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He wasn’t a very self conscious person. Sure, he had his days in his youth where he found himself comparing his own body to his peers, measuring what was different between him and others. That was a pretty typical part of childhood though. He didn’t think a single person has ever gone through life without comparing their body to somebody else's. Whether it was wishing his hair was a different color or wishing his body type was more like one of his acquaintances. He assumed that it was pretty normal to feel that way. As he had matured through high school, he had realized his body type was good for the position he played in football and that there were some pluses to being the skinnier and less muscular kid. Regardless of the couple years he spent comparing himself to others in the height of puberty, he had never really been insecure.
Sure, he would have changed some things if he could have, but it was never a big enough deal in his brain that it actually bothered him. He thinks the closest he had ever come to being insecure was the very first shift he had shared with Eddie at the firehouse. With his mind treating their relationship like a competition, he found himself temporarily struggling with the fact there was a younger, good looking guy about to take his spot in the team. It was less of an insecurity about looks and more about having yet another group of people he had started to trust turn their backs on him and leave him in the dust. Obviously, that wasn’t Eddie’s intention, nor was it Bobby’s when he had hired Eddie. It had only taken him about a shift to realize that much.
That being said, the insecurity he had felt throughout his life never had much to do with his appearance or looks. He was confident in his own skin for the most part and knew that in reality he was a good looking guy. The insecurity he had was more found in his constant need to fit in. He didn’t want to be a burden. He had grown up thinking he was never good enough. That nothing he would ever do would be enough to satisfy his parents or his family. No matter how hard he tried he would never be what they wanted of him. That was a hard enough pill to swallow before he knew the full extent of the story. He had solely been born as spare parts for another son. Defective parts, that was. He had come out of the womb a disappointment. He hadn’t had a moment to live before he failed at his only task as a person. As much as he hated his family for keeping that from him, a part of him appreciated that he hadn’t been forced to carry that through his childhood. He had been self destructive enough without that information tainting his mind.
Then he had been crushed by the full weight of a fire engine. His leg had been destroyed along with any chance he wanted for his life to be the same again. Months of PT were made worthless after he found himself coughing up blood on Bobby and Athena’s porch. He almost fell into a depressive spiral but didn’t have the time because he took his best friend’s son to the pier and almost got them both killed in a tsunami. Then he sued his captain, friends, and the entire city because of his own fear that he was being left behind. He could only thank them over and over for the kindness they had to be able to forgive him for that, even if it had taken Bobby and Eddie a while. He understood why. He had directly sued Bobby himself and it made sense that the man needed some time to forgive him. Eddie on the other hand. While he hadn’t been directly sued, Buck could tell he was the most hurt by the action. Not long ago he had lost his ex wife. He was juggling his job, his own issues, and comforting his son, only to have the person he considered his best friend betray his trust and create a situation where they were not able to see each other. Buck understood why he was pissed. It came from the fact he was hurting and didn’t know how to express it besides being mad. He knew that was something Eddie was trying to work on.
Back to the original point he was trying to make, he had never really been an insecure person. Well. That was until now.
With how busy they had all been the last couple of years, it was very uncommon for them to have a day that they could all get together and have a good time. Fortunately, today was one of those days. Early summer in LA. The sun was out. The day was super nice. Warm enough to swim and have a good time outside but not sweltering heat that made everyone want to stay inside. It was the perfect day. Seeing that time had finally lined up to where all of them were off shift, Bobby had invited them all to a barbecue at his and Athena’s house tonight.
Buck had initially been super excited. He loved having the opportunity to hang out with his family, have a couple beers, and just have a good time. He had spent half of the morning cooking a corn casserole recipe he had found online and it turned out super good if he didn’t say so himself. He had texted Eddie some and watched a couple baking shows, trying to pass the time until the cookout. He was so excited. He loved getting to be with his family. It had been entirely too long since the last time they had gotten together that wasn’t at the hospital, or didn’t end with something awful happening.
