcing him to look at her. “ Tobio. ” Her voice flowed through his ears and tears sprouted in his eyes and fell down his cheeks.
“N-nee--”
His whimper was cut off and he was dragged into his sister’s soft chest, hearing her quickened heartbeat, her chapped lips against his forehead. “It’s okay Tobio, just breathe, don’t talk, breathe.”
It was another five minutes later that Tobio could feel himself begin to doze off, his body exhausted from the fear and anxiety it pushed onto his mind. He opened his mouth but was interrupted, “Just go to sleep lil’ bro. I’ll wake you up for dinner.”
Pain stung his heart at the words for reasons Tobio couldn't explain but he nodded against her collarbone, eyes closing and darkness falling over him.
Kageyama Asuka sighed into her hands, staring at the still form of her brother as he slept on his bed. This was one of the worst panic attacks she’s ever seen Tobio have, he couldn’t seem to pull himself out of it. And how he kept mumbling “no” and the frantic motions he went through when she showed up, she’s never seen it before.
It’d been awhile seen he’d last had a panic attack nearly as bad as this one, almost a year actually. He started getting attacks more frequently his final year of junior high, around the time when he was being called “King of the Court”.
Hearing the title given to her brother by his team had made her proud at first, seeing her little brother being acknowledged as a wonderful setter, and being given a title that was revered in the past. Until she heard them call Tobio that out of malice and Asuka realized that they called Tobio a king for all the wrong reasons.
She and their parents all noticed something off with Tobio, that something was wrong in junior high, but he had begun closing off from them in only a way a teenaged boy can. He stopped coming to her bedroom at night and sleeping with her. He stopped talking to her and telling her his problems. He even seemed to stop getting excited over silly things.
It was as if something went missing from the sweet, spritely brother she knew.
Their parents had been worried. Fearing Tobio was being bullied-- it’s why he was moved to Kitagawa Daiichi in the first place. But they had found out the volleyball team’s betrayal too late and Tobio was only a few months from graduating and they couldn't pull him from the school or risk him not being accepted into high school.
Asuka closed Tobio’s door softly and walked back downstairs, picking her sports bag up from the ground and putting it on the coffee table in front of the couch. She had gotten home earlier than planned due to their captain and coach being out sick, but she had been excited. She only ever got to see her brother and parents every other weekend due to school restraints, and she cherished every moment spent with them.
Her school had dorms and required its students to live on campus to produce maximum academic efficiency. She and Tobio had often joked about her gaining all the brains while he got the natural instinct on the court.
Asuka played volleyball as well, but was a wing spiker, her team’s ace. They were a shoe-in for Nationals again this year and Asuka was looking forwards to heading off to college to study. Niiyama Girls’ High was an excellent school with near perfect academic performance that would look grand to any university.
Before her mind could wander anymore, Asuka walked into the kitchen, finding uncooked rice from a cupboard and beginning to set up the rice cooker. Their parents would be home soon and she wanted to make Tobio’s favorite food, to make him feel better.
Asuka had been removing a pan to cook with when she heard the front door open and her mom call out, “I’m back!”
Asuka hurried to poke her head out of the kitchen’s doorway and answer, “Welcome home, mama.” She beckoned her mother to come into the kitchen and the older woman followed her daughter. “Tobio had another panic attack.”
Kageyama Tsubame gasped, eyes flying to where the stairs were located. “How bad was it?” Her voice was soft, a mere whisper.
“Worse than a year ago.”
Tsubame’s blue eyes showed hurt and worry. “We need to do something to help him. I worry that it will affect his health. We have no idea why he keeps getting these attacks and he doesn’t talk to us anymore… I’m worried.”
“I… think I have an idea of why,” Asuka breathed out. “The last time I was home, a few weeks ago, I saw Tobio doing laundry. He had been putting one of my dresses on a hanger when he held it against his chest and look at himself in the mirror. It was only a few seconds and then he shook his head really fast and roughly hung the dress on the rack. I did some research, and I found something called transgender.”
