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Dear readers,
I've put a lot of thought and effort into this fic, and I'm insanely proud of it. This whole thing started off as a single stray thought, and it's turned into far more than I'd ever thought possible. With every single chapter of this fic, I've surprised myself with the quality of the final product, and with my own ability. And even more, I've impressed myself with the dedication I've put forth, in writing as much as I have. That said, the rate at which I've been making new chapters has kept going down. I'd like to take this time to talk about why, and what this means for The M Word.
I value achievement: I always feel most proud of myself when I've accomplished something, and a lot of my self-worth is tied to my productivity. And when I accomplish something, I have a tendency to set new, higher goals. I always want to improve, to be my best, and to achieve greater things. When done in moderation, this is a great tool to challenge oneself and grow as a person, artist, gamer, underwater basket-weaver, or whatever else. That said, it can spiral out of control into perfectionistic thinking.
I've always considered myself to be meticulous, detail-oriented, and someone who takes pride in their work. While this is a personal strength, it also makes me very prone to perfectionism. Perfectionism can lead to ever-higher standards, which can lead back to perfectionism, into a spiral. While that spiral might seem to go upwards, it's easy to push too hard, or fly too close to the sun, and come crashing down. This is what has happened to me.
With every chapter of The M Word, I've tried very hard to make it the absolute best thing I possibly could. I've never considered myself to be an artist of any sort, but I've absolutely fallen in love with this fic, and I want to see it thrive. In fact, I had a dream just last night (at the time I'm writing this) where I carried Em to the ends of the earth to keep her safe and ensure she could be well-cared-for.
With almost every chapter, I've met my own expectations, and often exceeded them. That said, there are a few chapters that I'm almost embarrassed of, because one or two of my standards hadn't quite been met when I released them... and I've had rather strict rules about editing things I've already published. But every single one of these chapters have a few things in common: they all took me "way too long" to write, they all involved me agonizing for very long periods of time trying to find the ideal, or at least thinking that's what I was doing instead of writing... and they all have chapter numbers with a 2 in the tens place.
So, without me even realizing it, my standards for The M Word have crept higher and higher with each passing chapter... and another symptom of my perfectionism is that I avoid tasks when my ability feels like it's not enough to meet my standards.
At this point, The M Word has, in my mind, become a madonna, an angel: something so incredibly beautiful and powerful that I could never possibly dare to hope to reach it. This boggles my mind, considering that it's something I made. It seems unreal, or impossible, but... here we are. Without that hope for achievement, I simply can't write.
From the very beginning, my plan was to end the fic the moment that someone actually said the titular M word. At this point in the story, Shadow has resolved when and how that's going to happen: once 'Emily Geraldova' is an established legal entity, he's going to go to the door outside, hold it open for her, and say, "Welcome to Earth, Maria."
That hasn't happened yet, there's still one more chapter to go, the fic is incomplete--that's what I tell myself. I might even be tempted to think that I must not love the fic enough to write this final chapter, but the truth is that I can't write it because I love it too much.
I had other plans for the chapter, too. But there were so many things I couldn't do, that it became utterly impossible for me to write the scene: I couldn't have any more on-screen characters, no matter how unimportant or glossed-over; I couldn't establish anything concrete about the outside world, to keep the fic open to happen at any point in any timeline; I couldn't have any time-skips; I couldn't have Em narrate over anything 'without a really good reason'; I couldn't let anything be less than 100% believable; and so on. All the while, I still had to give Em a new legal identity, an established answer to my internal Geraldova-versus-Geroldova debate, and--most importantly--an emotionally climactic and satisfying ending.
I feel bad for ending the fic like this. I feel like I owe you, dear reader, the finale of my dreams. I know, as an author, I don't owe you anything, but... if I don't owe it to you, then I feel like I at least owe it to The M Word. I feel like I owe it to Em. I feel like I owe it to myself. At the absolute least, this fic deserves closure, so that's what I'm doing now.
I'm currently in therapy, trying to lower my standards (not just for The M Word, but for nearly every facet of my life) to healthier levels. Something I've been trying to tell myself is, essentially, if I can't do it according to my standards, that doesn't mean I can't do it. The exact way I've phrased it is, "Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly," and providing closure to this fic is something I definitely think is worth doing.
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I've always planned to hand Em over to the world once The M Word is done. To anyone interested in potentially writing a fic involving her, you have my permission and my blessing. I just ask that you add the tag "Emily Geraldova" to the fic. I'd also appreciate it if you'd include a link to The M Word in the notes, comments, or whatever else, but that's honestly secondary. (And when/if I write any more stories with Em, don't feel like you have to consider them 'canon' to the character.)
And to every reader, I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I hope you've enjoyed my fic even half as much as I have.
Most sincerely,
GaySarahK