Chapter Text
When Steve woke up, Dustin was gone.
The house was completely silent.
He stood up, holding his jaw for a moment then began his search.
He went to the kitchen, nothing. His room, nothing. His mom's room? Still nothing. Then he heard the sound of water being shut off, in the restroom.
“Shit- Dustin? Open the door, please. I know we argued last night but we can talk about it-”
Dustin opened the door, hair still wet with what looked like an older man’s shirt. “What? I’m alive. I’m selfish but I wouldn’t do anything like that in front of you.” He growled, walking past Steve to his bedroom.
“Sorry- I didn’t- you know what I mean.”
Dustin just nodded, pushing himself to the furthest corner of his bed and covering himself with his blanket.
“…So…cool shirt.”
“It was my dad’s.”
“Oh- cool…uh…wanna talk about him? I don’t think you’ve ever told me about him- Or not. You don’t have to.”
Steve took a seat on the bed.
“Yeah- sure. I mean…where do you want me to start?”
“Anywhere you want, like…what was he like?”
“Yeah- ok. I guess for starters- he’s still alive. My parents split when I was eight. He wasn’t entirely bad. He was a dad.”
Steve laid back, turning to the other boy. “What do you mean?”
“Well…he just did dad things, I guess? He worked, I saw him after school, we had dinner and that was it. We never really talked. My mom was always the one to talk to me and try to convince him to spend time with me. It worked sometimes- I just wish it didn’t. Sometimes he’d take me out for a drive and just speed to see my reaction. It was scary but I never told my mom. It wasn’t as bad as the other things, you know? Plus I didn’t behave as a kid, I should’ve been better. I guess the worst thing he did was leave me asleep in the car during the summer. It wasn’t that bad- plus I’m sure he didn’t mean to…and sometimes he used to stop me when I got back from school…and- and make me stand in front of him as he called me things and told me what was wrong with me. I mean he hit me a few times and drank a lot but- I don’t know. Maybe I deserved it? I should’ve behaved more.” He stopped, looking at Steve, “I just- I can’t forgive him for hitting my mom. I don’t care what he did to me. I was a bad kid. I deserved it- but never my mom. She never deserved how he treated her.”
Dustin turned away from Steve, he had an unreadable expression. He probably didn’t believe him. He probably thought he was weak. Pathetic. He deserved everything that happened to him. He shouldn’t have said anything. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“What- no I- I’m just shocked.” Steve stumbled, sitting up and repositioning himself so he was entirely on the bed facing Dustin. “I just- I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I mean- I have a shitty dad but…but that’s intense.”
“He’s not that shitty. He was with my mom. But…not me.”
“I- Dustin, what he did- that’s not ok. He should’ve never done that to you or your mom. The fact that he made you stand- that’s just not ok. That’s really disgusting. That’s so insanely fucked up of him. You were only eight- how bad can a child be? That’s just not- that’s not forgivable.” Steve stopped for a moment, reaching for Dustin's hand and holding it. “That’s not ok. You didn’t do anything wrong- you were a kid, a really little kid. I’m sorry he did that. It makes me so fucking mad that he even- I’m sorry- I just…you’re an amazing kid. If he couldn’t see that then he never deserved you. I’m sorry that happened man…but you didn’t do anything wrong, there wasn’t anything you could’ve done to change that.”
Dustin pulled his hand away, pulling the blanket closer to his body.
“I don’t know. I know he was wrong. It’s just hard…to not blame myself. I mess up so much.”
“We all slip up at some point. It’s normal.”
“Yeah I know I just- I feel like I deserve the worst, you know? Like I’m just. I’m such a bad person. I deserve everything that hurts me. I deserve to be hit or treated like crap. I hate myself- a lot. I don’t think I deserve to be happy.”
“What do you mean? I mean- I get the context but why do you deserve to? What makes you a bad person? If you’re a bad person then I think everyone has to be.”
“I mean- I’ve never purposely hurt anyone but…I’m selfish. I know that certain things I do hurt people, even if it’s only meant for myself. I know that sometimes I say things I don’t mean. Like yesterday. I’m sorry- I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that or done that. You should’ve beat the shit out of me. I deserved it. I'm so sorry I did that. I thought…I thought that maybe if I provoked you enough you’d be forced to react.” Dustin swallowed dryly, finally removing the blanket to hold a pillow close to his chest.
He wanted to dissolve into the walls, disappear and never return. Never wake up.
“It’s fine. You’re…you’re not selfish. I just don’t know what you mean, you aren’t doing anything that’s hurting anyone. I mean sometimes the kids get upset when you aren’t there but they normally get over it and I’ve never really been hurt by anything you’ve done. I just- I don’t really understand.”
“I- I can show you. I mean it’s super messed up and it’s dumb and I deserve it- I just. Never mind. I'm sorry- I shouldn’t have even brought it up or anything.”
“Show me.”
Dustin stood up and shifted forward so he was sitting beside Steve. He glanced up, receiving a reassuring smile and nod.
It wasn’t exactly comforting but it did help in a way. He just. Felt scared? He didn’t want to be seen differently or make Steve hate him.
