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Liam almost wishes he hadn't seen Louis and Harry together. Almost.
An hour later, when he was vomiting his sandwich from In-N-Out burger, he decided that it was definitely better being in the dark. He supposed it was better this way now that Louis was with Harry; he had always brought the Doncaster lad down in one way or another. Louis was a bright ball of energy. He was the sun. Harry was an array of kindness and cat puns that kept the conversation going, like a gentle breeze on an April morning. Liam was a big grey cloud, always blocking Louis’ rays from shining with his self-abuse and his drinking. He was a hurricane, loud and destructive to anything in his path.
His phone wouldn't stop ringing and buzzing. He finally picked it up, immediately screaming at whoever was on the other end, not paying attention to the name on the screen. How dare they bother him when he was in such turmoil? "What?”
"Liam? Liam, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." Niall began, pleading with the other.
"You knew?" Liam whispered.
His vision began to blur. His silence said it all. Sweet, blond Niall with his angel eyes and his own divorced parents knew that his husband was cheating on him.
"Oh my God..." Liam said gently.
He sat down on the ground and the world began to swirl around him. He brought his knees to his chest and set his head on top, hoping it would stop. Hoping all of it would.
His heart was absolutely and completely shattered. He began to sob: big, fat tears and making animalistic gasping sounds. Liam realized he was having a panic attack and that he needed to call someone. He stood up on shaky legs and searched for his phone. He found it a minute later, buried under green moss. The call to Niall was still in progress.
“Niall?” he said meekly, his throat rough and wrecked from his sobbing. “Liam!” Niall said, concern prominent in the Irish lad’s tone. “I gotta go,” he said. Liam.” Niall began, but it was too late. Liam pressed the red button on his iPhone to end the call.
From the start, "Larry Stylinson" had been the band's biggest ship. Liam suspected that something was amiss, but let Louis continue his friendship with Harry. He wanted to let Louis have his friends the way he had Niall. Or the way he used to be with Niall.
He supposed the whole thing was his fault. He should have made Louis feel more loved in the relationship or else he wouldn’t have left. He swallowed back the thought and continued to walk into the woods. The ominous sounds he heard along the way weirdly kept his mind at ease. As he heard growling, he faintly wondered if a bear would be able to swallow him whole or just leave him writhing in pain. He then cursed himself as he realized bears weren’t really in England. A mountain lion was more likely. He wondered if England had those. He’d never heard of an attack like that.
He sat there for a brief moment in deep thought then, realized he had no idea who to call. He had lost all contact with any ex-girlfriend years ago and he couldn’t call the lads. Ruth was still in Wolverhampton and Nicola was in France, so his sisters were out of the question. Suddenly, he remembered someone he could ring. He dialed the familiar 11-digit number. It picked up on the first ring, as he expected. “Zayn?” he said meekly.
“Liam? Mate, I haven’t heard from you in years. What’s up?” he responded.
”Nothing. I just-” Liam started to speak.
He began faintly making choking sounds as his words began to get cut off with sobs. It was then Liam had a fantastic, idea. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have called,” he said calmly.
He hung up the phone and threw it against a tree, taking pleasure at the crunch the glass shattered against the wood. iPhones were overrated anyways.
It was then that Liam began to collect his thoughts. He had no one and nothing. His own parents had not come to his wedding, embarrassed that their sole son had come out as a homosexual. His sisters were supportive, but not enough so that they would care. In his mind, he began to make a quick assessment of all those in his life. Harry and Louis were out, for obvious reasons. Niall hadn’t thought to tell Liam about the affair going on between his husband and his best friend. Andy and Liam hadn’t spoken since Liam had come out, nearly 3 years prior. Liam’s head had cleared and his mind was made up.
He picked up the broken phone from the ground, gaining an almost sick satisfaction at the way that it cut his hand. His eyes glazed over in relief as the euphoria rushed through his veins. He had missed this: the feeling of release. He clenched his hand even tighter and felt the shards go into his palm. He shoved his hand into his pocket, still clenching the phone and walked calmly towards the home he shared with his husband. While walking, he numbly thought that he might not be able to call him that anymore. His hand clenched even tighter at that and he relaxed. It would all go away after tonight.
He placed the key in the lock of his home and looked at the décor that his lover had picked. It had once held so much love for him. Now, it filled him with disgust. He dropped his keys in the bowl by the door and walked down the corridor to the living room. Harry was nowhere to be seen as Louis was pacing back, and forth across the living room that the two men shared. Liam took a deep breath that did not go unnoticed and crushed the phone in his hand even further. Louis’ eyes quickly shot up to his husband and then, looked down sheepishly, as the weight of what he’d done crashed upon him. “Liam...I...you shouldn’t have seen that.” Louis said, his voice dripping with shame.
