Chapter Text
The only thing I crave
is the sweet nothing
the soothing darkness
that leads to infinity
and beyond
Death was no longer an abstract thing for Dazai. He had been close to dying way too many times and escaped it due to some kind of a miracle - or irony, bad luck as he liked to say.
The idea of death never bothered him, it seemed pleasant more than anything.
So when he heard those words, he knew exactly what that meant.
"I'm dying, Dazai."
When he came home and found his unusually pale partner sitting on the floor gasping, he knew exactly what that meant.
No , he thought, and also this isn't happening . But it was clearly real as he held Chuuya in his arms, trying to figure out what to do. It was nothing. He could do nothing.
Chuuya seemed fragile, vulnerable. Those were words he had never connected with Chuuya before. But suddenly they were fitting and he couldn't get them out of his mind.
"I'm dying, Dazai."
"No, you are not."
It was a desperate, almost childish answer. Dazai was aware of that, yet he couldn't help himself.
"I got the tests."
Which tests , Dazai almost asked before finding out that in the busy times he had been through he nearly forgot about Chuuya's medical tests he got after suddenly fainting at work.
"It's in my brain. It's terminal."
Dazai was speechless. He couldn't find the words to comfort neither of them so he just stared at his partner as he got a feeling like a cold hand grabbing his guts.
"Were you trying to kill yourself again?" Chuuya's words didn't sound mean, it was just a simple statement. Dazai could only look down - yes, he came home later than usual because of another failed suicide attempt from earlier.
"I'm glad you didn't succeed."
"I wish I could give you my life."
Chuuya gave him a sad smile that hurt him almost just as much as his previous words. "Keep it. But please, stay with me till I die."
Dazai felt thousands of knives in his chest when he hugged Chuuya as tightly as possible, hurting too much to cry. He couldn’t think of a more ironic thing. On one side there was him who craved death more than anything, unable to get it and on the other one there was Chuuya, so full of life and will to live, who was supposed to die in a short time. There wasn’t nothing more unfair than life itself.
“I have a list of things I want to do,” Chuuya continued, his voice was a bit shaky but not full of hard emotions, like he was already over the pain from the news or trying to be strong. Dazai just wished he stopped talking. He was suddenly aware of every second passing by, every wasted second of their lives. It was unsettling, making his heart race faster with unexplainable fear.
“You don’t have to stay with me if you don’t want to, though,” he said then, still in Dazai’s maybe too tight embrace. “I won’t force you.”
“I’ll be with you till the very last second. I can promise you that.”
And so death was no longer soothing and no longer comfortable, now that it was about to take the only person he had ever loved away from Dazai.
***
The streets were buried under heavy layers of snow and it still kept on snowing. Dazai’s feet were cold from walking through the snow, but he ignored the discomfort. There was nothing but silence, darkness and the dim lights making the snow seem yellow around him. Soon even those lights were turned off, once the clock tower let the city know that it was after midnight already.
Dazai went on his midnight walks anytime he couldn’t sleep - which was almost every night. But tonight he didn’t feel calm nor comfortable, he felt unbelievably lonely. So lonely he could barely breathe in the freezing air. With his hands buried deep in the pockets of his coat and his face covered with a scarf for protection he continued wading through the snow.
The idea of lying down and just sleeping was too tempting. But coming back home was more important. He just needed to sort out his thoughts now. Think about what he was going to do.
He needed to seem strong. Although he felt like everything was falling apart and he couldn’t take it anymore, he needed to support Chuuya with all he had.
That was the only thing he could do anyway.
1.
Knowing that you have only a limited time to live is a bit scary at first. You start thinking of every single thing you had ever wanted to do, realising you’ll probably never be able to do that. The first reaction is tears. Sadness to the point of self pity.
I cried a lot, alone in the bathroom. I hid myself because I didn’t want to show anyone how pitiful I was. But what does it matter when you are dying?
I should have lived harder. I should have been more honest. I should have enjoyed life much more. I should have, I should have.
No. My life is now. I have to make the best out of it.
The doctor gave me advice on how to cope with this thing. I was supposed to make a to do list of things I want to do before I die. I have to admit that most of them are quite silly, but I’m done hiding things I like and pretending.
When I wake up in the morning and feel the warmth of another body beside me, I know I’m not alone. For now, I have someone to lean on.
But we all are alone when we are dying. Nobody can leave for the other side with you.
I already left work. When Dazai heard of it, he took a few days off to help me get through the stuff on my list. He is actually quite sweet when he is serious. I’m gonna miss that.
The first thing was a road trip. I’ve never been on one. I just wanted to ride the car around without knowing where I’m going. Listen to music, feel free and in peace. Hopefully it would be enough to distract me and silence the ticking clock in my head.
Tick, tick, tick, you are running out of time.
The biggest irony was that I’ve never felt more alive than in the last weeks or days of my life.
***
Dazai was trying his best to make everything perfect. He felt so restless and anxious he couldn’t just sit around, so he dedicated all of his energy to preparing the car and their luggage for the road trip. It was just one night, so there wasn’t a lot of stuff they needed, but he felt way more comfortable in the garage with loud music and manual work than inside with his own thoughts.
He regretted this decision later, though. When he finally finished everything he could do and even more and returned inside, he found out that Chuuya got sick again.
He looked almost guilty as he was holding on the kitchen counter, the colour of his face somewhere between grey and green.
In a few seconds Chuuya was in Dazai’s arms again.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you here alone. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I threw up. It wouldn’t be a good sight anyway.”
“I don’t care.”
Dazai promised himself he would be stronger for Chuuya, but he was as selfish as always instead. He was trying to deal only with his own feelings, hiding from the world.
