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The litter of golden retriever puppies watched the two humans argue back and forth, their heads turning left and right along with the rapid conversation. The puppies were climbing over one another to get a better scent of these people. All were wagging their tails eagerly—it was common knowledge that whenever a new human came over, a lucky winner would land a new home.
Bruno stayed near the back, away from his brothers and sisters as he observed the humans. He didn’t like to tussle too much, he’d never win. Besides, he had a better view back here.
One of his siblings whimpered loudly, and the human on the left said, “C’mon, Dan. We’re already here, we’re already in love with them. Let’s just choose one.”
Tails wagged even faster. Those were the magic words.
“I can’t...Phil, you know they’re all adorable,” said the human on the right, looking distraught as he ran a hand through his brown hair. “I’m not gonna be able to decide between cute and cute.”
“Well, let me pick.” The first human named Phil turned towards the puppies, all fenced in the small circular area. Everyone was excited now—jumping and yipping and putting on their best face. Bruno perked his ears up, just as thrilled.
Phil tapped his chin, smiling down at all the rambunctious puppies. His eyes wandered over each of them, thinking this carefully. Each pup tried to give its best impression, tilted heads or big eyes. However, he passed over all of them, and landed on Bruno.
“This one seems pretty clever,” Phil said, reaching over the gate to grab Bruno.
“Clever? Really. How could you tell?”
“I dunno. The wise look in his eyes?”
“He’s a puppy, Phil. The only wisdom he has is to shit and sleep.”
“Maybe he’s wise beyond his years!”
Bruno didn’t care what they thought of him. He squirmed in happiness in Phil’s arms, sniffing his strange clothing and trying to lick his face, which smelled the most delicious. He yipped to show appreciation, and smiled with his tongue out at the other human.
Dan’s eyes went soft at the sight of Bruno, and he petted between his ears and under his chin. Bruno loved this. He licked Dan’s hand in affection and both humans cooed.
They didn’t set him back with his siblings. Instead, Dan and Phil took Bruno and went up to the shelter’s front lobby, picking up a red collar with a bone-shaped tag on it, a comfy bed, a bowl, a leash, and everything else a puppy could desire. Bruno was so elated, his tail wouldn’t stop all the way to his new home.
“Do we have to call him Bruno?”
“The shelter named him that! It’s what he responds to!”
“It’s so generic for a dog’s name, Phil. Plus, the Internet will think it’s after Bruno Mars or something.”
“Don’t you like Bruno Mars?”
“Not enough to name our dog after him!”
Bruno’s new home was crowded with boxes. Boxes filled with things he would get scolded at for sticking his nose in. He didn’t understand why, it’s not like he was going to eat anything. Maybe he just wanted to see what those shoes tasted like. And that yellow stuffed animal. But that was all.
“Sorry for all the clutter, Bruno,” Phil said, picking him up and scratching his small ears. “We just moved. This is a new house for everyone!”
It certainly was big. At least to Bruno. He wanted to run everywhere. Through the carpeted living room and down the hallway, anywhere his small paws would take him. He often tripped over himself only to skid and plop to his belly in the tiled kitchen. His owners only laughed and smothered him with more love.
“How should we tell everyone?” Dan asked that evening, after Bruno ate from his shiny new bowl and apparently wasn’t allowed any of the pizza that was on the living room coffee table. “With a video? A tweet?”
“I thought we agreed Instagram,” Phil said where he sat cross-legged on the sofa, and he scooped up Bruno in his arms. At least he smelled like the pizza.
Dan smiled, grabbing his phone and aiming it where Bruno wriggled on Phil’s lap. “Alright, hold him still.”
Phil’s hug tightened a bit, and, confused with the situation, Bruno tried to break free. Didn’t they see he had other things to do, like run around the house some more?
“Brunny, please—”
“Did you just call the dog ‘Brunny’?”
“It’s a cute nickname!”
“Alright, whatever. Bruno, buddy! Look at me! Look at dad!”
Bruno looked up at Dan, and a bright light flashed for a moment.
Then Bruno peed right then and there.
