Chapter Text
Kevin laid his head on the conference table. The high he was riding after Foghorn Leghorn and Buddy Crane got locked up only lasted two months, and now he’s exhausted from both organizing evidence to get a slew of ACME associates sent to prison and keeping his hook-ups with Buddy a secret. But, even now, Paige would ask him what he was smiling about when he would reminisce on their short-lived fling. Why couldn’t he have a normal sex life?
After ten minutes of him pretending to be tired so Paige would stop eyeing him suspiciously, Sal finally came into the conference room with everyone’s lunch. As soon as he walked in, he brought up what Kevin was agonizing over.“Did you guys hear that Leghorn and Crane got transferred to low-security in Texas?”
“Why, no, I did not!” Kevin could feel his hands start to shake as he unwrapped his turkey and cheese.
“I kinda wish it was at least medium-security, but as long as they’re behind bars,” Paige said.
“Yeah, but Crane is only getting four years,” Sal said, “and you know that means probation in two.”
Kevin hid his smile behind his sandwich. Two years sounded a lot better than four.
“Do you think Wile E. is going to build a crazy contraption for when he gets out?” Paige laughed, and Sal also chuckled. Kevin tried laughing along, but he needed to remember to check in with the coyote genius soon. He didn’t know why this was such an issue—Buddy deserved to go to federal prison because he helped cover up federal crimes! Buddy wasn’t his boyfriend, or even a good guy. He was just a guy on the side he had sex with, and his ex-boyfriend at that. It didn’t matter that they got to know each other again through hook-ups and late night dinners (not dates), or that every time they saw each other in secret, it got his blood pumping. He sent a criminal to federal prison. Buddy is going to do his time in a federal prison in Texas, and Kevin will never hear from him again.
“Hey,” Paige said. “Are you ok, Kevin? You don’t like well.”
Kevin snapped out of his spiral and nervously laughed. “I’m fine! Just fine! But I just remembered that I have to do something, so I’m going to finish this in my office.” He stumbled out with his sandwich and locked himself away before Paige could follow. He was being ridiculously sentimental towards a man who was clearly a sadist in some (most) regards. The fact that Kevin managed to keep his phone number this entire time was something outside of his understanding, and thinking about that fact moved him to reread their texts from the last few months. Their messages were flirty and coy, and filled with Buddy showering him in pet names and compliments. It made Kevin feel fuzzy inside, but also… sad? Angry? Criminals belonged in prison! It wasn’t his fault that his dickhead ex-boyfriend decided to come back into his life by being involved in his lawsuit and then tried being the sweet guy that he was behind closed doors twenty years ago. He just needed to move on and forget about him. Maybe he should actually try dating around again…
Kevin spent the rest of his workday avoiding everybody and his own thoughts. He was going to move on; he just had to figure out how first. Buddy being in Texas already helped, and now all he had to do was ride out the four (or two) years.
But then he got a call from a random number from Texas one evening as he was trying to unwind. He hesitated before answering, thinking it might be a scam call, but he didn’t get many calls from Texas. “Hello?” He said.
“Kevy? It’s Buddy.”
“Oh, hey!” Kevin turned off the TV as he got settled onto his bed. “Hey, Buddy. Um… what’s up?”
“What’s up?” Buddy chuckled over the line. “What’s up? I’m so damn mad at you right now! Tipping off the feds? I’m wearing all khaki 24/7 now.” His voice was stern, but he was making an obvious attempt not to yell. He was definitely being monitored. “How’d you get all those tapes? Is this what you’ve been so busy with? I’m so freaking mad at you!”
“Whoa, ok,” Kevin said. “I can’t help that you chose to take part in civil rights violations.”
“And you chose to sleep me while putting on an investigation! I bought you dinner several times. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“You know I can just hang up, right?”
There was a few moments of silence before Buddy said, “Fine. I’m… sorry.” He sounded defeated, which wasn’t something Kevin actually liked hearing. “I am still mad at you, though. You really have some nerve.”
Kevin huffed out a laugh. “Hey, pal, you called me. I didn’t think I’d hear from you again.” He wanted to ask if Buddy had his number memorized, but that would just be salt on a wound.
“Yeah, that would be smart, wouldn’t it?” Buddy laughed. “I’m such an idiot. You even broke up with me for a second time, and I’m still calling you up.”
Kevin sighed. Buddy never made anything easy, and this was somehow harder than the first time they split. “Can’t break up if we weren’t dating. I just called off sleeping together.”
“Right, because you knew I was going to get locked away.”
“Look, Buddy, I’m… I’m…” Kevin considered his word choices. “Ok, I’m not sorry. You’re lucky Dr. Lorre was shoved into that hole before we were even in Harvard, or you’d get a longer sentence. Foghorn Leghorn is going to be there for a while.”
