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He remembers it so vibrantly. Like it didn't happen ten years ago. When she was taken, ripped out of his life before he even knew what to do.
It was a cold spring that year. His older sister had come home from college for spring break. She went to school very far from home, so he didn't get to see her much anymore. When the silver car pulled into the driveway he ran up to her along with his other siblings, jumping and screaming her name as she pulled in. They all had missed her. She was the oldest, and the favorite. He ran to give her a warm hug, glad that she was back. What he didn't expect were the arms wrapping tightly around him, giving him a long hug. She wasn't the type to show affection easily. She was usually a bit distant. This was unlike her. She did look a bit pale. Maybe she was sick? His theory was confirmed after she coughed a bit, standing straight to greet the rest of the family.
He pushed the worried thoughts aside, and focused on her being home. It's probably just a cold. Not that big of a deal. He can't help but to worry about her. They were the closest pair of siblings in the family. Always together, even if she was a bit cold. It broke his heart when she moved away to college, thousands of miles away. He was always worried if she was doing okay. She's fine. He told himself. Jeez, he was being such a mom. He went back to jumping and screaming with the other children, excited to spend time with her while she was there.
His worries arose again, when he heard hacking noises coming from the bathroom a few days later. Knocking on the wooden door, he turned the knob. He knew she was sick. He expected to see her throwing up and running a fever. He expected to see stomach acid. But he got petals instead.
She was leaning on the sink, heaving what looked to be blood and lilies. He shrieked her name, alarmed by the sight of the crimson liquid. Before anyone could hear him, his sister put a shaking hand over his mouth.
"Shh...L-Lance..I'm f-fine....just be quiet-t."
Her voice was raspy, blood leaking from the corners of her mouth. His eyes went wide, fear showing in his irises. She ran the tap water, and cleaned the mess up until all that remained were a few white, stained petals. She gathered those up, throwing them into the toilet before erasing the evidence of her coughing fit.
"Valencia, what are those petals!?"
"Shh, be quiet before someone hears you"
She wore a bittersweet smile on her face, trying to ease his panic. She almost looked contempt, like everything was okay. It made it easier for Lance to calm down.
"You can't tell anyone okay? I don't want anyone to worry."
"But what is it, why were you coughing up flowers?"
The smile faltered a bit, before she took a shaky breath. She tried to be reassuring.
"It's called Hanahaki Disease. I have flowers growing in my lungs."
A look of horror adorned the boy's face, tears welling in his eyes. He didn't want her to get hurt.
"No, no, don't start crying. It's going to be okay."
The smile she gave him almost made him want to believe it. She knelt down and started to wipe the tears from his face.
"It means I'm in love with someone."
"But it's hurting you!!"
"I know, but it's okay, because loving someone is worth the pain."
This stuck in his mind, like a thorn from a rose. The concept seemed foreign to him. He didn't understand what made love so great. But he thought about how much he would give for his family, for his older sister. He would give anything.
"Come on, let's cheer you up with some video games, I'll even make you some hot chocolate. I know it's your favorite."
With video games brought up, he almost forgot about the event that took place. But he would always remember the words Valencia told him on that day.
Loving someone is worth the pain.
It wasn't until their traditional movie marathon night that the disease was brought up again. They were both laying on the couch, on their third Disney movie, with Lance slowly drifting to sleep. Lance sat up the second she erupted into a fit of hacking. A stained lily made it's way into her throat. She tilted her head up, reaching with her hand to drag it out of her throat. Fear flooded through Lance as he recognized the blood on the flower. But as he looked up at her, he noticed that she had a sad smile on her face as she looked down at the lily in her hands. She promptly stood up and disposed of the blossom.
"Is it getting worse?"
"N-No, don't worry, I'm fine." Her cheeks suddenly looked hollow and pale.
"But..."
"Hey, do you want to hear a legend about the flower's victims?"
Bewilderment and curiosity painted Lance's face. "There's a legend?"
"Yep. People say that those who get Hanahaki Byou are descendants of Aphrodite, the goddess of love."
