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“Pearl? Are you alright?”
Rose’s voice was quiet, reverent of the twilight falling around them. But there was also an edge to it that had Pearl looking up with knit brows.
“I’m fine, Rose, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Oh. Oh, Okay.”
“Rose, what’s wrong?”
“Just….you’re leaning on me. Like you need support.”
A pause, then Pearl broke into soft giggles. “Oh, that’s…no no, Rose! I’m not laughing at you, I’m just relieved.” This did nothing to soften Rose’s frown, and Pearl cleared her throat. “Everything’s fine darling, I’m…it’s a way to show affection?”
“Oh,” Rose replied, and still the clouds did not leave her face.
“It’s like….you know, physical contact with another is…it’s…” Pearl thought for a couple moments before sitting up, trying to muster laughter that sounded casual. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I wasn’t really thinking.”
“Pearl, I didn’t…I’m sorry.”
“Oh, no, don’t worry about it, it’s nothing.” Pearl looked straight ahead, heat spreading across her face. When they’d come here, Rose had been quiet, absent. She always was, after a battle, even once they’d slipped away from everyone else. After many failed attempts, Pearl felt too self-conscious to try talking with her. Mostly they strolled through the woods or settled in some clearing, and all the while Pearl thought of the light that had once filled Rose’s eyes when she was surrounded by nature.
The silence in itself was fine. But Pearl had learned to read moods in some of the most unforgiving circumstances, and the fact that she was still intact meant she trusted her abilities. True, she wasn’t in any danger from the negative energy pressing on her mind. This time, the desperate urge to fix the situation was for the sake of someone else, which, she’d discovered, made it gnaw at her all the more.
Since she didn’t have the faintest idea what she could say, this had been her attempt to take action. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have been so forward. She shouldn’t have bothered with something so frivolous.
“Oh, look!” Inwardly, Pearl cringed. That had come out much too chipper. ‘Rose, those little glowing creatures are coming out again. Want to go catch a few?”
Rose agreed, and Pearl ignored her obvious suspicion. Soon enough, Rose was showing some muted interest in the living lights. Pearl only spent half the time wondering how long it would be before she so much as dared to hold Rose’s hand again.
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Fortunately, it wasn’t all up to her. It was only a few days later that the pair wandered off to their clearing again, and almost as soon as they settled, Rose asked.
“I mean, only if you want to. It was kind of…I’d like to try it again.”
It was easy to just lean over on Rose’s arm. In fact, that was part of the problem. How was such a simple action even supposed to help? It always worked for Pearl, but that had just been natural. She had no idea how to explain it, if it wasn’t the same for Rose, and she’d seemed so confused last time. It just….was what it was. That was the best she had.
But she made herself stay, and after a minute it was less of an effort to keep the tension from her form. Her arm slid under Rose’s, traced lightly up the inside of her arm, then slowly she laced her hand into Rose’s. Rose watched. This time, there was no frown, only peaceful observation. Pearl began rubbing her thumb on the back of Rose’s hand, and slowly, the action was reciprocated.
She chanced a glance up, and when she caught Rose’s eye, Rose smiled down at her. Pearl smiled back.
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Not long after, the entire camp relocated. First came a mess of planning and scouting, followed by the actual move, one furtive small group at a time. Several skirmishes occurred during the process. Homeworld forces were always kept from taking supplies, or worse, following a party to their destination. Unfortunately, they weren’t always prevented from taking victims.
Pearl and Rose were constantly at work; there were even times they left each other’s side, though never for a minute longer than necessary. During the chaos, Pearl found she’d grown even more sensitive of when Rose was silent or distracted. The way she seemed to be forcing herself to react to news, whether good or bad. The times when, after healing the wounded, it took just a little longer than it ought to for her to stop crying. But she was careful not to draw any attention to it. Comforting her would have been a damaging display from anyone, and most of all from Pearl.
When it finally seemed everything had settled, the pair took some time to explore their new surroundings. Pearl spoke very little, and Rose not at all; when they arrived in a small clearing, Rose sank to the ground wordlessly, though Pearl doubted she meant the action to be brusque. She sat down next to her and, after a few moments, gingerly took Rose’s hand. Rose started, but after a moment pulled Pearl closer with a gentle smile.