Freddie had been with his mother for the week. This had become quite the norm, as the courts didn’t exactly approve of Louis’ newfound sexuality, just as it was frowned upon by the general public. Louis had changed quite a bit since the birth of his son and Liam had grown quite attached to the little tyke.
Liam had had a doctor’s appointment that day: something about the mole on his neck had the doctors concerned for the umpteenth time. It was all, honestly, a bore. After that he went to the studio to help his new protégé record the next single from his upcoming album. The kid was nice enough, if a bit snotty. Liam mostly ignored working with him, focusing instead on the track, like always. It had seemed like such a normal day.
Liam tossed his keys in the bowl with a satisfying clink and kicked off his shoes as he yelled to Louis. “Babe! I’m back!”
Bangs and muffled curses rang out from the bedroom. Liam immediately broke into a smile. Louis was always known for his surprises, and Liam would often come home to find him creating some kind of craft or baking with Freddie on his hip, both of them covered in flour.
“Babe, what are you planning?” Liam yelled as he walked down the corridor to the bedroom. As he put his hand on the doorknob, he thought he heard the door to the closet door open. “...have to hide!” Louis hissed under his breath. Confused, Liam opened the door to his room.
“Babe.” he began, although he was quickly cut off by the sight before him.
Louis was completely naked, although this was not uncommon, as he often liked to run around in nothing more than his socks making an offhanded comment about airing himself out. What Liam didn’t expect was Harry.
The younger lad was trying to stuff himself in the closet with nothing more than his white t-shirt on. He was still wearing a condom and the wrapper was tossed, carelessly, on the floor. His best man and his husband both looked at him with a mix of shock and fear that would have been hilarious, if not for the circumstances.
Liam promptly turned around and ran out of the house.
Liam stared at his husband for a moment, unable to think of words to say. He had loved him with all of his heart and soul. They had been married for a year and been together for almost three. It had been almost ten years since they had been on the X-Factor.
“Liam. Say something”
“What do you want me to say, Louis?” Liam said, finally looking at the other man for the first time that night. “I walked in on you shoving Harry into the closet! It’s bad enough you cheated, let alone having no intention to tell me about it!” Liam replied, his voice raising as the sentence continued.
“What was I supposed to do, invite you for a three-way? ‘Hey, love, let’s fuck Harry’ would have gone over great with you.” Louis said scornfully.
“It would have been a lot better than fucking him behind my back for six months!” Liam bit back.
“God do you ever stop being such a fucking martyr, Liam? You’re the worst husband in existence! You spend all of your time at the studio with that fucking Disney kid. It’s no wonder I cheated with Harry. You’re such a fucking bore!” Louis yelled.
Liam recoiled, as if he had been slapped. Louis’ face had turned a light shade of red with the anger he felt at the sentence he had just uttered. A pregnant pause swept through the room as neither knew what to say to the bombshell that had just been dropped.
“Well, at least you’re finally telling the truth.” Liam replied. He had made up his mind. It was over. He squeezed the phone in his hand until he gave a slight whimper in pain. Louis eyes widened like saucers.
“Liam -” he began. At that point, Liam turned around and began to walk back down the corridor.
“No, Louis. It’s fine,” he replied as he sped up his pace.
Liam had dealt with depression, in one way or another, ever since he was a kid. His kidneys never worked properly and so he spent a lot of time at the doctors or out of school sick. This never made him very popular with the other kids. He was bullied daily, with it all coming to a head when he was sixteen.
“Liam! Hurry, the party starts at six!”
Liam bounded down the stairs two-at-a-time, overtly excited about the day’s events before him. It was his sixteenth birthday and he had invited his whole class of thirty-two to attend the festivities. Twenty-six, including his best friend Andy, were set to attend.
His mother had just finished setting up the cake and decor when Andy texted him.
“srry m8 bad flu can’t come”
This disappointed him, but he kept going anyways. He supposed it wasn’t the end of the world that Andy couldn’t come to the party.
An hour later he quickly decided to revise that statement.
No one had come to the party. At first he thought he had maybe had the wrong date printed on the invites but a text from Zack Matthews confirmed that he had in fact gotten it right. No one wanted to attend.
The ice-cream cake had melted, and he sat there poking it for quite some time feeling more and more depressed about the events that had befallen him that night. He heard his mum come down the stairs and he quickly changed his tune.
“Liam I am so sorry love, I don’t know why they would do this to you!”
“It’s fine mum. I just want to go to bed” Liam said, trying his best not to cry.
“It’s only 7:30.” His mum replied, looking concerned. “I promise, I’m fine mum, I’m just tired out from all the decorating.”
She nodded her head.Liam gave her a kiss on the cheek before bounding up the stairs and entering his room.
He shut the door and began to cry. Giant sobs wracked his body, and he tried his best to remain quiet. In a haze of blinding tears, he bumped into his dresser.
