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Saeran looked at the screen in front of him as he typed with expert swiftness. He had spent hours researching already and felt more confused than when he had started. He sighed as his brother, Saeyoung, put an arm around his shoulder and leaned against him. “What are you looking at?” Saeyoung asked peeking at the screen. “Is that why she’s seems so uncomfortable around us?”
“It’s not ‘she’ it’s ‘they’.” Saeran said, his eyebrow twitching in anger, feeling like his brother said it on purpose. “I’m trying to understand them more. The more I understand, the more support I can give to try to make them more comfortable.” Saeran said as he went back to typing.
“You know there is a way you could understand their unease in public.” Saeyoung said with a small glint in his eye. Saeran paused his typing and looked at his brother. His body cringed as Saeyoung smiled at him.
“I don’t like where this is going.” Saeran said as Saeyoung linked their arms and pulled Saeran away from the computer. Saeyoung sat Saeran down in his room. Saeran watched as his brother opened the closet doors and feminine clothing was revealed. “No way!” Saeran shot to his feet and strode for the door.
“You said you wanted to make ______ feel more comfortable. Reading information isn’t going to give you what first-hand experience will.” Saeyoung said with an unusually straight face. Saeran froze and turned towards his brother who had turned around to pick some clothes from the closet. “They’re uncomfortable in some public situations, like using the public restroom. They get uncomfortable stares from people I’m sure.” Sighing, Saeran turned and walked further into the room. He sat on the edge of the bed and started to feel uncomfortable when Saeyoung put a wig on his head.
Thirty minutes later, Saeran stood in front of the mirror and held up the lock of the red wig as he looked at his reflection. He felt uncomfortable and insecure. Is this how _____ feels all the time? He thought as he held up out the hem of the cotton sundress. “Why do you have these again?” Saeran asked Saeyoung, who was gazing adoringly at him. “Don’t look at me like that?!”
“It’s practice.” Saeyoung said pushing his glasses up his nose catching the light just right against his lenses. “Now let’s go.” He said linking an arm around Saeran’s shoulders. “We have all day before ______ shows up!”
Saeran clenched his jaw as he walked down the sidewalk. All the looks he was getting was making him feel even more insecure. He continued on walking, as he thought about you. “This insecurity must be how you feel on a daily basis, _____.” Saeran said to himself as he closed his hands into fists. This must be why she… He shook his head, mentally correcting himself. Why they, are so exhausted at the end of the day.
“Mommy look at that!” A little child pointed at Saeran and his back straightened. Saeyoung had purposely kept him from looking extremely feminine and now Saeran knew why. The child’s mother quickly turned the child around trying to ignore Saeran. Other people that were within earshot, either stopped and stared or continued on avoiding all possible eye contact.
The day continued on and Saeran had succeeded in avoiding the bathroom. “We can go home now.” Saeran said, gritting his teeth.
“Hmm…not quite.” Saeyoung said as he stopped at a drinking fountain and pressed the button to let the water run. “There’s still one thing you haven’t done yet.” Saeran’s eyes widened at his brother’s serious tone.
Saeran bit his lip trying to ignore the sound of the water. “Wouldn’t it just be an offence at this point?” Saeran said not feeling entirely comfortable with the thought of using a public restroom. “I’m not comfortable with this.”
“Nether are they when deciding to use the restroom.” Saeyoung’s serious attitude cause Saeran to pause. He couldn’t remember a time when Saeyoung was so serious. He must care more about the situation than I thought.
“I get it, but taking it that far just seems like an insult. I’m not like this every day like they are. The thought of trying to decide which bathroom to use is a very uncomfortable thought.” Saeran started to walk past his brother. “Let’s just go home and wait for, _____.” Saeran said solemnly.
A few hours later you knocked the special knock that Saeyoung had giving you to open door to the bunker. He made it up and had spent hours making sure you had it memorized perfectly. There was no way you’d be able to remember everything the door would ask and this was a way that you would be able to get inside.
Saeran sat up and smiled at you. You smiled back. You knew that he had liked it when you wore his clothes and were glad that you took some with you last time you were at the bunker. His brows furrowed as you silently walked by him, heading towards his room. He could probably tell that you were exhausted. Today hadn’t been the best of days. Saeran followed after you, wanting to make sure that you were all right.
He was right behind you and closed the door when you both got to his room. You reached under the shirt, intending to remove your bindings. It was a hot day and you always figured he liked you better without them anyways. Your eyes widened when he reached out and hugged you. “Before you do that I want you to know that no matter what you choose, I will care for you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be someone you’re not comfortable with. Not anywhere, and definitely not with me.”
“What brought this on?” You asked him feeling confused. Pulling you with him he sat on the edge of the bed and explained what he and Saeyoung had done that day while you were away. “You did that? For me?” You held a hand to your heart when you felt it flutter. When you first explained how you had felt about your body he looked confused and uninterested.
You had believed that he would just brush off how you felt and ignore your insecurities. He reached out and grabbed your wrist and pulled you against his chest. He held you close instead of pushing you away when your bound chest pressed against his. “It doesn’t matter to me how you identify yourself. To me you are just you. I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes but I will still…” You felt his body tense as he held you closer. “I will still love you.”
Tears pricked your eyes when you heard his words. He had said that he loved you once or twice before but out of the few times he has said them this one was your favorite. He pulled back and held your face in his hands and pressed his lips to yours. The kiss he gave you was the same as it always was. No judgements, just love and compassion that he always gave. You closed your eyes and let the tears spill as you realized his full acceptance of who you were.