Bobby had told everyone to arrive close to six, so when five o'clock finally rolled around, Buck was more than ready. The last time he had been swimming- willingly, he shook away the thoughts of the tsunami- had been well before the ladder truck injury. He dug through his drawers, searching for where he possibly could have stored away his swim trucks. In the very back of his bottom drawer, he ended up finding two pairs. One of them was a dark green and the other a lighter blue. He really hoped that the Blue ones would work out. Although, he would be happy with either of them fitting considering he hadn’t gotten them out in ages. He quickly began shrugging his sweatpants off. He kicked his pants and boxers off to the side and pulled the trunks over his hips. They felt like they fit pretty well. Buck made his way to the mirror to make sure they didn’t look ridiculous when his face fell. Oh.
He forgot about that.
He felt stupid for forgetting. How does anyone not remember that their legs had been torn to pieces by the full weight of a ladder truck.
Even more than a full year later, his skin was still painted in brilliant shades of blues and dark red where the skin graphs had been taken. Ugly scar tissue still twisted up and down his leg, highlighting where his skin had been stretched back together. He could feel the way his skin pulled and ached over the shredded limb. The splashes of bruised skin that never quite seemed to disappear were obvious against his pale skin. Buck swallowed. He suddenly remembered why he didn’t wear shorts a lot. Why he usually wore a compression sleeve on his leg if he did. It was awful. His leg was hideous to look at. It made him want to gag as he stared at the ruined limb.
Suddenly all the excitement he had been awaiting all day deflated out of him like a popped balloon. He quickly kicked off the swim trucks, pulling his boxers and sweat pants back on quickly. He ignored the roaring in his head and the stringing in his eyes as he did so.
He had been so excited for tonight. He had been waiting for this moment all week. He had spent the entire morning prepping to make sure everything would be perfect. Now here he was, staring into his mirror trying not to cry because he forgot his leg was forever going to be a ruined mess to remind him exactly what happened.
He wiped his eyes, trying to stop the tears from coming. It was humiliating to be crying about something like this. He prided himself on being strong and confident in himself and here he was, moments away from calling Bobby and telling him there was a change of plans and he couldn’t come. The fact he had been waiting for this all week only made the sting hurt more. He didn't have too much to look forward to in his life and one of the few things he did have was ruined. He sniffed, feeling the snot run over his lip.
He picked up his phone from where it was laying on his bed. He opened to Bobby’s contact, rereading earlier messages. He had texted Bobby about how ready he was for tonight. About the corn casserole he had made and how he hoped everyone liked it. Reading the messages only made him want to cry harder. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes.
He couldn’t call off. If he all of the sudden called off everybody would know that something was up. Then half of the team would be at his door trying to figure out what possibly was the reason he no longer wanted to show up to something he had been talking about all week. Maybe he would be okay with simply Eddie at his door worrying over him and comforting him, his heart aching at the thought of those dark brown eyes. But, the idea of the entire team at his door was already overwhelming him and it hadn’t even happened yet.
Buck sighed, wiping his eyes. He would just not swim. He would wear his sweatpants and help Bobby grill. Sure, everyone else would be swimming and enjoying their time in the pool, but it was fine. He could still have a good time.
He stuffed the swim shirts down into the very back of the drawer before slamming it shut. He threw a light grey shirt over his chest and grabbed some socks. He quickly pulled the pair on, lacing up his tennis shoes, and checked himself in the mirror to make sure he looked somewhat presentable.
His face was still a bit red, his eyes watery, but he was sure it would fade before he made it to Bobby and Athena’s. By the time he made it there, he would look like nothing had happened.
He took quick steps down the stairs of his loft and made the way to his stove. The casserole was still warm and sweet smelling. He smiled, pulling a lid onto the dish and holding it carefully. He grabbed his keys and phone, moving out the door and shutting it with his foot.
He made his way down the elevator and out of the building. He set the food in the passengers seat and hopped into the driver’s side. He pulled his seatbelt on and flicked down the mirror. His eyes were still a bit red. He carefully wiped them. He could play that off as allergies to the pollen or looking at the sun too long.