Tsubame nodded. “I’ve heard of it actually, a coworker of mine said her nephew was a transgender male, that he begun transitioning his first year of high school.”
“Yeah, I asked some of my teammates and one has a cousin that’s transgender too. But I’m not saying that Tobio is transgender but its a possibility--”
“I agree,” a gruff, male voice interjected. Asuka and Tsubame both look at the kitchen’s doorway and saw Kageyama Haruto, Asuka and Tobio’s father and Tsubame’s husband. “I had gotten my suspicions when I took Tobio out to purchase new volleyball shoes for the school year and saw him stalling in front of a quite feminine-looking shop. He was staring at the soft pastel colors, but he stopped himself from doing anything.
“Since that time I’ve found myself watching Tobio whenever we go out. He often looks uncomfortable and mostly fidgets to himself. He would often stare at females we passed, but not with attraction, but something like, longing? He has always been an open book to me, just as Tsubame is.”
“He takes after me in that regard,” Tsubame laughed, pressing a hand to her chest. “We shouldn't be discussing this without Tobio though, it’s his life.”
“I don't think Tobio knows why he has panic attacks either,” Asuka spoke. “We all know he isn't the smartest when it comes to societal things and he isn’t very caught up with modern things. I think we need to introduce the term to him, maybe get him thinking about it?”
Haruto grunted. “He wouldn’t listen to just us. We don’t have experience with any sort of transgender person, the only insight we have to this is what we have looked up on the internet. He won't take our words as serious.”
“Then we’ll get a transgender person to talk to him!” Asuka lit up, mind immediately flowing to her libero’s cousin. “I can ask Yayoi-chan about her cousin!”
Her parents looked at each other and nodded. Haruto spoke for them both, “That would probably be best. Tobio is more likely to listen to someone that has felt anything close to what Tobio does, even if Tobio isn't transgender.”
“Then I’ll go call Yayoi-chan now! Maybe her cousin can come this weekend and talk to Tobio!” Asuka sprinted out of the kitchen and to her phone. She searched through her contact number and found her libero’s name, pressing the phone icon and lifting it to her ear.
The phone rang several times before a cheerful voice rang through the speaker. “Hey! Yayoi-chan? I need to ask you something.”
“Tobio? Can I have you come downstairs for a while?”
Tobio looked to his door, relief coursing through him at his mother’s question. He had decided to do his homework earlier, wanting to get it out of the way despite his reluctance to even do it. He stood and walked out of his open door, closing it behind him and wandering down the stairs and into the living room. “What’d you need mama?”
Before Tsubame could even answer him, Tobio’s eyes were drawn to the honey colored haired figure sitting on the couch, facing away from Tobio’s eyes. From what Tobio could see, he didn't know who this person was, they didn’t even look vaguely familiar.
But then the person turned around and the word “libero” popped into his mind. The boy sitting on the couch now looked familiar, Tobio remembering vaguely something about this person. He just didn't know what.
“This is Yaku Morisuke, a volleyball player from Tokyo that I want you to talk to,” Tsubame explained. “He might help you figure out why you keep having panic attacks.”
Tobio’s eyes widened, remembering where he knew this boy from. “You’re from Nekoma, the libero.”
The honey haired boy nodded. “Your sister knows my cousin and got in contact with me. They told me that you have been having problems with anxiety attacks and you won’t tell them anything about it.”
Tobio grit his teeth. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“What if we talked alone?”
Tobio’s eyes travelled over the room and he clenched his fists. “I don’t--”
“It’s always better to have someone to talk to that can understand your situation.”
“What do you know? How would you know about my situation ?”
Yaku looked at him with a soft expression, filled with understanding. “Because I’ve been in the same position you are now.”
Shock. The way the libero said those words struck through Tobio swiftly. There was no hinted malice in what the brunet said. In fact, the aura around Yaku reminded Tobio of Suga, someone trustworthy and believable.
