Chapter Text
I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops
I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me
But in our darkest hours, I stumbled on a secret power
I'll find a way to be without you, babe
— Writer in the Dark - Lorde
*****
Simon’s POV
The line outside Bjärstad’s only club snaked around the block, seemingly going on forever. Wille’s arm was currently draped over his shoulder, leaning close to him, droning on about the things they would do in New York. His voice was a soft hum in Simon’s ear, drowning out the noise of the crowd around them. As they waited in line, Simon took the time to observe their surroundings. The club’s neon sign was flickering, and the music blasting from inside shook the pavement. The line was moving slowly, but Simon didn't mind. He was content just standing there, with Wille’s arm around him and his words in his ear. He was lost in a cocoon of warmth and at that point, he didn’t even mind if they never even got inside the club.
“We should adopt a cat in New York,” Wille quipped, his out-of-the-blue suggestion pulling Simon out of his reverie.
Simon giggled at the absurdity of it, “and who would care for it when we’re busy with classes?” he asked, choosing to humour Wille.
“I did my research; cats are extremely independent creatures. They can take care of themselves when left alone for short periods of time,” Wille stated, with a proud grin on his face. “Simon think about it, Mamma never let me have one because she sucks, and now that I’m finally moving away from home with you, we can get a furry little companion to share our lives with. It will be like our own little family.”
Simon chuckled at Wille’s enthusiasm, but inside he felt his feelings twist up in knots. What Wille had described felt too much like a romantic relationship. Their little family. Oh, how Simon wished with all his heart that it could be real. That he would share Wille’s home, his life, and his heart.
“And what about when we have breaks and have to come back home?” Simon asked to divert his train of thoughts that were leading to nowhere good.
“Well, I don’t plan on returning home too often; I’d rather not. New York is my ticket out of here and a chance to be away from the mess,” Wille grimaced. “So I’ll stay back to look after her.”
“Oh, so it’s a she now?”
“We can name her Peach!”
Simon smiled at the thought of having someone to care for. Simon figured they might have to put a lot of thought into it; they couldn’t just up and adopt a living creature without any proper planning, but Wille seemed excited about the idea and Simon could never find it in his heart to say no to him.
But his mind kept wandering back to the idea of Wille leaving home and never returning. He knew Wille had a difficult relationship with his parents, particularly his mother, and he wanted to be there to support him in any way he could. However, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness at the thought of being apart from him for long periods of time.
As they finally reached the entrance of the club, Simon pushed his thoughts aside and focused on the excitement of the night ahead. The bouncer checked their IDs and let them in, and they were immediately hit with a wave of heat and noise. The dance floor was packed with bodies, the air thick with sweat and the smell of alcohol. Wille grabbed Simon’s hand and pulled him towards the bar grabbing a beer for himself and handing Simon a soda.
As they sipped on their drinks and observed the crowd around them, Simon couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to change. He didn’t know what it was, but he felt it in his bones. Maybe it was the idea of leaving home and starting a new life in New York, or maybe it was something else entirely. But he knew that whatever it was, it was going to be big.
After finishing their drinks, Simon grabbed Wille’s hand again and led him towards the dance floor. The music was pounding in their ears as they moved through the crowd, swaying their bodies to the beat. Simon felt his heart rate quicken as he felt Wille’s body pressed up against his, the crowd pushing them together.
They reached the main dance floor and Simon looked at Wille as he swayed awkwardly to the beat, his movements stiff and uncoordinated. He couldn’t help but chuckle at his friend’s lack of rhythm.
“You need to loosen up, Wille,” Simon said, grinning, throwing his arms up in the air.
“I know, I know,” Wille replied, self-consciously scratching the back of his head. “I’m just not much of a dancer.”
Simon grinned mischievously. “How about a dance-off? You against me. I saw a DDR machine on our way here.”
“That’s not fair, you’re definitely going to win; you do every time,” Wille whined.
Simon shrugged. “It’s just for fun, Wille. Plus, who knows, you might surprise yourself and bring out some killer dance moves.”
Wille looked hesitant but eventually nodded, a small smile appearing on his face. “Okay, I'll give it a shot,” Wille replied, “But before that, I need some actual shots to help with the process.”
Simon laughed and nodded. “Okay, let’s get you some liquid courage.”
