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It hurt. But of course it fucking hurt. That was the whole point of him pressing the heated edge of the scissor’s blade to the pale skin of his thighs, watching red welts form. The first few times were difficult, his body instinctively flinching away from the searing heat. Now he found himself pressing it against his skin longer and letting larger marks appear.
The worst of the marks would peel and occasionally crack and begin to bleed. Not enough blood for it to be noticeable to anyone around him but enough for him to feel a sick satisfaction that urged him to press harder and pray for deeper burns.
Kei knew most people hated him for his awful attitude and that he should just stop, but he’s been this way for so long that he doesn’t know who he is anymore. He wants to find the emotions hidden beneath his skin so he burns and burns and burns until he’s left feeling slightly lighter than before. More alert.
Burning was the best solution because cuts that bleed were too obvious and the burns continued to throb days after the first contact of metal on skin. Every time his clothes rubbed against the burns he felt aftershocks of pain that he knew he deserved.
The first couple of times he had burned his inner forearm but the marks could be seen too easily if it wasn’t winter and he didn’t need any questions before they faded into white scars that could barely be seen.
As he lifted away the scissors he could feel the pain spreading beneath his skin, making him clench his jaw to keep silent. If Akiteru found out he’d probably blame himself which is stupid. This was just a compulsion, much like his need to press on bruises. Something Kei did to validate his own self-hatred. A throbbing reminder that he would never be good enough and most people who met him would agree.
This would be his last chance to give into the nagging feelings before the training camp. He’d probably have no time or privacy their but planned on packing his scissors and lighter on the off chance that he did have the opportunity or urge.
He was glad for his foresight because Kuroo fucking Tetsurou just had to remind him of how inferior he is, as he went from the third gym to grab his supplies and then find an empty bathroom.
He wanted to leave burns on his arms so badly. Place them so every block would come with a painful reminder. But that we would be stupid and obvious so he settled with burning his thighs once more.
The marks this time were worse than the last. The pain was all he could think about as his hands trembled, resisting the urge to run to the showers. His logic was screaming for him to soothe the burns but he would let them bloom dark red like they always did.
A loud knock on his stall door startled him from his thoughts as he dropped the scissors he was heating onto his arm. The garish red appeared in an instant as he swore. “What do you want?” he hissed at the intruder as he held his arm and hoped the mark wouldn’t stay visible long.
“It’s Kuroo, I wanted to apologize.” he answered sheepishly.
“Congratulations. Now go away.”
“Don’t be like that Tsukki. At least come out and let me apologize properly.”
“Fine.” Kei relented as he shoved the items in his pocket and cracked open the stall door.
“I know you’re not very social but this seems a bit ridiculous. Anyways, I didn’t mean to upset you with what I said. I just want to see you put more effort into playing, ya know?”
“Well it’s not your problem.”
“Aw c’mon Tsukki,” Kuroo insisted with that infuriating grin of his, “there’s no fun in beating a rival that’s not at the top of their game.”
“Learn to live with disappointment.” Kei huffed, pushing past Kuroo as he walked towards the sink.
He looked awful, and even though his teammates were all too oblivious to ever notice how on edge he seemed, Kuroo was smarter than that. Kei could see his brow furrowing in concern and resisted the urge to retch. He didn’t deserve such kind eyes. Kuroo didn’t know what kind of person he was.
Kuroo was the opposite of him in every way and served as a reminder of his ineptitude. Kuroo was warm and tan where Kei was cold and pale, charismatic instead of loathed. His presence was enough to make Kei feel resentment curl into his veins.
“Goodbye.” Kei mumbled as he walked back to Karasuno’s sleeping area. He wouldn’t concern himself with dinner as that would just be more forced interaction. Instead he surrendered himself to sleep.
Most nights Kei didn’t dream but that night he dreamt of warmth and broad smiles.
Back in Miyagi everything was the same as it had been before. He fell back into his usual habits but felt as if everything would be shattered by a single text message.
“Hey tsukki! I didn’t get to ask you for your phone number so I got it from Kenma who got it from Shorty who got it from Freckles and so on. I wouldn’t be a good senpai if I didn’t check up on your progress after all :3c”
Under normal circumstances Kei would be furious and plotting murder but he hadn’t been feeling much of anything lately. Instead he pushed at his eyes with the heels of his palms, feeling barely-there tears bead up from the pressure.