No matter how much Tobio didn’t want to admit to his perverted thoughts, he felt compelled to tell Yaku about it, to actually see if the older boy knew something-- anything about whatever it was that was going on with Tobio. Despite hating the topic of his problems greatly, he wanted to know why they were there more.
Tobio nodded. “Okay.”
Tsubame stood from where she was seated to the side of the couch and clapped her hands together. “Alrighty! Then I’ll be headed to meet up with your father and sister at the mall. We were going to get a few things that we may need in the near future.” Tobio immediately felt unsettled by his mother’s grin, the mischievous feel to it terrifying.
After his mom was gone, Yaku waved his hand at Tobio, motioning for him to sit on the couch. Tobio glared and sat in the chair his mother had vacated. Yaku stared at him and Tobio grunted, “What?”
Shaking his head Yaku leaned forwards and rest his elbows on his knees. “What do you know about transgender people?”
Tobio’s brow crinkled, confusion spreading in his mind. He’s heard the word before but only in passing. He shrugged, sinking into the chair.
“Dammit,” Yaku sighed. He leaned back and ran a hand through his short hair. “Okay, so…” His hand fell over his chin and mouth, staring at the floor. “How do I explain this without completely botching it.” The libero sighed once more, rubbing his hand over his face and facing Tobio again. “So, transgender is a term that people who don’t feel comfortable in their given bodies call themselves.”
Tobio was still entirely confused. And it must have showed because Yaku cursed under his breath and began to speak again. “Okay, so let’s forget the word for a second and I’ll explain something different,” he took a breath and glanced around the room. “There are some people who are born with a body that doesn’t match what they identify as. Like, someone being born in a female body but feeling like a boy every second of the day, or someone being born in a male body and feeling like they belong in a female body.
“These people don’t feel comfortable in their own bodies and can find themselves in a sense of anxiety or depression called dysphoria, it’s what causes anxiety attacks in transgender people. Still with me Kageyama?”
Tobio nodded, sitting forwards. He didn’t quite understand, but he was interested. Yaku nodded. “Okay, now, can you tell me what you feel when you look at dresses or girl’s underwear?” Tobio gulped and shook his head, glaring at the floor. He didn’t want to listen anymore. “Okay yeah, understandable, um…”
Another heavy sigh followed by Yaku’s voice. “I don’t normally outright tell people, or even show them, but I can tell that you won’t trust me all that easily.” Tobio’s sight was drawn upwards when he heard Yaku standing up and taking off his jacket. The libero began removing his shirt after it and Tobio began to feel awkward.
Tobio looked at the ground, not really caring for what was happening, but the libero clicked his tongue and growled, “Look at me Kageyama.”
Tobio flinched and looked up, remembering the libero’s scolding with Suga. Tobio’s eyes widened seeing a black fabric covering the third year’s chest. It looked like one of his sister’s sports bras, except tighter. Yaku scratched at his shoulder, covering up part of his chest.
“This is a binder. I wear it because I was born female, but I identify as male.” As he spoke, Yaku tugged his shirt back on. “I am a transgender male because of this. When I first realized what was going on, I didn’t understand any better than you do now. Talking to someone outside of your personal and home life helps, but it also helps to talk to someone who knows what you’re going through.
“Kageyama, when I was in elementary school, hell even when I was much younger, I had always thought something was wrong with me. I never liked the girly things that everyone else my age began to like. While they wanted to dress up and mess around in their mother’s makeup, play with society’s ideas of girls’ toys, I wanted to learn martial arts and play in the mud. I despised wearing dresses or any sort of feminine thing and I avoided it when I could.
“It was only in elementary school when I started getting major anxiety having to wear a female school uniform everyday. I lashed out at every turn and had no idea what my problem was. I’ve heard the thoughts that tell you that you’re disgusting, perverted, that something is wrong with you,” Yaku took a deep breath, hands clenching against his sides.