They sat quietly for a several minutes, hands interlocked and thumbs gently dancing around each other. Suddenly, Rose tensed. “Pearl! Is this….I mean….is this something….you learned from…her?”
The gentle warmth of the sun was instantly snuffed out. But experience seized control, and bent Pearl’s face into a casual smile. “Oh no, Rose. If any gem has ever asked her pearl to cuddle her, she didn’t get anything earnest out of it. I’m doing this because I like you.”
“Oh, okay. Okay. I just….I was worried you would feel like you had to, or something.” Rose was silent for a few moments, but she didn’t relax. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
Her instinct was to lie, both for Rose’s sake, and to avoid admitting that the mere mention of her old mistress put a twisting feeling in the core of her form. But she hesitated, long enough that Rose might see through it, which would only lead to guilt and awkwardness, when all this time she’d been trying to foster communication, and….
That was it then. If she wanted Rose to be open with her, she had to be honest with Rose.
“No, don’t be sorry. I can’t say I like thinking about her, but you were trying to make sure you weren’t forcing anything on me. We have to talk about those kinds of things.”
Rose’s smile seemed genuinely relieved. “Mm, that’s true.”
Pearl smiled back softly. “The truth is, darling, I learned this from other pearls. We talked, of course, when we could. When it was safe. But that wasn’t always enough….I guess this is a way to feel you’re not alone.”
“Oh. That…. that makes sense. You should have just said that to begin with.”
“I know, but I had to think about it. You caught me unprepared, the first time.”
“Fair enough,” Rose chuckled. “In any case, I’m honored.”
Pearl’s smile widened, and she nestled back against Rose’s arm.
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Soon enough, touch became something either of them could initiate without a lot of fretting beforehand, as long as they were alone. At times, Pearl even dared to snuggle against Rose while in their tent, though she was always alert, least someone burst in with an urgent message. She wasn’t going to take any risks regarding the image of the unshakable leader of the rebellion.
What really concerned her was that there was still a wall between her and whatever specifically was tormenting Rose. She had no intention of tearing it down, or even pushing too much; but, by all the cosmos, it hurt to see Rose alone in dealing with the turmoil.
Finally, the day came. The two were nestled in the meadow, Pearl in Rose’s lap and leaning back against her warmth, stroking one of the arms encircling her, when she realized Rose was quivering. While she was caught deciding whether to ask about it, something wet landing in her hair.
“Rose?”
A moment’s hesitation, then a shaky breath. “Y-yes?”
Pearl pulled loose from her embrace and turned, putting her hands on Rose’s shoulders.
“What’s wrong?!”
“It’s n-nothing, I’ll be….okay….just…”
“Shh, shh darling, what happened?”
Rose just shook her head.
“Are you hurt?”
No.
“Um….is someone else hurt?”
No. Rose put a hand over her mouth, her face drawing tight. Pearl stared, and slowly the furrow in her own brow relaxed.
“Rose? It’s okay, darling. Don’t hold back.”
For a moment, she regretted those words. Arms as big as her torso snatched her up, and somehow Rose managed to bury most of her face in the crook of her tiny shoulder. Pearl found herself just barely staring over the top of Rose’s head, with her arms pinned to her sides and her legs unable to support her. The sobs had grown violent, and Pearl’s tiny body couldn’t offer any kind of stability against the convulsions. She was trapped and unanchored, and worst of all, the breaths that would have helped fight that feeling were nearly crushed out of her in Rose’s desperate grip.
But this is what she’d wanted, what Rose needed. It took several repetitions of that thought to pull her mind from its claustrophobic spiral, but she did it. From there she focused on breathing again, ignoring how shallow and wrong it felt and focusing on the steady rhythm of in and out against the uneven sobs wracking Rose’s body.
She couldn’t be sure it would be so comforting to Rose, however. While they’d both picked up the habit of breathing, Rose had started it more out of curiosity and admiration. Even if breathing did relax her, Pearl was going to have to offer more than the small rise and fall of her chest.
With a bit of wiggling, she found Rose’s hold relented a little, enough that she could slide her hands behind Rose’s shoulders to drift in lazy circles along her skin. She nuzzled her face further into Rose’s hair to murmur softly to her, and found she didn’t worry that she had nothing useful to say. In the moment, it was easier to remember she didn’t need to fix this. She was simply offering her presence as Rose rode out her emotions.
