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“Thing is, as I was choking just now, I kept thinking: this is payback for Akhlys. The Fates are letting me die the same way I tried to kill that goddess. And… honestly, a part of me felt I deserved it. That’s why I didn’t try to control the giant’s poison and move it away from me. That probably sounds crazy.”
Jason thought back to Ithaca, when he was despairing over the visit from his mom’s spirit. “No. I think I get it.”
Percy studied his face.
Jason stayed silent for a moment, weighing his words. Just when Percy looked like he was about to change the topic, he spoke.
“I mean that when I felt the Imperial Gold sword go through me and burn my skin, I felt like that was punishment, too.”
His hand went down to his belly where he could almost feel the burn of the scar seething through his clothes, and a wry smile creeped on his face.
“Like some kind of joke - It was a roman, an ultimately traitorous spirit at that, who did it, and the guys from Camp Jupiter probably are saying now I backstabbed them by siding with you, not to mention what happened with mom. So really, I can relate.”
Percy said nothing. When it looked like Jason had nothing more to add, Percy opened his mouth to say something, but Jason continued.
“Look, I get it. Your pain is valid, dude. But you don’t deserve to die - not like this, not ever.
You make mistakes, we all do. But beating yourself up over self-defense that happened in the heat of the moment - that’s understandable.”
Percy chuckled without humour.
“Look, I appreciate the thought, Jason, but we should head back, shouldn’t we?” His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and he seemed to know it because he wouldn’t meet Jason’s gaze.
Jason took a deep breath.
“Yeah, let’s. Wouldn’t want to make them think we actually ended up kicking the bucket in your element.
Jason started when he heard a knock on his door, his mind worn out after guard duty.
“Jason?” a voice whispered. Percy.
“Come in.” Jason said, trying not to slur his words.
Percy came in, but then stood there as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.
“Take a seat.” Jason said, waving in the general direction of the bed, and Percy sat down.
“So, what do you wanna to talk about?” Jason said as gently as possible.
“Why did you think you deserved it?” Percy said, his eyes averted.
Jason tilted his head. “I already told you. What do you mean?”
“I know you said that you think Camp Jupiter thought that.” A brief, choked-sounding laugh wrought its way out of Percy. “But why would that make you believe that you deserved it?”
Jason stared at his hands, folding them in his lap, noticing Percy’s eyes followed the motion.
“Asking whether you believe in fate is stupid, but… See, did the people at Camp Half-Blood immediately try to make you a leader of the people because you’re the sea god’s son?”
Jason heard Percy shuffle, probably frowning while moving.
“Not immediately. They did act weird once I was claimed, but people still trusted Chiron more with leading the camp than me.”
Jason couldn’t help the huff.
“See, that was different in Camp Jupiter. Once I was claimed, they immediately tried to groom me into the praetor position. Offered me a spot in the first cohort, and I refused, picking the least favourite. I figured that if all cohorts really did have the same rights, they’d have no problem and wouldn’t speak up, but they did and I mostly joined to defy them.”
His hands separated and he traced the lines on his forearm with slightly trembling fingers.
“Not that I had a choice about joining in the first place.”
“I heard. I mean, I was thrown in with the cohorts, too, son of the sea god and all - even if they put me in the fifth right away.” Percy said.
Jason nodded, then continued. “Things didn’t stop there. For every good deed I did, they tried to offer me a promotion to get away from these oh-so-awful people. ‘Centurio’, they whispered, ‘then general, and then praetor’ - raising in ranks swiftly. They weren’t stupid enough to tell me personally, but… it was obvious.”
Percy chuckled, a little dark-sounding. “Yeah, they tend to underestimate kids.”
Jason chuckled himself. “For whatever reason anyone might think you’re stupid. Anyway, after destroying the throne on Mount Othrys and slaying the titan, I couldn’t reasonably say ‘no’ anymore, so - praetor it was. People expected Reyna and I would become a couple because we were colleagues, which… that’s still a bit fuzzy. Then I vanished.”
Percy nodded. “I went on multiple quests myself as the leading demigod, but we never really had one of our own leading outside of that, or battles and Capture the Flag, I think. Well, aside from the whole head counsellor thing. Chiron usually takes the responsibility as our instructor, and Mr. D shares the same right if he wants to or not.”