“Should we postpone the trip then?” He asked carefully when Chuuya gently shook off his arms and stood on his own.
“No. I don’t have much time, remember?”
“Right.”
“Look I know you are worried, but… It’s going to be fine. I don’t want to see you this upset.” Chuuya actually looked nervous, refusing to make eye contact. Dazai almost laughed - bitterly. Chuuya was actually comforting him - how ironic that was? And, of course, he could see right through him.
Dazai loved him. More than anything else. He felt like he didn’t say that enough.
“We are going in about an hour, if you are ready,” he said instead.
***
They were sitting in the car in silence - neither of them was in the mood to talk, although for different reasons. Dazai hated himself more and more with each second passing, yet he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
Finally, Chuuya turned the car radio on, and the car was suddenly filled with a sound of the sad french song that got cut off in the middle during the last ride. The desperate tones of the song together with the grey sky and yards of nothing but abandoned fields fit Dazai’s mood perfectly.
He wanted to say so many things, but couldn’t find the right words.
“I’m sorry.” That was a good start.
“For what?”
“For being a shitty person.” A shitty partner.
“I got over that a while ago.”
Dazai glanced to his right to see that Chuuya was staring out of the car. He caught a glimpse of his expression reflected on the car window. It was unbelievably sad.
“I know you are complicated. I don’t blame you. For anything.”
Dazai held on the steering wheel so hard his knuckles whitened.
“What’s the point of being angry at anyone now?”
Dazai pulled the car to the side of the road without warning and turned the engine off. Then he put away his seatbelt as quickly as possible, struggling with it a bit as his hand got caught up. He hugged Chuuya, pulling him so close there was barely any space left to breathe. He sobbed uncontrollably into Chuuya’s coat.
“Please, don’t leave me.” Like a child.
Chuuya stroked his hair in a soothing motion,in silence. What could he say, after all?
“I need to tell you so many things,” Dazai managed to say in between sobs.
“You don’t have to waste our time on words. I can see that. I can feel that. I know.”
The song was almost over, the singer getting tired of his own misery.
“Everything is going to be okay.”
This was a line Dazai told Chuuya many times, a sweet innocent lie. Now Dazai was the one receiving those words - he nearly laughed. There was no comfort in them. He felt miserable.
Suddenly aware of his pathetic breakdown he pulled away and leaned against his seat again.
“I’m sorry,” he said, trying to stop the tears from falling, feeling betrayed by his own body. “I’m sorry.”
He put the seat belt back on and started the car, returning to the road. Another french song came on, this one was slow too but less depressing.
Chuuya didn’t comment on Dazai’s apologies. He just placed his hand on Dazai’s thigh, a simple reassurement, a subtle “I’m here”.
For how long?
Dazai felt embarrassed and lost, but he was slowly calming down, his careless and emotionless mask returned. He never expected to experience such strong feelings. He never thought his world would fall apart so quickly, without warning. The only emotions left were anger, despair and endless sadness.
“Should I drive?” Chuuya asked quietly. Dazai just shook his head. He was okay. He needed a distraction.
Instead of making this trip amazing, ge screwed up so hard.
It started getting dark. Dazai thought it was too soon. Darkness no longer felt calming - now it made him uneasy. The last bits of winter were still present, while the first spring symbols already appeared, filling the world with hope which seemed ironic now.
“If you see a place you like, tell me. I’ll stop there.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
The current song playing sounded nice and relaxing and Chuuya absent mindedly caressed Dazai’s thigh. Meanwhile they passed by a mysterious looking forest and the sky was so clear tonight, they could see the moon and the stars. Dazai kind of wished this moment lasted forever.
Their time together was like shatters; pieces of happiness broken by painful events so much they couldn’t be put back together, yet they still remained pretty. Dazai craved to keep them forever, although their sharp edges hurt with every touch.
“Here.”
The place Chuuya pointed at was a simple meadow split in half by an almost invisible muddy road. The murmur of the forest near the place where Dazai stopped the car was the only noise around. Everything else was quiet. As quiet as dead.
Dazai tried to shake off the thoughts of death but it was nearly impossible. He left the car frantically, aching for fresh air. Leaning against the car and closing his eyes he breathed in deeply, hoping it would ease the pain in his chest. It didn’t.
Chuuya slowly followed him and approached him almost as if he was unsure of his movements.
“Look,” Chuuya said when he leaned against the car next to Dazai. “Look up.”
Dazai opened his eyes and looked at the sky, wondering what he could see there - it wasn’t like he had never seen the stars before.
“You know what I find pretty fascinating? When travelling, you get to see different stars. The sky changes at different places. But you always see the same moon. Sometimes I think of people being on the other side of the world, looking at the same moon as me. It feels like some kind of connection, you know?”
Chuuya was talking fast and his voice was high pitched and the usual confidence was almost gone. Something in his words made Dazai want to hug him and never let him go.
Instead he leaned closer and pressed a quick kiss on Chuuya’s cheek. They were hardly this affectionate together - their relationship was mostly about passion, rough kisses and aggressive making out. But now, at least to Dazai, small touches seemed extremely important.
In the next second Chuuya pulled Dazai’s face closer to his and pressed their lips together in a soft and long kiss. Dazai pulled him into his arms, trying to make the kiss last as long as possible.
Thoughts of death faded away. Pleasurable things filled Dazai’s mind instead. The sweet memory of their first kiss mixed with the reality of the current one cured his pain at least for a while. When they fell asleep while hugging tightly covered in warm blankets in the small tent which was supposed to be only for one person, Dazai felt almost peaceful. As long as he could hear Chuuya’s breath and feel his heartbeat. He could go on.