Chapter Text
By the time Aubrey reaches the exit, the sun is already sinking below the horizon. Colors bleed into the sky above, like splatters and stains on a canvas. Her sneakers pound against the concrete leading up to the hospital as she makes a beeline to the parking lot, echoing in her ears until it’s the only thing she hears. That, and the noise of her rabid heart beating against her ribs.
She doesn't know where she’s going. She has nowhere to go. She just needs to get away. Away from everything—from everyone. Away from the screeching crow perched on top of the nearby lamppost. Away from the rumbling car engine entering into the parking lot. Away from the frantic footsteps trailing behind her, desperate to reach her.
There’s too many sounds—too many noises. Everything, all around her, is overwhelming. Like she could pass out right now on the pavement, or spill all her guts out and watch it splatter onto the gravel. She could rip out all her hair, tear out her eyes, or wrench off her ears. She could destroy something, anything, everything. She would do anything to make this feeling of suffocating anguish stop. Is this what dying feels like?
Aubrey half considers slamming her hands over her ears in an attempt to shut out the noise—just like she used to when she was younger and the yelling in the living room became too insufferable to bear. Before she could, however, a hand from behind seizes her shoulder, spinning her around to face the perpetrator.
He’s breathing heavily, like he had just run down ten flights of stairs to catch up to her. Tousled brown locks frame his face, disheveled and unkempt with strands poking out at impossible angles. His blurry, tear-ridden eyes speak of desperation, with glossy streaks of tears running down his face.
It’s like a slap in the face, seeing him like this. The boy who she considered to be the embodiment of endless energy now reduced to a sobbing, desolate shell. She hasn’t seen him in this state since four years ago… on that day.
“Aubrey!” He exclaims between pants. His grip on her shoulder tightens as if in desperation. His free hand reaches up, barely brushing against her arm as if he wants to lead her back inside the building, but hesitates. “Where are you going?! Please, just—!”
Aubrey shoves Kel away from her, trying to push past the immediate guilt she feels from the hurt expression he gives her right after. She takes a couple more steps back, but Kel doesn’t make any move to chase after her, as if frozen in place.
“Stop following me, Kel!” She yells, her throat already hoarse from her earlier outburst in the hospital room.
“Just—Don’t leave!” He takes a step forward as she turns away to leave. Her fists clench at her sides, fingernails digging deep into her palms, almost hard enough to draw blood. Why does he still bother with her? “We need to stay—!”
“HE KILLED MARI, KEL!”
She whirls around to face him again, taking in the sight of his shell-shocked expression, his mouth still agape.
Were they not in the same hospital room or something?! Did he not hear the shit Sunny had confessed?! Sunny is a murderer. He and Basil fucking lied to them.
“I have something to tell you.”
She wants to scream. She wants to yell and shout. She wants to cry and demand him to take it back, that it was all a stupid joke. Why couldn’t it have been a stupid joke?!
When Kel doesn’t respond, she continues, her blood now boiling beneath her skin, “Does that not mean anything to you, Kel?! We’ve been lied to for FOUR FUCKING YEARS! FOUR YEARS! So I’m so fucking sorry that I cannot stand to be here anymore!”
The brunet carefully approaches her as if he’s trying to tame a wild animal. It makes her sick to her stomach. “Aubrey…”
“HOW CAN YOU—?!” She cuts herself off with a loud sigh, sensing her throat turning sore from straining it. She pushes through anyways, too blinded by her anger, “H-How can you stand to be like that?! Is it not clicking for you?! Do you not understand what this means?!”
“OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS!” Kel explodes, causing Aubrey to flinch. His tone is harsh, but he only sobs harder as he fruitlessly wipes at his tears. “B-But… Do you think running away will solve a-anything?! If we just try—”
“Try?!” She interrupts, stomping over to Kel and jabbing a finger against his shoulder. “Do you think I haven’t tried?! Because, god, have I tried. I have tried so hard. You and I both know we tried. I tried finding you guys when Mari died. Where were any of you?! I tried moving on, learning to live without her—without you! I tried making new friends, making new memories. I tried to forget you, but you’re just a stupid cockroach that refuses to die! I can’t forget you! How could I ever forget you?!” She’s crying now too. She wants to rip her eyes out to stop the tears. She doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. “You tried,” she states, continuing on anyways. “You tried bringing us back together, piecing together this dysfunctional fucking group back! And look where that got us!! Look where we fucking are! Like we could ever accomplish shit even when we tried.”
