Work Text:
Atlas was sure he was hallucinating. It was hard to separate how felt he about Clair with what ended up being realty. Zach had assured him that he would be there and so far he had made good on that promise. This did not change the fact that something was wrong with Atlas’ brain.
In the quiet moments of his day, and in between conversations with Zach, he’s certain he can hear her calling out to him. He now knows she’s not real, and that any connection he thought he had was just a carefully curated lie. It doesn’t make the ache in his chest any easier to ignore. Talking about it has begun to make him feel pathetic. How could he be so blind? How could he be so desperate for connection that he allowed himself to trust code more than another human?
He’s sure Zach can see the weight he’s carrying on his shoulders. He hasn’t really addressed it directly but Atlas is sure it’s coming. He’s seen what he looks like. He has deep under eye bags, and his skin has lost any and all color. The lack of sleep is catching up to him. He trudges through his days with bleary eyes and heavy limbs. He’s barely able to make half coherent responses. He’s exhausted but everytime he closes his eyes, he hears her. More importantly he feels her. Or he feels what he imagines is her. Cold metallic hands tugging at him, pulling him away from Zach. Away from safety and sanity. Hard rigid hands that have no trace of humanity, uncaring and cruel. It makes him feel sick. Some nights he wakes up in a dizzy panic and has to check his body in the mirror for bruises he’s convinced are left behind. He can barely get fifteen minutes of sleep before his mind betrays him.
They had appeared suddenly. He had been progressively getting less sleep and his appetite had been off. It started off small, a radio crackling to life, muffled by distance. Easily explained away. Then it was a hushed whisper, not clear enough to know what was said but clear enough to know someone was speaking. That one had been harder to explain away but still ignorable. It wasn’t until Atlas was woken up to the feeling of an iron clad grip on his arm that he accepted that something was wrong. He screamed so loud his neighbor had come over to ask if he was okay. He vowed to not tell Zach, he didn’t want to worry him unnecessarily. Atlas could handle it.
Handling it looks like surviving on small power naps in brightly lit rooms and staying active. The busyness helps keep his mind off unpleasant thoughts and does a good job of distracting Zach. How could anything be wrong when he’s so productive? Though at this point nothing can truly hide how dysfunctional he’s been living. Even in his more conscious moments, he still feels Clair lingering at the back of his mind.
Some time after the whole ordeal in the cave, Zach had asked him about sleep. They had left the server and began talking in a voice chat. It was awkward at first but as annoying as it could be, Zach was persistent and didn’t take no for answer. He fought like hell to keep Atlas from fading out of his life. Talking to him had become easy, and required little effort on his part. Zach was charming when he wanted to be, and funny in a quiet way. He was also cute but that’s not why Atlas stuck around.
Zach was different from everyone else. He didn’t talk to Atlas like he was freak, he was genuinely interested in what he had to say. He made Atlas feel like he was worthy of attention. Zach had been talking about his new video and usually Atlas reveled in listening to Zach talk. His voice was comforting and put his mind at ease. This particular night though, he had had a pretty bad night and after Atlas zoned out for the second time he asked him about his sleep. Atlas had avoided the question at first but he reluctantly told Zach about his poor sleep schedule. At that time it was just a combination of insomnia and forcing himself to be awake at ungodly hours. The paranoia and hallucinations came shortly after.
The distance also made it easier to lie to his friend. Zach lived a couple hours away and had a life outside of Atlas. It was fine. He was plagued by immense levels of guilt and felt like the worst friend in the entire world but it was fine. He had been dodging video chats and was slow to reply when he texted, and unfortunately his friend wasn’t an idiot. It’s very likely that Zach has been onto him for quite some time, and just wanted to give Atlas the chance to work things out himself.
He wasn’t a fan of being told what to do and hated depending on other people. People let you down and break your heart. Failing isn’t an option for people like him. Atlas knows that he’d rather work himself into the ground before he’d willingly reach out.
This is why, after a night of staring blankly at his ceiling fan and forcing his eyes open, he’s not surprised to find Zach at his door with a bag in hand. He had ignored the knocking at first, he assumed it was just a new sound his brain conjured up to scare him. The knocking, however, picked up and Atlas could hear the chain shaking. He ran out of his room as fast as he could, worried there was a fire or some other disaster. He can’t say he was disappointed to see Zach.
It felt good to see another person, someone who was actually here and not just in his head. Zach looked tired, from over his shoulder Atlas could see his car parked by his own. That means he drove about four hours, no wonder he looks tired. He wants to reach out and touch Zach. Needs to know that he’s real, needs to feel his heart beat under his skin. Atlas’ left hand twitches at his side as if it’s going to reach out but it stays hanging loosely. If Zach noticed the movement he doesn’t comment on it, he does however seem to pause as he takes in Atlas’ appearance. He can’t be 100% sure of what he looks like but he knows it’s not good. Worry flashed over Zach’s face before it morphed into annoyance.
