Chapter Text
6 JANUARY 2017
Ideal changed the subject from “MERRY CHRISTMAS PPL” to “Armed Detective Agency”
[09:57] bandages: nooooo kunikida kun whyyyyyyyyyyy
[09:57] Ideal: That was from last year dazai
[09:57] Ideal: And besides
bandages changed the subject from “Armed Detective Agency” to “PARTY PPL”
[09:57] Ideal: We’re adding the newbie to the group
[09:58] Ideal: DAZAI
Ideal changed the subject from “PARTY PPL” to “Armed Detective Agency”
[09:58] bandages: come on kunikida kun atsushi will think we’re all people with no life
[09:58] bandages: (like u)
bandages changed the subject from “Armed Detective Agency” to “PARTY PPL”
[09:58] Ideal: STOP IT DAZAI
Ideal changed the subject from “PARTY PPL” to “Armed Detective Agency”
bandages changed the subject from “Armed Detective Agency” to “PARTY PPL”
[09:59] Ideal: DAZAI
Ideal changed the subject from “PARTY PPL” to “Armed Detective Agency”
bandages changed the subject from “Armed Detective Agency” to “kunikida kun has no life”
[09:59] Ideal: DAZAI IM GOING TO FUCKING KICK YOU OUT OF THE GROUP
Ideal changed the subject from “kunikida kun has no life” to “Armed Detective Agency”
bandages changed the subject from “Armed Detective Agency” to “kunikida kun has no life”
[09:59] Ideal: DAZAI I SWEAR
[10:00] Ranpo-san: why r u guys awake its only 10am
[10:00] Ideal: Sorry Ranpo-san
[10:00] Shachou: dazai
[10:00] bandages: oh ok
bandages changed the subject from “kunikida kun has no life” to “Armed Detective Agency”
[10:00] Ranpo-san: lmao
[10:01] Ideal: I’m going to add the newbie in. DONT change the group name
[10:01] bandages: yessir (｀･ω･´)ゞ
Ideal added newbie
[10:01] bandages: YOOOOOOOOOOOO ATSUSHI KUN
[10:01] Ranpo-san: sup
[10:01] hedwig: hello!! ^^
[10:01] Naomi ♡: hi~~~ <3 <3
[10:02] chainsaw: heyo
[10:02] Kenji (*^▽^*): Hello Atsushi-san! ヾ(｡^ω^｡)ノ
[10:02] Ideal: Congratulations on passing the entrance exam. Welcome to the Armed Detective Agency’s group chat, newbie
[10:04] newbie: h
[10:04] Ideal: ...what?
[10:04] newbie: jkkkkkkkkkfjdjs;;;.,]
[10:04] chainsaw: um what
[10:05] newbie: yu h uy&*0((
[10:05] newbie: 090f0)))ikkkk```
[10:05] newbie: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[10:05] newbie: h\\ fsds()*9
newbie sent a voice recording (00:01)
[10:05] hedwig: uhh...is he okay?
[10:06] Naomi ♡: aww niisama is so caring
[10:06] bandages: is...is he transforming?!?!?!!!1!!11!! ∑(;°Д°)
[10:06] hedwig: UM
[10:07] newbie: ,,,,,,cmjdkkkkd… .?.kakloow$2$&
[10:07] Ideal: Uh @Ranpo-san what’s going on
[10:07] newbie: llll
[10:07] newbie: $/$$;;77
[10:07] Kenji (*^▽^*): Is he using code language? （*・∧・*）
[10:08] Ranpo-san: …
[10:08] chainsaw: i think he just doesnt know how to use a phone
[10:08] Ranpo-san: ^
[10:08] newbie: 0000000000
[10:08] Ideal: Dazai
[10:08] bandages: yes mom
[10:08] Ideal: Go and teach him how to use a phone
[10:08] bandages: noooo i dont wanna
[10:09] bandages: im busy
[10:09] Ideal: Doing what
[10:10] bandages: drowning myself in a river
[10:10] Ideal: ...while using a phone
[10:10] Ranpo-san: lol
[10:10] chainsaw: lmao #busted
[10:10] bandages: asdfghjkl;;;;;;;noooooooooo
[10:10] Ideal: Go
[10:11] Ranpo-san: go
[10:11] chainsaw: go
[10:11] Kenji (*^▽^*): I think you should go! :D
[10:11] bandages: why do all of u like to bully me
[10:11] bandages: cant someone spare a thought for this poor soul
[10:12] Shachou: go
[10:12] Ideal: ^ you heard him.
[10:12] bandages: okay fineeeeeeeeeeee
[10:13] bandages: mom
[10:13] Ideal: fuck you dazai
[11:02] newbie: Hello?
[11:02] hedwig: oh, hi!!!
[11:02] Naomi ♡: hi again~~~
[11:02] Ideal: Is everything going well?
[11:03] newbie: Yes! The view here is breathtaking. The apartment is wonderful as always. Thank you so much!
[11:03] hedwig: good to know youre doing great ^^
[11:03] newbie: Um, sorry, but...who’s “Hedwig”?