For a long moment, Kel doesn’t say anything. Exhaling shakily, shoulders hunched and eyes cloudy. With the sun now faded, his eyes look dark, for they no longer shine that warm, ocher hue. It’s like he tries to say something by the way his mouth opens and shuts, willing himself to speak yet nothing comes out. And for once, Aubrey wishes he would stop being so quiet.
Kel lowers his head, sniffling and scrubbing his eyes. With a shake of his head, he whispers, “…That’s not fair.”
The tears rolling down her face feel as though they’re burning her skin, leaving permanent stains on her cheeks. Aubrey chokes out a huff, shaking her head as well, “The world doesn’t give a single shit about what’s fair.”
A beat passes. Kel says nothing more. Part of Aubrey desires to know what’s running through that brain of his. Does he curse her out in his mind, furious at her words? Does he despair at the truth, a mirrored image of how he sobs now? Does he think of nothing, mind blank as a futile attempt to numb the pain? She wonders, but whether she knows or not, it would be of no use to her.
She spins on her heel, walking away from the crying figure. The town is faraway from the hospital, but she’ll walk there if she must. There’s nothing left for her here. After all, when everything feels pointless, what else is there for her to do other than run away?
Before she gets far, however, Kel shouts, his voice choked around a sob:
“…S-So what? Are you just going to give up?!”
She immediately halts in her tracks. Still as a statue, she slightly cranes her neck, catching a small glimpse of Kel’s silhouette.
“What?” She spits out, venom on her tongue.
She can’t see him well from this angle, but she can hear him sharply suck in a breath, “Y-You’re just going to stomp away?! This isn’t fair so we should just stop trying?! Is that what you’re thinking? I…! I-I just want my best friends back,” he confesses with a quiver in his voice. “Whether you like it or not, that includes you too, Aubrey. I’m… I’m not going to let this separate us—not again. We’re still here, Aubrey. After all these years, we’re back. Shouldn’t that mean something?”
She marches right back to him, staring him down in his melancholy eyes. He speaks as if them meeting up again was fate. Some sort of mystical force tying them together. What… bullshit. And oh, how she wishes it were true.
“And I want my big sister back,” she snaps back in a low growl, grief tinting her words, “but we don’t all get what we want, now do we? ‘Cause guess what, Kel, one of your ‘best friends’ is a fucking murderer. You’re gonna forgive him that easily? You’re gonna forgive the shit they both did just like that?”
“N—!” He starts but never finishes. He looks conflicted, a crease forming between his brows. “I… I-I don’t know…”
“Pffft,” she briefly throws her head back in an exasperated sneer, “how do you ever expect this to work if you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing?!”
“SO WHAT IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING?!” Kel screams, throwing his hands up in the air. Aubrey gasps, eyes wide from the sudden shift in tone. “Yeah, Aubrey, you’re right!! I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t know what to think! I don’t know what to do! I don’t know how to react! I don’t know why they kept that from us for so long, I don’t know why this keeps happening to us, I don’t know why it’s so hard to just try! I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore!! Not with you, not with Hero, not with Basil, not with Sunny, not with myself…!” He stabs his thumb into his chest, a self-deprecating grin plastered on his face. “Because clearly, I’m just a clueless, stupid kid who’s so selfishly naïve! What else am I meant to be if not the guy who always looks on the bright side?! If I don’t try, who will?!! Who knows what will happen to you guys?! And I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I could’ve done something—that I could’ve tried. So yeah!! Is that what you wanted to hear?! I really don’t know jackshit.”
He walks away from her without waiting for a response, returning to the front steps leading up to the sliding doors of the hospital before taking a seat there with a tired sigh. With his elbows balanced on each of his knees, he buries his head in his palms. He trembles, muffled cries ringing in her ears. The sight before her just feels wrong.
