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“Good morning, Suo. Don’t be scared. My name is Nirei, and I’m your boyfriend. We’ve been together for two years. You’re at home with me and you’re safe. Today, we were planning to go to the sea or take a walk along the waterfront.”
Nirei gave the confused young man a gentle smile. Suo cautiously looked around the room, seeming disoriented. He reached up toward his eye and realized the eyepatch was gone, so he quickly covered the eye with his hand.
“Your eyepatch is right here,” the blond boy said, pointing to the nightstand, as if he’d expected this. “And our photo album is here, too. I know you’re probably feeling a little lost right now, so I’ll give you some time. I’ll be in the kitchen, right across from this room. If you need anything, just let me know.”
Nirei smiled as he got out of bed. No matter how hard he tried to stay calm and keep his tone cheerful, the sadness in his eyes still showed, and the corners of his smile trembled slightly.
This had been going on for five months. That was how much time had passed since the accident. Nirei remembered the day as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. The call from an unknown number telling him that Suo was in the hospital. He’d been hit by a car. Nirei never found out exactly how it happened and he never would. The accident had left Suo with a severe head injury and anterograde amnesia. Worse still he’d lost memories of the time before the accident and couldn’t form new ones. All Nirei could do was repeat the same little mantra hoping Suo might remember a little more than usual. Most of the time, Suo only remembered that they were classmates and acquaintances. It was the same with everyone in Bofurin. He’d completely forgotten that they were dating.
Nirei was washing the dishes to the sound of the kettle coming to a boil when he heard a soft rustle. He set the clean cup aside and turned off the tap. He moved slowly and calmly, careful not to startle the young man who had appeared in the kitchen.
“Um… Nirei? Where are the bathroom and the toilet?” Suo asked, sounding so uncertain and awkward that it caught Nirei off guard.
“Oh, right. Straight down the hall. On your left is the bathroom, and on your right is the toilet," Nirei answered calmly, trying to act as though everything were normal.
Suo, who had already put his eyepatch back on, simply nodded and left the kitchen. Nirei let out a deep breath and leaned against the counter. His hands were shaking. There was no logic to the way Suo’s memory worked after the accident. He couldn’t remember most of the intimate moments they’d shared or many of the moments with their other classmates. And yet, he more or less remembered the layout of the house. He just didn’t remember that they were a couple or that it had been three years since they’d joined Furin.
Nirei could handle that. Show him the photo album and repeat the same words every morning like a mantra. Until one day. Suo didn’t recognize Sakura. They ran into him on the street on a day off from school. Suo stood beside Nirei gripping his hand tighter as he stared at Sakura. When Sakura finally called him out for acting weird, Suo replied that he didn’t know him at all.
After that day Nirei had to remind Suo who Sakura was every time they went out for a walk or headed to school. The boy with the mismatched eyes was still a little afraid of saying the wrong thing and the sadness in his gaze was hard to miss. And today he’d forgotten the layout of the house. The house he’d been living in for a year.
He couldn’t hold on to new memories, but he was losing old ones, too. It was as if his brain were snipping the little threads connecting him to the world. It was frightening. It scared everyone. But no one could truly understand how terrifying it was for Suo. Imagine waking up in a house you don’t recognize, with a guy beside you whom you can barely remember, telling you about and showing you things that happened over the past two years. You remember some fragments, but not others. It’s like trying to put together a puzzle when half the pieces are missing. And even if someone gives you the pieces, they don’t fit right. Everything is blurry and unclear. It could drive you crazy. All Nirei could do was stay strong. Help Suo move forward and help him remember the people around him and himself. That was all he could do. Stay by his side and try to look strong.
The floor creaked softly as the boy with the eyepatch peeked around the doorway. He looked around uncertainly, as if he were afraid of being kicked out, but eventually stepped inside. Nirei was pouring hot water into mugs to make tea. The blond boy gestured to the seat across from him, sliding a mug over and setting a small plate of rice beside it.
“I’m on a diet,” Suo blurted out instinctively, immediately grabbing his mug and ignoring the plate of food.
“Hayato, I’ve known you longer than you can remember. We’ve been together for two years, so that little trick isn’t going to work on me,” Nirei said, folding his arms and putting on a serious tone. He didn’t want to pressure Suo, but food had always been a difficult subject. “If you need me to leave the room, I can, but you have to eat. You can’t go hungry all day.”
