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“Literally all I want you to do is mix this. That’s it .”
“I mean, okay, but I could easily do more than that.”
Taako handed him the bowl with the dry ingredients in it.
“Yeah, you could,” he huffed, “but I don’t want you to.”
“Okay okay. Whatever you want to do.”
Magnus set the bowl on the counter and grabbed the whisk from the caddy. When he had offered to help Taako with his baking, he hadn’t expected that Taako would actually let him. Normally Taako was very secretive when he cooked, getting up at 2 am to mess around in the kitchen. It would all be gone by the time he got out of bed, magicked or thrown away, but the smell would still linger. And the dishes. Taako never did the dishes.
Magnus had come to accept it. Taako was a private person, and cooking was his private thing.
So when Magnus had walked in on him cooking in the daytime and had asked if he could help, he was surprised the elf agreed.
I mean, he was barely helping, but it was something.
Taako did all the measuring, the pouring, the recipe reading. Magnus stood by and held what he asked him to hold. That was fine, but he felt useless just holding measuring cups and bowls, and had insisted that he be allowed to help with something.
Magnus watched as Taako poured the wet ingredients into his dry bowl, and then pointed with a lazy finger.
“There. Don’t spill.”
Magnus put the whisk into mess and began to stir.
He folded the liquid into the powder. Round and round . Slowly. He wasn’t much of a cook, but he could stir. Round and round . He felt himself getting into a rhythm, round and round. This wasn’t so hard. Round and round . He was about to comment, when he lazily looked down at the bowl.
The shock of it all had not quite worn off yet.
Seeing his battered hand with only three fingers.
His rhythm stuttered, and he slopped a little of the mix out of the bowl.
“Fuck, Mags,” Taako tutted from behind, “I asked you to do one thing.”
Magnus couldn’t answer him.
He was frozen in place.
The truth of it was, he hadn’t been thinking at the time. He had just done it. Sure, it was just a finger, and it was just one thing out of so many things that they had given up. Nameless things. Unspeakable things. Of all the sacrifices, it had been the smallest thing he had given.
But it was also the easiest one to see.
“Hey… hey Magnus.” Taako put a hand on his shoulder. “I was kidding man. You okay bud?”
“Y… yeah!” Magnus replied, jolting back into reality, “Absolutely!”
“You know, that shit looks really well mixed,” Taako said, moving his hand down the fighter’s arm delicately. “You can take a break. Have a seat.”
“No I…” Magnus sighed. “I want to help.”
The hardest part about coming back from Wonderland had been getting back to normal .
Normal felt wrong now. Normal felt twisted. Little things for all of them had suddenly become monumental tasks. They had all been shattered and put back together.
The only thing keeping them in one piece was…
“I know, big guy,” Taako said, lacing his fingers overtop of Magnus’. “Come on, I’ll find something else for you to do.”
Taako pulled him gently away from the counter.
Magnus was angry with himself for not being able to do this one simple thing. He looked down at the floor in shame, but felt Taako squeeze his hand gently.
“I always make extra in case I spill some, it’s no big deal,” Taako said, leaning forward so that he could be seen in Magnus’ downward glance.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, trying his best not to make eye contact. He felt terrible. “I don’t know what happened.”
That was a lie of course.
They both knew what had happened.
It happened to Taako too. One too many times had Magnus been woken up to the sounds of sobs in the bathroom. Of Taako, staring into the mirror for as long as he could stand it, just letting tears fall. Magnus had tried comforting him one time, but that only seemed to make it worse.
Merle wasn’t much for crying. He showed it in different ways. Late nights pruning his bonsai until they were snipped down to stumps. Magnus had offered to make something from the wood, but Merle had just thrown it away. He’d been spending more time hanging around other Bureau members, ordering drinks and just generally trying to forget that he felt anything .
And Magnus felt it too of course. Late nights, trying to remember something that he knew he had intentionally forgotten. Trying not to think about the years he had given up so hastily, because, fuck it, he didn’t think he’d live that long anyway . And his moment of bad luck .
It had been so much to take on alone.
He looked up, and Taako was still staring at him.
Only one thing was keeping them together.
Taako had given up his beauty, but Magnus still wasn’t sure what that meant. Taako still looked beautiful , he was just a bit less otherworldly than he was before. A little more human. His freckles were clearer now, his eyes a little more tired. Maybe for an elf that was ‘ugly’, but to Magnus’ standards he seemed to glow.