Buddy huffed over the phone. “But four years? I’m supposed to just be Leghorn’s prison bitch and then get released to nothing? Come on, Kev, don’t make me beg for pity.”
“Oh, please. You know you’ll get out sooner on good behavior,” Kevin said. “So don’t get into any fights, ok? You’ll be out in no time.”
Buddy took on his classic drawl. “Oh, but I’ll fight for you, baby.”
Kevin snorted out a laugh, feeling his face heat up. “I just sent you to prison, and you’re still flirting with me? You were mad a minute ago.”
“Got over it,” Buddy said. “Besides, I… have no one else to call. Doesn’t hurt to get on your good side. I’m going to get sick of talking to Leghorn and Bill.”
“Oh, Bill is in there? Then he can be your prison bitch.” Kevin laughed at his own joke.
“Not funny.” Another voice came through muffled from the background. “Hey,” Buddy said, “I got five minutes. Can I call you again in a few days?”
“A few days?” Kevin asked. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to misread what’s happening here. I snitched on you to the FBI.”
“I know what’s happening. You’re playing hard to get, and I’m trying to win your affections over the phone. So what do you say, sugar?”
The pressure of the five minute countdown was getting to him. “Fine!” Kevin said. “Call me soon. Evenings only. Don’t get… too excited about this, ok?”
Buddy chuckled into the line again. His voice felt warmer, and it sent butterflies through Kevin’s stomach. “I like the sound of that. How do you feel about mail? You mind getting sent stuff?”
Kevin shrugged, despite being over the phone. “I can do that. Have it sent to the office, though. The front desk gets weird about my mail sometimes, and I can usually intercept stuff before anyone else gets it at work.”
“Right, right.” Buddy sighed. “Do you… mind sending me mail? I wouldn’t mind having a photo of my sweet in here.”
Kevin felt heat rise in his face and neck. “I—Buddy, it’s going to take more than one phone call to get me to do that.”
Buddy scoffed. “Didn’t hurt to ask. I gotta go now. Call you soon.”
“Ok, bye.” When the line went dead, he felt all the energy drain from his body. Apparently, he was a lot closer to the sent-my-boyfriend-to-federal-prison zone than he thought.
A headache threatened behind his eyes. All he wanted was to get laid, and now he was here. He hadn’t had sex in over a decade—could anyone blame him for being involved with a guy who was a little too cutthroat?
The next day, he was on edge. Part of that was from arranging meetings with ACME’s new head lawyer for the next slew of lawsuits his clients were ready to bring up, and the other part was from trying to keep his feelings at bay. Despite it all, in moments of idleness, his mind still drifted to Buddy. He could imagine his smile as he called him “sugar” and “baby” over the phone. It made him giggly, so he tried to stay in his office as much as possible.
A knock came at his door, and Paige peaked in. “Hey, um…” She glanced behind herself. “You need to get out here. Something came for you.”
As he got up and made his way out, the list of what it could be ran through his mind. It couldn’t actually be mail from Buddy because he just talked to him last night. Other than that… he wouldn’t know.
In the middle of the floor was a cartoon frog. He brought out a top hat from nowhere and sang out, “Your singing telegram is here!” He then produced a toon rose bouquet, also from nowhere. “Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey—”
Kevin looked over at Paige, who just smiled at him and shrugged. He let the frog finish singing, silently took the bouquet, and watched as the frog hopped out the door. Sal stood up from his desk. “What was that?”
“I don’t know,” Kevin said.
“That was weird,” Dottie said from her seat.
Paige grinned, taking the cartoon roses. “How romantic! Is this from you know who?”
Kevin groaned and dragged a hand down his face. “I don’t know, and if it is, I really don’t want to talk about it.”
Paige stared into the bouquet and then plucked out a card. “Oh, look! It says, ‘Kevy, your stallion misses you.’ Oooo, stallion!” She nudged Kevin with her elbow and winked.
Kevin reached for the card, only for her to evade him. “Hey!” he shouted. “Don’t read other people’s telegrams! And don’t wink at me!”
She giggled and flicked her ponytail around. “No way! ‘Sugar, once I get out of this prison, I’m hunting you down.’ What?” She froze in her spot and stared at the card. “Prison? Hunt? Are you in danger?”
“Nope!” Kevin plucked the card from her hands. “Not in danger, just pissed off now.”
“Hold on, I’m confused.” Sal materialized next Kevin and took the card. “Who is this from?”
Kevin snatched the card back. “None of your business.”
Sal looked around him at Paige. “I know you know.”
“His ex,” she said. “I don’t know more than that.”