He sighed, throwing the mirror back up and putting the jeep into reverse. It would be fine. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t going to swim. He would hang out with his captain, talk to his best friends, and eat a bunch of good food.
It was going to be fun.
Maybe if he told himself that enough then he would start to believe it.
Apparently his little scene in front of his mirror put him fifteen minutes behind when he wanted to get there. It was 6:20 when he finally pulled the jeep into Bobby and Athena’s house. There were already multiple cars in the driveway and lined up against the street, telling Buck that most everybody was already here.
He carefully grabbed the corn casserole from the seat, smiling as he smelled the sweet scent of it. He grabbed the rest of his stuff then knocked on Bobby and Athena’s door. It didn’t take long for the woman herself to open the door.
“Buck!” She greeted happily, pulling him into a side hug. He quickly reciprocated the action, holding Athena close for a moment before stepping back.
“I brought corn casserole!” He said enthusiastically, showing off the dish to her. Athena smiled brightly with a knowing glance.
“Bobby had been telling me about this,” she told him, carefully taking the dish from his hands, “he says you have been stoked about it.” Buck nodded eagerly, following her inside the house. Peering through the glass he could see that most everyone was already outside. Only Karen was inside at the time, seemingly helping Athena with the kitchen. Buck gave her a friendly wave to which she gestured back.
“Everyone is already outside, but I can keep the casserole under the warmer for now,” Athena hummed, waving him outside to join the rest of them.
“Thanks ‘Thena,” He grinned. He slid the glass door open farther and slipped through. Eddie, Maddie, and Chimney were in the pool. Hen had her legs hanging in on one side while Harry, Denny, and May were playing some kind of game on the other. It was peaceful. Buck smiled softly, taking in his surroundings. He wishes this was what his childhood could have been. Warm summer nights surrounded by people that actually cared about and loved him.
“Buck!” The man opened his eyes, seeing Bobby by the grill. Buck waved to the man, but Bobby’s eyebrows quickly furrowed. “I thought you were talking about swimming?” Bobby asked him. Buck internally flinched back. He really hoped that the man wouldn’t mention his text messages about his eagerness to mess around with his teammates. He was about to open his mouth to answer when-
“Yeah Buck, I thought you were super excited?” Eddie piped up from the pool. Buck had to keep himself from outwardly sighing. Way to rub it in Eddie. He kept his inward feelings off of his face and flashed a bright smile towards everyone.
“I got up this morning and wasn’t really feeling it,” He lied, “more hoping I could assist in the grilling?” Bobby’s face went from concerned to soft in moments as he made space.
“Of course,” the man beamed, “I kinda was hoping my assistant chef would be willing to help me today.” Buck grinned, taking his place beside Bobby at the grill. The ribs charring in front of him smelled heavenly. He tried to keep his focus on the food rather than thinking about Eddie and Chimney cackling in the pool behind him. He could hear water splashing and it only taunted him as he imagined how good the cool water would probably feel on his sore bones right now.
Buck watched as Bobby reached out with a pair of tongs and flipped a rib. He then gave Buck the tool and waited for him to do the same. It wasn’t very difficult, but the proud smile Bobby gave him made warmth swirl in his chest.
“So, you were telling me about this casserole?” Bobby prompted.
“Yes!” Buck answered immediately, “it’s like if cornbread and cake had a baby. I got it out of the oven earlier and couldn't stop myself from trying a tiny bit,” Buck rambled at the man, “It was delicious! I’m super excited for you all to try it!” Bobby nodded along as he spoke.
“Sounds delicious,” the man smiled, “I’m looking forward to it.” Buck couldn’t stop himself from pressing closer into Bobby’s space, not exactly touching him, but getting pretty close. If Bobby noticed it, he didn’t call him out on it.
Bobby moved beside him, grabbing the cooked ribs and placing them on the tray before replacing them with a rack of uncooked. Buck observed the new rack.
“Do these come preseasoned?” He asked. Bobby hummed as he threw a second rack onto the grill and closed the top, letting them smoke for a minute.
“Nope, I do it all myself,” the man answered, looking at Buck first, then casting a glance over the whole backyard. Buck nodded.