And his eyes were still as gorgeous as the first time he saw them.
They finally made eye contact, and Taako put a hand to Magnus’ cheek.
They had kissed twice before this.
The first time was really early on. Shortly after Magnus saved his life in the Bureau's trial by jumping off the catwalk to Taako’s rescue. Taako was used to big strong guys coming in to rescue him. He looked like he could be taken down by a stiff breeze (hell, maybe he could), and that riled up protective instincts in those muscle headed fighters. Taako had known that on some level, this was because most of them thought of him as…
But not Magnus.
Magnus hadn’t come to his rescue because he was a damsel in distress. To Magnus, it was just the right thing to do.
Taako had kissed him that night, as they settled into their new dorm, looking for a way to thank him. He had put his arms around Magnus’s neck. He had made an offer that seemed reasonable, and Magnus was a handsome enough guy. It made perfect sense to Taako, but Magnus had pushed him away.
“I’m really flattered, but I’m not ready for this.”
Taako had persisted for a little. He had gotten undressed, had made himself ready, but Magnus shied away from his touch. Once he realized things were getting uncomfortable for Magnus, he backed off, and nothing more was said about it.
Magnus still thought about that night often.
Taako tried not to think of it at all.
The second time was after Refuge.
They had both had far too much to drink and far too much to deal with after the Chalice’s offer. Suddenly they had found themselves tangled in Magnus’ bed, alight with the joy and sadness of their survival. They found themselves revisiting that offer made what had seemed like a lifetime ago.
This time, Magnus was ready for this. He wanted to hold on and keep holding on. He wanted to love Taako with all of his strength. He felt cursed with the burden of living, of regretted moments that he wished he could go back to. He wanted to feel something, and Taako was the only thing left that made him feel alive.
“I do want this Taako. I want you.”
Taako, on the other hand, hadn’t wanted anyone specific. He moved away every time Magnus went in for a kiss, letting him lay pecks into his cheek and jaw and neck, but never where Magnus wanted to be. He wanted this, the feeling of another being pressed against him, but he couldn’t bring himself to face what that meant head on. He couldn’t cast Magnus in a role that was still raw and bleeding from the truth.
He wanted to be loved, but he had no interest in loving back.
It was only after they had both been spent that he allowed Magnus to kiss him, before the fighter had fallen asleep. A moment of tenderness that he regretted almost immediately. He couldn’t open himself up, not after what he had been through. Taako crept out as soon as Magnus had begun to snore.
They only remembered a little of it.
But they did remember it.
They had both been on sides of not ready for this . And now, after Wonderland, the question hung in the air.
Were they ready now ?
Magnus felt Taako move his fingers delicately through his sideburns. His nails dragged lightly against his skin.
“It’s just some cake batter Magnus, we can always make more.”
Magnus realized almost a moment too late that he was crying. He put a hand to his cheek, enveloping Taako’s delicate hand.
“I know,” he whispered, “I just feel like I wasted it.”
There was so much to unpack there.
“It’s not even a big deal,” Taako replied, trying to smile. “It’s not like I was baking for a reason . Just for funsies. It’s not a big deal, I probably would have thrown it out afterwards anyway.”
Magnus leaned into Taako’s hand. His tears felt hot on his face.
“I ruin everything.”
Taako furrowed his brow and put his other hand to Magnus’ face.
“Listen - hey! Magnus listen!” he cried, squeezing the fighter’s cheeks between his hands. “You didn’t ruin anything. You couldn’t. You’re too damn…” he trailed off, lost for words.
Magnus leaned down, putting his forehead to Taako’s.
The part that had been the hardest to deal with… was that he had been ready to die.
In that moment, that moment where he stared into the blackness of the Astral Plane, he had resigned himself. If he was honest, living to 42 had never been in the plan anyway. So dying there, in that moment, wasn’t too different than what he had expected. Sure, it was happening a little differently, but there was something so relieving about the thought.
He wouldn’t have to fight anymore.
But Taako still had a lot of fight left in him.
Magnus knew a lot about Taako that Taako hadn’t told him. Taako didn’t talk about himself much, but Magnus was great at reading people. He saw a lot, but hadn’t said much. He had seen the way that Taako moved food around on a plate to make it look like there was less and less. He had seen the faded scars, far too uniform and clustered to be from battle, that graced his arms and legs. He had seen the ring he wore on his pinkie, which he twisted when he was nervous, like he thought everyone could see through the enchantment it had. He had seen the face that Taako made when he felt scared, like he was a child and the world was coming down around him.