Once upon a time, Aubrey believed the day Kel fell apart would be the day the world ends. But they’re still here. Just two, lonely teenagers who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Because if they had to be alone, they had to be together. And maybe that in itself is the end of the world.
Trying to keep her composure, Aubrey goes to him, her heartbeat in sync with her steps. Now looming over him, he looks up at her before speaking, his words wrecked in sobs, “God, what did we do wrong, Aubrey…? Wh-What did we do to deserve this…? Every time things start looking up, everything comes crashing down.” He crosses his arms, fingers digging into his arms. “Is this what being cursed feels like?”
She doesn’t answer. She can’t even look him in the eyes before glancing away, unable to handle the uncharacteristic despair in his stare. She can’t just leave him though. Everything within her body is screaming at her to stay, and who is she to deny that?
Aubrey plops down on the stairs beside him, pulling her knees up and hugging them. It makes her feel small. Usually she hates that feeling, but just this once, she feels warm.
She mindlessly fiddles with a loose thread on her sock. “…Maybe we’re both just clueless, stupid kids,” she utters, unsure if Kel even heard it.
It seems he does, though, judging by the way Kel scoffs, glancing away from her as he combs a hand through his hair. With a small sniffle, he nods, “…maybe.”
They just sit in the silence. Aubrey should probably say something, but no thoughts come to her mind. What is she meant to say after hearing something like that? After hearing how Kel really feels. How Kel is really just as clueless as her.
“I loved her, y’know?” He whispers so quietly, Aubrey just barely catches what he says. He’s looking away at the setting sun, his running tears glistening in the light. Those tears don’t belong on that face. Aubrey suppresses the urge to wipe them away. “You loved her, I loved her, we all loved her,” he adds on, “and Mari… Mari wouldn’t want us to break apart like this… don’t you think? We had so much fun these past three days. I missed that. I missed hanging out with you guys, running around town and lounging at our hangout spot…” He now turns to her, his hand brushing against hers. Those eyes… It’s hard to look at him like that, with those eyes, with those tears. “You know I missed you, right?” He chokes out with a sorrowful smile. “I miss fighting with you. Just… arguing over dumb shit like whether we should watch a Captain Spaceboy movie or a Sweetheart’s Adventures movie. Or who should get the last of Mari’s cookies. I just… missed you. A lot.”
‘I missed you too.’
Aubrey doesn’t say it back. She can’t admit it. Not now.
She sighs, burying her head between her knees, “…Sometimes it’s like I can’t understand you. You act and say things that are just… beyond me. I think even when I was younger, I could never understand you. But… that’s why I feel I know you so well. The fact that I could never understand you makes everything you do make so much sense. Even now, it’s like it’s… the past all over again.
“Th-That… that’s why when you disappeared from my life, I couldn’t understand it. It didn’t make sense. And at the time, all I wanted was something to make sense. I needed someone to blame. I needed someone to blame for those four years of Hell. So… I blamed you guys. I blamed you guys for leaving me. I blamed my mom for why Dad left. And… I blamed myself for why Mari died. S-So… I was mad. I was mad at everything and everyone and… myself. I was mad because how else was I supposed to feel? It was easy to just be mad at everything. It was easy to let out my frustrations on things—on people—whether or not they deserved it.” She tries to subtly wipe away her stupid tears with her sleeve. These stupid tears just never seem to stop.
“Aubrey—” Kel tries to cut in but Aubrey continues on anyway.
“For four years I wondered…” she breathes, “why did she leave us? What was she going through? Was there something we did wrong? Four years—four fucking years I had so many thoughts and questions and now… Now it’s just all gone. My head is blank. I want to be mad and maybe I am mad, but I… I don’t… I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to know. And even if you were mad or mean… that doesn’t make you a bad person. At least, I don’t think you’re a bad person. ‘Cause deep down, you’re still Aubrey. That Aubrey that loved pink and bows and annoying me to death.”
She rolls her eyes at him, scoffing and pointing an accusing finger, “You’re the one who annoys me to death.”
Kel chuckles gently, moving her finger away and taking her hand in his. It’s warm. “Guilty,” he admits, a grin playing at his lips.
