Chapter Text
Peter has a lot of regrets. With how long he’s been in the suit, it’d be impossible for him not to. There was always a person he couldn’t save, a time he wasn’t fast enough, a time he wasn’t around both literally and figuratively - his mind too preoccupied with his own nonsense to register what was going on with friends or May.
He’s tried working on that.
It’s a continual lesson of trying to find the balance between Peter and Spider-Man, he isn’t sure he’ll ever learn how to fully shrug the burden the suit brings him when he’s out of it, but it’s something he doesn’t need to put on anyone else’s shoulders.
When Peter was a kid, he kept a lot from his aunt. For the best part of a year, he kept his identity a secret. As much as she put on a brave face, she was still grieving Ben. He knew that she was struggling to cover every role a parent should. May couldn’t be what Ben had been to him, but she tried to make up for it and it was hard.
Telling her that he was going out every night, fighting crime, catching buses and stopping petty theft - putting himself on the line as a way to atone for his part in Ben’s death.
He had just gotten his powers. He was excited and maybe a little arrogant about it all. He had big ideas about what to do with them and Ben was dragging him back down, complaining that he was shrugging responsibilities he had at home, forgoing his chores and ignoring the leaking sink he’d promised to help fix because Ben’s back was playing up and he couldn’t bend to see under the unit.
That all felt small because he had superpowers. It didn’t matter.
He and Ben had fought about his attitude. His uncle tried to remind him of what they owed to each other and Peter had snapped. He’d gotten petty. If Ben wanted him to focus on things that didn’t matter, why should he care about one guy trying to rob a store? He wasn’t a cop. He wasn’t a hero . He was just a kid who was picking up dessert to apologise for not fixing a sink.
Afterwards, May told him it wasn’t his fault. Peter fixed the sink not two days later. It was his job now. He never told her quite how wrong she was. That started a pattern that continued when Tony entered their lives. When Peter drifted too far into trying to be an avenger and live up to the idea of a hero that he had in his head, thinking that’d solve it all, and fell back into bad habits, he didn’t tell her about that.
It was for her sake.
Years down the line, when they’ve worked through that and he tells her a lot of things, he still believes it was the right thing to do. He doesn’t tell her everything now and he stands that choice. It’s for the best.
Maybe that’s why he’s mildly annoyed at Tony.
He hadn’t wanted MJ to know that he was preoccupied by Connors. It was Janey’s day and what Peter was doing was just standard. There was no need for those two things to intersect and yet Tony had told her and forced them to.
He knew that wasn’t really the problem. It was just easier for him to focus on that than to consider the distrust he’d heard in MJ’s voice earlier that day. That’d stung more than the hot water streaming down onto his skin and rolling into the scratches along his chest.
It was easier to pick a fight with Tony in his head than to think about how at odds he felt with MJ right now and what it said for them going forward. Unsure of how to really make it up to both Janey and her.
It’d all felt a little easier before she knew, but his secret coming out had been the catalyst for them finally taking a small step forwards. It was as complicated as being Spider-Man had ever been.
He stands in the shower, lifting his head to the ceiling. There’s some mould starting to grow in the very corner. He should check the vents but he likes how steamy the room is right now, a relief on his joints and his muscles. If he strains his ear, he can hear next door with Janey’s shrieking laughter and heavy footsteps following a deep murmur that he presume is Jackson. MJ’s probably on the phone, ordering their food. He hadn’t needed to tell her what he’d wanted. It’s almost funny how in this case, that was a good thing.
It is loud and delighted and so different to the quiet that Janey had approached him with back at her recital.
He has a lot of regrets and letting her down was definitely up there as one of his greatest.
By the time Peter had re-joined the Watson-Smith’s, the food had arrived; MJ’s kitchen smelling like fresh dough and cheese. Janey was at her feet while MJ began to sort the pizza boxes, using the distraction to her advantage as she tried to sneak a soda.
He debated heavily for a moment whether he should rat her out or let her be. Thankfully, Jackson saved him from his indecision, coming up to his shoulder and whispering; “Wink at her to let her know you caught her then let it slide. She’ll only drink a couple sips. It’s the gross healthy ones ‘Chelle buys.”