Needless to say, his new owners were not pleased with him.
There was no doubt Bruno loved his owners. He just thought they were strange creatures. Were all humans like this?
They often talked to themselves, even when the other wasn’t in the room. It was always towards one of their phones held in front of their face or to another camera set up on tall legs. Bruno always tried to sniff these odd legs, but Dan and Phil never let him get close.
Sometimes in the evening, Dan or Phil will be talking to their computer, as if it were another human. Or multiple humans. Bruno wasn’t sure, but he didn’t understand why. Once, he waltzed into Dan’s room as he talked to his computer, and Dan turned around in his chair to beam at him.
“Bruno! Buddy, did you want to join the live show?”
Bruno cocked his head, confused by the word, but Dan hoisted him up and turned back to the computer. “Isn’t he cute?” he said, and kissed Bruno’s face. “Phil’s gonna be so jealous, that I got to show you guys the new dog IRL before he did.” Bruno looked over at his gleeful owner, wondering who on earth he was talking to.
Most of the time, they didn’t let Bruno sleep alone in his dog bed. The two would be more than happy to have him come up on their large human beds, and everyone would sleep soundly. Except sometimes, the door to one of their rooms would be closed, and Bruno would be puzzled.
Like this particular night, he whined and scratched at the wood, able to tell they both were in there making funny noises. Frustrated, he puffed up his chest and let out a bark, which turned out to be a squeak. Then, both their voices together said, “Bruno! Go to bed!”
Bruno huffed and backed up on his paws. Didn’t they know that’s what he was trying to do? He barked/squeaked louder. Finally, success. He heard marching footsteps and the door opened.
Bruno panted happily up at Dan, who did not look pleased in return. He hurried into the room, and Dan’s long legs couldn’t block him in time.
As Bruno weaved past the piles of clothing on the floor, Phil sat up on his bed and was talking to Dan.
‘“Why did you let him in?”
“He was barking, Phil! I dunno, I thought he needed something!”
“Maybe he has to wee?”
“I’m not taking him out now!”
“Just put a robe on or something, please?”
Bruno didn’t need to wee, he just wanted to sleep. He hopped up onto the mattress and trekked through the jumbled waves of Phil’s colorful bedsheets. Soon, he found his designated spot in the middle of the two pillows, and curled up there.
Dan heaved out a sigh. “I guess we’re done for tonight.”
“Thanks, Brunny,” Phil chuckled, petting the fur across Bruno’s spine.
“You managed to pick the dog that was the ultimate cockblock, Phil.”
“I told you he was clever!”
Someone out there was a fan of Bruno.
Or, a lot of someones.
A person named Internet.
Bruno never met them, but that’s all the humans could talk about.
“Look, Dan, they’ve made a meme out of him!” Phil said one night, wheezing with laughter. He was slouched on the sofa with Bruno on his chest and his laptop on his knees. But when the commotion began, Bruno was lifted off and onto Dan’s lap, being petted as the two stared at Phil’s computer.
“They’re photoshopping Bruno Mars’ face onto his body?!” Dan groaned. “Oh, god—”
“It’s hilarious!” Phil was practically in tears.
“This is horrible!”
“C’mon, it’s funny. Look at this video…”
They both were laughing hysterically, and frankly Bruno thought it was annoying. He tried squirming out of Dan’s arms when Dan held him tighter, pointing at the screen. “Bruno! Buddy, look!” He threw his head back and cackled.
Bruno stared and sniffed the air. He saw the image of the golden retriever puppy with funny brown hair and a black t-shirt with three red hearts on it, his bottom paws wearing bunny shoes, but he didn’t get the humor. He looked over at Phil, who was in a fit of giggles as well.
His owners were so strange.
Bruno met other humans through Dan and Phil. Which confused him, because he assumed Dan and Phil didn’t know any other humans.
The first friend of his owners he met came over one afternoon. Bruno overheard she was there to help unpack all the boxes, but the second she saw Bruno she gasped and turned all attention towards him.
He quite liked her, she smelled lovely and she rubbed his belly.