Taako would never admit this, but he was a survivor .
He had been through shit and somehow come out the other end, not whole but alive .
And he had said it wasn’t Magnus’ time.
If Taako could live through this, Magnus could too.
“Thanks,” Magnus said. Thanks for saving me , he thought.
“No problem,” Taako answered. “Literally any time.”
They stared at each other, holding their breath.
Then Magnus rushed in.
Truth be told, he had always been a bad kisser. He was a little too eager and a little too sloppy. He was always in such a rush to just make contact, to feel skin against skin, that he sometimes seemed like he was trying to mash himself into his partner. His intensity and heat was all he had. If he stopped, if he thought about it… he’d talk himself out of it.
Taako didn’t kiss with that mad insanity. He was deliberate. Calculating. He withdrew himself with gentle pushes, gasping for air.
Magnus tried to read Taako’s face. He knew that each encounter they had was a new situation with new rules, but he hoped that he had read this one correctly.
“Is this okay?” Magnus asked, realizing in a panic that he may have gone too far.
Taako looked Magnus in the eye.
Gods were his eyes something.
“Listen darling, I just want to know we’re really on the same page before I-” he paused. “We’re not exactly great at this.”
Magnus slowly nodded, moving his hand to Taako’s face.
“I’m sorry, that was impulsive of me,” Magnus sighed. He brushed a bit of hair from Taako’s face. “But I… I want to do whatever you want to do Taako. Whatever that is… I want to do it.”
Taako averted his gaze.
“ Fuck , I’ve never been good at this whole… romance thing.”
“That’s cool, I’m out of practice too.”
Taako shook his head. “No I mean… I’m fickle... There’s no guarantee I won’t run at the first sign of trouble.”
Magnus recalled waking up hungover and alone, confused as to what he had done wrong. It took a few days for him to totally understand what had happened. To put together the pieces of their interaction. He had wanted him… but Taako had just wanted not to be alone for a moment.
He had been hurt, but he had understood.
They weren’t ready.
“Taako… I’m okay with that,” Magnus answered. “I wouldn’t want you to be any way than the way you are. But… I hope I’m not too much trouble.”
Taako kissed his nose, and Magnus smiled.
“Oh no, you’re way too much trouble,” Taako laughed, “But... I’m not feeling like running.”
They stared at each other again, looking over each other’s faces for a sign that this… wasn’t a fantasy. A sign from each other that this was okay , that they were going to be okay.
They had lost so much in Wonderland.
But they had gained something too.
“What can I do?” Magnus asked.
It was open ended. The last two times, they fucked it up. They had only half listened, and they both had regrets. He only wanted to go forward this time if they both were happy with it. If Taako just wanted him to go back to helping with the baking, he would do that.
He’d do anything Taako asked.
The silence in the kitchen seemed to go on forever.
Magnus could see that look in his eyes again, that fight or flight response that was the essence of Taako’s being. Magnus found himself removing his hands from where they had found purchase on Taako’s cheek, Taako’s shoulder. He didn’t want to give the impression that he had expectations.
Whatever you want to do .
“Can… Can I get you to grease the pan?”
Tension released.
“Absolutely,” Magnus smiled. “Butter or oil?”
Taako scoffed. “Butter obviously, we aren’t savages .”
Magnus nodded, and moved over to the cake pan without a word.
Whatever you want to do.
Giving up ten years of his life may have been the worst mistake he had ever made.
That was ten years he wasn’t going to get to spend with him.
He turned to face Taako, who had an expression of relief. Magnus pointed at the pan on the counter.
“Can you pass me-”
He was cut off mid-request with Taako’s lips pressed against his.
Magnus didn’t try to respond with his usual intensity. He did his best to mimic. He let Taako kiss him, let him set the pace. He didn’t open his mouth until Taako opened his. Kept his tongue back until he felt Taako’s. Left his teeth out of it until Taako bit his lip.
Whatever you want to do .
“Magnus-” Taako gasped, pulling back.
“You good?” Magnus asked, threading his hands into Taako’s hair. “Please tell me we’re good.”
Taako didn’t say anything, but he started playing with the collar of Magnus’ shirt. He had a look that Magnus couldn’t exactly parse. It looked like ones he had seen before. One part the first night. One part the second.
“Taako,” Magnus whispered. “I won’t go any further unless you say you want this. I don’t want… we should both be comfortable.”
