Chapter Text
Caitlyn felt nervous as she approached the burger restaurant where she was meeting Janet for lunch. The two had only talked yesterday after spending four days apart and not having contact with each other at Caitlyn’s request. She was tired and felt she needed some distance after spending so much time caring for her mother. It had consumed a lot of her emotional energy, and she needed to take time for herself. Luckily, Janet’s emotions had started to stabilize again, so she understood and agreed to back off unless there was an emergency.
By Monday, though, Caitlyn was refreshed and decided to reach out to her mother before her neurologist appointment to wish her good luck, as well as let her know it was OK to reach out and let her know how it went. Janet had happily called her afterward with the news that she could return to the hospital whenever she was ready.
Not, it was Tuesday, Janet’s first day back at work (naturally, she had planned her return after getting approval and her duty restrictions), and Caitlyn couldn’t help but feel anxious for her, even though she was due to finish for the day soon. She was only working half days the first day or two to catch up and readjust, and she’d been cleared to handle minor, routine procedures outside of the OR. If she didn’t feel well at any point she had to go home, and since Caitlyn hadn’t gotten any word of canceled lunch plans, she assumed Janet was feeling fine. That was enough to help her relax while she waited.
Caitlyn had even managed to absolve herself of the guilt that plagued her from their argument. She’d gotten together with Shannon on Sunday and went to a meeting with her last night. Much like Janet needed meetings to maintain sobriety, Caitlyn remembered she needed Al-Anon to best balance her love for her mother with her own needs. She wished she’d never made excuses to not go to begin with, especially since Shannon spent extra time with her on both Sunday and Monday to let her vent and ask for any advice she needed.
“Can I get you a table?” A cheerful hostess noticed Caitlyn standing at the front of the restaurant, keeping an eye on the door.
“Sure,” Caitlyn replied. “There’s going to be two of us. I’m just waiting for my mom.”
“No worries. Right this way.”
Sitting down, she texted Janet. Towards the back by a picture of Wrigley.
Thanks, honey. I’ll be there soon. Had to remember where we were going. Brain overload.
Caitlyn thought of asking what was wrong, but she stopped herself. She figured it made sense for Janet to feel overloaded after almost two weeks off with a concussion. Not only that, but she also didn’t want arguments to break out in a text message of all places if Janet felt like she was being nagged again.
She started reading the menu and ordered herself a water while she waited, since there was no caffeine-free soda on hand. Her heart hadn’t been feeling too out of whack, but she was still trying to avoid caffeine until she could see her doctor again.
Finally, she heard a voice say that her daughter had already gotten a table, and she saw Janet approaching her with a smile. Janet looked as polished as ever, almost as if nothing had happened two weeks ago.
“There you are,” Caitlyn slid her a menu. “Glad you made it.”
“Did I scare you with the brain overload message?”
“A little. But I knew as long as you hadn’t told me you needed to cancel that you were still on the way. I’m guessing the first day was crazy, huh?”
“My work life is always insane,” Janet grinned. “But today was even more so. I went in for 8 instead of 7, which was fine because there was coverage and I wasn’t on the floor much anyway. I met with Vicky for a while so we could go through my inboxes, and she caught me up on what I missed. She was patient, thank goodness, because at one point I stopped her so I could lie down in an empty postpartum room.”
“Headache?”
“Not much. But I told you…the fatigue is going to be the hardest thing to get past. The good news is, that after about 10 or 15 minutes lying down, I was fine and I got back with her to finish up.”
“Good. Did you get to see any patients or were you in your office pretty much?”
“Most of the day I was in front of papers and the computer, unfortunately, but I did go down to the ER with one of my residents for a PID consult. That was pretty textbook; my resident just went with me as a backup. We told the patient she was assisting me, and the patient was none the wiser. But no deliveries or surgeries. I’m hoping by the end of the week I can at least do non-emergency deliveries.”
“Tomorrow, I’m only going to work in the afternoon and do routine stuff in the clinic. Vicky will take high-risk and first prenatal appointments, especially since first appointments are longer. I hope I can stay awake while going from one appointment to another. A nap on an exam table is super uncomfortable.”
Caitlyn giggled. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. It must be hard, though, coming back after two weeks out and still not feeling 100%.”
