Chapter Text
Say hello to all my little nightmares
They're right here
I know them well
History repeats itself in phrases
Scribbled in dark places
Like notches on a belt
(They're chasing after you, bro)
I'm chasing after rock and roll
Kicking and screaming
Remus frowns, as his friends and he stand, getting ready to file off the train. Sirius has been quiet since the night before, well, quiet for Sirius, and Remus knows James and Peter have noticed, too. They’ve all been sharing worried looks when Sirius was turned the other way.
Remus wishes there was something he could do to help, but he knows that anything he does now will just make everything worse for Sirius in the long run. He knows Sirius won’t talk to him, at least not with everyone else around.
“We’ll write over Holiday, right?” Peter asks, nervously playing with his shirt.
“Of course, mate. As often as we can.” Sirius says, messing up Peter’s hair.
“Perhaps I can even convince my mum to allow you all to stay at my house sometime.” James says, taking Peter’s trunk down.
“Sounds like fun.” Bellatrix says, peaking her head in, and cooing mockingly. “Too bad little baby Sirius is going to be in deep, deep trouble, I hear.”
“What do you mean?” Sirius asks, feeling ill at the prospect of going home, and his parents already being angry. But, being angry just means they care… Right?
“Oh, well, Lucius told Narcissa and I that after all your little pranks over the school year, your mummy and daddy are quite cross.” She tuts in mock-concern. “I doubt you’ll be doing much visiting.” She cackles, and lets the door slide shut.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine, mate…” James says after a minute, hand comfortingly on Sirius’ shoulder.
“Y-yeah, Bellatrix is always making up lies to try and trick us. Well, just last month she told me Professor Slughorn needed me in the dungeons, and I missed Charms class.” Peter says, trying to soothe Sirius’ worries.
“I’m fine.” Sirius says, a little cold, already shutting down. He does this when he doesn’t want to feel, he just replays all his best memories.
“Okay, okay.” James says, raising his hands in surrender.
“Let’s just go, before the train leaves with us on it…” Remus says, grabbing his trunk. He doesn’t know what’s going on, but he knows from experience that the worst thing a person can do is pry when you aren’t ready.
The other three nod, and grab their trunks. The outside corridor is mostly empty, seeing as a majority of the students have left already. They pass Bellatrix, and she mimes crying, and James flips her off, and puts his arm around Sirius’ shoulder.
Outside on the platform, many people are standing around, making conversation, or waiting for their children.
“Oh, there are my parents. I’ll write to your lot soon!” Peter says, quickly hugging them, and heading off to a middle-aged couple, who smile, and greet him warmly with hugs, and kisses. Sirius tells himself that his parents have a different way of showing their affection, who cares if he hasn’t been hugged by anyone but his uncle, Andromeda, and Regulus? It doesn’t matter. Not every family is the same. Though, it’s getting harder and harder to reassure himself when everywhere he looks children are being embraced by their family. He stiffens when he catches sight of Regulus and his mum.
“Oh, there are my parents! I’ll write loads, and loads! Have a good holiday you two!” He says, giving each of them a quick, tight hug, and running off to his own parents. Sirius looks away before he could see anything, because if he didn’t, he fears he might cry. And Blacks do not cry.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Siri?” Remus whispers.
“Quite sure, thank you.” Sirius says, tightly.
Remus sighs, and nods. “Alright. Well, I see my parents. I’ll write as soon as I get home… You don’t have to be entirely alone this Summer.” And before he could stop himself, Remus quickly hugs Sirius, and whispers “We all love you Sirius.” And runs off to his parents.
Sirius stands there, a little shocked, and lightly blushing. Sure, he’s used to James’ hugs, and even Peter’s… But Remus, he’s a little more reserved with his affection. You know you’re special when he comforts you physically…
Sirius shakes his head, and swallows thickly, before marching off, head held high, over to his mum and brother.
“Come, don’t dawdle, we haven’t got all day.” She says, voice as cold and distant as ever.