“My dad-- he figured something was off, especially when it seemed like I was having attacks for absolutely no reason. He sent me to a therapist, someone that tried everything in her power to get me to talk but I hadn’t at first but she had one day brought in another transgender male, that told me his story, and I realized what it was I felt.
“I felt disconnected from my body like it was unfit for me and that’s what caused me to lash out as I have, giving me a short-temper. After that I opened up to this woman and I found out even more about who I am and it’s helped, more than I can even explain. It helped me learn to focus more on everyday things, especially when I started transitioning, taking testosterone pills and wearing a binder. It hasn’t been simply sparkles and roses because there is still bouts of dysphoria, but it’s a lot calmer from when I was younger.”
Tobio dropped his head, mind swirling. He had listened intently to the words Yaku had spoken and his heart thumped painfully in his chest. He didn’t know what to think of this, he didn’t want to think of this at all, it was easier to just ignore it. He could feel his chest tighten up and his breaths get shorter. His eyes stung and his vision became blurry. He clenched his fingers into the crook of his arms, crossing them over his knees, trying to remain calm.
A small hand fell atop of his head and a soft voice spread through his consciousness. “You can tell me anything and I won’t judge you Tobio.”
A sob bubbled out of Tobio’s throat, tears fell slowly over his cheeks and Tobio began rambling. “I hate it, I hate feeling like this.
“I’m never comfortable anymore. I hate it when Asuka-neesan calls me brother, I hate it when Tsukishima calls me king, I hate when I’m called my parents son.” Another sob wracked Tobio and shudders overcame his shoulders.
“I hate feeling like I don’t belong anywhere, like I’m being crushed beneath a boulder. That I’m disgusting and perverted, that I’m wrong . I want to wear dresses and skirts, want to be feminine and not be judged for it. I want to understand what this is, I want to be okay .” Tobio broke off into painful sobs, bowing his head over his knees.
The hand on his head carded through his short hair in a comforting gesture. “Tell me what you feel when you hold a dress up against your body Tobio.”
Sobs flowed through his words but Tobio managed to speak. “I feel-- normal , like, like it’s… right .” Tobio’s sobs abruptly calmed down, coming to the realization. He swiftly lifted his head, wide eyes meeting Yaku’s tender ones. “I--” he broke off, voice thick with emotion.
Yaku smiled softly. “I want you to try something for me.” The libero removed his hand from Tobio’s head and motioned for him to follow. Yaku lead Tobio into the kitchen and Tobio’s eyes widened seeing a black dress spread out on the table.
He’s seen that dress before. It’s his mother’s, one of her older ones that was too small for her anymore. The dress itself didn’t have sleeves, only thick straps that would go over one’s shoulders. It ruffled in the front, sewed loosely at the waist, the bottom flaring out and hanging to one’s thighs.
Yaku snapped his fingers in front of Tobio’s face, and he pointed at the dress. “I want you to put that on and when you have it on, let yourself feel , analyze what you feel when you wear it, okay?”
Tobio’s breath hitched but he nodded, willing to try it after admitting all those things previously. He wanted to know. He needed to know. He gathered the dress up in his arms and walked to the downstairs bathroom, breathing heavily in anticipation.
He’s never had the courage to actually try a dress on.
It took him twenty minutes to actually get the dress on. He kept putting it off, anxiety coursing through his system. What if this was wrong? What if this wasn't what he was supposed to do? What if Yaku was full of shit?
But now that he had the dress on, he felt nothing but satisfaction. He felt free, freer than he has in years. The top of the dress billowed at his chest, and the waistline was tight on his body. But it felt good , especially feeling the black fabric swishing over his thighs, despite that hair covering them.
Yaku knocked on the door, muffled voice coming through it, “You okay Tobio?”
Instead of answering, Tobio walked over to the door, his mouth quirked into a small smile and he opened it, finding the libero right in front of the now open doorway. “I feel better.”
