Chapter Text
Friday 10th March- 21:30 pm.
Remus stood at his wardrobe looking into the mirror on the back of the door. He sighed as he ruffled his hair in an attempt to give it more volume. His fringe fell back flat against his forehead exactly where it had been before. He sighed again.
“Look James,” he said, once his friend’s grumbling had petered out. “I know it will probably be corny and you won’t like the music and it will probably fail to meet any of my expectations but I’ve been in London almost six months now and I haven’t been yet and it’s my birthday so we’re going to Heaven. OK?”
“But Mooooooony,” cried James from Remus’ bed, melodramatically throwing an arm over his eyes. “What if a guy tries to hit on me?”
“Well, then you will know the incredible fear I feel every time a girl hits on me at your sports nights,” Remus told him curtly.
The desk chair swivelled round to reveal Peter precariously balancing three shot glasses. He snorted, “No one hits on you, Moony,” he said before adding a “Drink up lads!” as he handed the other two boys a drink.
***
Remus had already been very drunk by the time they had arrived at the club. Despite this, he found himself waiting at the bar trying to get another drink. It was his birthday after all.
He waited patiently at the bar when another man squeezed in next to him. It wasn’t long before the new guy had caught the bartender’s eye and placed his order.
“How’d you do that?” slurred Remus.
“Hmm, what?” shouted the other guy over the thumping music, turning to look at Remus. At this point, drunk Remus noticed what sober Remus would have noticed long before: long sleek black hair, flipped carelessly over one shoulder, tattoos menacingly displayed by a loose sleeveless shirt; and dark piercing grey eyes waiting for a response. Remus’ stomach flip-flopped.
“Um… er… nothing,” Remus shouted back, looking away, face burning. “I guess it’s just good genes,” he smiled sheepishly.
“You bet they are,” the other man shouted grinning wildly. “They’re D&G!” He slapped his own hand over a tightly clad buttock. Remus eyes were drawn down there as well. Whatever ‘dingy’ meant, they were indeed very good jeans, he noted.
At that moment the bartender reappeared with the new guy’s order. “This guy’s next!” he told the bartender, handing over some notes.
Remus ordered his own beverages, and the tattooed man waited with him. “I like your jeans too. Where did you get yours?”
“Er…” Remus said looking down at the denim almost as if he was surprised to see them there. “Dunno. My mum got these I think, so probably Tesco.” As soon as the words had left his mouth, Remus regretted them.
The tattooed man threw back his head, revealing even more tattoos on his neck and laughed loudly. “You are too cute!” he shouted. “Oh shit,” he added as he noticed something over Remus’ shoulder. “I’m really sorry. Some idiot is hitting on my friend over there, she only came out today if we promised her no one would. She’s just been through a horrible break up. Honestly, it’s a GAY bar!” he said, as he moved away from Remus with a little wave. “See you around, Tesco.”
Remus craned his neck to follow the guy with the tight ‘dingy’ jeans with his eyes. He was headed straight towards where James stood leaning on the wall flirting with a very pretty, slightly uncomfortable looking redhead. Dammit James, Remus thought to himself, how do you manage to cockblock me from across the room?
“Hey, are you gonna pay?” shouted the bartender, jolting Remus back to reality where he was not strangling James. To be fair, he told himself, the whole ‘mum bought my jeans from Tesco’ was probably the true culprit here. Not that he’d tell James that.
***
Saturday 11th March- Early hours of the morning.
“All I’m saying, mate,” said James as they left the club. “Is that a crime such as cockblocking must require at least ‘intention’ as mens rea. Therefore, I could not have committed such a crime unknowingly.”
“Piss off James, you can’t just win arguments by using your posh Latin phrases,” said Peter gently knocking his elbow into James side.
“I’m don’t win arguments by using Latin. I win arguments through excellent lawyering,” said James pushing him back and knocking him into Remus.
“Oi! Hey James isn’t that the girl you were hitting on?” he said, nodding his head towards two girls who were standing at the far end of the smoking area.
“Ooh yeah,” said James excitedly. “Come on Moons, go give her your number.”
“What? Why?”
“To give to her friend, you idiot,” said James rolling his eyes. Grabbing onto Remus’ arm he dragged him towards the girls.
“Hey, hey it’s me James,” he shouted far more loudly than necessary. Several people turned around to stare.
“What’s your problem mate? I told you I wasn’t interested,” said the redheaded girl as she dropped her cigarette and stamped it out.
“No, not me. Here this is my friend Remus,” replied James, not at all put out by the girl’s response.
“I’m not interested in a-n-ybody,” she said moving her hand in a circle in front of James to make a point of the last word.
“Look, I’m sorry, he’s drunk,” said Remus hurriedly. “It’s just your friend, with the long hair, tattoos- if I gave you my number could you give it to him?” asked Remus quickly adding a “please.”
“Sirius?” she asked brightly suddenly becoming much more friendly.
“Yeah, yeah, I am serious,” Remus replied relieved. “I mean if he’s not interested, like obviously no pressure. But just in case.”
“Sure! Do you have a pen?”
