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Language:
English
Series:
Part 2 of Lumi and Cogs
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Published:
2017-02-20
Completed:
2017-02-22
Words:
2,315
Chapters:
2/2
Comments:
8
Kudos:
124
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1,869

That Would Be Lovely

Summary:

Cogsworth and Lumiere find out that drowning and floating really aren't that different. It leaves them feeling the same way in the end.

Notes:

In which Cogsworth has social anxiety and is too wound up for his own good
OR
In which Lumiere is the light at the end of the tunnel Cogsworth desperately needs

Chapter 1: Drowning

Chapter Text

Cogsworth had always felt like he was drowning.

Being social was never one of his strong suits; simply the thought of spending time with people he wasn't close to was enough to send him spiraling into a deep, dark pool of panic. As a child, he could get over himself long enough to make it through a school day, but even that exhausted him. He would have loved to join clubs and extracurriculars that pertained to his interests, but the idea of spending even more time with people kept him from doing so. His parents had figured at the time that he simply had a shy, introverted personality. Perhaps he would simply grow out of it as he got older.

But as the years passed, it became clear that if anything, he was only getting worse.

Cogsworth hated being the center of attention, feared it even. Every embarrassing moment he had ever experienced constantly played on repeat in his head, interrupted every now and then by imagined situations of him making a fool of himself in front of his peers. He constantly felt like he was drowning in his own sorrow, like a brick attached to his foot was pulling him further down into the pool of despair, leaving him gasping for air and struggling to survive..

The boy who had once been so keen on calling out an answer to a teacher’s question and even attempting conversation with some of the students most like him sunk into himself. He sat in the back of class, kept his head down, kept his mouth shut. He didn’t speak unless spoken to, and even then, he still feared he would do something wrong and everyone would laugh at him.

If he had had his way, he would have gone back to being home-schooled, but his parents wouldn’t allow it. He had to learn to be social, they said, and what better way to do that than at school?

He was a sophomore when he had his first panic attack at school. A weight in his chest made breathing difficult, and he was drowning down, down, down. Mr. Allen, the only teacher Cogsworth had ever really liked, had been kind enough to allow the boy to hide out in his classroom through the lunch hour. After that day, it became a ritual for them to eat lunch together and simply talk. It did wonders for Cogsworth, and it became the one thing he looked forward to during the day.

Despite that, between the constant bullying and frequent, mid-day panic attacks, he really wasn’t sure how he had made it through high school without completely falling apart, and with such amazing grades for that matter. He had made up his mind already that he would take his college classes online from the comfort of a solitary apartment. However, that changed when he received a full-ride scholarship to a school of his choice for his outstanding grades. He had been so elated and honored, that he had not given it a second thought when he accepted it. What happened next seemed like a blur: there was celebrating, deciding what college to go to, getting everything prepared to move in...

It wasn’t until shortly after he had settled into his dorm room on move-in day after his parents left how crazy and stupid this all was. The campus, which he had a great view of from his room, was huge! There were so many people here! How could he function knowing that there were so many people who would surely hate him, that the classes would be huge and he would be forced to spend all day with so many people. He could feel the walls of the now too-small room closing in on him and sweet blackness licking at the corners of his vision as panic enveloped him. He was slipping, drowning, falling further and further back until…

...until his body collided into something warm and soothing and pulled him back up to the surface of consciousness.

“Woah, there, mon ami! That could have been a nasty fall! Are you okay?”

Cogsworth should have felt panicked, but for the first time in his life, he felt relaxed in the arms of a complete stranger. For a moment, he could only peer up into those sparkling amber eyes. The man was undeniably handsome, from his glowing eyes and curly ginger hair to his soft features and gentle smile. Cogsworth blushed. They both stood there in silence for a long while before Cogsworth finally managed to regain control of his body and pulled himself away from the stranger.

“F-fine, thank you,” he eventually answered while brushing himself off and decidedly not looking at the person he assumed to be his new roomie. It hadn’t even been a day, and he had already embarrassed himself in front of the one person he would have to socialize with.

“Well, I suppose if we’ll be living together for at least the semester, we should establish some ground rules first and foremost. I have already taken the liberty of writing down some that to me seem to be the most important.” Here, Cogsworth pulled the list he had come up with last week when he learned that he would have to share a dorm with someone else. He was prepared to present the list when the other, who had stood smiling pleasantly at him the whole time, began to laugh; not cruel or malicious, simply… entertained. Cogsworth instinctively blushed, but he did not feel panicked surprisingly. He only felt confused. “What are you laughing at?”

“Pardon, pardon,” came the response through fits of giggles, “it is just… we do not even know each other's’ names yet!”

The shorter of the two realized that was fair. “Cogsworth,” he said simply, not feeling it necessary to share his full name to someone he had only just met. He stuck his hand out more out of obligation than anything and was mildly surprised when his roommate happily accepted the handshake.

“Lumiere,” the taller one grinned, and for a moment, the two of them stood in silence again. It wasn’t awkward, Cogsworth observed with surprise, but pleasant. It was Lumiere who finally broke the silence.

“Well, Cogsworth, do you wanna go grab some lunch and discuss those rules you were talking about? It would be my treat.”

Cogsworth had always hated eating in public and would have normally preferred to stay indoors and away from all of those judging eyes. However, he feels so safe in the presence of Lumiere, a man who he didn’t know at all. It went against all logic, really, but his constant apprehension now faded into a growing sense of pleasantness the longer he gazed up at the smiling man. Gone was his sense of drowning as for once, someone had finally dived in after him and pulled him out of the pool. He felt light as a feather, like he could take on the world.

