Chapter Text
She closes her eyes tight, so tight fireworks erupt behind her eyelids. She focuses on the pinpricks of light, the designs and patterns that have fascinated her since she was a child and first learned about the trick.
Everything hurts.
Everything hurts and nothing hurts, all at once.
(forgive the insubordination)
She opens her eyes again, looks up at the night sky. She thinks she ought to know the patterns in the stars, but they're so different from Mindoir's constellations and she can't even find north. Her breath burns in her chest, each inhale and exhale more painful than before.
She remembers this feeling, remembers it well. It feels like dying.
Her eyes flutter closed, blocking out the starlight, and she knows it'll be permanent this time. It's okay though, she thinks, that there's no coming back from this one. She made a choice, a choice that ended the war, a choice that saved almost everyone. That'll have to be good enough.
(your boyfriend has an order for you)
She feels herself start to sink into the black, farther away from the starlight. She doesn't see fireworks anymore, only dark. Everything no longer hurts, just nothing hurts now. She can't remember the last time that nothing hurt. It's nice, though unsettling. Breathing is hard, and so she stops.
(come back alive)
(alive!)
That word seems important, comes from somewhere outside her memory. She has three moments of energy, stored so deep inside her heart she didn't know about them until now. She gathers all three together, and with one final push she opens her eyes.
And breathes.