Another long pause.
“I do want this.”
Consent given, Magnus rushed back in.
They stumbled from the kitchen, almost not breathing as they pulled their shirts over their heads. Taako pushed his bedroom door open with his foot, and they tumbled in, entwined in each other’s arms immediately.
Taako found purchase in Magnus’ chest, huge and hairy. He curled his fingers into the forest of hair as Magnus ran his hands up and down his arms. Taako was soft in all the ways that Magnus was not. Magnus was rough, scratchy. His beard. His voice. His fingers. His hair. He was like sandpaper, and Taako couldn’t help but wonder how someone so gentle ended up this way.
And he was gentle. Lowering Taako down onto the bed like he was afraid he would break.
Maybe he would.
Taako was soft skin and smooth hair and a lilting voice with no rough edges. Magnus buried his face into the curve of his neck, kissing like Taako would shatter.
Maybe he would.
Taako threaded his fingers into Magnus’ greying hair. They were alive. They were alive and together. They had made it so far.
They had lost so much.
“Magnus please…” Taako whispered, “Please tell me…”
“I love you,” Magnus said, smiling into his kiss. “I love you so much.”
His fingers curled tighter into Magnus’ hair, causing the small ponytail he had pulled it into to start coming undone.
Taako felt like he was coming undone too.
“ Why .”
Magnus pulled away. He was on all fours over Taako, burly arms holding him aloft over the bed. A stray lock of hair, no longer bound by the confines of his ponytail, fell into his face. It was grey.
“Because it’s you .”
He lowered back down, putting his forehead to Taako’s.
“I love everything about you.”
Magnus knew that Taako had a hard time accepting that. It had taken him awhile to accept it too. He had known that he was attracted to Taako since the beginning, but that was different than love. Love was something he had minimal experience with. From the sound of things, Taako did too.
But he was familiar with the feeling . The feeling of wanting to be so wholly intertwined from a person that you could no longer separate yourself from them. The feeling of seeing them and knowing you would die for them. The feeling of knowing they’d die for you too.
The paradox of knowing neither of you could stand to lose each other, but you’d be willing to lose yourself.
Taako should know that he felt that way about him.
“I love your smile,” Magnus whispered. “I love your eyes .”
“Magnus…”
He kissed Taako on the cheek. “I love the way you’re always thinking so far ahead.” He kissed his forehead. “I love how your face lights up when you’ve come up with a plan.”
He moves down slowly, making sure to press kisses on his way down. Taako released a sigh.
“...what else do you like?”
Magnus smiled as he kissed into Taako’s collarbone. A little rough, he could see a mark beginning to form in the elf’s fragile skin. From the sound of Taako’s shaking voice, though, he didn’t seem to mind.
“I love the way you look when you’re casting a spell.” He kissed down Taako’s sternum. “You have this… intensity. It’s incredibly attractive.”
Taako was moving his hands again, caressing Magnus’ arms, chest, back… anything within reach.
“You’re so beautiful,” Magnus paused. He found himself over the matching scars just under Taako’s chest. He kissed them both. Fragile.
They were all so fragile.
“W-wait.”
He paused again, looking at Taako.
Taako was crying, but also smiling.
Another paradox.
“I… I’m not…”
Magnus stopped, enveloping the elf in his arms, pressing down on him.
“You are.”
Taako shook his head, pressing himself into the curve of Magnus’ neck.
Magnus knew that Taako wasn’t used to praise. He was familiar with criticism. He was familiar with ridicule and complaints. He was familiar with abuse.
He couldn’t understand praise.
Magnus resolved in that moment that he would spend the rest of his life, however long it was, making Taako understand that he was worthy of praise.
That he was so good .
That his goodness had saved them both.
Taako began to curl up, and Magnus knew that this was as far as they were going tonight.
That was okay.
Whatever you want to do.
He rolled off of Taako and curled beside him, smiling.
“I’m sorry,” Taako whispered.
Magnus shook his head.
“ Why .”
“I warned you… I’m fickle.”
Magnus put an arm around Taako.
“I told you, I’m okay with that.”
And he was.
They stayed like that for an hour or so. Not talking, not doing anything, but gently touching each other and smiling. There would be other times for other things. Fourth and fifth and sixth times. There would be many more opportunities to share how they felt. And that was okay.
Because regardless of time, Magnus wasn’t going to waste any more of it.
Taako wasn’t either.
Whatever you want to do .