Yaku’s face seemed to rise in spirit, a brief laugh escaping him. “That’s amazing Tobio.”
“Thank you, Yaku-san.”
He got a snort in response. “Call me Morisuke, you aren’t my damn teammates.” He backed up before turning around and said, “The biggest thing that will help you, is finding a good therapist that mostly specializes in transgender cases, so we can really find out who you are, and you can come to terms with it yourself.”
Tobio hurried after the third year and grabbed the back of Yaku’s shirt. “Will you help me Morisuke-san?”
Yaku looked over his shoulder and met Tobio’s blue eyes. “As long as you’ll let me.”
Morisuke and Tobio talked about different things for about two hours. They spoke more about transgender and the other genders that exist. Morisuke explained the different sexualities and the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. They even talked about therapists and tried to search on the internet for a therapist that could help Tobio.
They had been finishing talking about different pronouns when Tobio’s family returned with shopping bags all over Asuka’s arms. “Tobio! Did you figure things out!?”
Tobio managed a small smile, standing up to help her. “I did neesan, thank you.”
His parents and sister all grinned at him, his mother stepping forwards. “And?”
A shiver ran through Tobio and he glanced at Morisuke from where he was setting the bags on the counter between the living room and kitchen. Morisuke nodded at him, nudging his head to where his mom and dad were standing. “I, um, decided to--” he broke off, wringing his hands. He didn't want them to think differently of him.
His eyes looked up and met his older sister’s soft blue eyes, so much different than his own. She always made him feel safer than he actually was and she always listened to him, even when he had completely shut her out. Determination coursing through him, he raised his head completely and stared at his sister, finding encouragement there.
“I want you all to try something, please?” He received nods from his family, reassurance filtering in the room. Tobio took a deep breath and steeled his nerves. Attention on Asuka, he spoke softly, “Can you call me your sister?” Then he turned to his parents, “And call me your daughter?”
Asuka moaned loudly and jumped at Tobio, wrapping her arms around him tightly. “Oh my god, I have such a cute little sister!” Quick, wet kisses were pressed all over his face, Asuka exclaiming loudly, “She's so cute and precious and I love her!”
Each time his sister’s words washed over him Tobio felt relief and normal . He felt like that's what he was, that was who he was. A laugh bubbled from his chest and he pushed at Asuka, “Neesan!”
The harder he pushed the tighter he was held and two hands fell on his head, rubbing his hair roughly. Tsubame laughed and pressed to his back. “Oh my baby, my beautiful daughter.”
Tobio’s eyes stung and he stopped fighting. He wrapped one arm around his older sister and the other around his mom. He pressed his face against his mom's shoulder and both women cuddled close to him. He sniffed and could feel tears welling in his eyes. He felt his mom’s slim arms wrap around him and a much larger hand begin to run through his hair.
“We’re very proud of you Tobio, our daughter.” And like a dam bursting tears fell from his eyes and into his mom’s shirt. He whimpered and began babbling out a repeat of words.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you…”
Around ten minutes later, the family separated and Tobio looked at Morisuke. “Thank you too Morisuke-san.”
Morisuke shook his head and smiled. “Only trying to help Tobio. But I have a question now. What are your preferred pronouns? After having done your experiment with your family?”
Tobio wrung his hands together, mind going thirty miles a minute. He felt good after hearing his family refer to him as daughter and sister, it was a million times better than being called brother or son. “I think…” he trailed off and bit his lip. He wanted to be referred to as a girl. But he didn't want everyone to suddenly know . To suddenly know and make fun of him. “I want… I want the people who know to use she and her pronouns in private, but. Um, but in public use he and him. Or just my name. I don't want to… come out until I'm ready, until I've fully accepted myself.”
Asuka nodded briskly against his own head. “Perfectly understood!”
“Yeah,” he heard his dad’s voice and felt his mom’s nod. “We’ll do our best, promise.”
Tobio smiled wide. This was the best outcome she could’ve ever had.