“It sucks but it has to happen sometime,” Janet shrugged. “I have to break information down into small pieces too so I can absorb it more easily, so I’m trying to figure out a strategy for tomorrow where I can talk to my patients and not have them catch on to anything being wrong. I may have to ask them more questions so they can’t give super long answers all at once, or ask a nurse to deal with some of the more complex history questions. The good thing is, all of this is only temporary. But frustrating for sure. I have to note every day how I did so all the necessary people can decide if I’m ready for more responsibility or if I should stay on light duty.”
“Do you have any more doctor’s appointments?"
“No, not unless my symptoms come back and persist. I have to watch for the typical stuff: dizziness, light and sound sensitivity, nausea, and headaches. Like I told you, I have to go home if I experience any of that, or if I get tired and can’t seem to rebound after a short rest period. That’s why I’m on lower risk and routine stuff, because there’s concern that I wouldn’t be able to keep up in an emergency right now. To be honest, I’m kind of glad I’m not in the OR for now anyway because I’d probably get a headache under all the bright lights or feel stressed by any arguing or urgency.”
“But enough of my day,” Janet sipped her soda and grabbed a few chips. “What have you been up to since Wednesday?”
“Well, I met with my sponsor and went to a meeting last night--”
“That’s my girl.”
“And…” Caitlyn gave her a small smile. “I applied for a job over the weekend and I heard from the hospital today. The nurse manager wants to interview me on Friday. She said she’ll meet with me in the afternoon so I can get some sleep after work, and she seems nice.”
“Good for you!” Janet smiled back at her. “So, what are the details? I hope it's for labor and delivery, but postpartum is acceptable too.”
“Mom…”
“OK, fine.”
“It’s a scrub nurse position at Northwestern.”
“Interesting choice.” Janet raised her eyebrows. “What shift?”
“Second, mostly, but the nurse manager said if she ever has a need on first shift, I may be able to do that. I know it sounds crazy to you, but I always get good feedback on performance reviews on how well I communicate with pediatricians. My boss said that doctors tell her I act like I’m a team member and their equal, not just an order taker.”
“Well, that’s definitely an asset in the OR. When I’m operating, the scrub nurses hand me tools, yes, but I also rely on them to talk to me when things are going south and we can decide what to do. They also know the patient’s history and any allergies or pre-existing conditions, and they play a big role in maintaining the sterile field. They don’t just stand there and wait for me to give orders. But you’re very conscientious, and since you communicate well at work, I’m sure you can learn the surgical environment quickly.”
“But if you go for the interview and you don’t think it’s for you or you don’t click with your potential manager, just keep looking. No big deal. You do know that any nursing job has its own stressors; it's just knowing what you can live with.”
“One thing, though,” Janet took a break to sip her soda. “If you do like the sound of this job, find out if Dr. Benton still works there. He worked at County for a while, did his residency there and everything. He’s not a bad guy…just not super social and definitely very serious and focused in surgery. He doesn’t take any crap. That said, if you can focus in his OR and make him happy with your work, you can handle anything.”
“Thanks for the advice.” Caitlyn finished a bite of her burger. “It seems like it’ll be a big change and I have some doubts about whether I can handle the environment, especially if it’s an emergency surgery. But I like the schedule because even though I’d have to rotate call on holidays and weekends with the other scrub nurses, working mid shift would give me more time with you and Dad, and Drew when he visits.”
“And oh, I haven’t scrubbed in for surgery since nursing school.”
“I think I can help,” Janet assured her. “If you decide you want this job and you get it, come over and we can work with soaps and other things I have on hand. We’ll practice in the bathroom sink and I’ll refresh your memory. I know it won’t be the same as using the real things in a scrub room, but I can show you all the same since the scrub room at County would be off limits to you.”
“I’d like that. You’re a good teacher, I’m sure.”
“Of course I am.”
“In all seriousness,” Caitlyn added. “I know ORs can be so high stakes. Not that working with kids isn’t, but what if I can’t handle everything or I don’t work well with surgeons like I do with pediatricians? Or what if I’m not as good at interacting as I am when I’m on the floor?”
“The only way you’re going to find out is to interview for the job and ask as many questions as you can. If this nurse manager is as nice as you say, she’ll answer your questions and be honest. And it’s no different than being a doctor who has to choose their specialty for residency, with the exception that it’s much easier for nurses to change to something else.”