“I am right here!” Kevin shouted. “Gossip somewhere else!”
“An ex?” Sal said. “He must be desperate if he’s trying to get back with you.”
“Hey!”
Paige took the card again. “But what’s with the prison bit? Is he really in prison?”
Kevin scratched the back of his head. “Uh… yeah. I don’t want to get into it, but yeah.”
The office was silent for a moment. “Well,” Charlie Dog said, “are you getting back with him?”
“I don’t—”
“No way,” Sal said. “An inmate? Kevin, are you crazy?”
“Do you think his boyfriend is already convicted or that he needs bail money?” Dottie asked.
“What!?” Paige interjected. “Sal, that is his stallion! Is it so wrong for someone to live a little dangerously?”
“Getting hunted down by a hitman did terrible things to you,” Kevin said. He grabbed the bouquet and the card back. “Also, he wasn’t a criminal when we were dating the first time. And we’re still not dating, so drop it! Do these need water?” He walked off.
He hid away in his office, staring at the flowers. Do toon flowers need water? Do they need a toon vase? He’d have to ask someone. He wished he could call Buddy up and yell at him, but he couldn’t… He didn’t even know when Buddy would call him next so that he could yell at him. He doesn’t even call Buddy ‘his stallion;’ he does that shit himself.
A knock came at his office door as it slowly opened anyway. Paige popped her head in, giving her usual smile. “Hey…” she said. “Are you ok?” She finally walked in and closed the door.
“Sure,” he said. He flopped down into his chair. “Is that all you came in for?”
“No…” She dragged the only other chair in there up to his desk. “You just seem… surprisingly sensitive about it. Are you really not seeing him? Because if you are, that’s ok. Having a secret boyfriend doesn’t sound fun.”
Kevin sighed. “I really can’t get into it with you. Mostly because you’re my niece, so that’s just weird. Also, a lawyer dating a felon? Doesn’t sound too great.”
“Not just a lawyer—a prolific lawyer!” Paige said, but the lack of energy from Kevin just made her frown. “Sorry, right. Makes it worse. Do you want to talk to me about him like he isn’t a felon? He still sounds sweet with the roses and all.”
Kevin shrugged and propped his head up with a hand. “I guess. He can be sweet. I think he’s just handsome, mainly.”
“Mmhm.” Paige nodded. “And?”
“And nothing.”
“What? Kevin,” Paige said, “he’s clearly crazy about you.”
“It’s complicated.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means it’s complicated!” He dragged a hand down his face. “He’s just being like this because he’s alone in prison. I don’t even know why he sent the telegram. He called me last night!”
Paige chuckled, but then fell serious again. “Is it complicated because of what he did, or?”
Kevin shrugged. “Yes? Part of it. He’s also just an asshole.” He laid a hand over his eyes and huffed. “But he’s also super sweet. He asked me to mail him a picture of myself for him to have.”
“OMG!” She squealed. “He must be crazy about you! I wished I had someone like that!”
“No, you don’t!” Kevin snapped at her. “My boyfriend—no, not boyfriend—is in prison, Paige! I can’t spend time with him, or hug him, or kiss him… I can’t even actually talk about him with anyone because of what he did!”
“Whoa,” she said. “Did he commit murder? This is feeling a lot less romantic.”
Kevin just stared at her for a few moments before answering, “No. It was a white collar crime.”
Her eyes widened. “Like embezzlement?”
“God, I wish,” he groaned. Kevin glanced at his watch. “Don’t you have an appointment with Sniffles coming up? I’m getting sick of talking about this.”
Paige huffed at him. “Fine, but I will find out more about this guy. And I’m totally going to help you pick out a selfie to send to him.”
“Whatever! Good luck dealing with toon pharmaceuticals!” Kevin shouted at her as she left. This was a nightmare. Paige was a little too enthusiastic, and a little too smart; the likelihood of her finding out was high. It didn’t help that she was staring at him for the next few days, most likely judging him. She didn’t even actually know who he was with! He almost wanted to tell her to get it over with.
He decided to settle on something else. “Hey,” he whispered to her. He waited patiently for her to stop typing.
She sighed. “Yes?”
“I can’t tell you who the guy that I’m seeing is, but can you help me pick out a photo to mail?” He slid his phone over to her. “Is it stupid to send over the headshot that I have up on the billboards?”
Paige sighed again, but then giggled. “Go to your desk, and I’ll take a pic for you.”
They must’ve taken at least eight pictures before giving up. Paige liked the second one she took, but Kevin couldn’t get over the insecurity of getting his photo taken to send to the guy he feels so intensely about. Paige looked at her watch. “We need to wrap this up. You’re over thinking this!”
“Am I!?” Kevin let his head drop to his desk. “God, I don’t get why he wants a picture.”
