Work Text:
It's not 'I don't care how many people you've been with.'
It's 'you're the first, my first, in every single way. First kiss, first date, first person to make me feel alive. The first person to make my heart beat out of my chest when I'm sleeping because it's calling out to you even in my dreams.'
It's 'I've never done this before, but oh god, you have. You've held so many hands and kissed so many lips and you know exactly what it feels like to fall so deep in love that you can't even see the surface anymore. You've been in every relationship and had so many people touch your heart in ways mine has only imagined and how am I meant to compete with that? How am I meant to learn you and hold you and feel your face pressed against my neck while we slow dance to no music with nothing but the light from the moon to keep us company, when I know deep in my heart you've done that before? How am I meant to be special when you've had a thousand me's in the last century? How can I be enough for you? I know I won't be enough for you. You'll move on when I'm gone and I'll just be one more person in the long line of lovers you've collected and I don't know if I can handle that.'
It's 'I've been waiting for you, and now here you are, but you've had me. I want to kiss you and hold you see beneath you're makeup because I bet you're even more beautiful underneath. I want to press my lips to your eyelids when you're tired and tell you about my dreams and hear you whisper about your adventures when I can't sleep at night. I want to live with you and eat with you and crawl into your veins and listen to your voice in the morning, when it's rough and tired and you're coming down with a cold. I want to be your everything and I want to brag about you at meetings and let the world know that your heart is mine and I want to teach you to hold your head high when someone looks down on you. I want you, Magnus Bane, in my heart, my mind, my soul. But how do I know that I won't just be the next one in line? How can I believe that you won't choose someone better than me?'
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It's not 'I don't care how many people you haven't been with.'
It's 'I've been with thousands, THOUSANDS of lovers. I've had hands on my body that belonged to nameless strangers and I've given my heart to people so quickly my head still spins. I've let several thousand people in and every single one of them has left my heart with broken walls and shattered windows and I swear I've fallen far enough already that you leaving would blow the roof off. I've kissed men and women at the same time and allowed my body to be used in unimaginable ways just to feel a little love for a while. I've thrown myself in front of bullets for people who would have shot me themselves without a second thought and I've put my heart out there for the world to trample. And it has. By the gods above it has.'
It's 'I've locked myself away for over a century because I knew. I knew that someone was going to come along and get close enough to blow me up and here you are. My precious grenade, here to rip me to pieces and break my body until you decide I'm not worth it anymore. Here you are, the one thing I've been hiding from and I let you right in, hell, I fought for you. I chased you down and begged you to keep me. I threw myself at your feet and let you tell me I wasn't enough for you, that I was just playing a game. I let you look down on me like so many before you and you can bet your ass I'll let you do it again. Because look at you. You, with you pretty eyes and your beautiful smile and your soft heart that has no idea what it's doing to me. I let you all the way in and now I have no idea how, and no way to make you leave, even if I wanted you to.'
It's 'I watched you walk down the isle at your wedding and I let you kiss me like a starving man and now I know why you did it. And I wish I hadn't let you. Because you were starving, you were ravenous and there I was, the only thing that could give you what you craved. You threw yourself out of the closet and into my heart and down came all my walls because you are a wrecking and you are a grenade and you were on a mission to break my soul. And now here we are, and I'm your first and you're my seventeen thousand and something and what am I meant to do with you? How do I make you feel special? How do I make you see me and not my past? How do I kiss you and not let every other person that I wasn't good enough for come out and take you away too?'
It's 'You're my first Shadowhunter and I'm your first everything and I'm so scared that I won't be good enough but how am I meant to let you walk away when my heart is already aching to have your love wrapped around it? How am I meant to tell you to go when my bed feels colder than it has in years because my body craves your heat and there's no blanket in the world warm enough to fix that? How am I meant to end this when every time you enter a room I nearly lose control of my magic like a teenager high on ecstasy, zapping up my spine and ripping through my heart like a lightning bolt? You're waking me up in every possible way, opening every door I've closed and I'm so so scared that you'll walk away the second it gets too much but I'm just stupid enough to not want you to go. I'm just dumb enough to still want you here, in my arms, on my bed, under my skin, because maybe you'll be different. Maybe you'll love me like I'm perfect, and call me pretty when I'm sick. Kiss me when I'm angry and hold my hand while we're walking. Maybe you'll want me to touch you, maybe you'll cuddle me. Maybe you won't think I'm clingy, and you'll let me play with your hair. Maybe you'll call me a pet name and take me on holidays. Maybe you'll dance with me early in the morning, and let the sun rise behind us while you spin me like a princess. Maybe you'll lay with me for hours, and listen to the world move on without us while we kiss, and touch and breathe each other's air. And maybe you'll just be with me. Maybe you'll be the first to just be with me. Maybe it's you, Alexander Lightwood, that I've been waiting for. Maybe you won't break my heart.'