Suo looked over at the plate, nervously tracing the rim of his mug with one finger. Then he looked up at the boy across from him and spoke:
“What about you? Are you going to eat?”
“I am,” Nirei confirmed, pointing to a similar plate of rice farther down the table. “So, are you going to eat now?”
“I’ve got more,” Suo protested, still looking between the plates.
“They’re the same. But we can switch if you want.”
Suo gave a small huff and looked at the plates one more time before leaving them as they were. He began eating, still a little hesitant. He took small bites of rice, constantly glancing over at Nirei. The blond boy just smiled and carried on eating at his own pace. It felt like ages ago that his boyfriend had been able to eat comfortably in front of him. They’d been through so much before Suo finally felt at ease around him. Now, that seemed like a memory from another life. Every day, all the progress Nirei had made was undone. A mix of sadness and warm nostalgia squeezed at his heart, though he tried not to dwell on it.
When they’d finished eating. Nirei started clearing the table and washing the dishes while Suo sat there staring at the wall, fidgeting with the sleeves of his sweater.
“Want some more tea?” Nirei asked, making Suo jump in his chair. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Sure,” Suo chuckled softly, accepting the offer. Nirei would’ve been lying if he said he wasn’t happy to hear that light, easy laugh.
“I know we talked about this yesterday, but I’ll ask again. Do you still want to go to the sea? It’s the middle of autumn, but there’s barely any wind. The water should be calm and it won’t be too cold.”
“Why not? Getting some fresh air can’t hurt.”
Nirei simply nodded with a gentle smile as he poured another round of tea.
They got ready pretty quickly, and an hour later they were already on the train. There was no sea or port in Makochi, but it was easy enough to take a train to a beach in another town. The trip took about an hour and a half. The sky was overcast. At first, a little sunlight had managed to break through the clouds, but now even that had given up. The train was quiet, making the rhythmic clatter of the wheels easy to hear. Suo stared out the window for a long time before finally speaking:
“Akihiko?”
“Hm? Yeah?” The boy being addressed looked surprised, though he probably shouldn’t have been. Sometimes Suo started calling him by his first name. Still, every time it happened, it felt special that Suo remembered it and felt comfortable enough to use it instead of his surname.
“I just thought it felt right. I looked through the album. We really are close. There’s no point putting up walls just because my brain’s stupid,” Suo said with a sad sigh, finally turning away from the window.
“Your brain isn’t stupid. And you can call me whatever feels right to you,” Nirei said, his fair brows drawing together. He clearly didn’t like hearing Suo put himself down. None of this was his fault.
“Whatever you say,” Suo scoffed a little theatrically, once again trying to brush off the awkward conversation. He tilted his head and looked away to avoid eye contact before continuing. “That guy with the black-and-white hair shows up in the photos a lot too. But I can’t remember him at all…”
“That’s Sakura, our close friend. He was also our class captain and we were his vice-capitans.”
“I see. Is his hair naturally like that?” Suo clasped his hands together. Avoiding eye contact with the boy sitting opposite.
“Yeah, and his eyes too,” Nirei replied with a soft smile. He found it a little amusing that this was Suo’s first question about Sakura.
“He seems to be a unique person. And clearly he’s important to me. So why can’t I remember him at all?”
Something inside Nirei broke all over again. Hearing his boyfriend’s quiet voice, so helpless and sad, was almost unbearable. Suo’s one visible eye had always been so full of energy and joy. Watching that precious ruby lose its shine and grow dimmer each day under the weight of helplessness was sickeningly unfair.
“You remembered him for most of the time. About a month ago, when the three of us were out together, you told me you’d forgotten him. Sakura knows what’s going on and he doesn’t blame you. We all know this isn’t your fault. Sakura can be a little short-tempered but he’s always patient with his friends,” the blond said gently. He slowly laid his hand over Suo’s clasped hands and gave them a soft, reassuring stroke.
“Even if I don’t remember him?”
“Even if you don’t remember him. You’re still his friend.”
“Tell me something about him,” Suo whispered, finally looking up at Nirei.
“Okay.”
For the next twenty minutes Nirei told him about Sakura. Their patrols, walks, and visits to Kotoha’s cafe. Suo listened closely the whole time, asking questions from time to time. It was nice to look back on all those moments. He just wished the circumstances had been different.