“Why are you so stressed about this? It’s just your boyfriend who’s not your boyfriend.”
“I don’t know!” He tried to collect himself to take another photo, but then his phone started ringing. He looked at the number and his heart dropped. He popped up out of his seat and yelled, “Oh my God, it’s him!” He tried waving Paige out quietly. “Hello? Hey! I guess I’m not busy right now.”
Paige took her time leaving, backing out of the room with a thumbs up and a smile. If only she knew. Kevin waited until she fully shut his door before relaxing. “Hey, by the way, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Well, according to you, I’m selfish, greedy, and sadistic—or are you not talking about why I’m in prison?”
“No,” Kevin said, “the flowers! There was a singing frog at lunch a few days ago, and now everyone knows I’m seeing someone! And cartoon flowers? Anvil law isn’t a joke!”
Buddy huffed into the phone. “Geez, baby, I thought you’d like my little gesture. I wasn’t trying to make fun of you. I thought it’d be cute.”
“Cute?” Kevin scoffed. “When have you ever been concerned about being cute?”
“Oh, come on. You can’t say I’ve never been romantic with you.”
Kevin sighed. “Sure, yeah. If you’re friends weren’t around, and if we didn’t have a big assignment due, you were.”
“Well, shit. Sorry I was trying to be sweet on my man while I’m locked away in prison.”
“You—!” He realized he was yelling and peered through his office’s blind to make sure no one was listening in. “You weren’t supposed to call me during the day, either.”
“I was going to call you later, but Leghorn was talking about calling up his roost this evening, and I didn’t want him to hear us. There’s more than one phone in here.”
“Of course,” Kevin sighed. More secrets.
“Work with me here, Kev,” Buddy said. “I’m doing my best. Do you know how hard it was to shake off Bill so I can come and call you? Leghorn scares the shit out of him.”
“To be fair, he also scares you.”
“He scares everyone—he’s a huge Southern rooster!” Buddy sighed into the phone. “You know, I have to wait at least an hour in between my fifteen minutes, so can you be a little nicer instead?”
Kevin scoffed. “Be nicer? Make your case.”
Buddy chuckled, which made Kevin’s heart flutter. “That’s one of the things I like about you, Kevy. You’re pretty sexy when you’re the no-nonsense attorney I know you as.”
A blush crept along Kevin’s cheeks. “Oh! You’re pretty convincing, Mr. Crane.” He knew he was being pathetic, but a little bit of flirting wasn’t going to hurt.
Buddy loudly sucked air through his teeth. “Mr. Crane? Come on, baby, I get called Crane all day. That and my inmate number. Can’t you be a little sweeter on me? I don’t know the next time I’ll get to see your handsome face.”
Kevin bit his lip to keep his giggles away. “Ok, honey. Um, so what have you been up to in there?”
“Meh, nothing much,” Buddy said. “Working out, reading, and thinking about you usually takes up my time.”
Kevin chuckled. “You’re really laying this sweet thing on thick.”
“I wish I could lay something thick on you, sweet thing.”
“Buddy, please!” Kevin tsked at him. “They’ll cut the call if you get too crazy, and I’m at work right now!”
“But I probably have you smiling, don’t I?” Buddy asked. Kevin could hear his smile over the phone too. “I do think I’m going to get off and go read for a bit. I’ll call you again soon, ok?”
“Ok, uh…” Kevin hesitated. “Bye, sweetheart.”
“Bye, baby.”
Once they hung up, Kevin marched to Paige’s desk. “Pick whichever photo you think is best and then print it out. Make sure it’s relatively small. Thank you.” Before Paige could say or do anything enthusiastic, he made his way to his next client.
Kevin spent the next six months taking calls at odd times and intercepting the mail before Charlie Dog could get his paws on it to distribute. There was something surprisingly romantic about receiving a love letter from a guy in federal prison. Taking out the physical aspect of their new relationship reshaped them, and Kevin wasn’t hating it. He liked it so much, he put in effort planning a weekend trip to see him.
“So,” he said, “I’m not going to be here on Monday. I’ll getting back from being out of town this weekend.”
Sal shrugged and bit into his sandwich. “Just Monday? You could use a vacation after taking over that Sniffles case.”
“Meh, it wasn’t too tough. Paige did most of the legwork,” Kevin said. “If anyone could use a vacation, it’s her.” He looked over at Paige, but she was already staring and smiling at him. “What?”
“Aren’t you going to tell us where you’re going? This is the first I’m hearing about you going on vacation,” she said
“Oh!” Kevin scratched his chin. “I’m just… going out of state.”
Paige was still staring and smiling at him. “To do…?”
“Visiting a relative.”
