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Adam looks beautiful when he's laughing.
Gansey realizes that he's never seen Adam laugh before.
He tries to memorize it as best as he can: the way Adam's head tilts back, the way his eyes close, the way he cuts himself off and ducks his head, embarrassed about being loud but still smiling.
That night, Adam's laugh is the last thing Gansey thinks about before he goes to sleep.
The thing is, Gansey isn't really sure what kind of love he has for Adam. He knows he would do anything for him, knows he would die for Adam. He would die for Ronan, but those aren't the same feelings.
And he knows how he feels about Ronan- like a brother.
He doesn't think that's how he feels about Adam.
In fact, he isn't sure he feels the way he feels about Adam for anyone else.
He thinks about Adam's laugh again, when he sees the boy's black eye a week later. He wants to make Adam laugh again.
No one asks questions. Aglionby boys show up to school with all sorts of injuries. Gansey knows what it's from, and he knows they'll fight about it later.
He's feeling more and more of these feelings, and he's not ignorant. He guesses that they're romantic, and he isn't sure what that means for him yet.
Maybe all it needs to mean is that he would do anything to make Adam laugh again.
These feelings are: the need to make Adam laugh, the need to keep him safe, the need to wake up to him in Monmouth, the need to drive him out of Henrietta and let having each other be enough that they would never want to look back.
He's let himself dream about it.
The two of them, alone and happy.
Adam in places Gansey fell in love with along the way.
In his dreams, Adam is taking in the scenery, but Gansey can't pull his eyes away from Adam.
He would never do it. Adam never would, either. There's too much holding them in Henrietta for now. Blue is quickly becoming one of those things. It terrifies Gansey. She's amazing, and he's already a little in love with her. He has the feeling that he should be, and that he always will.
Adam seems to be falling for her too.
Gansey looks at the two of them and longs. He isn't sure what it is he's longing for anymore.
Does he want Adam, the boy he would die for?
Does he want Blue, the girl who he becomes more and more fascinated by each day?
Lately, he dreams of both of them.
He lets himself dream.
He also does some research. There are words like "pansexual" and "polyamorous" that he finds fitting.
Gansey dreams, and searches Henrietta, and searches his own mind for answers.
Henry Cheng is unexpected and wonderful. He tosses around words like "pansexual" and "polyamorous" with a confidence Gansey has yet to gain.
Blue makes sense, and Henry makes sense, and perhaps the three of them make sense together.
Gansey still dreams about Adam, some nights.
He doesn't let his heart break when Adam tells him about his relationship with Ronan.
Gansey thinks to himself that his problem is that he lets himself fall in love with too many people.
He thinks about Blue and Adam and Noah and Ronan and Henry.
It's okay to love Adam quietly, he reminds himself. No one else has to know.
After all, he would die for Adam.