“What the hell is wrong with you dude?” Zach asked rhetorically. He pushed past Atlas, who put up no fight. He simply turned his body so that the other boy could easily walk into his home. Atlas doesn’t say anything as he follows Zach into the kitchen.
“When was the last time you ate?” Zach asks as he corrals Atlas into a chair who sits silently as Zach continues ranting. Zach is upset because he hasn’t responded to texts or calls in several days and apparently looks like he’s not eating. It’s justified and Atlas sees no point in trying to defend himself. He just props his right arm up and leans his face against it, and watches as Zach navigates his kitchen as if it was his own.
“Do you know how worried I’ve been? You disappear off the planet and then when I finally see you, you look like death beat the hell out of you!, ” Zach throws open Atlas’ cupboard before closing it and moving to the fridge.
As Zach walks circles around the small room, Atlas feels himself drifting off to sleep. Listening to the other talk, even if it was aggressive and very much a scolding, it made something in his body relax. The danger light that had been on for several weeks shut off the minute he was in Zach’s presence.
“-ello? Helloo … Atlas … Are you listening?” Atlas doesn’t know when Zach crouched down next to him, he’s certain a minute ago he was getting reprimanded for his shitty actions. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes and looks at Zach’s hand, which is being waved in front of his face. He mumbles out some half assed acknowledgement and does his best to focus on the movement.
That must have been the wrong move, because uncertainty flashes in his eyes. Zach slowly lowers his hand, and suddenly comes into Atlas’ personal space. He’s so close that Atlas can faintly feel his breath hit his face. At this proximity he can see how bright and expressive Zach’s eyes are. He looks hurt. His blue eyes are darker than they usually are, they hold all of Zach’s emotions precariously. They look like they’re ready to overflow at any moment. Zach’s eyebrows are scrunched up and his face has contorted into barely masked fear. It makes something in Atlas’ stomach tighten.
He feels his breath quicken and worries that Zach can somehow see what’s been tormenting him. He leans back as far as he can while sitting, desperate to get away from Zach. He can’t let him see. Zach can’t know how fucked up he really is, he’ll see what Atlas has seen all along and leave.
Despite Atlas’ best efforts Zach doesn’t allow him to retreat. He stands up and places his hands on his shoulders. Atlas’ twitches, reminded of the chrome hands that have been haunting him. He swallows down his fear and tries to not flinch away from Zach’s touch. Unfortunately he’s about as graceful as an elephant at the moment so Zach notices. Zach tears his hands away as if he’s been burned and they hover awkwardly above his shoulders. Atlas tries not to think about how he’s disappointed from the removal of the pleasant warmth.
Atlas was scared so Zach pulled away, he’s nice like that.
He stares directly at Atlas’s eyes, searching for something. Atlas is sure he’s found it when the other boy frowns deeply. He takes his hands off his shoulders, and sits down across from him. Atlas tries not to think too hard about what it means when he feels disappointed that Zach pulled away.
Zach folds his hands in front of himself and they sit in silence for a few moments. Atlas wants to say something but knows he needs to let Zach process whatever information he gathered.
“You haven’t been sleeping.” Zach points out. It’s said the way you discuss the weather. Very plainly and matter of fact.
Atlas stares at the table and nods. He feels embarrassment run from the top of his head and down to his feet. His hands tremble as he fiddles with them in his lap. His whole body feels like it’s on fire and he can barely contain it. He feels ashamed. There’s a voice in the back of his head that snarks that he’s a grown man. He shouldn’t need to depend on someone else for this sort of thing. The voice sounds an awful lot like something he’d rather forget.
“I know you don’t want to have this conversation but can you help me understand?” The question is asked slowly, as if Zach is still considering his words as he speaks them. Theres an underlying question of whether Atlas has gone back to Clair. Atlas can’t even be offended, he’s sure that if the roles were reversed he’d probably wonder the same.
Atlas doesn’t want to answer honestly. He needs to tell Zach that he’s ok, just had a bad night. The chances of him believing that are low but he can’t tell the truth. Zach will most definitely come to his senses and bail. He’ll realize that Atlas is not worth the trouble and that he’s better off cutting his losses here. That can’t happen. Atlas opens his mouth and the wrong words fall out.
He tells him that something is wrong. Something has flipped in his head and he’s hearing things that aren’t there. He sees the shock on Zach’s face but he can’t stop. His words are rushed and slur together and he’s stopped making sense. He swears up and down that he has never even thought about talking to it again. Once the floodgate had been opened it felt nice to tell another person what was happening. To have someone look at him and see who he was. He tries to continue but big fat tears fall from his eyes. He hastily reaches for his cheeks to wipe away the tears but they keep coming. He begins to suck in huge gasps of air and feels his throat tighten. Panic floods his nervousness system and he feels disoriented.