Sirius nods, and Kreacher, their house elf, takes his trunk, and pops home with it, before Sirius could protest. He doesn’t want Kreacher to get his nasty, cold hands on his things. His Hogwarts possessions are the dearest things he owns. He doesn’t want the house elf, who practically worships the ground his mum treads on, to go snooping through his things.
“Come on, Sirius, close your mouth, too.” She says, digging her perfectly manicured, pointed finger nails into his shoulder. His t-shirt stands no chance against the sharp points, and they dig painfully into his skin, opening the old wounds on his shoulder, from her breaking the skin way too many times for him to remember.
He winces, but quickly covers it up, and calmly as he can, he walks to the car that will take them home. He ignores Regulus, who keeps trying to get his attention, and luckily, his mum makes no move to try to talk to him. Though, he’s sure once he gets home he’ll have a repeat of Easter…
He feels his heart rate pick up, and his palms become clammy, and cold, and he’s having trouble breathing. He isn’t sure what’s happening, and it is scaring him. He tries to focus on the world passing them by, until they pull up in front of his house.
“You’ll go up and stay in your room until your father is home.” His mum tells him.
He nods, and walks inside, and up the stairs. He isn’t sure what he’s feeling… Relieved that he has time to ready himself for when his father comes home? Scared for the moment when he actually does? And what is this sick feeling in his stomach?
He throws the top of his trunk open, and rifles through his possessions, trying to make sure everything is still there. Satisfied, he closes it again, and grabs some clothes to change. Maybe if he looks more presentable, dinner tonight won’t be as hard.
---------
Remus was happy to be home, he feels the wolf in him calm down reasonably, as he takes everything in. The sweet smell of hay from a nearby farm, the cool grass under his bare feet, the old tire swing in his backyard, and, he dreads looking at it, the old cellar, next to the back of the house.
He ignores it, in favor of crossing the yard to the tire swing he spent so much of his childhood on. The late spring sunshine against his face warms him, as he leans his head back, staring up at the sky.
What will he do for the next three months? He knows that his chances of visiting anyone are very slim, unless he’s invited when the full moon is still far off, and even then, his parents are very protective, and would likely say no, seeing as anything could happen.
But the idea of spending the next three months alone with only his parents for company is very sad, especially since he had just gotten used to talking to his friends every day, he doesn’t want to go back to being on his own once more…
He’ll write them often, and he’ll count down the days until he has to get his school supplies from Diagon Alley, and they can all meet up there.
“Remus! I must be off!” Hope calls from the door. “If you get lonely, your grandparents say they would love to have you over!”
“Alright mum!” Remus calls.
“Okay. Don’t forget to have lunch!” She says, and heads for her car. She had hoped she could take the day off, but she had a shipment of books she really needed to unpack.
He supposes he’ll be spending most of the Summer alone, again… That’s fine, he’ll read loads, perhaps come up with some pranks, here and there. Remus sighs, and grabs his bock bag from the ground, and takes out his favorite book: Treasure Island. Remus smiles, as he sinks into the story, for what must be the hundredth time, really.
-------------
Sirius sits at his desk, hands slightly shaking. He clenches them as he hears his father arrive by floo. He stands solemnly, knowing it’s better to go on choice, than to be called down.
He passes many pictures with his ancestors in them, and ignores their disapproving glances, and mean whispers, his head held high. Who needs their approval? They’ve been dead for years, who cares what they think?
He stops at the door to his father’s study. Inside, he can hear the voices of his mother and his father, whispering quietly, about him, no doubt… He brings his hand up, and it hovers over the door for a few minutes. “Just knock, stupid.” He murmurs to himself, and takes a deep, calming breath, and brings his hand down twice, and waits, with baited breath.
“Enter.” His father calls.
Sirius opens the door, and walks in, trying to hide that his legs were shaking. He stands in the doorway.
“Ah, Sirius. Leave us, Walburga, I need to have this conversation with him. Alone.”
His mother nods, and closes the door behind her, but not before she gives him a cold glare. The echoing sound of wood on wood sounds like a death sentence to Sirius, and he shakily makes his way over to one of the chairs in the room, and pulls it over to his father’s desk.