Her eyes flit over to their conjoined hands. How long has it been since they’ve held hands like this? She’s almost forgotten this feeling of warmth, but then again, how could she ever forget? When it comes to Kel, it’s like she could never forget.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe deep down, they haven’t really changed. Kel is still that noisy, mess of a boy beneath those sobs and trembling eyes. And sometimes, that hurts more than him having changed completely.
“Kel! Aubrey!”
The sound of the hospital sliding doors opening attracts their attention. Out of the building emerges Hero stumbling towards them. He pauses before them, hands resting on his knees as he tries to catch his breath. He looks completely winded.
Hero pushes away strands of hair sticking to his forehead. “There… you guys are…” He says between pants, “I’ve been… looking everywhere for you...”
Aubrey quickly yanks her hand away from Kel once she spots Hero, turning away before she can witness Kel’s reaction.
“We’re sorry for… running off,” the younger brunet answers.
“It’s alright. I… I don’t blame you,” Hero says with a shake of his head as he moves closer to them. “Mind if I join?”
They both nod simultaneously, scooting over a bit to allow space for Hero to sit between them. He settles down on the concrete stair, elbows resting on his thighs. His gaze seems distant, like his attention is elsewhere. His eyes look dead, as if his soul has left his body. It most likely has, considering the truth they’ve heard in the hospital room.
“Hero,” Aubrey places a gentle hand on his shoulder, “are you…?”
Hero jolts from her touch, looking at her with wide eyes. “O-Oh… yeah. Yeah. I’m f-fine,” he explains, waving his hands. “The… uh, nurses took S-Sunny back to his room. Basil’s a-awake now and, u-um,” his voice tapers off, becoming more wobbly at the end before stopping. His mouth is still open, forming words that refuse to come out.
Kel puts his hand on his other shoulder, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb, “Hero. You’re not okay, are you?”
At the hospital room, she remembers Hero’s reaction—or lack thereof. Hero had just stood there, shell shocked. She doesn’t remember much other than that, seeing as Aubrey had exploded in rage right after…
“YOU FUCKING MURDERER!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” She had screamed at Sunny. Kel had to hold her back by her waist, otherwise she doesn’t know what she would have done.
“No… I-It can’t be true, right, S-Sunny…?” She remembers Kel had faintly whispered behind her, though more so to himself rather than Sunny.
She had bolted out of the room afterwards, Kel following behind her. She didn’t catch anything Hero might’ve said. She didn’t even see him cry.
Until now, that is.
Hero chokes pathetically on his sobs, his head hanging low and obscuring his face with his hair, “I-I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have let th-this… happen…”
“Hero…” Kel captures Hero into a hug as he breaks down before her very eyes.
Even now, even after knowing the truth, he still blames himself. But honestly, even after hearing Sunny’s explanation, Aubrey doesn’t know who to blame. She wants to blame Sunny and Basil, she wants nothing more than to lash out at them, directing all her anger and frustration at them. It’s what they deserve, isn’t it? They’re the reason Mari is… gone, and why the rest of them only find out the truth four years later. And maybe she is mad at them, like she should be. But all she feels is nothing. Empty.
Kel makes eye contact with her from over Hero’s shoulder, where he cries into Kel’s tank top. “Are we going to be okay?” He asks her in a shushed tone. His eyes look empty, full of tears. She’s sure hers are as well.
And maybe that’s okay. For now. Maybe they’re okay.
“…We’re still here, aren’t we?”
Kel doesn’t reply, focusing his attention back to his distressed brother, comforting him to the best of his abilities. Aubrey simply pats him reassuringly on the back, trying to be helpful in some way. There’s a crow screeching on top of a lamppost nearby. A car’s engine grumbles as it exits the parking lot. Heart-wrenching cries fill the air. Too many sounds—too many noises. She can’t just leave, though. She mustn’t. They’re still here. After four years, they’re still here.
She makes brief eye contact with those glistening, umber eyes again.
Maybe Kel’s right. Maybe it means something. Maybe Aubrey wants it to mean something.
But… whether it does or doesn’t, what’s the harm in staying a while longer?