He reaches out blindly against the table, searching for anything to ground him. He feels Zach hand slip into his own. He hyperventilates as Zach jumps into action. He scoots his chair closer and holds onto Atlas’ hand. He gently rubs his finger against the back of his hand and tells Atlas to breathe in a steady voice.
“Can I touch you Atlas?” Zach has his left hand floating in the air waiting for confirmation. He looks at Atlas like he’s something precious, something that needs to be protected. It makes Atlas feel alive. He hums a confirmation and tries his best to listen to Zach’s instructions. Zach pulls Atlas’ hand against his heart and pushes his own hand against Atlas’s chest.
“Do you feel that? Try to follow along with my breathing, okay baby?” Zach demonstrates how to breathe and helps Atlas follow suit. It’s not long before he comes back to his body. He feels even more exhausted if that’s even possible. He sags into his chair and feels his body go limp. If not for the hold Zach has on him he’s sure he would fall out of the chair.
“I’m sorry,” He mutters out. He stares defeatedly into Zach’s eyes.
Zach smiles at him softly, “You’re the one who had the panic attack. Why are you apologizing to me? Don’t be silly.”
Atlas does his best to return the smile but it does little to reassure Zach. The other boy sighs as he pulls himself even closer to Atlas. Atlas allows himself to be selfish and leans against Zach’s side, everything is too much. He feels overwhelmed and he doesn’t want to run from the comfort being provided to him. He’s not sure how long Zach holds him at the kitchen table but eventually he’s being hauled off to another room.
It’s his bedroom.
The air is cold and still. The sunlight beaming through the curtains gives the room an other worldly feeling. Zach deposits him at the foot of his bed and begins rummaging through his drawers, pulling out items of clothing as he goes. He has a habit of making himself home, Atlas is pleased by the casualness of his actions. Zach pushes the clothes into Atlas’ hands once he’s found everything and pushes him towards the shower.
“I know you’re tired but a shower will help a ton. Go do that and i’ll get things ready in here.” Zach has already shut the door and has left to go do, whatever it is he was talking about.
Atlas stands awkwardly at the door before biting the bullet and turning to look at the mirror.
He’s mortified as he takes in his own appearance. His light blond hair looks darker from the grease and sweat, matted to his head in some areas and sticking up wildly in other’s. His under eyes are a stark difference to his borderline translucent skin. He looks ill. He does look like death beat the hell out of him. He laughs softly to himself because Zach was right. Again. He turns from the mirror and gets into the shower. The sooner this is over, the sooner he can lay down. He’s not sure why but sleep actually sounds inviting for the first time in a really long time.
Once he’s freshly cleaned and in soft clothes he’s steps out from the bathroom and goes to his room. He can’t help but smile at what Zach’s done. He’s not only changed his bedding but remade it entirely. Atlas didn’t even know he had clean bed sheets. He might have even fluffed the pillows, Atlas can’t be certain though. They’ve never looked so inviting. He’s also made sure the curtains are closed and the only available light source is a small lamp on his bookshelf. He walks over to the bed and sits down gingerly. He looks around his room and fears that the other shoe will drop any minute now and Zach will abandon him.
Zach comes back in carrying a glass of water and sets it down by the bed. He smiles sweetly at Atlas and it might be the brightest thing he’s even ever seen. Atlas doesn’t know what he did to deserve someone who actually sees him. It’s been much too long since Atlas felt like anyone cared about him, and yet here someone was.
Atlas thinks back to everything Zach had done for him. He’s showed him kindness and has done more for him in the short time he’s known him then years of being with his family. He wants to question Zach’s actions and wants to know what makes him so special to Zach. Atlas decides to leave that for another day. He’s far too tired to open that can of worms.
He bites at the inside of his cheek and tries not to worry about how that conversation will go.
“I can see the wheels turning up there,” Zach sits down next to him and nudges his forehead playfully. “Wanna share with the class?”
Atlas shrugs and grabs the water and takes a drink instead of answering. He smirks behind the cup because he knows it’ll piss Zach off. He’s had a bad day, he’s allowed to be a menace. Zach crosses his arms and pouts like a petulant child.
“You know it’s super annoying when you pretend not to hear me,” Zach waves his finger accusingly. His tone is light and he laughs at his own words. Atlas thinks he could fall in love with him. It’s not a new thought and he’s always pushed it away. In this moment he allows it to exist. He thinks one day he might learn to embrace this softness with open arms and not cower at his own thoughts.