Any effort didn’t feel worth the energy so he sent a simple “ok” before cocooning himself further into his blankets. The world was too harsh. Outside of his bed it was cold and his glasses lent a sharpness to everything that was almost dangerous. He felt moderately safe within the confines of his room.
He could hope that if he told his mom and Akiteru that he was sick they would let him stay home for a day or two. His phone was vibrating but Kuroo could wait. Everything could wait.
Kei wanted to return to blissful unconsciousness. Maybe he could be comatose and not have to worry about anything.
Eventually the days bled together until his tedium was rudely interrupted by the worst laugh he had ever heard in his life. It sounded like an 80 year old who had smoking for 79 years of his life was finally choking to death on his tar lungs.
“I hope that old guy dies soon and puts us out of our misery.” Kei called out to his brother as he took off his shoes at the entrance.
“That’s rude Tsukki!” and of course it was Kuroo. He had a knack for ruining peace and now he was back like an incurable pestilence.
“Not as rude as showing up to someone’s home unannounced.” Kei let himself run on autopilot as the newest mark throbbed painfully. It had cracked and bled earlier so the scab was sensitive and he needed to make sure there wasn’t any blood on his uniform.
Kuroo didn’t rise to his bait. Instead his brow furrowed as he walked closer to Kei and inspected him. “You’ve lost weight Tsukki. If that’s even possible.”
Kuroo’s broad hands were now grasping at his wrists, making him flinch and wish he hadn’t been stupid enough to make marks in such obvious spots again. “You need to eat better. Especially with the amount of exercise you do in a day!”
His voice was too serious and his eyes too piercing for Kei’s liking as he tried to free himself without aggravating the burnt skin. “It doesn’t matter. I have homework to do now.”
“Well I’m gonna make sure you eat plenty today!”
Oblivious to his inner turmoil, Kei’s mother smiled at them “The two of you can settle down in Kei’s room while I make dinner then.
Which is why Kei was now stuck at his desk while Kuroo lounged on his bed while texting someone. Kei was too exhausted to deal with the bullshit reality in front of him quite frankly and walked over to his bed with a grunt, “Move.”
As soon as enough room was freed by Kuroo looking up at him in shock, Kei flopped onto his bed. His glasses pushing up through his hair as he attempted to smother himself with his pillow.
“Tsukki?” Kuroo’s voice was quiet, as if he was afraid of breaking something.
“You should stop.” Kei mumbled, turning his head slightly so his words weren’t lost in the pillow, “Caring about me like this isn’t going to matter.”
“Of course it does. I know something is wrong but that’s why you need people around you.” Kei could feel Kuroo tugging him into an embrace but didn’t bother resisting. “You can’t just ignore it. People do care. I care.”
“Well you shouldn’t. It doesn’t make sense.” Kei insisted, frowning as he finally lifted his head to look at Kuroo and his stupid smug face.
Except Kuroo didn’t look smug at all. He looked worried as he sighed. “You can be so stupid for someone so smart. Just because you don’t like yourself doesn’t mean you don’t mean the world to other people.”
Kei searched his face for answers as Kuroo smiled softly and took his hands gently, rubbing circles into his knuckles. “You may think you’re subtle but everyone’s worried. Please don’t hurt yourself.”
“Kuroo-san,” Kei could feel his throat go dry as emotion welled up in him. He sobbed hard while gripping at Kuroo’s hands as if they were his anchor. It was disgusting and he could feel his eyes getting puffy while mucus ran over his lips.
It wasn’t the first time he had cried when he fell into the harshness of his own mind, but it was the first time he had cried so hard.
Despite how gross he was, Kuroo rubbed the tears away with his thumbs. His fingers rubbing soothingly at Kei’s cheeks while he also wiped the mucus away with tissues and mumbled words that Kei could hardly distinguish.
It hurt but maybe that was okay. It was the type of hurt that came with the relaxation of muscles after intense exercise. Kuroo was like the warmth of the sun after so many cold nights and maybe Kei would be okay.