Work Text:
Rivaille slowly washed his face of dirt and blood. Normally so cool and composed, he hadn’t even thought of cleaning himself after hearing that the commander of the Scouting Legion had been severely injured. He tried to turn to grab a towel to dry his face when his ankle, still wrapped up, betrayed him. He had to catch himself on the edge of his desk to keep from sprawling to the floor. He made a curt noise of disgust with himself and limped to his bed, meticulously made that morning when everything had been normal. His hands were shaking, very slightly, but it was more than they had in a long time. He considered changing out of his uniform, but he couldn’t summon the energy to do it. He had lost many people that he had known personally, but hearing his commander, always untouched, had been maimed… These days, that meant dead without making it out of the medic room. There was too much to do to fight to save one soldier.
He stayed in his room that night, finishing as much paperwork as he could. Twice, his candle had burned and guttered, relit only for it to go out before he was finished. He was restless. He couldn’t go out and ask how Erwin was. If he did, the others would see his face, hear the way his voice would shake. He, Levi, was the only strong one still holding his head high. Even Hanji’s joyous demeanor had been flattened by their losses; none of them could be confident on their ride home with Eren half-dead and their commander whisked away to the medic. None, save Levi. It was his duty to them and he meant to uphold it.
One of the Scouting Legion babies, Connie, came in with breakfast. Levi kept his eyes on his last few papers as he instructed the boy to leave the tray. It was then that he realized he had been staring meaninglessly at one paper for nearly an hour without reading a word. He shoved himself away from his desk and hobbled to the bed, flumping down. He thought he would sleep before going to round up his subordinates, but his eyes stayed wide open. Impatiently, he put his coat on and headed out, tray of food untouched. Another squad was covering the defense of the area, and Levi passed a few of his kids on his way to the medical rooms. They saluted, eyes drawn, and he nodded. Everyone’s eyes were red and had dark circles. He knew his had deep bags; he could feel them. Flicking his hair out of his face, he entered the medical area.
Jaegar was sitting up, head still bandaged, with his sister and Arlert by his bedside. Levi coolly nodded to them and they saluted, Jaegar wincing. He turned away from them just in time to see a body bag being taken out. His heart stopped and he started forward.
“Heichou,” Hanji greeted him, smiling. Her eyes were strained behind her glasses. “Good morning.” He glanced at her, then back at the body bag.
“Who was that?” he asked calmly, one hand curling into a fist.
“I’m not sure,” Hanji replied, draping one arm over his shoulders. “Some girl from the outer wall patrols. Not one of ours.” Levi stepped out from beneath her, scowling to hide his relief.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, crossing his arms. She grinned mischievously.
“The nurse is too busy trying to get Commander back into bed, so I’m going to ask Eren some questions,” she said loftily, eyes glinting. Levi rolled her eyes and she mimed tiptoeing over to the trio. Levi walked as fast as his pained leg would allow him, Hanji’s antics flying from his mind. Erwin was alive, then. Well enough to be fighting a nurse, as usual. He came around a corner to find the broad man sitting in a bed, head bandaged as well, his left arm completely wrapped up. Levi almost sighed out loud, but his breath caught. The left arm stopped before it got to the shoulder, a stump. Levi’s arm went out to grab the door frame to support himself, but a nurse came around with a cup on a tray and he straightened, nodding to her. Erwin noticed him then and nodded, grinning slightly. Levi gave him his coldest glare and turned on his heel, making a barely muffled grunt when his ankle throbbed in protest.
He took his next round of paperwork, an account of the living, dead and injured, from a busy clerk and returned to his room. His head was spinning. Once inside, he barred the door and shoved the food tray off the desk. The dented metal hit the wooden floor with a hollow sound, tea and bread crumbs messing the spotless floor. He ignored it and set to the paperwork, eyes burning. He couldn’t believe himself, getting so bent out of shape. Erwin was alive, and that was more than he could say about the other children and fellow soldiers. Kicking the leg of his desk with his injured foot, he continued writing, taking numbers and scrawling names with a shaking hand.
A timid knocking came at the door a few hours later and Levi ignored it. A few minutes later, however, a furious barrage of knocking came and he stood, stiffly hobbling to the door and wrenching it open.
“Heichou, Commander wants us in for a meeting and you can't hide in here forever!” Hanji chirped at him, hooking one thumb over her shoulder. She didn’t look to have slept.
“Tell him I’m busy.” Levi snapped, going to shut the door. Her ever-present cheeriness was pissing him off, suddenly. Never had it before; her personality was never something he resented and she was an excellent soldier. He looked at her flatly when she stopped the door with an elbow.