They made their way back to the bar, and Wille downed a couple of shots of tequila. Simon opted for another soda. He had never been much of a drinker because of everything he had seen happen to his dad, but he didn’t mind people around him drinking as long as they were doing so responsibly.
Simon led Wille to the DDR machine that was in another part of the club. Klubbröd might have been the only one in Bjärstad, but it was a huge one nonetheless, with two separate dance floors for different kinds of music. And then there was a whole other section for arcade games and just an area to chill and hang out if you needed a break from the dancing and loud music.
As they got to the machine, they both got into position and Simon selected ‘Axel F’ from the song list, which earned him a couple of giggles from Wille.
“Seriously Simon?”
Simon grinned, “Hey, why are you complaining now? I remember a time when you were obsessed with crazy frog and wouldn’t stop playing it every time I was over at your house.”
“I was seven!” Wille exclaimed.
“Well this one is for baby Wille then,” Simon laughed as the beats started.
Simon moved his feet quickly, following the arrows on the screen as he danced to the fast-moving beats. He glanced over at Wille who was struggling to keep up but eventually caught up with the moves.
Simon couldn’t help but smile as he watched Wille’s face light up with excitement at the bridge. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but Simon knew Wille loved that part even now. They continued to dance, both of them laughing and being transported back to a time when the both of them would head to the arcade every single day after school and spend their pocket money on all the games. It’s where their shared love for Mario Kart was born.
After a few rounds, they stepped away from the machine, panting and sweating. Wille turned to Simon with a grin.
“That was so much fun!” Wille exclaimed with a childlike glee, so similar to how he was back in the day, all crooked teeth and freckled cheeks. Simon thought he was beautiful when they were kids, and he thought he was beautiful now, glistening forehead slick with sweat and a smile that managed to spread warmth to every cell in Simon’s body
Simon nodded, ruffling Wille’s hair, making it flop messily across his forehead, “You did so well, Princess Peach.”
Wille beamed. “Tack, Simon. You were amazing, as always.”
Simon grinned, feeling a blush rise to his cheeks, his heart pounding loudly in his chest.
They both made their way back to the bar, grabbing another round of drinks before settling down in a quiet corner of the club. Wille settled back on the couch with a couple of beers. As they chatted and laughed, Simon felt that same feeling of change wash over him again. But this time, he knew exactly what it was. It was the realization that no matter where life took him, Wille would always be by his side, making every moment brighter. He wasn’t going to lose Wille, no matter what happened.
They fell into a comfortable silence soon after, watching the people around them dance and socialize. Simon couldn’t help but think about how different his life was going to be in just a few short weeks. New York was a world away from Bjärstad, and he was excited about all the possibilities that lay ahead.
But as he looked around, taking in the energy of the club and the people in it, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of nostalgia. This was his home; this was where he grew up. He was going to miss it.
“You know, Wille,” Simon said, breaking the silence. “I think I'm going to miss this place.”
Wille looked at him, eyebrow raised. “Really? Aren’t you excited to leave?”
Simon shook his head. “No, I mean, I am excited to leave, but...I don't know. This place is a part of me, you know? It’s where we grew up. I’m going to miss it.”
Wille nodded in understanding, and they sat in silence for a few more minutes, lost in their own thoughts.
As they finished up their drinks, Simon couldn’t help but feel sadness wash over him. He was leaving behind everything he knew, everything he loved.
“We’re always going to be friends, right? Wherever we are,” Simon whispered. Some part of him had to say it out loud, needed to know that amidst everything that was about to change, his anchor was going to be right there with him steadying him.
Wille turned to look at him, his brown eyes warm and kind, “Of course; we are forever, Simme. I’m never going to let you go,” Wille intertwined his fingers with Simon’s and let his head fall on his shoulder.
As Wille’s head rested on his shoulder, Simon felt a sense of comfort wash over him. Instead of feeling his heart race, he felt peace. He wrapped an arm around Wille’s shoulder, pulling him closer, feeling the weight of their intertwined hands. This was what he needed, this reassurance that no matter what, they would always be together.
“Hey, do you wanna dance? Like on the dance floor, what we came here for,” Simon asked into Wille’s hair.
Wille chuckled, lifting his head from Simon’s shoulder. “Sure, why not?” he said, downing the remnants of his beer, taking Simon’s hand and leading him towards the dance floor.
The two stood facing each other, grinning. The music pounded in their ears and the lights flashed around them. Simon began to move his body to the beat, his hips swaying back and forth. Wille followed suit, his movements mirroring his.