“Oh, which relative?” she asked. “I don’t really know anyone out of state.”
He cringed at himself. Right, she was his niece. “Yeah, it’s a relative you don’t know. Just an old aunt.”
“Would dad know her?”
Kevin flinched at the question. “You know that I’m lying, so stop asking questions!”
“Ha, knew it!” She pointed at him. “You’re going to visit your boyfriend!”
“I thought you weren’t together?” Sal asked.
Kevin sighed. “Things got… a little less complicated, so I’m going to pay him a visit.”
“Oh, how fun!” Paige giggled. “So, is he in the Central correctional facility or Western?”
Kevin sighed again. “No, Paige. He’s in Texas. I was serious about being out of state.”
“What!?” Paige shouted. “Where in Texas? That’s such a huge state. What if you get lost or kidnapped? You are a prolific lawyer, now.”
“God, Paige, it’s a six hour drive. He’s just in Big Spring.” His palms were getting sweaty at how he was narrowing down things for her.
“Federal? Oh,” she said. Her tone was… less than favorable. “That one sounds familiar for some reason, but I can’t put my finger on why.”
“No idea!” Kevin squeaked out. He shoved more of his sandwich in his mouth.
She got out her phone, much to Kevin’s dismay, and tapped away. “Ah! I’m thinking of the private facility. That’s where Foghorn Leghorn and Buddy Crane are. You’re going to the other one, aren’t you?” He didn’t say anything. “Aren’t you?” she repeated.
“I’m going to my office.” He walked out with his lunch and locked the door.
Towards the end of his lunch, his phone buzzed:
Paige: can we grab dinner tn? 🙈 my treat.
It wasn’t going to be her treat, but he obliged. He brought some takeout Mexican to her apartment later that evening. His heart hammered in his chest as he knocked on her door, knowing where the night could go. It only calmed down while they made small talk and set the table.
“So,” she said, “Big Spring. The same prison with Leghorn and Buddy Crane. Is that a good idea?”
Kevin sighed into his burrito. “Probably not, but I still want to visit. We already did the whole approve visitor form thing, and that took awhile,” he said. “It’s a prison. Foghorn Leghorn can’t shoot me or anything while I’m there. I probably told you more than I should already, so let’s just end it here, ok? Eat your food.”
“Mm, yeah, not ok,” she said. “As your niece, I’m concerned about you.”
“As my niece, it’s none of your business, and I’m a grown man.”
She pushed around her rice. “Uncle Kevin, you live in a motel and don’t reach out to family a lot. Dad gave up trying to reach out to you a while ago and now just asks me about you. Everyone is worried, and now there’s a lot of CEOs that don’t like you.” She sighed, leaning her cheek against her palm. “I’m the only one who knows you’re dating a guy in prison, and now you’re going to be six hours away visiting a guy only I’m vaguely aware about. Are you really ok being a mystery? What if something happens?”
“Nothing is going to happen. Do you know how many guards are going to be there? It’s Texas.”
“I don’t know…” She bit into her food. “I’m just worried about you. Your ex was bothering you, then I thought he stopped, but now you’re dating and he’s in prison. You won’t even tell me what he’s in prison for or show me a picture. It’s just hard not to worry when you’re being mysterious about it.”
The guilt of it all flooded his mind all at once. The balancing act of his new reputation and his emotional past was catching up to him, but he wasn’t through holding on to his last bit of selfishness. He never thought his love life would actually affect his career like this and, furthermore, his family. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but he didn’t know what and what for. More words to push his niece away? No matter what he said next, he was sure she’d float away from him. She was one of the few family members left that not only didn’t avoid him completely, but wanted to be involved. They both had a hit out on them, and that really bonds people.
“Alright.” He hesitated, “I’m going to… tell you some things about him.”
“Ok?”
“Ok.” He took a deep breath. “He’s in prison because he took part in covering up a bunch of crimes involving some civil rights violations and exploitation. I don’t agree with what he did, just to be clear, but it’s something that I’m working out with him.”
She slowly nodded. “That’s… something. Not that any crime is good, but embezzlement did seem like a better crime.”
“Yeah… it would be.” He took a few more bites of burrito. “But he is handsome and charming, so it wasn’t hard for him to get me back, unfortunately.”
“Sure…” Paige went to eating silently.
Kevin huffed. “Don’t be like this.”
“Don’t be like what?” she asked, knowing exactly what he meant.
“You’re obviously mad about this now.”
“I get going for a hardened criminal, but exploitation? That’s not a red flag for you?” she scrunched up her nose at him. “There are probably so many nice men in Albuquerque, and you’re dating a guy who’s in federal prison for civil rights violations?”