“You’ll have to teach me sometime,” He grinned cheekily, which resulted in Bobby judging his shoulder gently.
“Yeah yeah, kid,” the older man laughed. Buck sighed. He followed Bobby’s eyes to the scene in front of him. It was peaceful. Everyone looked happy. It was a perfect change of pace from the never-ending pain and suffering they seemed to face on the job. He took a deep breath.
“You have some time to swim if you want to before dinner,” Bobby prompted him gently. Buck internally cursed. Dumb of him to think Bobby would have dropped it that easily earlier. He figured the only thing that would satisfy the man was half of the truth.
“My leg started acting up earlier,” He admitted, “don’t really feel like kicking it around right now.” The second part was a complete lie, but the pain wasn’t. It was pretty common for him to have days where the injury would hurt. His entire leg would cramp and seize up randomly on the bad days, leaving him straining in bed, trying to stretch the joints. It was a real pain for him. One that he had talked to Bobby about before.
The man nodded and Buck felt a slight relief that the man had bought the excuse. He placed a hand on Buck’s shoulder, resting it there gently.
“Thats okay,” he hummed, “you need any pain medicine or anything?” His captain asked him. Buck relaxed into the care. He really could have used this as a kid. He shook his head.
“I took something earlier,” he replied. Bobby hummed in acknowledgment, giving his shoulder a quick squeeze before turning back to the grill.
“Well, these will be ready soon,” Bobby commented, pulling the grill top back open, “if you wanna head inside and grab that casserole, i’ll start getting these clowns out of the pool.” Buck laughed at his captain and gave him a mock salute before heading inside. He could hear Bobby ordering everyone out of the pool and telling them to dry off before they brought the food out. Him and Athena had set up a large pull out table that they were going to serve food off of. It was far too beautiful of a day outside to not take full advantage of it.
Buck opened the glass door and moved towards the countertop. “Bobby says food is ready,” he told Athena and Karen who were chatting quietly.
“Glad to hear it!” Karen laughed, starting to grab dishes to bring outside. Athena did the same thing. Buck dodged around them to his casserole. He peeled the tinfoil that had been keeping it warm off of the top. It smelled so good. He smiled. He was so excited for everyone to try it.
He grabbed the dish and began making his way outside. He could see that everyone was getting out of the pool now and drying off to eat. Buck grinned, he wanted to sit and joke around with his friends and he could do so now that they weren’t all swimming. He made his way down the two steps that connected the back door to the porch.
The final step he made to the concrete sent a sharp wave of pain up his entire leg. Buck gasped, his knee locking up and jerking his entire body. His body was suddenly falling forward and he reached out to catch himself. His hands scraped against rough gravel as he caught himself. Then there was a loud shatter in front of him, causing all conversation to stop and everyone to turn and look at him.
Buck watched his hard work smash all over the floor. Glass shattered everywhere as his casserole splattered against the dirty rocks. His breathing picked up as he watched the mound spread outward across the ground. It was too much. He had wanted to swim so bad and couldn’t because of how atrocious his leg looked. He was so humiliated by the appearance that he would rather not swim at all. Then he had been so damn excited to show off his casserole. He had spent so long today working on it. Now it was all ruined. Completely ruined. The sweet corn was mixed with dirt and glass. Nobody would be able to try any of it.
Buck couldn’t stop the sob that tore from his throat. It was all too much. It was too much. And it was humiliating, crying like this in front of his entire team and their families. He was supposed to be a firefighter and here he was crying over a dropped casserole, but he couldn’t stop. He was choking on his own breathing as he cried. His hands and knees hurt from scraping against the ground. He just wanted to eat the casserole. It was so stupid but he had been so excited.
In the next moment there were hands pulling him up and ushering him back inside. Buck couldn’t focus enough to figure out who it was. He was so upset and just wanted to disappear into the ground and wallow in his own pity and sadness. The arms holding him weren't letting him do so. He was gently pulled back inside and the glass doors were shut behind him. They didn’t stop there. Whoever it was carefully dragged him all the way back towards Bobby and Athena’s room, setting him down on the bed and crouching in front of him.
