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Father Fujimoto was always going to die. Yukio has known this since he was a very young boy. It has been a fact of his life for a long time and he came to accept it a long time ago. Or, he thought he did. He thought that he would be ready for it, whenever it happened, especially with how he’s starting school and won’t even be at home. It won’t matter if his father is dead because he wouldn’t see him anyway once he goes to True Cross and becomes a proper Exorcist.
But then Father Fujimoto does die, and it’s the worst thing Yukio has ever felt. The day he hears about it, he collapses into bed and doesn’t get back up. He feels sick down in his stomach, and his appetite is gone. It’s physical, the pain of it. Grief ties him down. He’s thankful that he and Rin no longer share a room because he wouldn’t be able to face his brother after this.
He misses his dad, and even more than that, he feels aimless. He hadn’t realized how much of what he did was reliant on the guidance of his father, and without it, what to do on a day-to-day basis is unclear.
It doesn’t take long for Mephisto to step in and take his place, though. He directs Yukio far more harshly than his father ever did. He commands him down to his words, policing everything he speaks, what he teaches. There’s a part of it that’s comforting, familiar, until it becomes more sinister and nearly gets Rin killed. He doesn’t like that at all, and it starts to scare him.
Shura makes a reappearance, which Yukio cannot find it in himself to be happy about. The girl has always made it abundantly clear that she does not like him, thinks herself better than him, and was always jealous of his relationship with his father. She likes Rin though, which Yukio wishes he were not bothered by.
Then they meet Todo, and Yukio finds himself against a tree, about to be killed, and his eye lights up. Then there’s Lucifer, cornering him and telling him he’s welcome to join the Illuminati. He doesn’t think he will, but something in him snaps after all that.
Everything has piled up and he’s so tired and he can’t do it anymore and he needs to be in control of something. He needs something that’s just his that he has the reins for. Something Mephisto doesn’t know or have any influence over.
So he sneaks off one night to some building he knows is abandoned. His first attempt fails because he does not have the willpower to drown himself.
Jumping off the roof, however, is something he cannot chicken out of once he’s done it. He stands there for a while, though, just on the edge, his arms bent backwards to hold on. The air is cold on his face. It makes his eyes water sharply.
He swallows against the fear of falling because he is still in control. His hands are the only thing keeping him up and if he wants to let go it’s because of him and not someone telling him what to do. He needs answers, and he isn’t going to find them any other way, clearly, since every test the Order has done has been clean.
Yukio lets go. In the moment, doing something irreversible, something he can’t change his mind on, had seemed like the obvious choice, but as the snowy ground rushes towards him he can’t help but think that may not have been the right one. It very much looks like he is about to die and there’s nothing he can even summon to stop it.
He thinks, more frightened than he has ever been; “I don’t want to die!” and blacks out just before hitting the ground.
For a moment he thinks he is dead, when he opens his eyes to a blank white expanse. Then he thinks he is staring at the snow he’d fallen to, and then he sees Father Fujimoto standing in front of him and realizes he has no idea where he is.
“Dad,” he croaks. It doesn’t feel like it matters anymore. The eye, the near suicide, everything that Todo and Lucifer said to him. None of it is important when his dad is right in front of him. Father Fujimoto doesn’t look happy to see him, though. If anything he looks angry. Maybe a little sad. “Dad?”
“What did you do?” Fujimoto asks, harshly. Yukio pushes himself to his feet and stumbles forward.
“I just- I needed to know what was happening to me,” Yukio explains, shakily. To his own ears it now sounds stupid.
“And so you chose to jump off a building?” his father near-shouts. Yukio feels cowed. He’s not used to being yelled at. Even during training his father has never been so upset with him.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” Yukio whimpers. “I couldn’t go to- to Mephisto about it or- Shura-”
“You can always go to Shura,” Fujimoto corrects. “I told her to look out for you and she said she would. I know you haven’t always gotten along-”
“I didn’t know what to do!” Yukio insists, fighting tears. “I didn’t want to die, I just- I just can’t trust anyone else. They’re all- I don’t know, I just wish you were still here!” He finally sobs, wiping at his eyes with his palms. A moment later he feels arms around him as his father embraces him.
“I’m sorry, Yukio,” he murmurs into Yukio’s hair. “I promise you, Shura will help, but I understand your reservations. I don’t know what’s happening to you, I wish I did, but I don’t believe this is the answer.” Yukio doesn’t know if he believes him, but he nods anyway. “Promise me you won’t get yourself hurt?”
“Yeah,” Yukio rasps. Father Fujimoto takes his shoulders and steps back, smiling.
“I know you won’t stop,” he says. “You were never the type to give up. Just be careful.” Yukio nods, though they both know that too is a lie. “I love you, Yukio. You’re doing great, you just need to trust people more. Ask for help once in a while.” Yukio is given no chance to lie this time, because in the span of a blink he wakes up in a crater at the bottom of a building.
He’d been saved. Just knowing that much was worth the fall, worth the chance he may have never stood back up. Whatever’s in his eye has done its magic again and kept him alive, but he still doesn’t know anything about it. He takes the gun out of his holster, looks at it for just a moment, and holds it to his head.
The barrel is cold against his temple and his hand trembles. He’s a little scared to do something like this after just promising his dad he wouldn’t, but he doesn’t have to make that choice. His phone rings out, loud and demanding, and he lowers the gun.
That isn’t the last time he pulls a gun against himself. The next time, though, he cannot lie to himself and say it’s for research purposes. No, this time he’s hoping he won’t wake back up.
He’s tired, and there’s nothing left for him. He’s just burnt his final bridge with Shiemi, as once she returns to his brother and tells him what Yukio did to her, surely around the same time as Suguro does, they will be finished with him.
His own issues have started to leak out and infect those around him and he can’t allow it to go on anymore. He doesn’t think he can bring himself to go on anymore, anyway.
So he pulls the trigger. This time there is no fear, there is no hesitation at all. He just wants it to be over.
But, because whatever being out there that bestows luck has never liked him, the world alights in blue, and Yukio does not die.