He pulled up his shorts and sleeves, exposing the bruises and textured skin. The bruises were dark purple at this point, almost layered. His arms were pink and puffy, the texture dipped into his skin and practically made it seem as if he had huge gashes which never closed. Which they kinda never did. They were old, minus the bruises of course, but they were still prominent. His upper thighs had the same texture, they were only lighter than the ones on his arm. They were the ones he did when it all first started.
Steve did nothing but stare.
He’s gone through hell and up, fought physically impossible beast but never in his life had he ever seen anything like this.
This was Dustin, the kid who always had something sarcastic to say. The kid who jumped into his car when he tried to win Nancy back. The kid who would do anything for him and his friends. He was always happy- he’d never do this. He couldn’t have done this.
“I.” Is all Steve could say, reaching out to touch the other's arm, it couldn’t be real…but it was. He felt the texture- the way it separated and gaped. He then moved his hand to touch his thigh, too aggressively it seemed.
Dustin jumped back, pulling his knees to his chest to hide his bruises.
“I didn’t- I don’t- why? Why did you do that- I don't ....”
“I…I don’t know. It just- helps. I wake up feeling terrible everyday and it just makes me feel better. I- I like it. I know that sounds weird and horrible but- it’s not like that, I swear. It’s just… pretty.”
“How is it pretty? You’re hurting yourself- it’s- it’s not ok Dustin.”
“I know! Ok? I know it’s not ok. Something is obviously messed up with my brain. I’m not stupid. It just helps, ok? It makes me feel better. I can control it and I can make it look how I want. I like them and I don’t know why. It just makes me feel better knowing I’m doing what I deserve.”
Steve stops for a moment, “what else do you do…I know that can’t be all. I just- I need to know, for my own sanity, please.”
He wasn’t sure what he was expecting as a response but that wasn’t exactly it.
“I mean… I purposely take cold showers and sleep without bedsheets and pillows I guess? Sometimes I force myself to hold my hand under hot water or not let myself drink or eat anything all day.”
“Why?”
“Because I deserve to be punished. I deserve to be hurt. I’m not a good person. I deserve to be beaten and ruined. I wish someone would hurt me. I wish someone would kill me, since I so clearly can’t do it myself or do it right. I wish someone would ruin my life. Just destroy me. I deserve it. I wanted you to hit me, I would’ve let you beat the shit out of me. I wouldn’t have fought back. I almost miss my dad for what he would do. I sometimes wish my mom would do the same. I deserve to be hurt- to be ruined in every way possible. I want to lose all reason to keep going. I want everyone to hate me. I want to be hurt.”
It was silent for a solid minute. This wasn’t something you would hear on a daily basis…or something you’d want to hear from a friend. This wasn’t ok.
“You…you don’t deserve that. At all. I don’t know why you feel like this or if we made you feel like this but- no one deserves that. No one deserves to be hurt like that… especially not you. You’re one of the best people I know- you deserve everything possible. I’d do anything to take away your pain. I know you might not believe it but we care about you. I care about you- so fucking much. I’d die for you Dustin- I’d kill for you.” Steve stops for a moment, pulling Dustin into his lap so he can hold him, protect him. “I wish I could make everything better. I love you- I love you so much kid. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you…I don’t know what any of us would do if we lost you. I’m sorry I never noticed- I’m sorry I never realized you needed help. I’m so sorry. I love you Dustin. I don’t know what I can do to help but I’ll do anything. Even if I’m working- just call me and I’ll drop anything I’m doing. Please. Please reach out to me. I wish I could protect you from everything- from yourself. I will do everything possible to help you.”
He felt as Dustin buried his face into his shoulder, crying and wrapping himself around him. He cried- loudly. It all finally came crashing down.
Dustin had never cried this much. He never let himself. His dad used to tell him it was weak, he was a man. Yet…he needs this. He allowed himself to yell into the cry, to sob as Steve held him. It was too much- everything had been too much.
“I love you so much kid. I love you so fucking much. I’m going to be here till forever so never think you have to do this alone. You’re never alone. I’m always going to be here for you. I promise. You can blame me when there’s nothing left to blame- You can do anything. You've always been gold to me- you will always be everything to me. I promise you. I’m always here. I want you to reach out. Please” Steve choked out, holding Dustin tighter as they both cried.
It was comforting, on both ends. They loved each other and that was the truth.
Dustin nodded, wiping his face on Steve’s shirt as he let out a soft laugh.
“Thank you. I will- I’ll try. I want to be here, I want to try and make myself happy. I…I want to get better. For you and for myself. You’re- you’re my brother and I want to be here with you until I’m nothing but bones in the ground.” He laughed, “I want to be here with you for as long as possible. I love you, Steve.”
“You’re my brother. You always will be, Dustin. You’re home, you always will. I love you and I want nothing more than for you to get better. I’ll be here every step of the way. You deserve to get better.”
They stayed like that, holding each other as they soaked in the moment. They were always going to be here for eachother. They were always going to have each other's back, no matter what. Dustin knew that. He finally knew someone cared. He could get better. He will get better.
For himself and Steve.