“In and out, Buck,” the voice soothed, “you got it.” A hand pressed against his heart, tapping in a slow rhythm encouraging Buck to follow along. It took him a moment to get his heart rate back under control. Eventually, he was able to suck a good amount of deep even breaths back into his lungs. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and blinked them rapidly.
His gaze eventually focused on Eddie in front of him. The man’s hands were resting gently on his knees, continuing the gentle rhythm of tapping that had calmed his heart. Buck sucked in another deep breath.
“Sorry,” he muttered, his face flushing. Eddie was instantly shaking his head.
“Don’t be sorry,” the younger man soothed, “you got overwhelmed. It’s okay.” Whoever had allowed Eddie to be able to read him like an open book, Buck needed to have a word with them. It was as much a pain as a relief that the man could tell exactly what he was feeling at all times. Buck sighed, nodded his head to confirm Eddie’s words. “You wanna tell me why?” Eddie gently prompted. Buck knew if he shook his head right now, Eddie wouldn’t pressure him for an answer. That reassurance made him feel safe enough to respond.
“I- I was just really excited about everyone trying the casserole and I worked really hard on it,” Buck whispered, wiping his eyes, “it’s so stupid.” Eddie shook his head again.
“No it’s not,” he assured, “you were excited and then something unfortunate happened. You have every right to be upset, okay?” Buck nodded, wiping his eyes again, trying to dry the remaining tears there. Eddie gave him a good moment to calm down a little more before tapping his knee.
“Can I check your palms and knees?” The younger man asked, “you took a pretty hard fall.” Buck nodded his head, facing his palms towards Eddie. The man already had a first aid kit sitting on the bed next to them. Buck wondered when the man had grabbed it. Probably some time during his crying fit. Eddie carefully patted a white cotton ball with some rubbing alcohol onto the shallow cuts on his palm. The skin had torn from the concrete in a few minor places. Nothing extreme, but it still did sting. Eddie then rolled up his right pant sleeve, gently dapping at the cut there as well. The gravel had been sharp enough to pierce through the fabric.
When Eddie’s hands had switched over to his other leg, Buck flinched, pulling it away from the other man’s reach. Eddie paused, meeting his eyes.
“You okay?” The man asked every so gently and Buck couldn’t lie to those eyes. He shook his head. Eddie didn’t interrupt him, only carefully left room for him to speak. Buck shook his head.
“It’s ugly,” he whispered childishly. It was such a foolish thing to get him so worked up over. He knows that this was what had gotten him so worked up today to begin with. He couldn’t swim because of his hideous looking leg. He didn’t want anyone else to see what that truck had done to him. The scars he would forever carry because of it.
“What’s ugly?” Eddie asked ever so softly and Buck just wished he could crawl into the man's arms again and disappear into them for the rest of his life.
“My leg,” Buck admitted. He wiped his eyes again, praying that he wouldn’t start crying again. Eddie tilted his head. Buck could see the gears turning in his head as he tried to figure out what Buck was talking about. It took a couple seconds for the recognition to flash in those brown eyes.
“From the truck?” Eddie asked. Buck could only nod, biting his lip and hoping the sib wouldn’t spill out. Eddie didn’t respond this time. He pressed his hand to the cuff of Buck’s pant leg, looking up at him for permission. When Buck made no move to stop him, Eddie gently pressed the fabric up, revealing his mauled leg. Buck bit down harder as he stared at the disgusting stretched scar tissue surrounded by a ugly discoloration. He waited for Eddie to move back or the flash of hesitation in his eyes, but it never came.
He slowly grabbed a new cotton ball, wetting it with alcohol, and then gently pressed it to the shallow cuts on his knee from the fall. Buck was frozen as he did so. He dapped it gently for a moment, then discarded the cotton ball into the pile of other used ones on the bedside. Buck expected the man to pull back and tell him he was crazy, but Eddie didn’t do that. Instead he leaned forward.