“That would be lovely.”

And so they went.

Chapter 2: Floating

Summary:

In which Lumiere often feels like a wick with no flame
OR
In which Cogsworth's ticks are more than a little amusing

Chapter Text

Lumiere had always felt like he was floating.

Being social had always been one of his strong suits. He loved going to school (well, in those early days anyway) and was great at making friends. No, making friends had never been a huge issue; it was leaving those friends behind that drove Lumiere insane.

He had attachment issues. His relationships, platonic or romantic, always ended the same way: he got too clingy and inadvertently pushed people away. If his friends or lovers didn’t talk to him daily, he would obsess over the idea that perhaps they didn’t like him anymore. Perhaps they hated him for being trans. Perhaps they were planning on leaving him…

And they did leave, they always did. His mood swings didn’t really help, either. One minute he could be hyper and chatty, the next, he could be so down in the dumps and self-loathing that it made everyone around him worry that he might harm himself. He lived for those highs, though, which was why it had taken him so long to seek help. He eventually gave in to the idea of therapy, though, as it made the people around him happy. And he wanted them to be happy.

The medication made him feel numb. In a way, this was even worse than feeling down. How could he get through life if he couldn’t feel anything? On bad days, he would often dissociate and feel as though he were dreaming, floating high above while watching his physical body go through the motions of day-to-day life. He hated and loved this sensation; if he was numb, he didn’t have to feel bad as countless lovers left him behind, as friends chose to hang out with other people, as he moved schools frequently in an attempt to shield himself from discriminatory statements and uncomfortable questions about his body. The sense of floating stuck with him and was his only true companion as countless people came in and out of his life.

He had tried to explain this feeling along with the feeling of being a man trapped in a feminine body to those who got close to him before, but since it only made them confused and uncomfortable, he learned to keep his mouth shut about those sort of things. He also learned not to speak of his suicidal ideation after it led one of his closest girlfriends to dump him and stop talking to him altogether.

Whether he was accepted by all of his peers or not, he often became quite popular wherever he went, garnering many friends and much attention. He hid behind the mask of a confident class clown; he had always been so good at acting, something that had always scored him lead roles in musicals and plays. He wasn’t as confident as everyone thought he was, though, and he improvised most of the things he did.

He hadn’t planned on going to college. He only wanted to graduate high school to make his parents happy, but after that… well, he didn’t really want to do anything after that. Once graduation day came, he attempted to wipe his existence off of the face of the Earth but was stopped mid-way by his parents, the only people he had ever felt truly cared for him. To make them happy, he applied for colleges to show them that he really could think about his future. With his average grades, he hadn’t actually expected to get into one of his top-pick colleges. Still recovering from a failed suicide attempt and desperate to make his parents happy, he didn’t think twice about accepting.

Thus, he floated off to the U.S.A. with the simple intentions of at least getting through his gen eds before dropping out and not making a single friend. He couldn’t bear another relationship with someone he would get overly-attached to and eventually drive away. With his suitcases in hand, he floated up the stairs of his dormitory building without paying anyone any mind as they greeted him. He couldn’t allow himself to say anything back even though his social side really wanted to. Instead, he ghosted right on past everyone as he headed to his dorm.

He shouldn’t have been surprised to find someone already in the room; it was late in the day, after all, as he had never been much of a morning person, so it was only logical that his dorm-mate would already be there. He studied the man whose back was turned and stepped into the doorway. He knew he shouldn’t try making friends with this man, but perhaps he could permit a simple hello...

He prepared a greeting and opened his mouth to speak when suddenly he found himself holding his roomie instead of his luggage. He was stunned for a moment as he gazed down into the dark, curious eyes of the shorter man. For once in a long while, a genuine smile pierced through his carefully constructed veil.

“Woah there, mon ami! That could have been a nasty fall! Are you okay?”

He was already referring to the stranger as friend. Oui, way to not get attached, Lumiere scolded himself mentally, but he could not say in all honesty that he regretted it.

“F-fine, thank you.”

And thus, the stranger pulled away, and Lumiere suddenly wished to pull him back into an embrace. This was not going well. His self-agitation faded when his roomie began rambling about rules, and he could not help but laugh a sincere sort of laugh. What an odd sort of tick to have, to want to immediately establish rules and create order. Rules? That was definitely not Lumiere’s forte. Hell, he had given himself only two rules for college, and he had already broken one of them!

He instantly felt sorry for laughing, though, and he excused himself with the simple response of them still being complete strangers. They ought to get to know each other before talking business.

Non, non, non! We are not going through this again! his conscience once again chastised him, but he pushed it away just in time to catch the dark-haired man’s name: Cogsworth. Little Cogs. Cogsy. Don’t give him cute nicknames, s’il vous plait!

After Lumiere introduced himself, he had an internal struggle. They could end this conversation and go their separate ways, or they could get to know each other better. His mind told him non, but his heart said oui a thousand times over. In the few short minutes they had been together, Lumiere felt that floating sensation again, but this time, it felt good. He wanted to know all about this man: what his life story was, what his hobbies were, what other amusing ticks he had.

So, naturally, Lumiere invited Cogsworth to lunch.

“That would be lovely.”

And so they went.

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