The two of them danced for what felt like hours. Simon couldn’t help but feel his heart racing as he watched Wille’s moves become more confident and daring. He tried hard to focus on his own dancing, but his eyes kept wandering to the smooth line of Wille’s body.
As the music shifted to a slower, more sensual beat, Wille’s body moved closer to Simon’s. Simon could feel the heat radiating off of him, and he couldn’t help but take in Wille’s beauty. He had never seen him look so stunning before. The dim lights of the club highlighted his sharp features and the way his hair fell perfectly over his forehead. Simon felt himself getting lost in Wille’s gaze, and for a moment, nothing else mattered.
Someone passed around a bottle of vodka that Wille immediately took a swig from, gulping it down. Simon should have stopped him, he knew how vodka tended to get Wille drunk faster, but it was almost like all air had left his lungs when he stared at the sharp lines of Wille’s neck and how they moved as he swallowed the liquid down.
The environment around them felt electric, the music pulsing through his veins and the lights flashing in time with the beat. He felt himself getting drunk off of the atmosphere alone, the adrenaline rushing through his synapses rendering him unable to think of anything other than the beautiful boy in front of him and how sinfully good he looked as the white flowy shirt he chose to wear for the night moved along with him, a hint of his chest muscles visible through the thin material.
But as Wille took another swig from the bottle, Simon’s mind suddenly snapped back to reality. He knew that Wille already had quite a bit to drink, and he didn’t want things to get out of hand. He reached out to take the bottle from Wille’s hand, but he was too late. Wille had already downed most of it, and Simon could see the effect it was having on him. His movements became more unsteady and his eyes started to glaze over.
The song changed to ‘About You’ by the 1975 and Simon could feel the atmosphere shift. The pulsing beat had slowed down, and the lights dimmed, casting a warm glow across the dance floor. Wille’s hand found Simon’s waist, and they moved closer together, their bodies pressed up against each other. Simon could feel Wille’s breath on his neck, and the heat from his body made Simon’s skin tingle.
As they swayed to the music, Wille’s gaze only remained on Simon and he wanted to look away because he knew once he did, he would give up all the resolve he had built up inside him.
There was something ‘bout you that now I can’t remember
Simon looked up from where his eyes were trained on the floor, into Wille’s eyes and was immediately lost in their depth. His pupils were blown wide, sparkling under the flashing lights looking at Simon with an adoration that confused him. Why was he looking at him like that?
It’s the same damn thing that made my heart surrender
Wille’s hand moved from Simon’s waist to his cheek, his thumb brushing over Simon’s bottom lip in the gentlest way possible. He shivered under the touch; it felt like blazing hot fire and freezing cold water at the same time. Simon’s heart raced as Wille leaned in closer, their foreheads touching. Simon let his eyelids flutter shut; it was something they did when one of them felt overwhelmed. Wille once said that it grounded him, being close like that, reminded him that everything was real. That Simon was real.
Simon opened his eyes and he was immediately lost in Wille’s gaze. It was almost like a spell had been cast over Simon and every emotion inside him threatened to tumble out if he tried to break the enchantment.
Just as Simon was about to pull away and put some distance between them, Wille closed the space between them and their lips met in a soft kiss and Simon felt…
Everything.
Everything stopped. Everything began again.
The world faded away leaving only the two of them in a darkened room where Wille’s fingers trailed over his cheeks and Simon’s hands gripped Wille’s shirt. Their lips moved softly against each other, and Simon was surprised by how intensely right it felt. It made so much sense and left Simon’s mind blissfully blank at the same time. Their bodies pressed closer together, and Simon could feel Wille’s heartbeat racing against his own.
But as the song ended and the lights came back up, Simon realized what he had done. He sharply pulled back and Wille stumbled from the force of it, almost falling like he was unable to stand upright by himself. Simon’s heart sank as he looked at Wille, who now looked confused and hurt. What had he done?
“Wille, Wille are you okay?” he frantically asked as Wille began to sway even more.
Wille scrunched his nose and shook his head, “I feel lightheaded,” he muttered in a low voice barely audible but Simon caught it and then caught Wille as he fell into his arms.
Simon knew he had made a mistake. He shouldn’t have let things go that far, shouldn't have let Wille drink so much. He felt tendrils of guilt wrap around him as he held Wille close, trying to steady him.