"So you're a goddess?"
She laughed at that. "No, not quite. That means that our family is made up of special people, graced with unfathomable feelings of love."
"Wow...that's really cool!"
"Yeah, it is..." She looked conflicted, like something was bothering her. "Now come on. It's time for bed. I can tell you're tired." She smiled as she picked him up and carried him to his bed.
"Can you stay with me tonight, Val?" Lance's doe eyes stared up at her in an attempt to get her to stay.
"...Sure, I'll stay with you."
As they slowly drifted to sleep, Lance thought of his love for his family. I really love them, especially Valencia. He would cherish that night, for she isn't usually willing to stay with him. He was happy that he had her, even if it was only for spring break.
That time ended sooner than he thought.
It was the day Hunk came over to ask if Lance wanted to hang out with him. Hunk was his best friend ever since kindergarten, they were like cousins. It wasn't uncommon for him to come over and ask to play. Hunk was a caring person, and that made Lance want to tell him all his problems. He was just inviting like that. But as much as he really wanted to (and he did) he couldn't tell anyone about the petals. I promised Valencia.
His Mama and Papa had gone to work. The rest of his family had gone out, doing extra curricular activities or something else. That left the house empty except for his younger twin siblings, Josie and Alejándro, Val, and him, so he was free to go.
He decided to go out for a few hours, wishing his brother and sisters goodbye.
As much as he wanted to, he didn't tell Hunk about the flowers. He thinks Hunk could tell he was a bit uneasy, because he noticed him sending glances his way.
By the time he got back home, the sun was setting. He told Hunk goodnight and promised to talk to him tomorrow. As he entered the house, he noticed that the twins were playing, hearing them yell from down the hall. Atleast they aren't fighting. After seeing the dirt all over him, he realized he really needed to wash up after playing outside.
As he headed towards the bathroom, he saw a trail of blood lead towards his destination. Alarms went off in his head, telling him that something was wrong. Quickly running and pushing the door open, he saw his sister.
She was laying on the tile flooring, covered in lilies and carnations. Blood pooled around her, staining everything. Her skin, her clothes, the flowers. Everything was a deep maroon color. She was smiling, peacefully staring at the wall. Like she was happy to have gone this way.
Lance screamed, falling to the floor to shake her motionless body.
"Josie, call Mama!!"
Please, Valencia. I love you so much.
It was then that he realized the price of love for his family. The threat that his blood carried.
...descendants of Aphrodite...
He remembers how much he cried after her death. She was right. He really did love too much, stronger than others.
The doctors asked if anyone else in the family had had the disease before. His mother cried, saying how she had it when she was younger, but it went away once his father had confessed to her. She never thought that it would carry down to her children.
The next few months carried on without Lance's smiles, jokes, and laughter. He was almost completely silent.
Everyone assumed it was because of the strong bond he had with her. Which was partly true. But no one knew how much Lance blamed himself. If only he had told someone instead of keeping it a secret. If only he had said that he loved her more, she would have gotten surgery, and stayed with him.
It was all his fault.
He researched the disease everyday, finding out every little thing about it. The stages of the flowers. The types of medications used on it. The stages of the surgeries. It was like an obsession. He wants to be prepared for it if it ever happens again. He wants to help this time.
He decided within himself to never fall in love. It'll only cause pain. You know what will happen. Why is it worth it?
He remembers what she told him.
"...Loving someone is worth the pain..."
He pushes that thought deep down in his mind.
He had a few crushes over time. But they were only crushes. He liked them. He never loved them. He made sure. Within time, he got over them. As it should be...but why do I feel so empty sometimes?
He covers his fear of love by flirting. Just harmless pickup lines spewed, with no meaning behind them. No one will actually matter to his heart if he keeps it up. It will all pass.
Going to Garrison was one of the biggest fears he had to overcome. He was scared, scared of becoming like his sister. Don't be stupid. You won't let that happen.
He walks the halls and thinks about how many people find love at his age, like his sister. He briefly wonders if he'll find someone. He prays that he won't.