The vase from on top of it fell to the floor and shattered against the hardwood. He slipped on a piece and cut his hand trying to catch his fall. As he stared at the blood dripping down his palm, it felt as if all of his problems had drifted away.
He heard footsteps following him and he began to sprint. He threw open the door and ran outside of the house. Liam slowed his pace to a run, certain Louis had given up the chase, and continued walking for a while. Liam had always enjoyed running and had almost made it to The Olympics in London, but he chose music instead. Looking at where he was now, he supposed it was a blown call.
He continued to run mindlessly until he saw a Boots. He knew what he had to do. He was silently thankful the drugstore had automatic doors, as his hands were shaking. He knew exactly what aisle to look for: six. He used the same medication in his everyday life, but never for this purpose. He picked up the Tylenol PM and walked with the box to the counter. He smiled politely at the cashier. He knew it wouldn’t matter anymore in a little while.
“Would you like paper or plastic, hun?” the cashier was a woman in her late sixties with greying hair and a smile that could make a heart melt.
“Plastic, thank you,” he replied kindly.
“No problem, love.” she replied. He handed her a hundred dollar bill. “Honey, it’s only $9.57,” she told him.
“I know, ma’am. Keep the change,” he replied.
Her eyes widened like saucers. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely,” he replied. “
“Bless your heart,” she cooed.
He her a good day as they parted. For a moment he thought that he didn’t need to do this. Then, he remembered the words that Louis had thrown at him earlier and shuddered.
He returned to his flat fifteen minutes later, and Louis was nowhere to be seen. He supposed his husband had gone to Harry’s or something and dismissed the thought, as it made him sick. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed himself a Coke from the fridge. For a moment, he considered getting a snack; the morbid thought of them finding him with half digested Cheetos in his stomach disgusted him and he decided against it.
He woodenly hung his jacket up on the chair at the table and reminisced for a moment. Niall had bought them the table as a wedding gift. He could faintly trace where his friend had carved his name in huge scrawl along the side of the centerpiece. He supposed he should call Niall before he got on with it. Niall is - was - his best mate and he, at least, owed him that.
He snapped out of his thoughts and continued into his and Louis’ bedroom. He shut the door behind him and walked over to the end table where he placed the bags and his drink. He thought for a second and locked the door to the bedroom, not wanting anyone to disturb him. After a moment, he placed the chair that was in the corner of the room in front of the door, as well. It was a big arm chair with a large back that was heavy, but could still be moved by Liam himself. The weight of it was like a boulder rolling in front of a tomb. It all seemed so final, he thought, as he ran a hand through his hair. He was disgusted at how damp and sticky it had become after the night’s events.
He sent Niall a text letting him know how sorry he was and that none of it was the lad’s fault. He walked into the ensuite bathroom and drew a bath. As the water was running he decided that was the place. His phone began to buzz and Liam ignored the sound as he thought that answering it would only make things harder for himself. He had the thought that it’d be easier for everyone if they didn’t have to worry about the clothes he was wearing after and dropped them in the hamper in the corner of the bathroom.
He looked at the shelves for a moment and pulled the vanilla scented bath salt he had kept sitting there. He had ignored them up until this point, placing them there for decoration, but he had adored them as a child. They always made him so calm and relaxed. His father had screamed at him and complained that they were for girls. He had bought some, proclaiming that he was an adult and could do as he wished, but the sentiment had always stuck. He supposed now was as good a time as any to break the rules and dumped the container into his bathwater, swishing it around a little.
His phone buzzed once more like an angry hornet's’ nest. He walked back into the bedroom and grabbed the drink and the bag from the table. After a moment of thought, he grabbed a scarf that had been hanging on the bathroom door and shut and locked himself in the ensuite.
He turned off the bathwater and sank in. He groaned at how comfortable he felt in the water. He picked up the Coke and the box of pills. He swallowed six thinking that would be enough. Upon further reflection, he took six more to be safe. He followed it down with the Coke, which he chugged in one gulp. He sat there in silence for a few minutes until he began to feel woozy. It was now or never, he decided. He picked up the phone and dialed the familiar 11-digit number. The phone rang once, twice, before the familiar Irish voice picked up on the other end of the line. “Liam!” Niall exclaimed, relief oozing into the familiar tone. He could hear rumbling noises in the background and he assumed the lad was in the car.
“Niall,” Liam said calmly.
“Liam, are you okay? Tell me where you are. I’ll come get you,” Niall said frantically, worried for the life of his best friend.
Liam felt himself begin to blackout and realized that his window of opportunity had almost closed.
“Niall, I just wanted to tell you that I love you. You’re my best friend and I’m sorry.”
“Liam wai- ” Niall began. He was cut off by Liam dropping the phone. It fell into the water, cutting off the circuit, silencing it forever. He grabbed the bag and slipped it over his head before closing it off with the scarf. He laid back and watched his whole world go dark.
Liam almost wishes he hadn't seen Louis and Harry together. Almost.