“We need to get you out of here,” Simon said, his voice filled with concern. He looked around, trying to remember where the exit was, before finding the glaring sign.
Wille groaned in response, his eyes barely open. Simon took hold of his arm and started to lead him towards the exit, trying his best to support him as they walked. The crowd had thinned out, but the music was still blaring and the lights were still flashing.
As they stepped out into the cool night air, Simon breathed a sigh of relief. The fresh air seemed to help Wille come to his senses a bit, and he looked up at Simon with a confused expression.
“What happened?” Wille slurred.
“You drank too much,” Simon said, trying to keep his voice calm. “We need to get you home.”
He looked around at the almost empty streets, there was no way he would be able to get Wille on a bus in his current state. Calling his mama was out of the question; he didn’t want to worry her, so the only person really left was…
He quickly pulled out his phone while supporting Wille with his other hand, scrolling through his contacts until he found the one he was looking for.
“Hey it’s Simon,” he said as soon as the call connected. Erik groaned on the other line, clearly having been asleep.
“What’s up, man?” Erik’s voice answered groggy and tired.
“I need your help,” Simon sheepishly admitted, “I’m with Wille. And he’s- he had a bit too much to drink.”
There was a pause on the other end before Erik answered, sounding more alert, “Where are you guys?”
“Klubbröd.”
“I’ll be there in 15. Stay put,” Erik instructed.
Simon hung up the phone and turned to Wille, who was leaning heavily against him.
“Erik’s on his way,” Simon said, trying to keep his voice steady. “He’s going to take us home.”
Wille nodded slowly, his eyes still unfocused. Simon led him to a nearby bench and sat down, keeping a firm grip on his arm. The minutes trickled by slowly, and Simon could feel his anxiety rising with every passing moment. He knew that he had made a mistake, and he didn’t want anything bad to happen to Wille.
Finally, Erik’s Volvo pulled up, and Simon helped Wille into the backseat. Erik took one look at Wille and shook his head with a small chuckle, “I’m assuming you guys had fun?”
Simon nodded and smiled half-heartedly. He knew Erik was simply trying to lighten the mood, but he couldn't shake off the guilt he felt for letting things get out of hand.
The car was filled with an uncomfortable silence, broken only by Wille’s occasional groans and mumbles. Simon felt like he was suffocating, unable to ignore the weight of his mistake. He couldn’t help but think of all the things that could have gone wrong, all the things that he could have done differently.
His fingers unconsciously touched his lips, which were still slightly tingling. He had dreamed of kissing Wille in a million different scenarios, all of them ending with Wille smiling back at him, saying he loved Simon back. He hoped that Wille wouldn’t hate him after this but… it was Wille who initiated the whole thing. Did that mean some part of Wille had feelings for him like that? He looked over to the boy beside him who was now asleep, slumped on his shoulder. His questions would have to wait until the morning, for now, he just needed to make sure Wille was going to be okay.
They stopped in front of Erik’s apartment building that he had recently moved into. It was better for Wille to sleep it off there rather than go back home. His parents would certainly not appreciate Simon letting their son get drunk to that degree. The both of them somehow carried Wille’s half-asleep body to the apartment.
Once inside, Simon helped Wille onto the bed in the guest room while Erik went to fetch some water and Alvedon. Simon watched Wille’s face scrunch up as he helped him settle into the covers, a familiar ache hitting him in the chest.
Erik returned with the water and painkillers, handing them to Simon who carefully helped Wille sit up and take them. Wille's eyes fluttered open for a moment, and he mumbled a thank you before drifting off again.
Simon and Erik sat in silence for a few moments before Erik spoke up, “You okay?”
Simon shook his head, feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes. “Will he be okay?”
Erik put a hand on Simon's shoulder, trying to comfort him. “Hey, of course, he will be. He just needs to sleep it off.”
Simon nodded, wiping the tears that had gathered at his waterline with his sleeve.
“Do you want me to drop you home?” Erik asked.
Simon took a look at Wille’s sleeping form, which seemingly made the decision for him, “Can I stay?” he asked in the smallest voice possible.
Erik nodded with a small smile, “Yeah of course,” he got up to leave, “just let me know if you need anything, okay?”
Simon shot him a small smile and nodded before Erik disappeared to his own room.