Remus fished one out of his jacket pocket. “Er. I don’t have any paper.”
“Just write it on my hand, here,” she said extending her arm to him.
***
“Neurghhh,” groaned Lily as she rolled over hitting Mary with a flailing arm. “Neurghhh,” she groaned again as the lights from the almost closed curtains hit her eyes.
“Shut up, Lily, I’m trying to sleep,” scolded Mary as she pulled the duvet over her head.
“Yeah shut up, Lily,” chimed in Sirius from the floor.
“Shut up the both of you,” she rolling back the other way so she was on her front again, arm hanging over the side of the bed.
“What’s on the back of your hand lily?” asked Sirius curiously, sounding far more awake than was reasonable in Lily’s opinion. “I thought you weren’t on the pull last night.”
“What?” asked Lily her voice muffled by the pillow. She lifted her head up and brought her hand up to look at it, “Oh,” she said staring blankly at the number scrawled on the back of it.
“What’s Lily got on her hand?” asked Mary reappearing from under the duvet.
“Someone’s number,” said Sirius sitting up to look at Mary on the other side of Lily. “Do you think it was that guy who was hitting on you at the club?”
“Maybe, I don’t really remember,” mused Lily.
“Oh yeah, his friend gave it to you outside when we were smoking!” said Mary excitedly.
“Ha! Not even brave enough to give it to you himself!” snorted Sirius. “You know what this mean Lils?”
“What?” she asked him sluggishly leaning her head back against the pillow.
“It means we have been given a gift: the perfect opportunity to prank a fuckboy!” he told her enthusiastically.
“Huh?” asked Lily.
“Oooh!” said Mary her eyes bright. “We could sign him up to all sorts of things? Or just hand it out to any other guy who asks for your number?”
“Or,” added Sirius with a coy raise of his eyebrow. “I could catfish him.”
“Catfish him?” asked Lily.
“Yeah, you know pretend to be you, arrange a date, get him all excited and then he will turn up and it will be me!” Sirius explained undeterred.
“What are you going to do then?” asked Mary.
“Well, I haven’t got it all worked out yet. I’ve only just woken up, Mary dearest.”
“HE TEXTED ME!!” Remus roared as he ran down the corridor knocking loudly on Peter’s door.
***
“What the actual fuck mate?” Peter appeared at the door, his duvet over his head.
“He texted me! He texted me!” Remus said more quietly this time, but with the same excitement. Remus ran down the corridor to James room. “PRONGS! PRONGS!” There was no response but his door was unlocked. He ran in and grabbed the sleeping boy by the shoulders, “WAKE UP JAMES!”
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed James.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Remus screamed back.
“Shut up the both of you,” shouted Peter as he slammed the door behind him. “Some girl just came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up. At me!” he said indignantly. “What did he say?”
“What did who say?” asked James.
“THE GUY FROM THE CLUB LAST NIGHT!” Remus practically burst with excitement.
“No way! That’s awesome mate, what did he say?” asked James sitting up. His smile showed he shared his friend’s excitement.
“Here read it!” said Remus, shoving the phone in James’ direction.
“‘Hey handsome, it’s me from the club last night!’ Ooh! He’s really into you Moony, good one!”
“What you’re going to say?” asked Peter, now perching alongside Remus on James’ bed.
“I dunno, ‘hey’?” replied Remus. “Hey! Give it back James.” Remus wrestled the phone out of James’ hand which had already started to write what Remus was sure would be a very embarrassing text.
“You can’t just say ‘hey’, Moony. You need something more interesting to start the conversation,” said Peter sagely.
“Well what?” asked Remus.
“What about ‘Hey sexy beast, wanna fuck?!’?” said James gleefully.
“No,” Remus told him flatly. “I’m just going to say ‘hey’. Look I’m doing it now. Done. Sent. If he wants to carry on the conversation he can, if not then not.”
“But he started the conversation Remus,” said Peter. “It’s your responsibility to continue it, or else it will just die.”
“Well, I’ve done it now,” said Remus sullenly.
“Send something else Moony,” shouted James, falling back against his bed melodramatically. “Don’t murder this conversation! Have mercy please! Have mercy!”
“Alright, alright.”
***
“‘Hey!’ All he said was ‘Hey!’. What’s he playing at?” said Sirius angrily stabbing the last bit of bacon on his plate whilst shaking his phone in the other hand.
“I don’t know Sirius, what were you expecting back?” asked Lily nibbling on some toast, her stomach only feeling a little better after being emptied ten minutes ago.
“I don’t know something more fuckboyish!” said Sirius exasperated, just as his phone vibrated again. “Ooh a double texter,” he exclaimed suddenly cheerful again. “‘How are you?’! ‘How are you?’? This is not what I signed up for when I agreed to catfish him for you.”
“You practically begged her to let you do this!” Mary defended Lily between mouthfuls. “You’re just going to catfish him better.”
“Fine. I will,” he answered back defiantly.
“He’s now asking to tell him more about myself?” said Remus. The boys were now sat on James floor snacking on some bread and jam he had stashed in his room. They had missed breakfast downstairs in the cafeteria. “What should I say?”
