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As Kaneki sprinted down the halls of the massive (not quite) abandoned warehouse, he focused on one goal. It was the goal that had managed to get him to keep running after tripping over his stupid sparkly heels. After ripping a massive slit up the thigh of his dress. After losing his veil - AKA the entire reason he was wearing this stupid thing.
What was his goal, you ask?
Murdering Tsukiyama Shuu.
Originally, it had sounded like a good idea. This may of had something to do with the lack of other ideas. You see, Kaneki’s crew KNEW that Aogiri was up to something in the factory district. However, they didn’t know WHAT and didn’t know how to get in.
The entire industrial sector was basically abandoned, but security still patrolled to prevent squatters (or ghouls, not that they’d succeeded with that) from taking over. There was no way a civilian could just stroll in. Even passage over the rooftops would prove difficult with the sheer number of security cameras and potential doves lying in wait.
They had no idea how Aogiri had created a nest there. Tsukiyama had suggested money, passable human IDs, and muttered something about how German ghouls used to use ancient tunnel systems in castles (though Kaneki preferred not to think about how he knew that). Kaneki didn’t want to use Tsukiyama’s family connections in a similar way - there was a huge risk of Aogiri backlash against them.
Faced with a lack of options, the suggestion had come up.
“There’s a wedding hall a few blocks from the factories. No gentleman would try to stop a runaway bride from hiding from a hideous groom, non?”
Tsukiyama called someone in to tailor the dress. He tailored the story himself and, to Kaneki’s utter bewilderment, already had shoes prepared in his size (he did not hear Tsukiyama’s whisper of “step on me” seconds after trying them on, no siree).
“You are the lovely Kaneko, first daughter of your family!”
Tsukiyama had announced, pulling a flower from seemingly nowhere and tossing the petals over the dress that had just arrived,
“Your parents are from the main branch of your family and you must marry whom they choose!”
He continued (blatantly stealing the plot of a shoujo manga),
“The first daughter always marries into new money, the second daughter for love, and the youngest one of five connected families!”
Kaneki eyed the dress dubiously as Tsukiyama burst into song,
“But oh, what tragedy, you never had even a marriage interview! Someone had bought you from the start! An old ugly man who will never win your heart~”
The dress was pearlescent white, its back entirely filled by lace panelling, and the skirt was soft smooth fur. It was clearly a luxury item and he supposed it would keep him warm, but how was he going to sneak in it?
“His hair is all gone, he sweats all the time, his skin is a travesty! He intends to keep you on a strict diet to maintain your beauty, all while planning to have 5 kids with you! That’s 5 times at least that you’ll have to sleep with this man, oh, Kaneko, my poor darling…”
It actually fit him more loosely than he’d expected. Like his battlesuit, it had stretch in all the right places despite the furry skirt and train. It even had these neat little pockets in the chest…
“You begged your parents not to make you get married, however they dragged you to the church! You had finally resigned yourself, accepting your fate, when you realized that the priest was your ex-lover!”
Oh! They were for the weird (clever) jelly pads in the same box as the shoes. Huh, he could have cleavage, couldn’t he? Some more lace in the chest would cover up irregularities…
“His face went as white as your dress when he saw you. Your ex-lover still loved you! Oh, mon dieu, you love him too!”
Was there any makeup in that box?
“Just before the ring was placed on your finger, right before the ‘I do’, you couldn’t take it any longer. You fled into the streets, knocking the ring from your husband-to-not-be’s hand and down the aisle!”
There was (he’d always wanted to play with his mother’s makeup kit)!
“You ran and ran and ran…until you found the factories. You had heard that monster’s terrible breathing behind you for the first block, had heard your parents screaming after you for two, and you knew you had to hide!”
Kaneki tapped Tsukiyama, interrupting his monologue,
“Where’s the veil?”
He asked, hoping maybe, just maybe, he could hide his face.
“It’s in the church I’m going to marry you in.”
Tsukiyama promptly replied (then passed out, bleeding from the nose, onto the floor at Kaneki’s feet…he made sure to keep his glittering shoes out of the mess).
Anyway, the suggestion had gotten him into the Aogiri compound. However, it had also gotten him into the heart of General Tatara and whatever the hell Noro was. Kaneki had run away from them and straight into Eto’s library. Then he gained another admirer, ran harder, and tore his dress.
He would rather not think about how much faster (more ferocious) the chase had gotten then. Or how he’d seen another general bury her face into the ripped fabric.
Nope, not going there (except for in his nightmares).
The Doves joining in on the chase from wherever they’d been hiding (Kaneki had no idea where he was now, let alone why anyone would be there) had only made things worse. Accelerating (he’d heard the man with the motorcycle asking him to make miso soup and just…nope, not going there) had caused him to trip on his heels, down some stairs, and straight into someone’s arms.
That someone was awfully familiar and Kaneki was SO GRATEFUL his veil was covering his face. As their cross poked sharply into Kaneki’s outstretched hand, he dazedly mumbled,
“I guess the priest really is my lover in this scenario.”
Causing the Dove he’d fought twice before to turn scarlet and nearly drop him. When Kaneki clung on in a moment of panic (twisting his hands into the front of his shirt and tightening his legs around the Dove’s waist), the man shivered and whispered,
“I’m not a priest, but I could get my license for-”
Kaneki threw his veil over the guys face. Then, swiftly as possible, he fled. Again.
One of the members of the infamous Washuu family was near the gates of the industrial district. His eyes zeroed in on Kaneki’s fleeing form like he was the one he was meant to be capturing-
“There you are!”
The Washuu called out,
“Come to papa~”
HAD THE CCG FORGOTTEN THEIR ENTIRE ORIGINAL MISSION!?
There were voices headed straight for him, he felt the whisper of a kagune against his back, and his dress was suddenly a LOT shorter than it should be (fuck this, fuck all of this, he had to-).
In a single desperate move, he leapt into the Washuu’s arms. Then, since he was clearly trapped in a shoujo manga, he planted a kiss right on the guy’s lips.
The ensuing infighting allowed him to escape.
“T-s-u-k-i-y-a-m-a~”
He sang, entering their rendevous site with murder on his mind.
“You said you wanted me to STEP ON YOU, right? How about I step on you fucking neck-”