Simon sat down on the edge of the bed, watching over Wille as he slept. He couldn’t help but feel like he had messed everything up, but at the same time, he couldn't ignore the way his heart had fluttered when Wille had kissed him. He didn’t know what to make of it, but he couldn’t help but hope that there was something more there.
He sat there for a while, lost in his thoughts before he realized that he was starting to nod off. He shrugged off his trousers and neatly folded them before slipping under the covers, next to Wille, careful not to touch him. His mind swirled with a million thoughts but Wille’s warmth from beside him lulled him, sending him into a restless slumber.
*****
Simon watched him sleep on the bed. He looked peaceful like this, no traces of the man from earlier. Some part of him wished he could always be like this, quiet, not angry. He heard the door click open and immediately jumped off the bed running to the living room.
“Where is he, Simon?” Linda asked as soon as she entered the house, her eyes frantically flitting over Simon’s small frame, before leaning down to his level and checking for any injuries.
“He’s sleeping in your room,” Simon replied, his words trembling. His tiny hands were balled into fists trying to stop the onslaught of tears. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want his mamá to be sad.
“Are you okay, mi amor?”
Simon nodded, his brown eyes glistening with unshed tears that he tried so hard to not let fall.
“Did he hurt you?”
Simon shook his head. His pappa was scary but never hurt him. Sometimes when he came back home, he smelled strange and acted weird. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t be like the other dads, who dropped off their kids at school every day and told them they loved them.
“I’m so sorry for leaving you alone; it won’t happen again,” Linda said, her voice filled with regret.
“It’s okay mamá, I’m okay. I can take care of myself, I’m a big boy,” Simon said, trying to be brave for his mamá.
Linda smiled weakly, her heart aching for her son. “You are a brave boy, mi amor, but you shouldn’t have to take care of yourself. That’s my job as your mother.”
“Why can’t pappa take care of me like you do? He said I was a mistake; does he not love me?”
Linda’s heart broke at Simon’s words. She took a deep breath, trying to find the right words to explain the situation to her son. “Pappa loves you, mi amor, but he’s going through some tough times right now. Sometimes people say things they don’t mean when they’re upset.”
Simon looked at his mother, trying to understand. “But why did he say I was a mistake?”
Linda took Simon’s hand, squeezing it gently. “It’s not your fault, Simon. You were never a mistake; you were a blessing that came into our lives.”
Simon nodded, tears he had tried so hard to stop flowing earnestly. “But he’s always gone, and I miss him,” he admitted, his voice cracking.
Linda hugged her son tightly, holding him close. “I know, mi amor, and it’s hard. But I love you so much, and I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”
Simon sniffled, wiping his eyes. “I love you too, mamá.”
Linda kissed the top of Simon’s head. “Let’s go make some lunch together before Sara comes back from school, okay? Just you and me.”
Simon nodded, a small smile forming on his lips, as he followed her to the kitchen. Part of him knew that his pappa didn’t love him anymore. Not like he did before. But it was okay because he had his mamá. His mamá loved him when his pappa couldn’t. And that was enough.
It had to be.
*****
Simon jerked awake, his face damp with sweat. He thought things were better, that he was past having those dreams. It had been a long time since he had one. They were less dreams and more of memories, things he had already lived through, things that replayed in his mind to taunt him.
He tried to get up when he noticed there was something holding him back. A someone. Simon’s breath hitched as he realized where he was and who was beside him. Wille’s warm weight pressed on him, his arm thrown over his torso keeping him locked in place. Memories from the night before flooded back to him, making him tense up. He glanced down at Wille, who was still sound asleep, his breathing slow and even. Simon couldn’t help but notice how peaceful he looked, despite the mess they had found themselves in the night before.
Simon took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t know what to make of the situation. Wille had kissed him, and Simon had kissed him back, but what did that mean? Did Wille have feelings for him or was it just the alcohol talking? Simon couldn’t help but hope for the former, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up.
He slowly and carefully extricated himself from Wille’s grasp, careful not to wake him up. He stood up and stretched, feeling his muscles protest from sleeping in an uncomfortable position. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand, noting that it was already noon. He couldn’t believe he had slept in that late. He quickly got dressed, trying to make as little noise as possible.
He padded to the living room where Erik was at the counter sipping on a cup of coffee. He gave Simon a warm smile when he noticed him. It was the same one Wille had. The Eklund brothers were nothing but charming.
“How is he?” Erik asked, nodding his head towards the bedroom.
Simon shrugged. “He’s still sleeping.”