“Ok, well, him being my ex influenced this a little more. If he wasn’t, I wouldn’t be dating him again,” he said.
“Do you hear yourself?” She put down her fork and folded her hands on the table. Great. “We just got through a huge consumer protections lawsuit involving exploitation, and now you’re dating a guy who apparently partook in something similar. Is he that hot that you’d be willing to compromise your morals like this?” Kevin didn’t say anything. “Show me a picture,” she said.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re going to be really mad at me.”
She tilted her head, already prepared to be confused, with her eyes wide and intense. “Why’s that? Is he not cute? Not cute enough to justify dating a guy in federal prison?”
“Well,” Kevin said, his face grimacing, “you already know what he looks like, so I don’t think I need to share a photo.”
“Already know what he looks like?” she asked. After a moment, Paige started laughing. “You’re so funny! Is defusing situations with humor something you’re trying out? Because if you’re not kidding, and this is who I think it is, then this is really bad.” Kevin just looked at her, downtrodden and tired. Her smiled dropped. “Are you serious? Kevin!” Her voice rose a decibel. “Are you talking about Buddy Crane? You’re joking!”
Kevin held his hands up in defense. “Look, he’s an ex-boyfriend, and after the Coyote case happened, he wanted to grab dinner. Then things just happened.”
“Buddy Crane is your ex-boyfriend!?” she shouted. “I thought you were rivals!”
“We were, and then we also dated. You can imagine why we broke up.”
“Can’t imagine why you’d get back together, though!” Paige popped up from her seat and paced. “He asked you out, and you just said yes. Did the hitman mean nothing to you? What about St. Looneys?”
“I know, Paige!” he said, raising his voice to her level. “Things are just a bit more complicated between us. We have a history.”
“Complicated? Things are complicated between you and your ex, the live-lobster man? He’s sucks!”
Kevin dropped a fist onto the table. “I know he sucks, but sometimes he doesn’t! He’s just an idiot! You don’t know him like I do!”
Paige threw her hands up and scoffed at him. “Oh, I’m sorry, let me give my sympathies to the rich, white man.”
Kevin was getting a strange sense of deja vu—a similar argument between a friend back when—but he just needed to shake it off. He took a deep breath. “I’m not telling you to feel bad for him. I don’t feel bad that he’s in prison. I was right here with you, late at night, combing through all the evidence to get him locked away. He even knows I tipped off the FBI, all while I was seeing him. What we do is our business.”
Paige gasped. “He knows!? If he could arrange a telegram, then what if he arranges another hit on you? He isn’t even handsome enough for you to be acting like this!”
“Maybe to you!” he said. “I like his blue eyes and dimples! And he’s not going to put another hit on me. He’s not going to ice out his boyfriend.”
“Uh-huh, sure,” she said. “That’s totally not why he wanted a photo of you. He’s probably going to show his next assassin what you look like with it. God!” She facepalmed. “I literally helped you with that! I can’t believe I’ve been helping you flirt with Buddy freaking Crane!”
“Exactly!” Kevin exclaimed. “You’ve been hyping him up without knowing who he is! You were fine with my boyfriend being in prison until it was Buddy Crane!”
“I was being supportive! I felt bad!”
“So why can’t you still be supportive?” he asked. “He’s still my ex who was begging for my attention. You saw the flowers and the frog telegram. He’s a lapdog behind closed doors, seriously. He can be so incredibly sweet—he just gets caught up with public image.”
Paige closed her eyes and groaned. “Ok, but what about your public image? Hello! Prolific lawyer and activist!”
“Why do you think I kept it a secret?” he said. “We weren’t even dating again until he got to prison. I tried ending things before he got arrested, and he still called me! He’s even nicer than before!”
“What do you mean you weren’t dating? Are you telling me you guys were just hanging out this entire time?”
Kevin cringed. “Paige, you are my niece, but you’re also an adult. What the hell do you think we’ve been doing?”
Paige stared at him and then scrunched her face up. “Ew! Ew! Ew! Stop talking.” She sat back down, covering her eyes and keeping her eyes shut. “I can’t believe you are sacrificing your morals just for a man!”
“He’s not just a man,” Kevin groaned. “I know he’s Buddy Crane, but he’s also Buddy. I used to steal his quarter-zips, and they would always smell like his cologne.” He rambled on, “He would make me pancakes in the middle of the night if we were studying, and sometimes we were able to go and have nice dinners, and he laughs at all of my jokes—”
“Kevin! Snap out of it!” she shouted. “You know, I thought having a gay uncle was supposed to be fun, but you make decisions the way my college roommate did. He’s a bad person.”
He dug his palms into both of his eyes. “I know, I know. But he’s also so sweet and caring.”
“Is he? Then why did you break up with him?”