“I don’t know. Normal stuff, what you’re studying, what A-levels you did,” said James.
“Do not tell him what A-levels you did,” Peter told him sternly.
***
Sirius’ phone vibrated as he sat down on the upper deck of the bus on his way home from Lily’s halls.
New message from Fuckboy. Received at 11:13am. I’m in my first year at Uni- I’m studying Biomedical Engineering at UCL. Don’t really do much else except sleep and play video games I guess. What about you?
Sirius grinned, and quickly sent an update to Lily and Mary on Facebook before beginning to compose his masterpiece.
Message to 'The Gang' from Sirius Black: He’s such a nerd! I’m going to have so much fun with this!
***
“Oh god!” groaned Remus putting his head into his arms. “He’s an underwear model.”
“Isn’t that like a good thing?” asked James.
“I can’t date a model, James. Look at me,” said the forlorn looking Remus lifting his head from his arms.
“Hey, don’t get ahead of yourself. You’re not dating yet,” said Peter. “What did the rest of the text say?”
“Yeah let’s have a look,” said James, making a dive for the phone.
“Oh no way, I will read it out,” said Remus suddenly distracted from his woes. He cleared his throat “It says: ‘Ooh that sounds interesting. I’m studying History of Art at Courtauld’s. I’m a fresher too. I also do a bit of modelling from time to time. Nothing big, just some lingerie shoots.’”
“Isn’t lingerie, like, girls’ underwear? Bras and things?” asked James looking quite scandalised.
“I dunno, I just thought it was posh for underwear,” shrugged Remus.
“What’s Courtauld’s?” asked Peter.
“The Courtauld Institute,” answered James sagely. “The other university at Somerset House, they only do Art History stuff.”
“Mate, you don’t study at Somerset House. You study in the concrete block next to it,” said Peter. “What’s wrong Remus?”
“I don’t know. I think I’m going to have a shower before I reply see if I can think up anything interesting to say about myself,” said Remus glumly.
***
Remus stepped out of the shower feeling much cleaner although not feeling any more interesting than he had before. He sighed loudly as he wrapped himself in a towel before opening the door to his cold bedroom. Through the steam he saw James standing gleefully, Remus’ phone in one hand and one of Remus’ chocolate covered digestive biscuits in another.
“What have you done, James?” he asked carefully, bile already rising up his oesophagus. “James what have you done?!”
***
Message to The Gang from Sirius Black: Yes! I’ve finally got something fuckboyish out of him!
***
You at 12:04: That’s sexy wanna fuck?
+447877 34038 at 12:06: Sure thing! Always up for some fun with hotties like you. When are you free?
You at 12:15: I’m really, really sorry my friend sent that when I was in the shower. Not that I’m not interested in you or anything, but maybe would you like to go for a drink first?
You at 12:15: Sorry if that was rude.
+447877 34038 at 12:17: Of course, babe. Drinks sounds good, are you free Tuesday?
You at 12:21: Yes, is 7ish ok?
+447877 34038 at 12:17: Looking forward to it already.
***
Message to The Gang from Sirius Black: Catfished!
***
Tuesday 14th March- 7ish.
Remus cautiously approached the stranger at the bar laughing at something the waitress had said. It was the pub that had been agreed on and the stranger had long black hair like the beautiful tattooed man and lingerie model TM. However, this time the hair was up in a bun and the tattoos, if there were any, were hidden under a leather jacket with the collar turned up. It’s him, Remus told himself firmly. Just do it.
“Hi,” Remus managed to squeak.
The stranger turned around and fixed his grey eyes on Remus. “Oh hey,” he said smiling widely. “It’s you from the other night- Tesco! What are you doing here?”
“Erm, am I not meeting you?” asked Remus. “Were you expecting someone else? Oh my god! I’m so sorry.” Remus turned ready to flee what he now deemed the most embarrassing experience of his short life.
“What? Wait you’re not fuckboy- you can’t be!” exclaimed Sirius loudly, stopping poor Remus’ escape.
“Fuckboy? I’m Remus,” said Remus he said slowly.
“I’m going to kill Lily,” the man growled.
“Lily?”
“My friend Lily. She woke up Saturday morning with this number on her hand and she couldn’t remember who gave it to her. We thought it was that guy who was trying to flirt with her all night. The one with stupid hair,” explained the man.
“James?” asked Remus.
“James?” the man asked.
“My friend James was hitting on your friend at the club. We then met her outside and he persuaded me to give her my number so that she could give it to you.”
“But she forgot and thought it was your friend’s number,” said the beautiful tattooed man who was probably not a lingerie model after all, realisation dawning on his face. “So when I thought I was catfishing him, it was actually you all along!”
“Yeah,” laughed Remus. “You know, I think you and James, or Fuckboy rather, would actually get on. He also has a habit of pulling pranks that go terribly wrong.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say this one has gone terribly wrong,” said the man, flashing Remus smile which made his insides go funny again. “Can I get you a drink, Remus? I’m Sirius by the way.”
“Serious about what?”