Jason laughed weakly. “Sounds like a dream, at least for the most part. And even then, it’s more like a parliament.” He paused, looking Percy in the eye.
“Promise you won’t take the next thing personally? Because it’s not meant that way.”
Percy raised an eyebrow.
“I’m careful with promises. But I’ll try not to judge.”
“Fair enough.” Jason breathed in and out, feeling more awake after their chat so far.
“So I vanished and was gone for half a year after I defied them and what they called my birthright - my role in life as set by the Fates. Reyna held out with no other praetor. And then you appear - son of a hated god, and you turn everything upside-down. You retrieve the Eagle.” Jason inclined his head. “Thank you for that, by the bye.”
“No problem,” Percy said.
“You help with the ensuing battle. And from one second to another, everyone forgets about their oh-so precious son of the highest god. You’re immediately voted praetor and Reyna takes an interest in you.” His eyes narrowed. “Then I come back and am quickly welcomed, but awkwardly at best, and I feel the pressure flooding back already- and then the attack happens and everyone is happy to follow Octavian’s accusations that I’m traitorous graecus scum. No offense.”
“None taken.” Percy looked guilty. That must be that infamous kicked seal baby face Annabeth had talked about. “It wasn’t - that’s not what I wanted to do, Jason -”
“I don’t blame you for it.” Jason said. Percy looked at him normally again, and Jason returned the look with a wry smile. “You were thrown in there like I was. It’s almost funny how what happened to us kind of mirrors the other, in a messed-up way.”
Percy laughed bitterly. “Oh, tell me about it.”
Jason’s smile turned solemn.
“I defied them - not entering the first cohort and getting easy promotions, but working my way up the ranks instead. Not choosing prestige, but outsiders. Not choosing traditional romance -”
Percy made a noise at that, though whether it was a snort, a huff, or something else, Jason couldn’t tell.
“- but friendship. I challenged them in their ideas instead of just falling in line like a good soldier. And that’s just the things I recall from the top of my head.” Jason shook his head.
“And I lost my memories for it. I sided with reason, I thought, and with Camp Half-Blood, not Camp Jupiter as I would’ve been expected to be. I betrayed them and was backstabbed myself.
Of course I deserved that - I mean, judging from what happened with you... I-I was easy to replace to begin with.” He had to choke out the last words and was fighting back tears and bitterness. Jason had his hands placed in his lap again to keep from fumbling.
Percy scooted closer, one hand raised. “May I?,” he asked, and Jason nodded. He still stiffened when he felt Percy hug him before slumping.
“I made my decision, Percy. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel like I should have died in those ruins.”
Percy hugged him harder, and tears began to flow.
“And I told you - I feel like I maybe should have died from that poison. But I didn’t.”
Jason slowly returned the embrace.
“So you see what I meant? No worth in taking a stab at it.” He said humourlessly, but neither of them commented on his pun.
They separated, and Jason couldn’t help but ask. “So, you told me the basics, but would you mind telling me more of your career as a demigod?”
Percy chuckled, sounding exhausted himself, but more liberated. “Only if you tell me about yours.”
“It’s a deal,” Jason smiled and lay back on his bed. “Just tell me. We can talk and, if needed, fall asleep. We need sleep. And -” he struggled with the words, “And if necessary, we can tell each other - after.” He said it carefully, as if not to test the Fates, as if there would be no ‘after’.
Percy regarded him silently. “That sounds like a plan.”
Jason looked forward to it.
It took time until they got to talk again, longer than Jason would’ve liked. They ended up not dying to Gaea, fortunately, and after the buzz of victory subseded, Percy approached Jason in his cabin. It would not be much longer until Jason would be on the road and fulfilling his duties.
“Come in,” Jason said, raising his head when he saw it was Percy standing on the door. “Ah, it’s you. Take a seat.”
Percy took Jason up on the offer, less awkward than last time. “I wanted to talk to you again,” Percy said. Eyes averted, he added, “I didn’t know how to before, with all that happened.”
Losing Leo still hurt, so the words stung more than they should have, but Jason appreciated the sentiment.
“How are you holding up?” Percy asked.
“I’ll live,” Jason said. “I survived a stab to the gut, I’ll live with a stab to the heart.”