It was the second time that Jackson had saved him that day. Peter had to wonder if he needed to buy him a card to say thanks, especially when he followed his instruction, catching Janey’s eye with the can half lifted to her mouth and winking. The giggle and twinkle in her eye as she shushed him conspiratorially before attempting to take a sip, only then realising the can still needed to be opened.
Peter held his hand out to her, taking the can and opening it for her. He spared a glance to MJ who was portioning out a few slices of pizza onto Janey’s special plate - bright pink with characters that were no longer distinguishable, the image faded from use and scratches of plastic cutlery across it. It was clear from how hard she was fighting off a smile that she’d heard the can opener and he figured it was a good enough sign that he wasn’t being shouted for it.
“Thank you.” Janey whispered, running from the kitchen with her reward. His earlier indiscretion is apparently entirely forgotten due to the simple act. The walk journey back from her recital, Peter hadn’t been allowed to sit next to her on the subway, but now, she was patting the space on the couch next to her for him to join.
While MJ might be smiling, he suspects that earning her forgiveness won’t be so easy.
“Pete.” MJ calls to him before he can follow after Janey, holding out the box containing his food. “It’s Antonio’s. Sorry.”
“Whose choice was that?”
“Jackson’s. It’s favourite place in the city and he’s poisoned Janey into believing it.”
Peter nods, wondering if maybe the subpar pizza was part of his punishment but decides not to ask. He can’t leave the choice without critique though, hoping that a joke might make things feel a little more normal between them.
“So you’ve always had bad taste in men?” It comes out weaker than he’d hoped but her lips do twitch up a little.
“Hey! It’s perfectly good pizza! The staff there are really nice too, real polite.” Jackson huffs, coming to grab his box as well as beer from the fridge.
“If they have terrible customer service it means all their love is going into the dough.” Peter answers. “It’s a fact. I worked delivery for a few years. Hated the job but man, did I love the food.”
“I don’t think you’re meant to eat the food that you’re trying to deliver.” Jackson points out.
“Shit. Might be why they fired me.”
It wasn’t. He missed too many of his shifts and ran late on too many of his orders. Cost the restaurant a fortune.
The way MJ’s half smile loses some of its heat, he thinks maybe she’s worked out the same thing.
The pizza is dished, the four of them crowing into MJ’s lounge, Janey’s playlist in the background and it’s enough to trick Peter into thinking it’s a normal day. Aside from the fact that Janey is staring down at her two slices. Lines begin to form on her brow, fingers poking into the warm cheese and coming back greasy and sauce covered. She wipes it along the crust, following the shape as her frown deepens.
"I can't eat this." Janey decides eventually, looking up at each and every adult in the room. Peter can only blink. He’s heard her say this before, except it’s usually about vegetables. He’s never had to try and cajole her into eating junk food before. While he might agree that the choice in shop leaves something to be desired and he’s happy to know she’s coming around to the fact, it’s still pizza. Kids love pizza. Janey loves pizza. He’s accidentally forced MJ into having for dinner one too many times when he bumped into them with a half eaten slice he’d picked up for dinner in his hand, putting the very idea in Janey’s head.
"Why not?" Her dad asks through a mouthful of his own.
"I wanted triangle pizza."
"This is a triangle."
"Noo.” She replies, dragging the word out. “Look, the edge is round. Triangles have flat sides."
"That's right." MJ nods.
"Why are you encouraging this?" Jackson huffs, exasperated.
"Because she is right!"
"I wanted triangle pizza.” She repeats. “This– This came as part of a circle! Look, it's all round. I can’t eat round food.”
Peter’s eaten here more than a few times. He’s lived through Janey’s picky phases. Tried his best to help her through them and has since learnt just how particular kids could be. He had some idea of it - food discourse had made its way into his classroom once or twice when they were doing experiments to find out energy content stored in food, but apparently toddlers took it to another level. The shape of food could really impact a meal. He thought she’d grown out of that though, and apparently so did her parents.
A stare off happens between MJ and Jackson as they silently fight over who is going to get up and fix the issue. Trying to earn his way back into her good graces, Peter stands up and holds his hand out for Janey’s plate.