When they arrived the sky was still just as overcast. They walked toward the beach, passing souvenir stalls that were becoming fewer and farther between as the season wound down. People strolled peacefully through town enjoying the pleasant day. The boys walked in silence until the pier came into view on the horizon, with the path down to the beach below it. Cold sand got into their sneakers. There was no avoiding it, unfortunately. A pleasant surprise, at least, was that it was dry. There had been no wind in town but closer to the sea, a breeze picked up. It wasn’t strong enough to blow sand into their eyes, though it did make the water ripple gently.
When they reached the shore. Nirei took a deep breath of the sea air. The cool breeze and salty smell soothed him in a way he couldn’t explain. He could have stood there forever. Then a dull thud pulled the blond boy out of his thoughts. He spun around and saw Suo lying on the sand.
“Hayato?” Nirei hurried over and leaned down to look at his face. Seeing his faint smile helped him relax a little. “What are you doing? It’s not summer anymore. The sand’s cold. You’ll catch a cold! And what am I supposed to…”
“Akihiko?” Suo interrupted, still lying on the cold sand. “Tell me, what’s the point of living?”
“Oh…” Nirei fell silent for a moment before answering. “Everyone has to find their own meaning in life, Hayato.”
“Then what’s the meaning of my life?”
“Hayato…” Nirei furrowed his brows and crouched down beside him on the sand.
“I mean it. I can’t remember anything. And the stupidest part is, I can’t make new memories, either. And looking at the situation with Sakura, I also keep forgetting. So I’m basically making you take care of me and throwing your life away in the process.” Suo tilted his head and looked at Nirei with a sad smile.
“What if I told you that you’re the meaning of my life?” Akihiko whispered, clenching his hands in his lap.
“Then I’m sorry. You should send me somewhere and just live your life in peace,” Suo whispered, closing his one visible eye. “I can see how much you’re suffering.”
“You can’t say that…” Nirei let out a quiet sob, wiping his eyes with trembling hands.
“Akihiko, I… you’re right. I’m sorry…”
“Yes, you’re right. It hurts unbearably. Knowing that someone so close to you doesn’t remember you. And then watching them forget what happened yesterday, over and over again. The same cycle, repeating day after day. Every morning, I say the same things. The same questions, the same actions, the same confusion all over again. Sometimes you ask one question, and the next day it’s a different one, but somehow we always end up back at the question you asked on the very first day. We tried staying awake, but the human body needs sleep. Sleep resets everything to factory settings. Back to the beginning of the cycle. And you know what? I’m willing to keep going along with this cycle if it means I might find a way out. I’ll keep repeating the same words and giving the same answers. Just in case there’s some tiny opening I can use to pull you out of it. I’ll keep going, no matter how sad or painful it gets. Whether you forget Sakura or the home we share. I’ll keep going for the chance that one morning you’ll wake up and remember what I told you the day before. That’s my meaning in life. Guide you through it until you can stand beside me and walk with me. I won’t abandon you. You wouldn’t do that to me, either.” Nirei said, looking straight into Suo’s eye the whole time. His own amber eyes filled with tears. Suo stared back at him taking in every word.
“I wouldn’t. I just feel like I wouldn’t,” Hayato said. He sat up so he could face Nirei more closely, warm tears running down Nirei’s cheeks. “But what if one day I forget you completely too?”
“Then I’ll add more details to what I tell you. It doesn’t matter what you forget next. This can’t go on forever. One day, you’ll stop forgetting. I know it. I believe it and I’m not giving up that easily.” Despite the tear tracks drying on his face, Nirei looked sure of himself. “Don’t doubt that I’ll keep fighting. I learned from the strongest person I know. You. So you can’t just give up. What kind of example would that set for your student?”
Suo let out a quiet chuckle and pulled Nirei into a hug. The sun was beginning to set, painting the water in shades of orange. The blond boy pulled back a little. His cold hand came to rest against Suo’s cheek, drawing him in for a brief, gentle kiss. He was always afraid of startling him. So close, yet still impossibly far away. His amber eyes shimmered with old tears and the glow of the deep orange sunset.
“I love you, Hayato Suo.”In response, the boy he was talking to smiled gently at him.
“Thank you for being my guide through life. You deserve so much more, but I’m grateful you chose me.”