Chapter Text
Jim was frankly tired of not knowing what was going on and he needed answers. So now he was jogging about Spock down the corridor, earning several confused looks and making a complete fool of himself as always.
“Spock!” Jim yelled, running after the Vulcan who was practically marching down the hall at an alarming speed. “Spock!”
He didn’t even respond to that which was setting off more alarms in Jim’s mind. Either he was consciously ignoring Jim or the more likely reason, that he was so angry that it drowned out all noise. It took Jim catching up to Spock and grabbing his arm for the Vulcan to realize someone was calling him at all.
“Captain,” He said as if Jim hadn’t been chasing him down this whole time. “What is the issue?”
“What is your issue?” Jim asked, hoping he didn’t sound accusatory but by the way Spock raised his eyebrow, it seemed he’d failed. Somehow they ended up at their quarters and the Vulcan punched in the code, Jim following him inside.
“Clarify.” Spock said stiffly as soon as the door closed.
Jim took a deep breath, his hands coming to squeeze Spock’s arms in apology. This time his voice was softer. “What is going on between you and Sybok?”
“What is ‘going on’?” Spock practically scoffed.
“Look, I know he’s your brother and siblings can be annoying, but whatever is going on is clearly more than that. And I’d like to know what’s going on,” Jim rubbed Spock’s arms almost pleadingly. “You’ve been so closed off since he got here. I want to help but I can’t if you don’t let me.”
“This is not a matter you can help with, Jim,” The Vulcan murmured after a moment, stepping away from Jim’s touch. That felt like a slap in the face, his bondmate’s rejection of his touch.
“Spock,” Jim pleaded.
“The issue between Sybok and me is…complicated.”
“Life is complicated, babe. Nothing you carry is too heavy for me. That’s what partners are for.”
Spock drew in a deep breath, words stilted on his tongue.
“What did he even do? He seems like a decent person who loves you-”
“He does not love me,” Spock spat suddenly. “He never loved me.”
“He does! I’ve seen the way he talks about you!” Jim stepped closer, arms spread wide in question. “He loves you more than my brother ever cared about me! So what exactly did he do to make you so angry?” Jim may have been yelling at this point.
“He abandoned me!” Spock’s voice shook Jim out of his anger but it was too late. The fury in Spock’s eyes had glazed over any other negative emotion except pain. “He left me like I was nothing, like everyone does, like you-”
Spock clamped his mouth shut, his lips trembling as he all but ran out of Jim’s quarters.
Jim just stood there, wishing he could take it all back. Spock may as well have finished that sentence.
Like you will too.
-----
“Jim!” The woman on the PADD lit up.
“Hey Amanda.”
“Aw honey what’s the matter?” She could always tell when something was wrong with him, most likely a result of dealing with Vulcans who only showed minute reactions to everything.
“I upset Spock. Sybok is onboard.”
“Ah yes,” She nodded solemnly. “Sybok reached out to us a few weeks ago apologizing for what had happened. Sarek is having a bit of a hard time but he does forgive him.”
“That’s what I’m calling you about. What happened between Sybok and Spock?”
Amanda’s eyes widened. “He didn’t tell you?”
Jim just shook his head.
“God, Jim, it was awful. Poor Spock was Sybok’s pet. They were inseparable. Spock was attached to Sybok from the very beginning. I never saw Spock happier than when he was with his brother. But Sybok and Sarek started fighting about his influence on Spock. Well one night when Spock was ten, it got pretty heated and Sybok just packed up a duffle bag and left like that. It was raining but Spock didn’t care. Sybok got in a hovercab and Spock ran after him as far as he could but it wasn’t enough.”
There was a stifled silence before Amanda could continue. “Spock wouldn’t come out of his room for weeks and he hated Sarek for years for taking his best friend away. He just never was the same after that.”
“Oh god,” Jim groaned, mentally reprimanding himself as he sunk his head into his head. “I’m an idiot.”
Amanda shrugged sadly. “It happens to the best of us. All you can do is apologize-”
There was a chime at the door that made Jim jump. His heart sped up when he realized it must be Spock. “Amanda, there’s someone at the door. Can I call you back?”
She nodded. “Good luck, Jim.”
And with that, she hung up. And Jim stood up, rushing over to the door to open it. There was a Vulcan standing there but it wasn’t Spock. “Sybok.”
“Captain. May I come in?”
“Y-yes of course. What’s the matter?” Jim stepped back to let Sybok in, who just stood in the room awkwardly.
“I fear I’ve caused some tension between you and Spock,” The Vulcan started, “Which was never my intention. I assume you two are in a relationship?”
“Yeah,” Jim said, surprised that it was that obvious.
“I just wanted to apologize. Whatever he’s told you, he has a right to be angry.” Sybok looked down at his feet guiltily. “Do you know how to locate him?”
“Computer, locate Commander Spock.”
The computer answered, “Commander Spock is on Observation Deck 3.”
----
Spock was thankful the Observation Deck was empty. He was sitting on the seated ledge that stretched across the viewscreen, looking out at the stars. He was hugging his knees even though he knew the action was childish, and his fingers ghosted over the worn logo of the faded baseball cap. Sybok had bought the hat during a baseball game on Earth and let Spock wear it when the Vulcan sun was too piercing.
“What about you?” Spock had asked as Sybok carried him on his back.
“I’m older, I have superpowers. You’ll get yours one day too,” He promised. “But Amanda will kill me if you get heatstroke.”
The hat had been enormous once. Once. Spock had thought the world of it but it was just a regular hat. It was just another common item to be thrown away.