Erik chuckled. “Well, it was quite the night. I’m not surprised.”
Simon felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. He didn’t want to think about what had happened the night before. It was too confusing and too complicated.
“Do you want some?” Erik asked, pointing towards his mug.
“Yes, please,” Simon replied, suddenly realizing how badly his head was pounding. It was almost like he was the one who got drunk. He would definitely need some caffeine in his system to get through the day.
Simon took the mug from Erik, grateful for the warmth it provided. He took a sip, relishing the bitter taste. He looked up at Erik, who was leaning against the counter, looking at him curiously.
“Are you okay?” Erik asked.
Simon nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He didn’t want to let anything slip, especially not about what happened between him and Wille. He wasn't ready to talk about it, not yet.
Erik seemed to sense his discomfort and changed the subject. “So, what are your plans for today?”
Simon thought for a moment. He didn’t really have any plans. Wille and he had just planned to stay in and recover from their night, maybe watch some movies and play video games. But after what happened, Simon felt dread thinking about being near Wille the entire day. “I don't know. Wille and I had planned to grab some breakfast together.”
“Sounds like a good idea,” Erik said with a smile. “I have to go to work in a bit, but you can stay. Wille should be up in a while.”
Simon forced a smile, hoping Erik didn’t notice how uneasy he felt about the idea of being alone with Wille. He knew he couldn’t avoid him forever, but he needed some time to sort out his feelings.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Simon said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Erik must have sensed his reluctance because he clapped him on the back and said, “Don’t worry, Simon. Everything will be okay.”
Simon nodded, grateful for the support, but he wasn’t so sure everything would be okay. In fact, he was pretty sure everything was about to get a lot more complicated.
*****
Simon sat on the couch, sipping on his coffee, after Erik left for work. He couldn’t help but let his mind wander back to the events of last night. The kisses, the touches, the way Wille’s body had felt against his. He couldn’t deny that momentarily it was everything he dreamed of, but he also couldn’t shake the feeling of confusion and uncertainty.
He didn’t know what Wille was thinking, or if he had even been thinking straight, and he didn't want to assume anything. He didn’t want to make things awkward between them, especially since they were going to be living together in New York.
He glanced at the clock and realized it had been almost an hour since he had gotten up. Wille should be awake by now. He stood up, feeling a sudden surge of nervousness. He walked towards the guest room, not sure what he was going to say or do. He opened the door quietly, not wanting to startle Wille. To his surprise, Wille was already awake, sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.
“Hej,” Simon said softly, not wanting to startle him.
“Hej,” Wille groaned back, patting the space beside him. “I want you to hold me.” Simon gingerly sat down beside him, rubbing Wille’s back.
“How do you feel?” Simon asked, sliding his arm around Wille, holding him close, revelling in the warmth he provided.
“Better,” Wille drawled, a small smile playing on his lips.
Simon felt his heart race at the sight of Wille’s smile. He couldn't deny how much he loved being close to him, holding him like this.
“Do you remember what happened last night?” Simon asked, not sure whether he wanted answers. Maybe he wanted to remain in a bubble, one where last night could just be a dream in his head.
Wille groaned, pulling away from Simon and putting his head in his hands again, “I’m so sorry, Simon. What happened last night was a mistake. It should have never happened. I feel so embarrassed about it; I crossed a line. I’m so sorry,” Wille said in one breath.
Simon’s heart sank to the depths of his insecurities. This was exactly what he had been afraid of. He could handle quietly loving Wille from the sidelines; he could have his heart break every time he wished they were something more. But this. This was different. This was a raw, all-encompassing pain he wasn’t prepared for. The rejection hit him like a tidal wave threatening to swallow him down.
It was a mistake.
Before he had hope, he could at least fool himself into believing that there was a chance. But now that hope had been snatched from right beneath his feet, leaving him lost and empty.
“It’s okay,” Simon drawled out. It took every ounce of strength in his body to make his voice sound normal, “We can forget about it and move on.”
“God, it was awful. I feel sick even thinking about it,” Wille groaned again, burying his head in the covers.
Getting punched repeatedly would hurt less than what Simon was currently feeling. It was like all the air had been sucked out of his lungs and he could barely breathe, choking on his own emotions. This was a slow, relentless agony that seemed to tear him apart, from the inside out. It was like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, leaving behind a jagged hole that would never heal.