[11:03] hedwig: tanizaki junichirou (^▽^;)
[11:04] newbie: Oh, I see! Thank you, Tanizaki-san! Though, why “Hedwig”...?
[11:04] Naomi ♡: because niisamas ability is like snow~~~
[11:04] Naomi ♡: and hedwig is a snowy owl
[11:04] Naomi ♡: perfect nickname right? I came up with it <3
[11:05] newbie: Ah, I’m sorry, but I don’t get it…?
[11:05] hedwig: have you read harry potter before?
[11:05] newbie: I’ve heard of it, but I haven’t read it yet.
[11:05] Ranpo-san: wtf
[11:05] Ranpo-san: wtf
[11:06] hedwig: oh, i see XD;;;
[11:06] Ranpo-san: wtf
[11:06] Ranpo-san: wtf
[11:06] Ranpo-san: wtf
[11:06] Ranpo-san: wtf
[11:06] newbie: Did I miss out on something…?
[11:06] Ranpo-san: atsushi
[11:06] Ranpo-san: if u dont read hp by tomorrow
[11:07] Ranpo-san: ure not one of us
[11:07] hedwig: ...uh ranpo-san
[11:07] hedwig: that might be a bit too much (. .);;;
[11:07] Ranpo-san: what
[11:07] hedwig: um nothing
[11:07] newbie: I’m terribly sorry! I’ll make sure I read it tomorrow.
[11:08] Ranpo-san: good
[11:20] newbie: Uh, sorry for asking again, but...who’s “Chainsaw”...?
[11:20] Ideal: That’s Yosano-sensei
[11:20] newbie: Oh, okay! Thank you very much, Kunikida-san!
[11:20] newbie: But why “Chainsaw”? Is it also something to do with Harry Potter?
[11:20] hedwig: ………………………………..
[11:20] Ranpo-san: no
[11:21] Ideal: ...if you don’t know why don’t you just ask dazai
[11:21] newbie: Oh, Dazai-san? Okay.
[11:21] newbie: Um, Dazai-san, you are “Bandages”, right…?
[11:21] chainsaw: eh
[11:21] chainsaw: isnt he right beside u or something
[11:21] newbie: Huh?
[11:21] chainsaw: isnt he like
[11:22] chainsaw: teaching u how to use a phone
[11:22] chainsaw: or something
[11:22] Ideal: Oh no.
[11:22] newbie: ...uh...no?
[11:22] Ranpo-san: lmao
[11:24] newbie: He did call me about an hour ago, though, to tell me that he was busy and that figuring out how to use a phone was my first task as an official member of the Armed Detective Agency. After all, I don’t actually know how to use a phone,
having lived in the orphanage for my entire life…?
[11:24] Ideal: DAZAI YOU FUCKING BASTARD
[11:24] Ranpo-san: lolololol
[11:24] hedwig: oh dear （’・ω・`）;;;
[11:26] newbie: Um...is everything alright?
[11:26] hedwig: kunikida-san just stormed out of the office, haha (^▽^;)
[11:26] newbie: !? Oh no! Is he okay?
[11:27] Kenji (*^▽^*): It’s okay! This happens all the time (*≧∀≦*)
[11:27] newbie: ...are you all sure that’s okay…?
(Read by: Ranpo-san, hedwig, Naomi ♡, chainsaw, Kenji (*^▽^*), Shachou - 11:30
2 remaining
Delivered to: bandages, Ideal - 15:45)
[17:38] bandages: wtf guys
[17:38] bandages: im such a kind hearted person and this is how u treat me
[17:38] bandages: i feel so betrayed
[17:38] Kenji (*^▽^*): Objection! I do not think Dazai-san is kind-hearted! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*
[17:38] Ranpo-san: lol
[17:38] chainsaw: lmao savageeee
[17:38] bandages: kenji kun…!!!1!1!11!!!
[17:38] bandages: how could u...!!!!11!!11!1!!!
[17:39] newbie: Oh, hello, Dazai-san!
[17:39] bandages: after i went so far just to get that for atsushi kun………
[17:39] bandages: ...wait
[17:39] bandages: shit
[17:39] Ideal: dazai you said itwas supposed to be a fucking surprise. It was your own fucking idea. What the fuck are you doing
[17:39] bandages: um
[17:39] newbie: Surprise? What surprise?
[17:40] bandages: shit
[17:40] bandages: um
[17:40] bandages: just
[17:40] bandages: ignore what i said
[17:40] bandages: yea
[17:41] chainsaw: i can hear kunikida facepalming through the screen lmfao
[17:41] Ranpo-san: ^
[17:41] newbie: What’s a “facepalm”?
[17:41] Ideal: Never mind that. Newbie, come to the office
[17:41] newbie: Right now?
[17:41] Ideal: Yes
[17:42] Ranpo-san: u have 60 seconds
[17:42] newbie: Wh
[17:42] hedwig: RANPO-SAN NO
[17:44] newbie: Um, Kunikida-san, there’s no one in the offi
newbie sent a photo
[22:47] newbie: Here’s the group photo we took! Thank you so much, everyone, for the surprise welcome party!
[22:47] newbie: And here’s an emoticon I learned today! Thank you, Ranpo-san!
[22:48] newbie: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)