When he first sees Keith at the Garrison, he hates him. Only because he's the top of the class when he doesn't even try. On the outside, he spews about their rivalry, but on the inside, he's fascinated by his gray eyes and biker gloves and natural intelligence. Everything about him screams at Lance. But he overlooks that, and focuses on getting better on everything to beat Keith.
I'm going to surpass him one day.
But as time passes, Keith doesn't pay attention to him. They're suppose to be rivals. I'm suppose to beat his stupid mullet face, but he doesn't even know we're rivals!
By the time Keith drops out, Lance has almost given up on the whole franchise.
Then he's promoted to fighter pilot.
Without Keith there, it almost feels lonely. But he barely notices. He's gotten used to the feeling.
He stares up at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep.
The ceiling looked cold, almost as much as he was.
It's so different from the one at home.
On Earth.
He feels the heartbreak slowly spread as the days go by. He misses his family. For him to suddenly be taken away from his loved ones is painful.
He gets out of bed.
The closest thing he has to home is Blue. She reminds him of the ocean, soothing and rhythmic. He always comes to her when he's feeling homesick. Her voice helps him relax. He really cares a lot about her.
Last week, Allura praised Lance for bonding so quickly and strongly with his lion. It's not much of a surprise.
It's his nature to love strongly and passionately.
It might just be an actual curs-
His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of footsteps entering the hangar. Who would come here this late?
He was currently sitting on the front paw of Blue, his eyes closed, close to falling asleep. He ponders on opening his eyes to see exactly who walked into the hangers, but decides against when he realizes that he doesn't care.
"Lance?"
"Huh?" He opened his eyes to see Keith. Great. He's been getting this wierd feeling around him lately. It makes his whole body tingle. It can't be anything good.
"Keith, what are you doing up this late?"
"I could ask you the same." Lance noted Keith's eye color, how deep it was, how mesmerizing it was to stare into. He does that a lot, notice little things about him. Why do I do that??
Lance sighs. "I just couldn't sleep."
"I know the feeling."
Keith takes a seat on the floor by where Lance's sitting.
"Do you always come out here to sit with Blue?"
"Yeah, she's really good at making me feel better about the whole...homesickness thing." Lance looks up at his lion, feeling their bond.
"You're homesick?"
Lance already starts to feel the sadness course through him.
"Y-Yeah, I guess..."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Well we're not exactly friends Keith...we're rivals..." He's twirling his fingers, looking off to the side. His chest feels wierd.
"What do you mean we're not friends? We had a bonding moment!"
"You still won't get over that?"
He gives Lance a mean glare and crosses his arms.
"Well I'm just saying that if you ever needed someone to talk to...you could always talk...to...me..."
Lance feels his chest tighten. "Really?"
"Really Lance" Keith looks up at Lance, and with that one look alone, something drops in him. Alarms are going off in Lance's head, but he pushes it away for now.
"You know I don't actually hate you Lanc-"
Keith gets the wind knocked out of him by something, it's...Lance hugging him.
"Thank you..."
"No problem." Keith smiles and pats Lance on the back. They sit there for a little while longer. When they let go, they're both feeling even more tired than usual.
They both call it a night and go their seperatly ways. But neither of them will forget that bonding moment.
The next morning, Lance wakes up to labored breaths and a tight chest.
No. Please, No.
He jumps out of bed and sprints to the bathroom.
Don't tell me.
He pulls open the cabinet and picks through the medicine bottles, trying to find the right one.
I tried so hard.
He's full blown panicking right now. He finally finds the right bottle and opens it, pouring two of the caplets into his hand.
It's over.
He takes them dry. A bad mistake. The feeling of them going down his throat is unsatisfying. He just hopes it works.
After taking the pills, he slowly goes back to his bed. He lays down, mind going one hundred miles per hour.
I bring the pills every where I go, I'm too scared to leave them behind. I even brought them with me that night when we rescued Shiro.
The pills are suppose to work within one week. What if they expired because time in the castle is different. What if they don't work and I'll end up like...like Val...