“Louise, you’re here to help us. The guys with a million unpacked boxes,” Dan told her. “Darcy can keep Bruno occupied, right?”
Darcy was a smaller human. She had the same hair color as her mother and an even more interesting smell. Bruno couldn’t stop sticking his nose to her face. She would squeal and plop down to the floor with him.
“Silly doggie,” Darcy giggled.
Another human friend Bruno met lived away far enough they had to travel by car to get there. Bruno was ecstatic. Car rides were the greatest thing in the world to him. Phil let him stick his small head out the window and he let his tongue loll out in joy.
These friends lived in an even bigger house than Bruno lived in. And even better, there were two other dogs there. They weren’t as young as Bruno, but they sure were small. The black one wanted to sniff his butt while the brown one sniffed his face.
Bruno stayed immobilized, unsure what else do to.
“Marzia, maybe we can have puppy dates now?” Phil joked to his friends.
“I know you’re not serious, Phil,” Dan said, “but that actually sounds pretty awesome.”
The two dogs—which their owners called Edgar and Maya—accepted Bruno into their home, but they were still wary of him. Bruno tried to stay near Dan or Phil’s feet, cautious of them as well.
Couldn’t they just stay at home? No one bothered you if you stay at home. Surely, Dan and Phil would know this.
Dan and Phil were doing that thing again. Talking to a camera on long sticks.
Why were they drawing on each other’s faces anyway?
Bruno snuffed loudly from the hallway, deciding he’ll never understand humans.
“Uh, oh,” Phil said. “This question involves Bruno.”
“Don’t like, ninety percent of them do?” Dan laughed.
“Well, yes. This is just the top one: Give Bruno cat whiskers.”
“I’m not drawing Sharpie on the dog, Phil.”
“Bring him in here, we’ll think of something!”
Suddenly, Dan was striding out in the hallway, and when Bruno saw him he perked up. Were they finished? Would they play with him now?
Well, it was a different kind of game, Bruno discovered.
It all took place on Phil’s colorful bed, with the camera on top of long legs in front of them. They wanted to do all sorts of things with him, including holding a piece of paper with cat whiskers drawn on it in front of Bruno’s nose (Bruno tried to chew it, they then joked about something called rebranding). Phil sang a song with Bruno’s name it in, and moved Bruno’s front paws to hit invisible drums. At one point, they had Bruno wear a red cape and be held high in the air by Phil’s arms while Dan screamed helplessly on the floor.
Dan and Phil laughed a lot, and it made Bruno want to lick their faces. He often succeeded.
Maybe talking to the camera wasn’t all so strange, as long as Bruno could play with them as they did it. And get plenty of treats as an award.
Bruno had never seen snow before.
Dan and Phil thought it was the perfect opportunity to take him for a walk to experience it properly. They were bundled in black coats and grey mittens, while Bruno was attached to his leash. He constantly pulled at it, wishing to go farther and see everything.
Snow was cold and fluffy and tasted particularly odd. Phil followed along Bruno’s path of curiosity, taking picture after picture as Dan kept one hand on the leash and the other holding up his phone as well to record it all on video. He giggled at everything Bruno did.
Bruno was getting bigger, but not tall enough to withstand all elements of nature. Being brave, he cocked his head at a pile of snow and leapt towards it...only to be sunken up to his nose.
Dan hooted as Phil almost dropped his phone in fright. He hurried over to help Bruno to freedom. “Poor little fella,” Phil cooed, and Bruno couldn’t help but agree. He was stuck for goodness sake.
On the way home, Dan carried Bruno in his arms, and Bruno savored the warmth his owner radiated. Soft flakes fluttered down around them and into Dan and Phil’s hair and onto Bruno’s fur. If one were to drift in front of Bruno’s face, he perked his ears, and nipped at the air to catch it.
Phil thought it was adorable, and took a picture.
“You’re spoiling him, you know,” Phil playfully scolded Dan.
“So what? I’ll gladly wear the title of ‘spoiling father,’ I don’t care.”
“Cute.”
“What?”
“You calling yourself Bruno’s dad.”