“Your dad can do magic, right?” Janey nods. “So can I. I’m going to turn this rounded pizza into a full triangle pizza, yeah?”
“Is that really one of your superpowers?” She asks. It’s an innocent enough question that Jackson doesn’t even blink at it. Peter only nods.
He goes into the kitchen, cuts off the crusts of the pizza so that each slice is a perfect triangle, leaving the edges to the side for her to eat if she chooses.
Janey sees through the whole plot immediately. She points out that all he’s done is cut off the edges, but is forced to agree that her pizza is now a triangle and ‘tastes like a triangle’, so he takes it for the win that it probably is.
“Thank you.” MJ mouths to him.
He shrugs in reply. It’s the least he could do and he means that completely.
Peter leaves without any prompting thirty minutes before Janey’s usual bedtime. Mentally, MJ’s already pushed it back - there’s been a lot of excitement today and Jackson’s agreed to stay over so that they could get an early start on their day together tomorrow, the adjustment that brings will keep Janey up for at least another hour. She appreciates his departure though. It’s another reminder of just how well he knows them and their routines and how seamlessly he could fit into the rest of them.
She could see him helping with the breakfasts and picking Janey up from nursery. He gets along with Jackson that he’d be a good middleman for the weekends where MJ is busy with work but needs to hand Janey off to her dad. He’s unfazed by Janey’s weird eating habits. She misses having someone at her back during breakfasts and could so easily imagine him there with her, helping her to battle whatever craving Janey’s having that day or juggling the coffee pot while MJ does.
They would make quite the team.
They already are.
They take care of one another; he stops her apartment falling apart and convinces Janey that vegetables are cool. She stops him from starving and gives him company after a particularly bad week. There’s an obvious path that would allow that to continue. They’ve already started on it - her help to him has shifted slightly. She can patch him up so he’s not alone after the bad nights and he can be her grounding weight in the morning so that she doesn’t completely lose her mind in between one never-ending chorus and the next. They could keep going like that. It would be so easy. That’s part of what had been terrifying about the prospect to begin with. Regardless of how slow they took it, MJ would fall fast for Peter. It would be something real. Her feelings are something far too easy to give into when it comes to him.
Seeing him tonight fixing Janey’s food, laughing with her ex, understanding that Jackson was one of the most important people in her life and never trying to argue against that, and relaxing into her couch like he belonged there, MJ could see it all unfolding.
The thoughts come as a double edged sword. Her mind reminds her that as easily as he could fit into this little life that MJ had made for Janey, if she gives him any more of a place in it, there’s damage he could do. Not intentionally. MJ might not be certain of a lot of things right now, but deep in her very core she knows that Peter would never set out to hurt them. It would just be an unfortunate consequence.
It makes the descent her feelings could take much bumpier.
Deciding to give Jackson and Janey some time to themselves, she grabs a jacket and heads out for a walk. She promised Peter that they’d talk later and maybe she should go over there now, she wants some fresh air first. If she were to talk to him now, she might do something rash or give in too easily to forgiving or say something she doesn’t mean. She needs a moment to separate her feelings from the facts of the matter and escape from a space that she can see Peter fitting into so well. As much as she loves the sound of Janey’s chatter, she needs space from it so that she knows she’s not blinded by her own protectiveness and isn’t about to ruin something good for the pair of them.
MJ wanders aimlessly. She finds herself going towards a park Janey usually likes to visit after nursery. It looks different in the lowlight of the evening. The vibrancy of each play structure is missing. The shadows under the jungle gym are darker. The chips in the paint on the benches are harder to notice, but she knows they’re there. She’s contributed to them herself a few times, picked at the gaps, and worsened the rusting metal.
There’s a few kids sat on the swings, watching on as another of their friends scrambles up the slide. He attempts to show off, running in place before climbing fully to the top. They’re at oldest, freshman in high school, most likely middle schoolers thinking they’re cool by lingering around as it gets dark in the same way MJ and her friends had done when they were younger. It’s amusing to see that some things never change.