He rubs his eyes with his hands. He's not going to be able to go back to sleep.
The pills are suppose to stop the seeds in him from blossoming.
He knew he was starting to feel wierd.
Val never had the pills, so my case is different. If I keep taking them I should be fine, but what if I run out!?! I can't let anyone know that I have it. So how do I get more of it without alerting anyone? What if they find out and leave me because I can't pilot Blue like this. What if Keith finds out!?!?
Keith...
That emo idiot! All this time, ever since we were in the Garrison. It was always you.
His chest tightens painfully. He won't let the seeds blossom.
He avoids Keith. He knows that if the pills work, nothing should go wrong, but he's too scared to take any chances.
He just hoped Keith didn't notice. Or anyone noticed.
But his hope was withered away when Keith cornered him one day after a training session.
"Why are you avoiding me?" Keith was standing between him and the door. Everyone else had already left the room, meaning they were alone.
This is bad. Really bad.
"I don't know what your talking about, Keithy-boy, now if you excuse me, I have to get my beauty sleep!" Lance nervously laughed a little, and tried to get by Keith.
"Ugh, fine" Keith moved out of Lance's way. "But the team has been really worried about you. You're acting differently."
It's true. Lance could hardly get any sleep for fear of waking up gasping for air. He was paranoid all the time, scared that the seeds would blossom at any second if he wasn't careful.
"I'm fine, just a little tired this week is all." It's not a lie. He smiled reassuringly.
Keith stared at him for a moment, trying to see if he could detect a lie. Satisfied with Lance's answer, he relaxed a bit.
"Ok, I get it." Keith still look sceptical, but dropped it. Lance visibly deflated.
Jeez, that was a close one. He noticed his lungs were starting to burn as he walked away from Keith. His cheeks were red.
He cares?
No, stop it. Stop thinking about him.
Lance hurried to his room. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding as he sank on the mattress. He didn't feel like changing out of his paladin armor, he didn't have the energy. But he stood up anyways.
Only after putting comfortable clothes on did he realize just how exhausted he really was. He felt peaceful as he slowly drifted into sleep. He forgot all about the threat in his lungs as he fell into his dreams.
He resurfaced onto a bed of flowers. They were soft, delicate bright red things. Pretty, like Keith. His name seemed to make the flowers grow. They looked furious as they stretched towards him. Fear struck him as he realized he couldn't move.
Thick vines wrapped around his arms, holding him in place. They crawled up his legs, reaching his chest. Tears flowed down the sides of his eyes. No, please. He was scared out of his mind.
He turned his head to see a figure lying in their own flowers, but these were withering. A choked sob came from him mouth as he realized that it was her. Valencia... The lilies were wilting except for the ones that were growing from the open hole in her chest, sprouting from her lungs. She still had that smile stuck on her face, choosing death over the loss of love. He screamed when her body withered along with the flowers.
The flowers were now burying him. The vines had grown to his neck. He tried to scream before they dived down his throat, choking him. He gurgled on his own blood as his lungs were being torn apart. All he saw was red.
He woke up screaming.
His insides were burning, screaming for him to run. He could hear Blue's panicked voice, trying to sooth him. It worked slowly, gradually bringing him back to reality. He was sobbing loudly, trying to tell himself that it was just a dream. His chest hurt more than it had before.
He kept rocking back and forth, listening to Blue's voice. When he finally stopped crying, it was hours later. It was just a dream. He knew he couldn't go back to sleep, even if he tried.
It had been a while since he had a dream about her. He used to get nightmares on Earth, screaming as he woke up. His Mama always came in to comfort him, telling him how loved he is, and how everything is going to be okay. She stayed with him as long as he needed her to. Eventually, the nightmares turned into dreams. He didn't wake up in the middle of the night anymore. He had occasional nights where he would wake up silently crying after seeing Valencia in one of his dreams. But they weren't nightmares, not anymore.
