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Thomas lied there staring at the wall, even breathing felt like a huge task, it always feels worse in the morning. He sniffles pulling the covers up to his chin. Feeling Alex against him, he moves over, senses overloaded. The touch was too much, everything feels too much, feels too heavy, and why does everything feel so crushing? He couldn't explain it, the dull ache in his chest, the weight that set on him immediately after opening his eyes. He tried to ignore it the past month, every sporadic increment of sadness. He was afraid, he knew what the episodes meant, the tidal wave that was coming. He knew he wouldn't be able to get up today. Every color in front of him grayer, and reasons for existing fading. He clenches his eyes shut, his heart felt like it was beating in his ear and his breathing was uncontrollable.
“Thomas?”
He doesn’t turn over. He doesn’t want Alex to see him like this. He doesn’t want Alex to know he’s feeling like this again, that his depression is starting to come back. He feels a hand on his arm and he shrugs it off. He feels the bed shift and Alex pads over to the other side of the bed to Thomas.
“Baby?” Thomas shuts his eyes again, hoping he disappears or a hole opens up in the ground and swallows him. Alex sits down on the ground across from him eyes worried and concerned.
“I won’t touch you okay? I know you don’t want to be touched, but tell me one thing you’re feeling okay?” Alex knew this was one of those mornings. It happened from time to time and Thomas was a little hard to get through but he didn’t mind. He never did.
“I don’t know.” Thomas said in a small voice, eyes glazed over. Alex bites his lip and lays his head on the edge of the bed.
“That’s okay baby. Well we can talk about anything you want.” Thomas feels a lump in his throat. He can’t. Everything felt muted, he couldn’t move, his mouth felt sore and his tongue felt heavy. Alex knew this wasn’t a simple nudge morning. It broke his heart to see Thomas like this. He could see the way Thomas’s chest was heaving and the faraway look in his eyes. Alex continued.
“Can you try to sit up for me?” Thomas shifted in the bed, gripping the covers.
Even the thought of sitting up made him stressed and Alex couldn’t see it, he would get frustrated with him and give up. He would grow tired and leave the room, not wanting to be around his sadness. Tears gathered in his eyes and he couldn’t grasp anything in front of him. Thomas breathed harder sitting up slightly.
Alex gave him small smile then stood up moving over to the window. He opened the curtains, letting light into the room. Thomas’s gaze followed the light, the dust particles inside the beam floating freely.
“We’re going to get you dressed okay?” Thomas still says nothing, watching Alex rummage through the closet.
“What do you wanna wear hm? Purple? Blue?” This wasn’t something he has to think about, nothing emotional and the question brought him to the surface a bit.
”Purple.” he replied, voice ragged. Alex sits down on the bed, a purple shirt and jeans in hand.
“Is it okay if I touch you?” Thomas nods his head slowly. Alex scoots over to him nudging him against the head board. He grips the bottom of the other’s shirt, moving the fabric.
“Lift your arms up babe.” Thomas lifts his arms, letting him slide the shirt over his head. Alex hears Thomas mumble some incoherent words as he reaches for the other shirt.
“Hm?” Alex says looking Thomas in the eyes.
“M’sorry.” Thomas murmurs.
“For what?” He says sliding the other shirt over his boyfriend’s head.
“Being such a burden, being so sad.”
“You’re not a burden, and it’s not your fault.” Alex says simply, smiling contently at him. He knows it’s not that simple but it’s the only words he can conjure to keep Thomas’s thoughts from spiraling.
“I don’t know why this happens, I can’t stop it, I promise, don’t-don’t give up on me please.” Thomas closes his eyes, tears falling down his face.
Alex sits back on his heels and tilts Thomas’s head, thumb wiping the tears off his cheek.
”I will never give up on you okay? Some days are worse than others, some mornings are worse than others but I will never give up on you.” Thomas shakes his head looking down. Being that Alex was much smaller than him it was a bit of an awkward angle, but Alex was more than happy to crawl into his lap and lay his head on the crook of Thomas’s neck.
“It hurts.” Thomas says, chest clenching and throat swallowing as he lets Alex move from under him and help him change into his jeans.
“I know. Let's take it one thing at a time, let’s get you some breakfast, let’s try to get you up and moving okay?”
“I can’t Alex.” Thomas sighs, voice hoarse.
“I’m not letting you lay back down unless it’s with me on the sofa, it doesn’t matter how slow you go, long as you don’t stop.” Alex grabs his hand nudging him off the bed. Thomas follows behind him, no strength in him to fight.
Alex fixes him breakfast, Thomas only eating about two bites, but Alex smiles proudly anyways. Alex pushes him towards the sofa, laying down on the sofa and cuddling under Thomas.
“Thank you.” Thomas says quietly. Alex reaches down and grabs the other’s hand lacing them together.
“I love you, we’ll call your therapist tomorrow, see what we can do to get things inside your head okay for you again, just sleep, I’m right here.”
Thomas kisses him on the cheek and shifts back, letting himself drift off to sleep. Alex wanted to say something more but he could feel Thomas’s soft breathing behind him and realized he was asleep. He knew couldn’t make Thomas talk about it, but he would be there, no matter what.