She walks past the park and continues on, her mind still stuck back there on its dark corners and lengthening shadows, wondering if Janey would find it scary or if she’d see it for what it is - the park she always goes to. It is the same thing - just in a different light. The memories are still there but the present in front of her might be daunting.
She can’t figure out the answer to that either.
She walks around for about an hour before she starts heading back to the apartment building. There's no urgency in her stride as she climbs stairs up to her floor. Outside her door, she can hear muffled music through the wood - Jackson still hasn’t put Janey to bed. She hesitates for a moment then knocks on Peter’s door.
It is later and they do need to talk.
He answers the door perplexed but lets her in regardless, welcoming her with a “I wasn’t expecting you over tonight.”
“It was meant to be Jackson’s weekend with her, letting him handle the put down.” She explains, following him through and taking her place on the armchair. His apartment is messier than the last time she’d seen it. There’s dishes piled up in the sink but on the drying rack is one of her casserole dishes that she’d lent him. She can’t decide if that means something or if she’s just hoping that it does.
Peter gets her a drink and sits opposite her on his couch. They’re mirroring the seats they'd taken both times she’d come here to talk to him about Spider-Man. The same realisation comes to him, his position stiffening and his head ducking.
“Have I said how sorry I am yet?” He asks as he looks back up at her again through her lashes.
“You have.” She answers. He’s meant each and every single one of them. “Can you tell me a little about why you missed it?”
He’s slower to offer an explanation than he is an apology. Peter is wary about bringing her further into the truth. It unsettles her more than it should. She trusts him so much by letting him be in Janey’s life, in any capacity, and it hurts a little to not have that reciprocated.
“It was a little more… personal this time. Curt Connors was a professor of mine back at college. He’s brilliant, really. He’s just gotten a little lost and-... I let him get away last time. Cops were on their way to him, they would have been unprepared. It would have been bad. I had to help.” Peter finally says still leaving so much out but it’s enough for the meantime.
“Why do you do it?” She asks. It’s a question she hadn’t thought about a while back. It had just made sense that Peter would; he puts others before himself constantly. Of course he would be Spider-Man on top of that. Now, she sees that there’s quite a few steps between helping out a neighbour endlessly and throwing his life on the line and she needs this extra insight.
“You know, I-... I got these powers when I was a kid and I could have saved someone important to me, but I didn’t. When you can do the things I can, and you choose not to do them and bad stuff happens then it’s happening because of you. I’ve been able to do crazy shit since I was fourteen and it’s my responsibility to at least try to do something good with that.”
MJ closes her eyes, nodding along. Every word he says lines up with the man she’s come to know. It makes perfect sense and it breaks her heart just a little bit more because of how it puts things into perspective. Everything that had felt so up in the air comes crashing down around two constants that won’t ever change:
MJ’s priority is and always will be Janey. Flash might have accused her of using her daughter as an excuse to run from relationships in the past, it’s partly true, but at the end of the day, she’s done it to protect her kid and she always would.
The other is that Peter is Spider-Man. As much as he cares for them - and he does. She wouldn’t be able to picture him more tightly woven into her life if he didn’t - his priority was always going to be the city.
If it weren’t for Janey, MJ might be willing to take the risk, she’d put all this second guessing down to her being scared considering how premature it’s happening. They’re not in a relationship. They’ve spent one night together, that’s all. It’s not just the possibility of her feelings that she’s afraid of - she’s not just scared about losing Peter or what that might mean. She’s worried about what it means to be with him entirely.
Janey is only four and she is used to being the centre of her parents’ world, coming second to the city isn’t something she could even wrap her head around just yet. She’d just know that Peter wasn’t around when he was meant to be. She’d be disappointed over and over again because the outcome of his actions isn’t overridden by his intention - as good as they are.
MJ has already prioritised her own feelings in the past by splitting from Jackson. Janey has to deal with shifting schedules and weekends split between homes. She hasn’t really known any different, but MJ still feels selfish for it at times. Welcoming Peter into a role beyond what Janey already knows him as doesn’t sit right with her at this moment.
Asking him to wait until a day when MJ might be ready for that doesn’t feel particularly good either. Despite what both Flash and Jackson had told her, she suspects it might be better to quit while they’re ahead.