“Kind of funny you say this actually, because I’ve had the same conversation with plenty of students about specialties if they’re not sure about OB/GYN, or even if they decide they want nothing to do with it. We all have strengths and weaknesses, as well as personal limits. I told one student who was trying to decide between ER and OB…you know, I’d hate being an ER doctor. I like spending more time focusing on one case; I’m not a fan of the treat ‘em and street ‘em approach and I’d be stressed out seeing the patients on beds in the hallways and then having a trauma come in. But there are lots of doctors who thrive on that. And she ended up in the ER so she could have more variety. I’m doing what I love: counseling patients and taking my time to go over their options and questions, not to mention being there for one of the biggest moments of their lives.”
“The point is, what’s right for my career or any nursing students you might mentor won’t be right for you. And that’s OK. You’ll find your way if you keep your options open and notice what you like and where you struggle.”
“Yeah. Ellie said the only part of ER nursing she hates is when the hallways get filled with patients.”
“So, anyway…” Caitlyn continued. “Are you happy to be back at work? I know it’s all you wanted for two weeks or so.”
“I got asked that a few times today,” Janet replied. “I must have looked tired when I was down in the ER because Cate pulled me aside to talk, and she brought that up. I think she was half-sarcastic, half-serious, but I told her…you know, I’m not so sure if I’m happy to be here.”
“Is it just because you’re overwhelmed?”
“Well, that’s part of it. And reality hit that right now, other people decide what I can do and when, so I can’t do a lot of procedures or see many patients. I know I said I accepted it, but it’s harder to experience it.”
“The other thing is something I didn’t tell you until now. I’ve been flashing back to a couple weeks ago. I see myself falling down and getting hurt, and I’m trying not to relive how bad I felt in the hospital. Even though they treat plenty of people in worse shape than I was, it’s jarring to think about how I was the patient and struggling. It was a scary experience. I’m not really ‘over it’ emotionally.”
“Have you talked to anyone else about this?”
“I haven’t yet. I had to cancel my last counseling appointment. Christina told me I could call her when I was feeling better, and she said she’d see me for 30 minutes if that’s all I felt up to. But please don’t get on my case. I need to readjust to working first before I do that, and I did call Julia on Sunday after church and talk to her. I’m managing.”
Caitlyn looked up and nodded. “OK. As long as you’re going to talk to someone, I’ll trust you.”
“Thank you. How are you doing knowing that I was going back to work today?”
“I was thinking of you last night before bed. I wished that you’d be OK today.” She smiled, knowing she didn’t have the kind of faith Janet had in her life, but she was trying her best. “And then I slept the best I have in the last month or month and a half. It’s like…I don’t know. You know how I feel about the church thing. That I’m more agnostic right now. But when I woke up, I thought, maybe the restful sleep I had was a sign that you’re going to be OK and I shouldn’t worry about it anymore.”
“How is it that you’re my mother and worry less about me than I do about you?”
“Wait, hold on here,” Janet started laughing. “You think I don’t worry about you and Drew?”
“I mean…I don’t mean it…shoot…” Caitlyn was tripping over her words and all of a sudden couldn’t articulate what she was getting at.
“It’s OK. I know you’re not implying that I don’t care about you two. But believe me, sweetie, I do worry. Remember that I was telling you a few weeks ago to call me after your doctor’s appointments and cardiac testing. I keep my cool on the outside; you know that. But inside I’m stressing out, hoping you don’t have any serious heart conditions and wondering how I can help you if you do. When you were last depressed, I looked at my phone and pager constantly because I was worried about certain types of calls. I do freak out when you’re hurting…just not in the way you do when I’m sick or hurt.”
“You’re used to putting up a wall, though,” Caitlyn told her. “It’s all you’ve known for years. So, it makes sense I guess that you’d look composed even when you’re afraid for me.”
“That, or you guys are adults now. I’ve done what I can to be a good mother, and even though I’m still trying, I trust that you can handle yourselves. But a parent never stops worrying and hoping for the best. Which is what will make you a good mother when you’re ready.”
“Thanks.” Caitlyn smiled. “I still want to have a baby eventually. Maybe just one, though. I don’t think I can handle more than that.”