Buck’s breath hitched as Eddie pressed his lips to the outside of his thigh, right over a stretch of scar. He kissed the skin lightly at first, then pressed his tongue against the tissue, gentle as ever. He kept pressing slow careful kisses down Buck’s skin, not once flinching away from the injury. When he finally reached Buck’s calf, he sucked gently on the last one before pulling away and looking at Buck.
The older man was frozen. His cheeks were flushed a brilliant pink and his heart was fluttering in his chest. “It’s beautiful,” Eddie hummed, slowly closing the space between them, “Everything about you is perfect.” The next moment Eddie’s lips were on his own. Buck hummed into the kiss. It was gentle and sent sparks through Buck’s entire body. Eddie cupped his jaw, rubbing his thumb carefully against his cheek. After a moment, they pulled back. Buck sat there, panting and staring at the most beautiful man he had ever laid eyes on.
The man who had just kissed him.
“You okay?” Eddie checked in. Buck nodded, cheeks flushing red.
“Yes-,” He stuttered, “more than okay.” Eddie smiled at him, a slight chuckle falling from his lips that sounded like angels singing to Buck’s ears.
“Good,” Eddie hummed, tucking a stray curl out of Buck’s eyes and behind his ears, “because I think Bobby was asking for you in the kitchen.” Buck nodded. He started standing up. He needed to make sure he didn’t look an absolute mess before facing their family. Eddie pulled him back down. Buck stared at him.
“I love you, Buck.” He whispered. Buck smiled so wide, his entire face softening into lovesick mush. He pulled Eddie in for another quick peck.
“I love you too.”
When Buck had finally considered himself presentable enough to head back out into Bobby and Athena’s kitchen, he had expected everyone to be in there, waiting for an explanation about his behavior. Instead, he was met with an empty kitchen. Nobody was staring him down pressuring him for answers. He distantly could see people sitting around and chatting outside. There was a clank of a bowl on the kitchen counter and Buck turned to see Bobby looking at him expectantly. Buck tilted his head and Bobby huffed.
“This casserole ain’t gonna make itself!” Bobby insisted at the same time Eddie pushed his back and ushered him towards the man, “I told everyone ‘no eating until this thing is in the oven.’ So let’s get to it!” Buck looked over the counter and saw the arrangement of ingredients that it took to make the dish. It was clear Bobby had looked at the recipe he had sent to him. Buck couldn’t help the smile that stretched across his lips. He wiped his eyes from the tears threatening to fall. They weren’t sad anymore, just happy.
He walked up beside Bobby and the man immediately began reading instructions off of his phone to Buck. It was a pretty easy process considering Buck had already done it once already today. The combination of him and Bobby’s ability to work off each other had them done in record time. Buck grabbed the heat protective gloves and gently pushed the dish into the oven. Bobby set a timer on his phone and sighed.
“Job well done, I’d say,” his captain hummed, placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder and squeezing softly. Buck nodded, pressing into his touch. Bobby sighed, looking down at him. “You okay, kid?” Buck nodded.
“Yeah. I am now,” he answered honestly, “Thanks Cap.” Bobby squeezed his shoulder.
“Anytime, kiddo,” he replied. There was silence for a moment before Buck’s eyes fell onto Eddie. The man hadn’t left the room. He was sitting at the kitchen table just watching Buck and Bobby dance around the kitchen in perfect sync. They made eye contact and Eddie smiled so softly. Bobby cleared his throat.
“So, Eddie…” the captain started, “did you finally tell him?” Eddie laughed, his cheeks tainting bright red.
“Yes,” the man huffed, “I told him.”
“Cheers to that!” They all jumped at the yell, whipping around to see their entire team eavesdropping from the doorway. Eddie groaned, hiding his burning face in his palms. Buck and Bobby could only laugh as Chimney started clinking glasses with others.
Buck took a deep breath. He looked at his friends laughing in the doorway, he felt Bobby’s warmth still pressed protectively beside him, and he looked at Eddie. The most perfect man he bad ever laid eyes on.
They would be okay.
He would be okay.