“Do you hate me now?” Simon softly whispered. He hadn’t meant to say it aloud at all, but he was afraid he was on the edge of losing another person that meant the world to him for good.
“What? No,” Wille spluttered. “Why would I hate you? You did nothing wrong, Simon. This was all me. I went too far and I should have checked in with you. What I did was terrible, awful even, and I promise I’ll never let it happen again. I don’t want to ruin our friendship; it’s too important to me.”
Simon nodded, not trusting himself to say anything at all. Of course, he knew that Wille would never see him as anything more than a friend, no matter how much he yearned for something deeper. Simon was stupid for letting his feelings wander, for letting himself hope . Wille didn’t even do anything wrong. It was normal for drunk people to kiss their friends sometimes; it didn’t have to mean anything. Simon felt guilty for selfishly wanting more. He should be grateful that Wille even wanted him in his life considering all the baggage he came with.
Wille noticed the change in Simon’s demeanour and pulled him into a tight hug. "I’m sorry if I hurt you, Simon. You mean the world to me, and I never want to lose you. Can we just forget about this and move on?”
Simon looked back at him with wide eyes, slowly nodding and letting himself be enveloped in Wille’s embrace. This was the best option, even though it hurt more than he could bear. He couldn’t just throw his feelings away, and he knew it would be difficult to live with the knowledge that he loved Wille more than life itself. But it was for that very reason he would suffer through all the pain in the world. He would rather have Wille in his life as a friend than not at all.
“It’s okay, Wille, we’re good,” Simon promised. It seemed empty to his ears, but it would have to be real for his sake. For Wille’s sake.
“Tack Simon. I love you,” Wille said into his hair and Simon’s breath hitched. He knew Wille meant it in a platonic way, but that didn’t mean it didn’t make Simon completely crumple when he heard those three words from his mouth.
“I love you too,” Simon said, and he meant it. Every letter of it.
Wille let go from the hug and then observed his surroundings, “I’m assuming Erik picked us up from the bar?” he mused.
Simon nodded, grateful for the change of subject, “Yeah, I called him. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“God I’m such a mess when I get drunk. I swear to god, I’m never drinking again. Pretty sure Erik is never going to let me live this down.”
Simon chuckled lightly, feeling a little more at ease, “Oh definitely, he is going to tease you about this for eternity.”
Wille groaned, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice. “I guess I deserve it. But seriously, thank you for taking care of me last night. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
Simon smiled weakly, still feeling the ache in his chest, but he knew he had to be there for Wille. “Of course, Wille. That’s what friends are for.”
Wille nodded, looking at Simon with a soft expression. “I’m really lucky to have you in my life, Simon. You’re the best.”
Simon’s heart swelled at the compliment, even though it stung a little. He wished Wille knew just how much he meant to him, how he would do anything for him, even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness.
But for now, Simon would push those feelings aside and be the best friend he could be. It was painful, but it was worth it to have Wille in his life.
“Do you want to go grab breakfast like we planned to yesterday?” Wille asked, breaking Simon out of his thoughts.
Simon nodded, shooting him a small smile, “I’d love to. I need to take a shower though, I feel gross.”
Wille laughed, “Yeah, we both definitely need a shower. Let’s get ready and then head out.”
Wille pulled out some of Erik’s old clothes that they could borrow for the time being and headed to the en suite in Erik’s room leaving Simon to freshen up in the guest room.
As Simon stood under the warm water of the shower, he couldn’t help but replay the events of the previous night in his mind. He felt a mix of emotions, ranging from hurt to guilt. It was difficult for him to reconcile his feelings for Wille and the reality that they could only ever be friends.
The both of them got ready and headed to their favourite bakery, a small cosy spot hidden behind the local Pressbyrån. Wille chatted away as he sipped on his coffee and devoured kanelbullar, his smile as bright as the sun while Simon remained quiet and just listened to him trying to calm down his tumultuous feelings to just remain present.
He could do this. He could love Wille like this. Here in the town, they grew up in and later when they move far away from their homes. He could survive anything as long as he just had Wille right by his side, even if it was just as a friend.
He took a deep breath, finally putting a lock on the hope that had plagued his mind before. He didn’t want to throw away the key just yet, but it felt nice to finally have an answer that allowed him to accept the reality of their relationship.
Maybe if he really tried he could eventually move on and fall in love with someone else.
Someone who was not Wille.
*****