“Because he was a jackass and didn’t want to tell people we were dating.”
“See!?” She crossed her arms and huffed. “He sucks. He sucks so much that he’s in prison. What you’re doing is super risky.”
“I know that, but I’m lonely,” he said. “I thought I would be settled down by now, but I haven’t been on a date in over a decade, and Buddy just so happened to be my last serious relationship. I really thought we were going to move in together after graduation.” The more he reminisced and talked, the more the life drained out of me. He was ready to abandon his burrito to curl up in a ball and cry. “I really, really thought we were going to last a while. I like the second chance.”
Paige sat down again. “I guess. There isn’t any other man in Albuquerque that you would want to try with?” Kevin shook his head. Paige sighed. “I really don’t understand what’s happening with you and… him, but I know you’re going to see him anyway. I just want you to be smart about this.”
Kevin gave her a sad smile. “I’ll try.”
He wanted to smart about it—he really did—but it was hard to when he was giggling over the phone to his boyfriend complimenting him again and again the night before his trip.
“Sugar, you’re lucky there’s going to be guards in the room when I see you. I’m vibrating out of my skin waiting to see your handsome face.”
Buddy’s voice rumbled through the phone, making Kevin feel as warm as a fireplace. “Buddy, sweetie, if you keep talking like that, they’re not going to let me visit.” He chuckled to himself.
“Hey, they haven’t cut the call on me yet,” Buddy said. “And you best believe I’ve been behavin’.”
Kevin chuckled again. “What? ‘Best believe’? I think you’ve been hanging around Leghorn too much, as much as I like your cowboy-schtik and all. You didn’t talk like that in Harvard.”
“Dammit, it’s just because I’m in Texas. Even Bill is picking up an accent, and it sounds weird on him.” Buddy laughed. “I don’t know what I’m going to say if him or Leghorn are around when the guards come get me for you. I’m already having a hard time hiding my letters from you.”
“What do you usually do with them?”
“Leghorn doesn’t know squat. Bill is my bunkie, but I usually tell him to mind his business. I keep them under my pillow.”
“My picture hidden with them?”
“Nope, I keep you in my shirt.” Kevin could hear Buddy thump his chest over the phone. “You’re right over my heart, babydoll.”
Kevin’s face had never been so red before, and he was just alone in his motel room. “Geez, you’re really—uh—you’re really—” He couldn’t find the words to express how he felt, if he even knew how he was feeling. Even when they were in law school, Buddy was never this shameless in private. He couldn’t even say ‘I love you’ back to him when they were in their twenties, and now he carries a picture of him everywhere. “You’re… sweeter than I remember.”
“You were my first boyfriend,” Buddy said. “I didn’t know what I had till I didn’t. Is it so wrong that I’m trying to butter you up? I missed you.”
“Did you miss me before or after humiliating me in front of the entire nation?”
Buddy groaned. “Why do you keep bringing that up? It didn’t even damage your career—I saw you on the news the other day going up against a pharmaceutical company. Also, don’t forget, that mutt you were representing put me in a cage, and my arrest was televised. Don’t act innocent.”
“Wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t start it,” Kevin mumbled.
“Oh my God,” Buddy said. “You are such a child.”
“Am I? I didn’t want to bring this up, but I’m also mad about the hitman. ACME set someone out to bomb my office. My niece was in there!” Maybe telling Paige was a good idea. He was letting so much slide just so he could get some dick.
There was silence over the line for a moment. Buddy cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about the mistrial, and about congress, and about the scare tactics. I didn’t want you dead—I just wanted to win.” There was more silence, partly because Kevin was thinking over whether he actually forgave him. “Are you still going to come and visit, Kevy?” he asked. “I meant it when I said I was excited. I miss you. I was missing you when you started putting up billboards all around the city. It hurt driving around.”
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. “Yes, sweetheart, I’m still visiting. I just… had a weird conversation a few days ago.” Kevin glanced down at his watch. “Our time is pretty much up, though. I’ll tell you about it in person.”
“Ok. I’ll see you soon. Bye, baby.”
“Bye, honey.”
Why was it his love life that ended up being so complicated? He was pushing fifty and getting nervous about visiting his boyfriend in federal prison. He was so nervous that he missed a turn on the way to the hotel, making his six hour drive into seven. He couldn’t sleep either and (reluctantly) asked the hotel’s front desk for a wake up call so he didn’t sleep through visiting hours. He hadn’t seen Buddy since before the arrest, and it was almost a year since then. What if he was randomly photogenic, and Buddy forgot what he looked like in real life, and he dumped Kevin right there in the prison? What if Foghorn Leghorn did show up and shoots him? No, that thought was definitely anxiety fueled.