“Dude.” Percy said.
“Don’t appreciate my brilliant jokes?” Jason said with an empty smile. It slipped quickly. “It hurts, just like any other time when I lost someone.”
“Do you wish it had been you?” Percy asked, and Jason jolted at the question.
“You ask that as if you were asked the same, and answered yes.” Jason said.
Percy frowned. “You’re dodging the question, but yes.”
“Kind of, yes. Through fire or storm, it said. It could have been me.” Jason buried his face in his arms. “Maybe it should have been me, Percy.”
“And that’s where I have to stop you,” Percy said with a hand on his shoulder. “This thing is called ‘survivor’s guilt’ and it’s dangerous.”
“You sound like an expert,” Jason said.
“That’s because I started going to one,” Percy answered. When Jason looked up, Percy shrugged. “I have plans, man. Will told me about PTSD after the Titan War... and told me to see a therapist.
I didn’t really have much time for it before -” there it was again, that humourless smile with a handwave as if it was nothing, “- what with the kidnapping and all, but I had a session with a demigod therapist yesterday.” He started rubbing his hand in circles, giving Jason an emphatic look. “You should, too. These talks with you help, but they can’t replace a professional.”
“Look at you, acting all grown-up and mature,” Jason said, eyes at half-lid. “You’re not even a year older than me, Percy.”
“And you have barely an inch on me, that balances it out,” Percy teased back.
They shared a moment of silence.
“Would you mind telling me about this ‘survivor’s guilt’ of yours?,” Jason asked quietly. Percy nodded.
“Back when I was still pretty new to being a demigod, I was on a quest to find some demigods - Nico and his sister, as it turned out.”
Jason raised his head. “I don’t like where this is going.”
Percy nodded. “Well, we managed, but Annabeth got lost in the process, so as usual, some people were sent on a quest. And Bianca, Nico’s sister, was among them.”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “You weren’t?”
Percy shook his head.
“I wasn’t told to go with them, but I was worried about Annabeth. I couldn’t not go. So I went with them in secret and broke the rules.” He took his hand back, turning more towards Jason. “We were on a junkyard and there was a figurine of a game Nico liked. He was so happy and chipper and frankly annoying back then, you wouldn’t have recognized him.” He clenched his fists. “Taking the figurine triggered an alarm and a giant junk robot awakened. Bianca went to shut it down and did it, but never returned, as told by the prophecy.”
Jason blinked. “That’s - harsh. And Nico didn’t take it well.”
Percy shook his head. “I’d promised to keep her safe, and I failed. Nico blamed me, and I blamed myself, for her death and for Nico disappearing after.” He looked Jason directly in the eye. “What happened after isn’t my story to tell, but I blamed myself for it. I still kind of do, just like for what happened to Calypso, who I left behind to help the people here, or Beckendorf and Silena, or Castor, or Michael, or Bob, or Ethan, or - or Luke even.” His voice had grown quieter with each name, and Jason had a feeling that they weren’t the only ones. Hesitating, Jason let his hand hover in the air, unsure of how to act, before he rubbed his hand in soothing circles over Percy’s shoulder.
Jason frowned, concerned. “Percy, that’s not your fault. We can’t save everyone. You did what you had to do, and you did your best.”
“I did. It doesn’t change the fact that I failed,” Percy emphasized, “but I did, and I’m working on it. And I still catch myself looking at Nico and wondering whether he’d still be that upbeat kid if I had managed to save Bianca.”
“I see where you’re getting at.” Jason said. He opened his arms for a hug, and Percy accepted. When they broke apart they smiled. It didn’t quite reach either of their eyes, but still, they smiled.
“Thanks, Percy. I really appreciate it.” He looked down. “I appreciate you.”
“No problem, man,” Percy said. “All in clear communication.”
Jason chuckled. “Man, imagine how awkward things would have been if we hadn’t talked.”
Percy snorted.
“You say that as if your personality allowed leaving people alone.” He patted Jason on the shoulder. “You’re a hopeless people person, and that makes you awesome.”
Jason snorted himself. “And what about you? Have you ever looked back at your history, man?”
Smiling, they went on to a friendly fight of out-praising each other. And later on, they fought in the arena, feeling good about having found an equal in mind and fighting capabilities.