“He says it’s important.” she said, more seriously. Levi pushed her arm away with a finger and began to close the door more gently.
“Tell him I’m resting. I… My foot hurts.” That didn’t sound lame at all. Levi wrinkled his nose at his feeble excuse. Hanji gave him a look that said she knew he was lying, but nodded and let him close his door. Once her footsteps had faded, he threw himself at his desk, tallying and scribbling furiously.
He only realized that it was nearly dark when his head began to ache from squinting at one paper - again, one paper, without even reading the words. He pushed it aside when another infernal knocking came at the door. He opened it and took the tray from another one of the youngsters without a word or a look in their face. He was too worn out to care. He put the tray down gently and went to his cabinet, gathering a ripped and mangled piece of cloth to serve as a cleaning rag. Eyes half closed, he cleaned the tea as best he could, which had already dyed the old wood reddish brown, and swept the bread back onto the tray. Piling everything onto the new tray, already laden with food, he stacked them and left the food to grow cold.
Levi sat until his shadows climbed the wall, broadened, and took over the light completely. When he saw he was sitting in darkness, he lit a match and set a candle by his bed. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted sleep, but he knew what would come, what had come and would come again to everyone in his vicinity - the nightmares, the tall figures reaching over, snatching friends and family, reaching and killing with ease. He thought he had gotten a hold over himself in that way, hardened to it, but he, and the rest of the veterans, soon learned that they never really went away. One just got better at pretending they did. When his door opened, he didn’t look up.
“Christ, I wonder what you’d do if I actually died.” Erwin said from the doorway. Levi hid a flinch as best he could.
“Don’t be an idiot.” He replied dryly, watching his shadow waver with the candle flame. Is it lonely, my shadow? Ah, but where do the dead go if not to visit our shadows and haunt our footsteps? He shot Erwin a withering look, which vanished when he saw the solemn look on the taller man’s face. His left side was in the dark of the hallway and he only stepped in when Levi motioned him to. No sense in letting the entire bunker hear. That was all. Only that.
“You knew the cost after your first day here,” Erwin murmured, leaning against the wall. His shadow jumped and reared behind him.
“I never said I regretted anything,” Levi waved a hand at his chair by the desk for Erwin to sit, but he was ignored. There was silence for a few minutes. Levi’s eyes didn’t meet Erwin’s, instead burning on the empty sleeve where a strong arm once was.
“Do you resent me?” Levi’s gaze flashed to Erwin’s face when he broke the silence. He frowned, not understanding. The other man straightened and stepped closer, moving as if to cross his arms before realizing there was only one to cross. He grimaced. “Do you resent me for coming to you? For leading you to believe I was… untouchable? Immortal? For not being perfect?” Levi broke their gaze with a scoff.
“You didn’t lead me to anything.” he growled, tugging on the bandages around his ankle as if they needed adjusting. “I’m not a little girl, and I’m not a child.” There was a moment of quiet again.
“I’m getting older,” Erwin sighed. Levi glanced at him sharply. He was looking at Levi with mixed amusement and sadness. “Will you still love me when I’m old and ugly?” The dark haired man’s face spasmed, both at the use of ‘love’ and such superficial words.
“What do you take me for?” Levi got to his feet, less smoothly than he had planned. “I’m not shallow, if that’s what you’re implying. I couldn’t care less if you looked like a fucking demented titan, and I’m not that much younger than you! And love! What does love even… What does that have to do with…” He gesticulated his outrage with a flailing arm, slapping it back to his side in annoyance. Erwin’s lips twitched at the suggestion of a smile. Levi knew, as much as he couldn’t suppress his own coldness, that his defiance at feeling warmth towards the other man amused Erwin endlessly. He knew that Levi’s composure hid his feelings from everyone and purposefully stretched his self control to the breaking point.
“That hurts,” he mourned, eyes twinkling. “No love for me, no, none.” He moved as if to embrace Levi, then glanced down at his missing forearm and his face fell, as if just now realizing he couldn’t do what he had always done before. Levi’s eyes widened when he saw Erwin’s expression, and before he could stop or calculate some response, he strode forward and wrapped his arms around Erwin. He felt the other man freeze in surprise and closed his eyes, burying his face in the bloodstained shirt. He resisted the urge to pull back when Erwin chuckled and hugged him back. Levi tried to pour himself into the embrace, wishing he never had to let go, never had to go back out and prepare to lose Erwin again.
"I do love you."
Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me when I’ve got nothin’ but my aching soul?
And then they frick-frack. Thanks for reading >__<