“Well, some women want to go the one and done route. I’ve had patients like that, and I tell them it’s just as valid as wanting eight kids.”
“But I told you. I know why you watch over me and worry. I also understand that it’s hard for you to blindly trust me, which is why I try to keep my recovery as visible as possible to you. Still, if you took anything away from these last two weeks, it’s that I want to feel cared for and listened to the same way I’d do for you. I’m not a robot or a puppy dog. I need help and want to scream or cry sometimes too.”
“That’s fair. You know...I know you have friends both at AA and outside of it…but you can talk to me anytime too. I have to admit, it was nice to talk to you today after your appointment and hear the relief in your voice that you were going back to work. I told you you’d overcome this, remember?”
“I really appreciate you saying that,” Janet briefly turned away to compose herself. “You know, even if you didn’t communicate it to me perfectly, you were right in a way. I couldn’t have gotten through these last couple weeks without somebody’s help. And I’m so thankful you stayed at my place and that I got to hear from all the important people in my life. I’m just not working long enough this week to see Tracy and thank her because she’s still working evenings, but I’ll get to her soon enough.”
“I bet she’d like to hear that. I mean, you and I are blessed in our jobs because patients and their families thank us a lot. But I’m sure she doesn’t get the gratitude she deserves at times. You should tell her. It’ll probably make her day, even if you have to wait a week or two to catch up with her.”
The server dropped off their check and Caitlyn reached for her wallet, but Janet held up a hand. “Don’t even think about it,” she said. “This is on me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course. You deserve it. After everything you did for me, I think I can afford to buy you a burger. I told Drew I’d get the bill next time he was in town, too.”
“Oh yeah, I did call him when you and I were on our mini break. He gave me some good advice about not being too emotionally attached to work, which was timely for him since he’s thinking about going back to school. He doesn’t think the work it takes to put on a sports event is worth the pay, so he was looking at going into physical therapy or something to keep working with athletes. And then he told me that it sounds like I did a great job with you while you were recuperating. I felt like you…like it was kind of awkward to hear the recognition. But it meant a lot to have it come from both of you.”
“I wish he’d move back.” Caitlyn looked sad for a minute, and she let out a sigh. “It would have helped in a situation like this.”
“I do too,” Janet agreed. “But you know…just like I told you to be happy with your life and do what makes you feel good, he’s doing that for himself. And if you want to move a few hours away or transfer your license elsewhere, I would be sad, but I’d support it. What matters is that we’re a family. Times like this are where I’m grateful we’re all together again.”
“Yeah, I can see your point. I mean, I’m sure you have friends who would’ve helped you and stayed with you, but if you can’t count on family for this, what can we count on each other for?”
“You’re absolutely right,” Janet replied. “I would have dropped everything for you or Drew and camped out at your place in a minute if the roles were reversed.”
“I know.”
They stood up and put their coats on, and Janet put an arm through Caitlyn’s as they were walking out of the restaurant.
“So your job interview is Friday, and then when do you go to therapy again?” she asked.
“Next Thursday. Kathleen couldn’t fit me in next Wednesday, so Thursday was close enough to still be within the two-week window she was aiming for. I think I’ll feel much better by then.”
“I’m sure you will. Don’t forget to call me and let me know how everything goes and what you’re thinking about the job. And stay healthy. That’s what’s most important.”
“You too. Don’t push yourself too much the rest of the week.”
“I’ll try not to,” Janet laughed. “No promises, though…”
When Caitlyn gave her a glance, she relented. “All right, you win. Yes, I will follow all the orders I’m given and monitor myself.”
Caitlyn looked up at her again. “You do look really good. I’m happy you’re back to your normal self. Could you stop going into the ER as a patient though? I think twice in less than three years is enough excitement for a while.”
“No promises,” Janet replied. “But again, I’ll do my best. Archie told me if I’m not careful I’ll start acquiring frequent flier miles.”
They shared a last laugh and a hug, and Caitlyn looked back at her mother one more time before they each headed for home. As if someone unknown to her was watching, the sun started peeking slightly through the gray winter skies, and Caitlyn took notice. She looked up for a minute and smiled before starting the car.
The worst days of the last two weeks had passed.
Maybe everything would be OK after all.