She can hear him shift and when she opens her eyes, he leans forward, eyes imploring as he says “I really am sorry, MJ. I really thought I was going to make it on time. I-”
“I know.” She whispers brokenly before he can make another promise that he won’t be able to keep. Her words bring a tonal shift to the conversation. Peter’s lips parting as he realises just what direction this conversation is going to take.
“It’s not enough, is it?” He asks, his voice going just as quiet as hers. His words are still loud enough to shatter the smallest shred of hope that’s hanging between them.
Her throat goes dry. She feels ridiculous as tears prickle at the corner of her eyes. It’d only been a single night together, why was she crying?
MJ swallows, trying to find a way to speak before resigning and shaking her head.
A breath leaves Peter as he deflates, slumping over his knees slightly and his head drooping. He takes a second before he inhales and rises again, meeting MJ’s eyes with his own. He isn’t crying, looking a little like he’d half expected this.
“I’m not paying you back for the pizza. I think it’s a little rude to dump a guy and then ask him to pay for his pizza.”
It breaks the tension enough for MJ to laugh, watching him fondly.
“D-do you want… complete space or…?” He asks.
“No.” She answers, shaking her head. She’d told him before that she wouldn’t walk away from a friend. That remains true. She just can’t turn this into anything more in good conscience - there’s a difference in the level of expectations between being a neighbour and being a boyfriend. “I think we should just go back to how things were - friends. I think I got a little ahead of myself and that’s going to end up being unfair on you and on Janey and I-...”
“Have to think of her?” He finishes for her, smiling gently in understanding. She nods. “I get it. I-...” He laughs to himself humorlessly. “I might have gotten a little ahead of myself too but I can do friends. I really don’t want to lose you.”
A beat.
“Or Janey.” He adds on probably hoping that it’ll lessen the weight of his words but it just further tugs on her heartstrings. He is a good guy.
“She’s kind of awesome, isn’t she?” MJ replies, taking the burden from him of easing their conversation.
“Obviously. She’s got a great mom.” He wets his lips while MJ’s heart sinks further in her stomach. “That’s not a line. You’re a really good mom, MJ… I know there’s…” He pauses, choosing his words carefully. “Sacrifices that come with being a parent and she’s really lucky to have you.”
It’s all MJ can take before she thinks that she might throw her decision aside and kiss him regardless. He’s too earnest for his own good and it might take her some time to pretend she’s unbothered by it - though depending on who she asked, a few people would likely tell her that she’d never done that good a job at hiding it.
She leaves before he can say anything else to shake her already unsteady resolve. He squeezes her arm before closing the door after her and it’s the smallest gesture to ease the anxiety she feels inside her.
Outside her front door, she takes a second to compose herself, wanting to avoid Jackson’s questions but mostly wanting to avoid Janey suspecting something was wrong. She’d raised a smart and kind kid, who was just as protective of her mom as MJ was of her. Only one of them was the parent though and this wasn’t something Janey needed to worry about.
Plastering on as best a smile as she could, MJ opens her door.
There’s no one in the lounge. There are tell-tale signs of playtime; toys scattered across the floor. If she knows her kid and how they’re lined up then it was a court case. She follows the sound of Janey’s voice, whiny and petulant - overtired from the long day she’s had and the late end but still fighting to stay awake for some reason.
MJ arrives at Janey’s bedroom door to see Jackson sitting on the edge of her bed, a pinched look on his face as he tries to get her to settle.
“Mommy! Finally! ” Janey shouts. “Daddy wasn’t doing bedtime right. He doesn’t do it here. It’s you that does it when we’re here.” Her voice wobbles as a yawn escapes and MJ starts walking over to the bed, tapping Jackson out from his duty. With every step she takes forward, the smile she’d forced herself to wear becomes more genuine and she feels a little lighter in her choice as she takes the book Janey wanted to read for bed and opens it up.
“You gotta do the voices.” Janey reminds her, nestling into her side, clingy in her tiredness.
“Anything for you, boss.” MJ snorts, glancing up at Jackson who nods to her before leaving the room completely.
“Alright, let’s begin.” She starts. “Once upon a time…”