This room doesn’t have many good memories for him. Most, he can remember, were made because he misbehaved so badly that his mother didn’t want to deal with him anymore, and sent him to his father for worse punishment. There were a few good ones, before he started to disagree with his parents so much, where his father would sit him in a chair of his own, and tell him that when he was the head of his house, when he grew up, he’d have this very study for himself. That always used to appeal to him, but now it just made him feel nauseas.
“I don’t see why you must keep embarrassing us. Betraying the House of Black and getting sorted into Gryffindor is one thing, but constantly pulling these foolish pranks? Having Dumbledore write to us almost weekly about your misbehavior? Honestly Sirius, haven’t we given you everything you have ever wanted? Haven’t we provided for you? Made sure you never went without the best of everything?” Silence. “Answer me!”
“Y-Yes, father…” Sirius jumps.
“Then why? Are you just that ungrateful? Should we show you the life that we could be giving you? Shall I take away your spending money, and all the other things we’ve given you, this summer? Show you how the other side lives? Make you truly miserable?”
Sirius didn’t know how to answer. He wasn’t ungrateful, he just wanted a bit of fun at school, he didn’t mean for it to get him in trouble.
“Answer me!” His father yelled.
“I-I” Sirius stuttered, shrinking back in himself.
“Very well, if you decide to act like an ungrateful brat, we’ll treat you like one. Kreacher!” His father shouted. “Take Sirius up to his room, and see to it that he doesn’t leave until I’ve decided on a proper punishment.”
“Of course, Master Black.” The house elf croaked, and looked all too pleased to be given this specific task. He grabs Sirius tightly around his arm, and apparates them back to his room.
Sirius sits there feeling numb. Should he feel thankful that he wasn’t hit, or given a painful hex? Is that normal?
--------------
James was very excited to be home. One, he could ride his broomstick, and not have Filch yell at him for an hour, and a weeks-worth of detention -Filch better be ready for when he comes back, he can’t yell at him this time!- two, he could sleep in as late as he wanted to, and three, he had loads of time to do with as he pleases. Though, that luxury was soon gone after only three days, and James began to get bored.
He's taken to spending his time researching about werewolves, when he isn’t spending his time practicing Quidditch. He’s determined on getting drafted for the team.
He’s once again dried up all his research materials, and he’s tempted to ask his father about them… Perhaps he could phrase it as a question for school…
“Hey dad?” James asks, sitting next to his father, who had hair and glasses much like his son’s.
“Yes, James?” He asks, setting the daily profit down on the table. His mum left early this morning to run some errands, and he decided this was the perfect time to ask his questions, without fear that she would say he was too young to know.
“Hypothetically speaking, how could you know someone was a werewolf without asking?” He asks, fidgeting with his shirt sleeve. He really wanted to know, he’d been researching for months, all the while, Remus could have been going through agonizing transformations every month, and who knows what else in between.
“Why do you want to know that?” His father asks, curiously.
“For school purposes! We had a few lessons about them in DADA, I just got curious.” James says, hoping his dad can’t see through the lie.
“Well,” his dad starts, rubbing a hand over his eyes, before putting his glasses back on. “I guess it would depend… You could watch the person, keep an eye on them every month, catalogue their body language the weeks before, and the days after the full moon, watch them, see if they have new scars, if they’re exhausted more often, if they look ill, if they’re in pain, all that.”
“Yeah, but even then, you couldn’t be sure, really, could you? Those could all be factors of something else, couldn’t they?” James asks, leaning forward.
“James, are you sure this is for school? You don’t need to know all of this until at least your fifth year…”
His father is suspicious. He needs to ask the next few questions very carefully. “It is! For school, that is… But just… How could you know?”
His father sighs. “You’d just have to ask, really. You can never be sure until you do.”
James sighs, too, and nods. He was afraid his dad would say that…
“James? Is there something you want to tell me?”
James’ head shoots up, “What? No, no of course not! I have to go now, I need to practice if I want to be good enough to be o the Quidditch team!” He says, and grabs his broom from where it is, propped up against the side of the kitchen door, and bolts outside into the pleasant summer air.