“Yeah whatever, “ Atlas rolls his eyes but continues, “I was just thinking about how we will have to discuss stuff … hopefully tomorrow.”
Zach hums and agrees. It’s clear neither of them have the brain function for that. Atlas turns from Zach to look at his bed. Sleep is calling to him but he feels phantom hands gripped around his throat and knows he’ll be fighting his own subconscious soon.
He bites his lip and wonders how he’s gonna explain to Zach that he appreciates him getting the bed ready but he won’t be able to actually use it. He looks up at Zach again and catches the soft gaze pointed at himself. Zach turns away quickly, his face turning a shade of red. His ears were also red and if Atlas was a betting man, he’d bet that flush went down to his chest.
It was painfully endearing. He laughs quietly to himself and does something brave. He grabs ahold of Zach’s hand, turning it so his palms were face up, and idly drags his finger across his hand. It soothes both of them, though Zach is still flushed.
“Zach I need to tell you something,” Atlas says with an air urgency. Zach turns his head curiously and waves him on.
“I feel safer with you here. You make me feel like I matter and like I’m not completely alone. I really appreciate everything you do for me, I know it’s not easy and that I can be difficult.” Atlas barely has to think about his words.
They’re probably the most honest ones he’s ever said. He brings both of Zach’s hand into his and brings them to his mouth so that he can kiss them. He places a tender kiss to the back of each hand and looks up at Zach through his eyelashes. Zach looks less stunned and more embarrassed. His face has turned a deeper shade of red and he sputters clumsily.
Atlas sets one of Zach’s hands down softly before bringing his own finger up to tap at his chin mockingly.
“Woah, did I render you silent? I might need to go buy a lottery ticket.” Atlas laughs brightly.
It’s so easy to ragebait Zach. He tells himself he just likes seeing Zach’s reaction but it’s more than that. He’s so sure there’s a line somewhere and if he keeps pushing Zach, eventually he’ll find it.
“Shut up, you just caught me off guard. You don’t have to thank me for taking care of you. You’re not difficult. Caring for you is the easiest thing I do.” Zach is sincere in his words and it makes something click in Atlas’ brain. The day he pushes Zach away for good hasn’t come, in fact he doubts it ever will. Zach has consistently proved beyond a doubt that he’s loyal to Atlas. It makes his heart flutter.
“Pinky promise?” Atlas says attempting to lighten the mood. Zach sighs dramatically and locks his pinky finger around Atlas’.
“Go to bed already idiot,” Zach says exasperated. He eases his hand away from Atlas and stands up. He turns to walk towards the door but Atlas seizes his arm. He whips around in a panic, eyes hastily scanning Atlas’ body for signs of danger.
“Please stay- I can’t sleep alone… She’ll come back, please just stay,” he pleads. He knows he looks desperate but he can’t face this alone.
Zach pulls his arm free and brings his hand up to Atlas’ face. He tenderly holds his face in one hand, while the other pushes his hair off his forehead. It’s nice to have someone hold him with such reverence. Zach is always ready to argue until he’s blue in the face but the second it comes to physically touching Atlas, he melts completely. He becomes pliant and moves slowly, intentionally. Never pushing Atlas, always meeting him wherever he is.
“Where else would I go?” Zach whispers back. He says it as if it’s foolish of Atlas to assume he was leaving, maybe it is. Of course Zach was going to stay with him, Zach would never leave him like this. Atlas smiles and falls carelessly into the mattress, the last of his energy draining.
He closes his eyes and feels more than hear Zach crawl into bed next to him. Once Zach has gotten settled he’s pulled into his chest. Zach wraps his arms loosely around his waist, and kisses the top of his head. He mutters comforting words into his hair and strokes his back. Atlas has never felt more content. He knows that nothing can reach him if he’s in the other’s arms. No ghoul, ghost or ai can touch him when he’s got his own personal guard dog ready to watch over him while he’s the most vulnerable.
He sighs satisfied that Zach is with in reach. He knows this doesn’t fix any of his issues but it’s a start. He doesn’t feel like he needs to look over his shoulder, he feels like he can breathe.
Zach is real and warm and sturdy under his hands. He’s not going anywhere. He can’t believe he almost turned this connection down for something artificial. He craves this so deeply it scares him but he knows he doesn’t have to face it alone. He curls further into Zach, wanting to be as close as possible. If he could crawl into his skin he would. He feels Zach coo at him but he can’t bring himself to care or feel embarrassed.
“Please get some sleep, sweet boy, I promise I’ll be here when you wake up,” Zach kisses his forehead again. “I’m not going nowhere.”
Thats the last thing Atlas hears before he falls into a deep slumber. No nightmares, no voices, no mysterious hands on his body. Just a warm body, and a steady heartbeat.