He slowly rose out of his bed, making his way into his bathroom. He saw the bottle of pills he had been taking daily, securing the seeds in his lungs, sitting on the sink. It was almost like it was calling him. He was so scared. I need more. I can't let it spread. I can't end up like her.
A voice of protest sounded in his mind. Blue was trying to convince him to lay back down, worry threaded through her tone. He ignored her.
He took nine pills, feeling safer after he swallowed them down with water from the sink. See, you took extra doses, it won't spread no matter what.
He remembers going back to his room, slowly climbing under the covers. He doesn't remember much else after that.
When Lance woke up, his chest was burning with pain. He slowly rose out of bed, wondering if Allura would let him stay in his room all day. He felt horrible. And the others would probably be able to tell.
Why was his chest hurting so much?
The images from last night came to his mind, reminding him about the dream. Man, was he glad that his room was practically soundproof. Or else he would have a lot of explaining to do to cover up the screams he made.
He pushed the feeling in his chest away as he made his way to the kitchen.
"Morning sleepy head." Oh no. Lance snorted as he turned towards Keith, seeing the rest of the paladins at the table eating breakfast. "You slept late."
"Yeah Lance, how long do you need to sleep? It's like you go into hibernation."
"Atleast I sleep, Pidge. You haven't slept for weeks."
"Alright, settle down." Shiro sighed, presumably tired of the daily bickering. "We have a team training exercise today, so make sure to eat breakfast. That includes you Lance." Shiro gestured towards the seat across from him at the table, as if telling him to sit there. Right next to Keith. No way is he sitting next to him. His chest hurts just from looking at him.
He grabs a bowl of green space goo and takes the seat beside Hunk instead, realizing he didn't really have the appetite for food right now.
"Alright paladins! We have an extensive training exercise for improving your fighting skills today." Allura walks into the room, already wearing her paladin suit.
Great. Training. He really wanted to leave, feeling claustrophobic with Keith in the room. He couldn't breath.
He knew training wasn't a good idea. They're fighting one on one in pairs, practicing the use of their bayards. And of course, he gets paired with Keith.
He exhales deeply, trying to calm the tightness of his chest.
The simulation begins with Keith charging for Lance, sword in hand. He knows Lance's gun is for long range, so he brings the battle up close and personal. The closer he gets to him, the more Lance can see the defined features of his face.
"Is that all you got, pretty boy?"
"Pretty boy? Is that my new nickname?" Keith strikes Lance's shield.
Lance's face heats up as he realizes what he called him. His body screams for air, but his lungs aren't working.
The way determination fills Keith so quickly is captivating. Lance goes to shoot but has to block the sword with his own bayard. He's driven back by the impact. The fighting goes on for about five more minutes before Keith takes Lance out. He's on a completely different level. I can't beat him.
They go again and again, but Keith wins every time. He really needs to step up his game. Part of the reason why he's doing so horrible is because he can't help but to catch Keith's eyes, focused and deep. The coil tightens, laboring his breath.
By the end of training, he feels dizzy and close to passing out. Probably because of those stupid flowers.
He leaves the training room, happy to breath easier with Keith out of his sight.
He decides he's too tired to hang out with Coran today, so he goes straight to his room. He usually hangs out with him after training, but today he's feeling too worn out. He'll apologize tomorrow, when he's feeling better.
It happens again.
The gasping for air after waking up from a bloodbath. The calm voice sliping into his mind. But it's a bit too much to stay in his room.
He walks the long hallways of the castle with no real destination. But somehow he ends up in the hangars, slowly trudging over to Blue. He falls asleep peacefully with Blue comforting him, without his new nightmares to haunt him. He'd really rather sleep there every night than sleep in his room.
Thanks Blue.
It happens one night when Lance is staring up at ceiling. It's too bland. Everything in his room was too bland. A few colors here and there, but was dull for the most part.
He never like dull things, he always like the lively, bright colors. The ones that hurt your eyes to look at for too long. Like red.
He likes the color red. It was the color of fiery passion. Burning with resolve. It was also the color of love. He liked that part of it the most. Strong love, the kind that's affectionate and heated.