His brain ran a mile a minute, even with the lack of sleep, while he walked through metal detectors and filled out paperwork. He was shaking as waited to be called into the room. He looked around at the other visitors—all were wives, kids, and attorneys. For some reason, he felt stupid being there. He wondered if any of the other inmates had complicated histories with their partners.
His heart fluttered when his name was called. Standing by a steel table with a guard was Buddy. It was weird seeing him without his bolo tie and hat, but he didn’t look half bad in khaki. “Get your greetings out of the way and then sit down,” the guard commanded.
Buddy grabbed him up into a tight hug, breathing him in as he did. Kevin hugged him back, relishing his warmth and broad shoulders. When they broke away, Buddy gave him a quick kiss on the head before sitting down. The smile on Buddy’s face made the hassle worth it. “I missed you,” he said.
Kevin smiled back. “I missed you too.”
The guard stepped back into the corner of the room, which put Kevin at ease. “Was the drive ok?” Buddy asked. “It wasn’t too long, was it?”
Kevin shook his head. “No, it was fine. I almost got lost a few times, but I made it. Got in yesterday evening.” He yawned and rubbed his eyes.
Buddy snickered. “You not sleep last night?”
“Nah. Couldn’t sleep,” he said. “I was a little nervous. It’s been awhile.”
Buddy fiercely nodded. “Yeah, it has. I would kiss you all over if I could, and that’s all I can say about that.” They both laughed—the situation they were in was just too odd, and laughing was the only way to break the tension. Kevin laid a hand on the table, and Buddy laid his on top. They got about ten seconds of hand holding before the guard behind them coughed, “No hand holding.”
Buddy turned around to him. “Everyone else is holding hands. What gives?”
“You’re men,” the guard bit back. “You’re lucky I let you hug.”
“Ugh, Texas,” Buddy muttered as he turned back to Kevin. “I hate it here.”
Kevin smiled. “You know—”
“Don’t say it,” Buddy said. “I know why I’m in here, so shut up.”
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry,” Kevin huffed out. “Uh, was Bill or Leghorn around when you got called back?”
Buddy shrugged. “Bill was, but I’m not worried about him,” he said. “What about you? Everyone minding their business on your end?”
“Barely.” Kevin rolled his eyes and sighed. “Of course, part of that is your fault with that stupid frog, so practically the entire office knows I’m seeing someone.”
“Oh, that’s nothing. You can privately date.”
Kevin cringed at himself. “Well, yeah, for the most part. I did… tell Paige.”
Buddy furrowed his brow. “Tell her what?”
“That you’re… you,” Kevin said. Buddy groaned. “I’m sorry, but I had to!” Kevin said. “She’s been trying to be really supportive, and even help chose a photo to send you, but she’s one of the brightest people I know. She kind of put two and two together.”
Buddy’s face momentarily dropped before giggling and laughing. “Did she really help you with that photo?”
Kevin’s face flushed. “Yeah? I didn’t know what to do. The only pictures I have are the ones in my print ads.”
Buddy snickered. “Baby, you are adorable. I would’ve taken any photo of you.”
“No, you wouldn’t have. If I sent you a magazine clipping, you’d freak out.”
“Maybe,” Buddy said, “but getting to see your smile everyday makes things in here a bit more bearable.”
Kevin’s face just kept getting warmer. He hid his face behind his hands. “Again, were you like this in school? I don’t remember you being this intense.”
Buddy shrugged. “I can’t touch you, so words are all I got right now, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes I did last time.”
Kevin peered at him. “Which ones?”
Buddy rubbed the side of his neck, and the tips of his ears turned bright red. “The ones that made you feel unloved. You know, I… love you, Kevy.”
Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose and took in a deep breath. “Of course you say this now that you’re in federal freaking prison.”
“I mean it, baby,” Buddy said. “You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted to let you know.”
“Ugh, I hate you,” Kevin groaned. “Why do you like torturing me?”
Buddy laughed. “Because it’s easy.”
Kevin put his hands down and looked at him. He didn’t have on the hard-hitting, stern lawyer look Kevin became reaccustomed to; instead, Buddy looked like his big, softie law school boyfriend again. His smile was subdued, and his eyes sparkled. The zing of nostalgia pissed Kevin off. Why the hell did he have to be evil for a bit?
They ended up talking for about an hour more, giggling over how Bill and Foghorn Leghorn were poorly adjusting to prison. When they hit their time limit for the day, they got another hug, and Buddy made it a point to give Kevin a peck on the lips. Before Kevin officially turned to walk away, Buddy said, “Call up my attorney—he’s got my house key. If you want, you can hold onto it and take a quarter-zip or two.”
Well, who was Kevin to pass that up?