------
Peter was having a pleasant enough Summer. He spent most of it so far babysitting his many cousins, or writing to his friends, and waiting for them to reply. His older cousins still didn’t believe he was friends with a Potter or a Black, even after he showed them his letters, so he’d get a picture with them when Second Year began! It’ll show them!
His mum wanted him to volunteer down at the library where his aunt worked, and he is starting to think it’s because she wants him to do something “productive” this Summer. He wishes he could have a moment to himself! It was July, and he’d already spent June, and the majority of this month watching his many, many cousins… He was so thankful to be an only child.
“Peter! We’re going to be late!” She shouts up the stairs.
“Coming mum!” Peter shouts back, putting the finishing touches on his letter to James. He ties it to his owl’s leg, and sends him through the window, before grabbing his backpack, and trudging down the stairs. He really hopes his entire summer isn’t the same thing.
------
Remus’ first transformation went better than any had since probably Summer of last year. His wolf was happy to be back in his territory, and he was relaxed, and mostly well rested. It would be ideal… If only he wasn’t so lonely. Most days, when he wasn’t helping in his mum’s bookshop, he was reading at home by himself, or helping his grandmother in her garden. And it wasn’t that he didn’t love his parents and grandparents… He just missed having friends his age.
He still wrote to them at least once a week, and James wanted them to visit in the last week of August, which, with Remus’ luck, just so happened to fall in the week of the full moon… He wrote, and apologized, saying he was too busy the entire Summer, but he was free to go to Diagone Alley with them.
He wished he could just tell them… All this lying was exhausting, and maybe if he could, they could come visit him, and then he wouldn’t be as lonely as he is. He knows he’s feeling sorry for himself, but it’s not like he has much else to do.
He was helping his mum out in her bookshop one afternoon, when the bell on the door rings, signaling that someone had come in. Remus and his mum turn, and welcome the one-person Remus had hoped would never come into this shop. Severus Snape, and who he supposed was his mother.
“Hello! Welcome to the bookshelf, can I help you find anything today?” His mum chimes.
“Oh, no…” Mrs. Snape says quietly, while Severus looks from Remus to his mum, making the connection, and then smirking to himself.
The two of them wander into the shelves to browse. “Remus, could you stock these for me, please?” His mum asks, pushing a cart over to him, with a load of books that came in this morning.
“Yeah,” He said, taking hold of it, ignoring the pain in his ribs, and going deeper into the stacks, hoping Snape and his mum would leave before he came out. Fate was unkind to him, though.
“I thought your mum would look worse, seeing as you leave to visit her once a month… But she looks quite lively, indeed… In fact, she looks far healthier than you do… Are you sure you’re not the sick one?” Snape asks, leaning against the shelves.
“I-I’m getting over a cold…” Remus says quietly, still focused on shelving the books.
“I’m sure.” He says, smirk growing.
“Can I help you find anything? Or are you just here to harass me?” Remus asks, spinning around to face him.
They both hear Severus’ name being called. “No, I’m leaving, actually. The moon full moon was very beautiful last night.” He says, spinning on his heal.
Remus lets out a breath, and leans against the shelf in front of him.
“Remus? Are you okay, sweetheart?” His mum asks, coming up to stand next to him. He just nods his head. “Remus, what is it? Are you feeling faint? I told you you shouldn’t be up so soon, especially seeing as last night was the full moon.” She whispers.
Remus shakes his head, lifting it and looking at his mum. “It was nothing… Just someone from Hogwarts…”
“Oh… Sweetheart, he doesn’t bully you, does he? Because we can tell Dumbledore, and he can surely do something.”
“No, it’s fine mum, really.”
She nods, though Remus is sure she doesn’t buy his lie.
--------
The first few weeks of Summer were Hell for Sirius. His meals were restricted, and he was given chicken broth, bread and water, while his family had roast, or turkey, or whatever other fine meal they decided to flaunt, until they worked him to submission. He wasn’t allowed to leave the house the first month, either, unless it was in the backyard, accompanied by Kreacher. The start of July, when his behavior had satisfied his parents, they let up a little.