But his favorite thing about the color red was Keith.
Keith, the hotheaded, intelligent, socially awkward, beautiful, red paladin.
The boy that has deep eyes, so deep that you could drown in them. The boy that is good at everything, except social situations. The boy that can't express emotions well, but cares underneath it all.
He realizes it in that moment.
I like Keith.
He finds out the real truth soon enough. It only takes a fight with the Galra.
Lance is shooting down drone after drone, alone. He's suppose to be the distraction. There's only a few of them left.
Why can't I ever go on the actual mission with them? Why am I always the distraction? Am I that expendable? Am I tha-
Lance screeches as he's hit in the back of the sholder. He got distracted. Adrenaline full force, he turns and shoots the last Galra soldier, falling on his knees once he's done.
He hears concerned yelling in the comms.
"We're coming Lance, just hold on!"
Before they get to him, he blacks out from the pain.
When he wakes up, he's falling into Keith's arms.
"Lance!"
He fell out of a healing pod. He pushes himself up, coughing as he feels his lungs contract.
"Keith?"
"Yeah, it's me. Are you okay? You were in the pod for a few days."
"Oh...have you been waiting here for me to get out?"
Keith's face flushes a bit. "Y-Yeah, I was just worried..."
"Mullet boy was worried about me?" Lance gives a sly smile.
"S-Shut up..." Keith looks away, arms crossed, sulking like a lost puppy. Lance shoves down the urge to cough and laughs instead.
He cares? About me?
"Did you really miss me?"
Keith looks up at him, surprised. "Of course I did, you idiot, you could have died! I was so worried!"
"Really?"
"Yes!"
Something opens in Lance's chest, expanding. It makes it's way into the back of his throat, begging to come out. It leaves Lance in coughing fits, grabbing his chest as he shakes.
"Lance, are you okay?" Keith looks scared. It only makes the flower bloom more, slowly spreading out.
"Y-Yeah, I just need a d-drink of water." Lance stands up straight, trying not to cough again.
"Are you sure?" Keith looks uncertain, still grabbing his arm to steady him. He needs to get away from him, it's only making things worse.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm gonna go change into my clothes and I'll be back." He gives a reassuring smile. Just like the one his sister gave him.
He runs to his room, coughing as he opens the door.
He can still hear Blue's panicked voice in his head, but he tunes her out.
There's something trying to come out of his throat. He feels pins and needles pick at his lungs, forcing him to his knees. He coughs and coughs until finally a small, red petal falls into his hands.
He screams.
Tears are streaming down his face as he sobs.
...curse you, Aphrodite...
He loves Keith.
He doesn't sleep. How can he when his nightmares threaten to become reality?
Lance lays in his bed all night, staring at the wall in his room. His lights are off, urging him to go to sleep, but it's hopeless. He's twirling the petal with his fingers. It's a small, dark thing, fluttering out of his mouth only hours ago. He brings it up to his face, staring intently. It's a deep maroon color with a purple tone. A visual representation of who he loves.
He breathes slowly.
He used to tell himself that he would never fall in love, and that if he did, he would always remove the cursed flowers. He would rather live with the memories of who he loved forever erased than die with bittersweet, one-sided love.
But he thinks about all the memorable times with Keith. All the meaningless arguments, the teamwork in battles, the training sessions, the bonding moments.
A part of him doesn't want to forget.
He knows that he promised himself to get surgery. He knows that he shouldn't fail Voltron, that he still has a responsibility as a paladin. He knows that he promised his family to always come back home.
But he can't find it in him to care about anything else other than the little parts of Keith that he misses.
He doesn't want to forget.
When he finally falls asleep, he dreams of Keith. Something I'll never have.
He's reaching out for him when millions of petals fall, almost like the rain he misses so much.
He's drowning again, but this time he accepts his fate, forever indebted to the goddess of love.
He feels the stem pierce his throat, and he reaches into his mouth to slowly pull it out.
It was in this moment that he found himself choosing to choke in his dreams than to live in reality.