The shadows lengthened, and by the time Rose set her down, Pearl could feel the heaviness to her arms. The tears had stopped, though Rose’s attempts to breathe deeply were punctuated with hitching and hiccups.
“Do you want to talk?” Pearl asked.
Rose nodded, then said nothing. That almost had her flustered again, but she redirected her nervous energy by gathering Rose’s hands together and stroking them.
Finally, it seemed Rose’s voice was steady enough. “Thank you so much, darling.”
“Of course.”
“I’ve n-never had anything like this.” Rose stared down at their clasped hands. “….I mean, we were all upset when we lost someone. But it was all….anger. It was more, ‘How dare someone kill one of the empire’s soldiers.’ It was never about that soldier, and you weren’t supposed to cry for them. Just kill in their memory.” She took in a large breath. “And stars forbid you feel anything for the enemy. Or that you just…hate fighting.”
Pearl’s hand had migrated to stroke at Rose’s temple. “How long have you felt like that?”
“Since the beginning, really.” Rose didn’t look up. “I don’t know, maybe the others felt the same way. We were all too afraid to show any weakness. The ideal we were given made us afraid of each other.”
Pearl nodded. She thought for a few moments before craning her neck to meet Rose’s eyes. “Whatever you need to say, you can always tell me. I won’t think any less of you.”
“Thank you. I think I’m alright for now….well, except that…” Rose sat up, setting her shoulders. “I hate this war. I absolutely hate it. I know it has to be done, but….I wish it didn’t.”
“I know, darling. And you tried.”
Rose’s shoulders relaxed again. “Feels good to say it.”
“Good.” Pearl reached up and gently started wiping the tear tracks on her blotchy face. Rose closed her eyes, her breath still catching at times. Soon she was starting to slump just a little, leaning into Pearl’s hand. All this had followed on a day full of fighting, and for Rose, healing. “Here. I have an idea.”
Pearl pulled Rose down gently to rest her head in her lap, and suddenly found herself chest-deep in pink. It took an entire arm to pin all the hair down so that she could see Rose’s face. But this time, she was giggling at the unexpected, and Rose blearily smiled back.
“So, what now?”
“You don’t do anything, Rose. Just…relax. Enjoy the view.”
She let go of Rose’s hair and rearranged it to hang off her lap. The curls still arched impressively high, but at least her right arm wasn’t obstructed. Neither was her view, which was why she caught Rose staring pointedly at her, the corner of her mouth twitching.
“Stars above us, Rose, I meant the scenery!” Rose immediately burst into giggles, and Pearl couldn’t even finish her sentence before joining in. If this didn’t work out like she hoped, at least she’d already managed to make Rose laugh – really laugh, in the unrestrained way she rarely heard anymore.
Fortunately, Rose knew when not to stare at Pearl, and looked away before she started working. At first she only traced the hairline, back and forth, her touch as light as air. Then quick forays into the thinner hair at her temple. Slowly, carefully, patiently, her fingers dove farther, learning to navigate Rose’s sea of curls without getting snagged. With some time, Pearl could run her hand along an entire strand, which unsurprisingly required her to fully extend her arm.
The sun fell behind the trees, and the long grass started flickering with tiny lights again. Rose’s eyelids drooped. Pearl started humming, falling in and out of old songs, or stringing notes together haphazardly. Her hand moved upward, tunneling under Rose’s bangs before raking back along the top of the scalp. Rose’s breath slowed; tension continued to evaporate from her form. Pearl’s hand went to the base of Rose’s neck, traced upward and plunged into the brunt of the hair. It was much more to take on, but Pearl had taken the time to learn. She made it to the end of the strand without a single tug.
A few rounds of that, and Rose was completely slack, eyes closed, occasionally humming faintly. Pearl paused, just staring at how peaceful she looked.
“Rose?”
A mumbled response.
In this position, Pearl couldn’t lean down to kiss her, so she kissed her own hand and laid it on Rose’s temple. Rose smiled ever so slightly.
“I love you.”
Rose hummed back. Pearl went back to stroking her hair, and watched the little earth creatures make their own light against the darkness.