“You’re his dad too, shut up.”
Bruno heard a kiss being given, and he swiveled his head around in time to see Dan make a face of faux-disgust. Phil leaned over and kissed the top of Bruno’s head as well, and in response Bruno too snuffed in irritation.
“Like father like son,” Phil chuckled.
Later on in winter, they set up a tree inside the house.
Bruno had never seen such a peculiar thing. He cautiously watched from his spot on the sofa as Dan and Phil set it up across the room, decorating it in glittering lights and shiny balls.
(All while talking to one of their cameras. Bruno’s gotten to the point where he just doesn’t question it).
“Alright, we have the jumpers, we’ve got the tree,” Dan said to the camera, counting off with his fingers as he listed. “We even got the Christmas shopping done. What’s next, Philly?” He turned to point dramatically at Phil, who was sitting cross-legged by the tree.
“Presents?”
“Presents!”
Bruno blinked at this new but apparently exciting word.
“So, since this is Bruno’s first Christmas,” Dan narrated as Phil scooped him up and carried him over by the tree. “It’s only fair that his presents are opened first.”
“And we’re not giving him everything,” Phil clarified.
“No. No, it’s an early Christmas present. We picked it out together. It’s very cute, very Bruno. And it’s appropriate for the holiday season!”
Bruno sat on his hind legs on Phil’s lap, watching the scene move around him. Dan filming as Phil brought a haphazardly wrapped box from under the tree and placed it in front of Bruno. The paper was red and the bow was silver. Bruno cautiously sniffed at it, didn’t detect anything, and then craned his head up to look at Phil, wondering what in the world they expected to happen. This house was once crammed with boxes, this one wasn’t any different, just looked pretty.
Dan snorted out a laugh from behind his camera. “Brunny, you gotta open it.”
“Ha! You called him Brunny!”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh, shut up.”
Phil eventually helped Bruno complete this odd task. Slowly ripping the corner of the red paper, he got Bruno more curious in it. More smells emerged, and Bruno stuck his nose at the exposed box, all while his owners cheered in encouragement.
After several minutes (and a comment from Dan to edit most of it out) the red paper was in shreds around the floor and the silver bow was placed atop Phil’s head. The lid of the box lifted away, and Bruno stumbled forward to sniff at what was inside.
Dan squealing and Phil gasping, they were both telling him, “It’s a Christmas jumper!”
While Bruno’s tail wagged with the collected excitement, he was still lost with this ‘present.’ It wasn’t a toy, or food, or a houseplant Phil would often buy. He watched along curiously as Phil took the thing with one hand and held Bruno with the other, telling him to “Stand still.”
“Oh, my god. Fashion icon,” Dan said with a grin after the battle of putting the jumper on Bruno. There was quite a lot of tugging to pop it over his head. The dog didn’t know such a thing existed. It was warm and made of this green plaid fabric. Bruno adjusted his legs, getting used to it.
It was actually quite cozy.
“Bruno, you are officially the most festive dog in all the world,” Phil announced, the bow slipping off his head. Bruno wagged his tail faster in agreement.
“God, we look—we look,” Dan stuttered a chuckle, in front of the camera now and next to Phil and Bruno, squinted at the screen showing them the reflective footage. “We look like a fucking Stock Image.”
Phil lifted Bruno up and squished their faces together (Bruno licked Phil’s chin). “It’s our first family Christmas card!”
“Aww.”
“Print it out, I’ll send it to my mum.”
“Really?”
“Seriously. She’ll hang it on the fridge.”
Bruno glanced between the two, listening as they told the camera farewell and wishing everyone (everyone? Who exactly?) a happy holidays. Phil lifted one of Bruno’s paws to wave goodbye as well.
Family. Bruno could get used to how wonderful that sounded. It raced his heart faster than the word ‘treat’ or ‘walk’ could. He shuffled to cuddle closer to Phil, and struggled because of how his jumper twisted. His owners, of course, cooed and hugged him tighter, both planting kisses on his head.
Without a shadow of a doubt, Bruno was the luckiest dog in the entire world.