Sybok had only taken a duffle bag. Spock heard his rushed packing and came out of his room to see Sybok already down the stairs, yelling at Sarek. And then his hovercab came and he was gone. He hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye. Nor did he stop when Spock ran after him in the mud and the rain. Spock had tripped and fallen, scraped his knee. But the cab never stopped.
Spock sat in Sybok’s room, looking at the movie posters and the art, wishing his brother would walk through that door and apologize. But he never did come back.
At first he blamed Sarek, but then he just blamed himself.
He promised himself he’d never think about Sybok again and yet he’d kept the hat. All this time, twenty years later, and he still had this stupid, worthless hat.
Spock threw the cap, not wanting to touch the scathing object anymore.
Distantly he heard the deck doors swish open, but he was looking at the viewscreen.
“I wished to be alone, Jim,” He said.
“I am not Jim,” A familiar voice replied and Spock felt sick. He looked at Sybok for a brief moment to confirm it was him before pointedly turning back to the stars. “Spock,” Sybok pleaded.
Spock wouldn’t look at him, not even when he sat down on the ledge next to him.
“Can we talk?”
“I do not wish to speak to you.”
“I’m sorry for what happened,” Sybok continued anyway, scooting closer. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from the fallout.”
“You caused the fallout,” Was Spock’s harsh reply. “You did not care who you hurt in your wake, and you certainly did not care about me.”
“That’s not true,” Sybok said almost desperately. “I care about you so much.”
“You do not leave people you care about in the mud .” Spock glared at him, finally meeting his gaze for just a second before returning back to the viewscreen. Sybok visibly winced. He deserved that, he guessed.
“Sarek wouldn’t let me say goodbye. He wanted me gone,” He tried to explain. “I wanted to, I really did, Spock. But I could not. I missed you everyday.”
“And yet you did not call. You did not write or try to stay in contact at all. Twenty years later and you suddenly just show up and expect me to forgive you?”
“Not right away. I know it will take some time, but I want to rebuild our relationship. I want my brother back.”
“I am not your brother,” Spock stiffened, coiling into himself.
“I can’t believe you kept this hat,” Sybok said after a while. He must’ve picked it up as he walked over here. “You used to love this hat.”
Spock didn’t say anything, eyes trained on the passing stars.
“I remember one summer I left with my friends for a couple of weeks to travel the Rigel system. Amanda told me you waited by the window everyday wearing this cap waiting for me to come back. I pulled up to the house and you were there, happier than ever to see me. I was even happier to see you. What you didn't know was that I came home a week early because I missed you so much.”
Spock glanced at him and Sybok, emboldened, continued with a sad smile.
“It feels like just yesterday you were young enough to ride on my back. You were such a personality back then, a beaming ray of sunshine, always smiling. You used to be so happy. You do not smile anymore.”
Sybok drew in a shaky breath, his heart clenching.
“I do not regret leaving home because I needed to be out on my own. I needed to figure out who I am, but I do regret leaving you. You were the one person who believed in me and leaving you hurt me so so much. I hate that I’ve hurt you, because you are the greatest person I know. You are so good, Spock. I was supposed to protect you from the hurt but I caused that. I am going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”
“A minute will be sufficient,” Spock said with a gentle smile. Sybok’s eyes widened in surprise and delight as a grin cracked across his lips.
Sybok couldn’t resist pulling Spock into a fierce hug which the half-Vulcan reluctantly melted into.
“I’m so sorry Spock,” Sybok just whispered over and over again. “I never should have left you.”
“What matters is that you came back,” Spock said, gently pulling away from the hug.
“Yes, I did,” Sybok smirked before grabbing the baseball cap and putting it on Spock. “You look like a doorknob.”
Spock just rolled his eyes. “It is your hat. Perhaps your head is doorknob-shaped.”
-----
Just a week later, the religious diplomats set off and the senior crew came to wish them goodbye. Sybok was smiling and being overly flattering as always.
“Thank you for your hospitality, captain. It was most appreciated.” Sybok went in for a hug which Jim was pleasantly surprised by. In Jim’s ear, Sybok whispered, “I sent you all of Spock’s baby pictures.”
Jim let out something close to a squeal which caused Spock(who was standing next to him) to give him the raised-eyebrow look of confusion.
Sybok moved onto Spock, giving him a dutiful nod. “ Take care, Spock.”
“ I will, sa-kai, ” Spock replied almost fondly and whatever he said made Sybok misty-eyed. And then Sybok ruffled Spock’s hair and Spock was not amused by that, but Bones was laughing his ass off. Sybok just winked at his brother as Spock quickly tried to fix his hair.
“Take care all,” Sybok said from the transporter pad, raising the ta’al. Spock returned the gesture until the beams faded and Sybok was gone.
-----
“I’m glad you two made up,” Jim said a while later when he and Spock were wrapped up in each other in their bed after hours. “I never like seeing you unhappy.”
“I apologize for pushing you away,” Spock murmured as Jim laid halfway on top of him, playing with the soft curls on Spock’s chest. Jim had always been fascinated by the hair on his chest since the moment they’d first started dating. “You were right.”
“Sorry?” Jim raised his head from Spock’s chest in mock-confusion. Spock knew exactly what he was doing. “Didn’t quite catch that last part.”
“You were right my love,” Spock acquiesced, kissing the top of Jim’s head. Jim just leaned forward and kissed him for real, a kiss that Spock returned wholeheartedly.
“Just remember that I’m here for you. And I love you.”
“I love you too, ashalik,” Spock smiled softly, his hand carding through Jim’s golden hair.
“Sweetheart?”
“Yes Jim?”
“You know I will never leave you.”
Spock pulled him closer, nuzzling his shoulder.
“Yes Jim.”