The moment Sirius got the letter from James, asking if he could come over for the last two weeks of August, he knew he’d have to seriously suck up to his parents, make them believe he was sorry for the pranks, if he were to even begin to think he could go. So, he stopped teasing Regulus, he stopped throwing peas at the paintings of his ancestors, or antagonizing the children of his mother’s friends, and be the perfect heir of the Black House his parents wanted. And if it didn’t work, he’d up his game, and pester them until they practically threw him at the Potters, whichever worked.
Luckily, it didn’t have to come to the latter, and he was slightly thankful, because he could save some of the ideas for Christmas Holidays, to really get back at them. He was really looking forward to going to the Potter’s, he was tired of the dull, bleakness of his house, and the constant badgering of his parents to be better, to sit up straight, to not talk with his mouth full, or leave his laundry on the floor. Or Regulus’ glares, and the silent treatment he’s dead set on giving Sirius.
Sirius had hoped Regulus would be excited about his First Year at Hogwarts, and be bugging Sirius with so many questions until his head hurt, and he’d shout at his little brother to leave him alone… But he’d got the opposite, and he couldn’t believe he was upset about it… He wishes he could have that bond with Regulus, he wishes he would ask him all about his own first year, and he could tell Regulus about the dormitory he has in Gryffindor, or about the classes, and how fun Magic was, or about watching the Quidditch games, or the lazy weekends he and his friends spent coming up with pranks… But Regulus didn’t ask, and Sirius knew, even if he had, Regulus wouldn’t have approved of the responses Sirius gave.
“Mother?” Sirius starts. It’s the third of August, and he knows he couldn’t wait any longer to ask. “Could I spend the last two weeks of August at the Potter’s?” He keeps his back straight, and head held high. His mother always hated how meek he got when he was frightened.
“The Potter’s? Is this why you’ve been acting so well recently? Well, I suppose you could have chosen a lesser family to associate yourself with… If you don’t disrupt my tea this afternoon, then fine. I could use a few weeks quiet.”
He tries to tell himself the last part doesn’t hurt, and he even convinces himself later that it’s okay, because he’ll see his friends soon! He’ll see James, and Peter, and Remus, well, they’ll see Remus when they get their things from Diagone Alley… But he cannot wait.
He smiles and thanks her, before rushing to his room to make himself presentable. He could tolerate an afternoon with Lucius Malfoy’s ugly face, as long as he could spend time with his friends soon.
--
He spoke too soon. It seems that Lucius was aware that he couldn’t act up, and was upping the level of annoying him, of trying to get a rise out of him.
“So, Sirius…” He says, leaning back in his chair. “How does it feel to know you and I will be family after this Summer?”
“What?” He asks, dumbfounded. Did he miss something?
“Oh, but didn’t you know? Your cousin, Narcissa, will be marrying me this Winter.” He practically flaunts it.
“B-But she’s still at Hogwarts…” Sirius protests. He looks over to where she sits, lithe, and petite, golden hair shining. She looks away, a blush dusting her cheeks.
“That’s why I said this Winter, over Christmas Holidays, and we’ll be expecting you there, too.” Lucius laughs.
Sirius just glowers. If Narcissa wishes to marry that stuck-up pig, that was her business, but why suck him into it? Why must he attend, when he couldn’t even go to Andromeda’s? He would never forgive himself for missing it… At least his uncle Alphard went… At least she had some kind of family there for her…
He spent the rest of the afternoon in that position. He feared if he moved, he’d snap. Regulus seemed like he wished he were somewhere else, too, his eyebrows pinched, and mouth tight in a fake smile. Sirius wished he was allowed to take Regulus aside like he used to, and they’d go hide in another room, and whisper, and make fun of their family, or the guests who took themselves too seriously.
But Regulus only exchanges small talk with him anymore, and Sirius is too prideful for ignoring his apologies over Easter… He wishes he could take it all back… But, what’s done is done, and he’ll be gone soon.
Sirius knows his family is messed up, seeing as they marry cousins, he just didn’t expect them to marry off Narcissa so young… She’s only sixteen… He shakes his head. The old families are always messed up. He wouldn’t be like them. He isn’t marrying his cousins, he isn’t marrying underage, or to keep the family name, or for money. He’ll marry for love, and love alone.