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In retrospect, it was probably Dazai's own fault. He probably shouldn't have dived into the river (as Kunikida had advised him numerous times throughout the duration of the day not to) but it was such a nice river that he just couldn't resist. By the time he'd been rescued by the disgruntled fisherman who now recognised him on sight ("You again?!") and reunited with his co-workers, even Dazai was prepared to admit that his actions were perhaps not the best plan of action he could have made. His dripping coat offered no protection against the cold October wind and his bandages weighed uncomfortably around his neck. He sniffled miserably as the day dragged on and all three of them were thankful when the job drew to a close.
Upon returning to the living complex of the armed detective agency, Dazai was promptly banished to his apartment.
"I am serious, Dazai," Kunikida said, scribbling into his notebook. "Do not leave until you are recovered from whatever malady has afflicted you. It's bad enough that one of our members is ill; I sincerely hope that no one else contracts the same illness as you. Make sure to get some rest and recover quickly."
Dazai pouted at the patronising treatment before his eyes lit up mischievously.
"Oho! So Kunikida-kun does care after all! How sweet! But I already have a boyf-"
If not for the presence of Atsushi for whom Kunikida was trying to set a good example, there is no doubt that on that day, Dazai Osamu would have been erased from existence. As it were, the only thing bruised on that day was his nose as the door was angrily slammed in his face.
Dazai laughed to himself before he made his way over to the couch, careful to avoid the numerous piles of sweet wrappers littering the floor. He discarded his soaked coat with all the elegance of a stripper (it was a shame that there was no one to gaze upon his beauteous figure but there would be plenty more opportunities in the future).
“I have to get better tomorrow so I can carry on annoying everyone. The agency just isn’t the same without me,” he said in what was meant to be a rousing pep talk. Instead it came out as a sleepy mumble. Although , he thought afterwards, it would be nice if Atsushi and Kunikida would handle my share of the paperwork as well so maybe it’s for the best that I don’t go in tomorrow.
Dazai felt that he had only been sleeping for a few minutes before the door was slammed open dramatically.
“Dazai-kun! I heard you were ill and as your loving boyfriend it’s my duty to take care of you!”
He blinked blearily for a moment before his gaze focused on the man standing in the doorway.
“Of course, this was your own fault to begin with; someone as intelligent as I, the great detective Edogawa Ranpo, would never be contract an illness in the first place.”
“Your IQ doesn’t make you immune to colds, Ranpo-san,” said Dazai, lazily stretching out his body like a cat.
“Even if that were to be true - and it’s not because I refuse to acknowledge it as the truth - the president makes me get vaccinated against the flu every year,” said Ranpo. “In fact, I still have the sticker from last time I went. See!” Ranpo produced a yellow sticker with a smiley face on it with a flourish. Dazai sniffed again and Ranpo hastily withdrew the sticker. “So you don’t sneeze on it,” Ranpo explained before heading into the kitchen.
“Ranpo-san, if you’re getting something to eat, could you pass me one of my canned crabs?”
“No because we’re all out,” said Ranpo, briefly reappearing in the living room with a chocolate pudding in his hand. “You ate my waffles so I fed them to the cat that lives around the agencies.”
“I had at least five tins left,” said Dazai indignantly. “Not including the ones in my secret stash.”
“The cat had a nice dinner,” Ranpo said around a mouthful of pudding. “He seemed to enjoy it.” He scraped the bottom of the tub with his spoon nonchalantly. “I’ll see you later, Dazai-kun.”
“Wait, I thought you were meant to be taking care of me,” Dazai said with a pout. “What happens if your cute boyfriend dies because you went gallivanting around Yokohama?”
Ranpo turned to face him and looked at him flatly. “I only came home because there was chocolate pudding in the fridge.” With that he closed the door so that Dazai was left alone in the apartment again.
In Dazai’s whole life, he had only managed to survive due to his incredibly conniving manner and laissez-faire attitude. Despite this, one could not describe Dazai Osamu as being petty until faced with the annihilation of his precious canned crab. He pulled himself off the couch and into the kitchen, ignoring the fact that the room was swaying alarmingly.
This will teach him to mess with my crab , Dazai thought darkly as he began to methodically and aggressively lick all the spoons in the apartment. He coughed into Ranpo’s favourite mug a few times for good measure. Mission completed, he made his way into the bedroom ready to sleep for the rest of the day.
“Are you alright, babe?” Dazai asked sweetly as he handed Ranpo another tissue. “You seem to have come down with something. And here I was thinking that “the great detective Edogawa Ranpo” was immune to all illnesses due to his superior intellect.”
“Be quiet and get me another blanket,” snapped Ranpo as he blew his nose loudly. “And make sure to get me another chocolate pudding while you’re up.”