Chapter Text
It's the sound of church bells that wakes him up.
The huge metal instruments chime, as if in the distance, but echoing through the walls nonetheless. The sound is soothing, but Kaeya hears it get louder, and louder, and reluctantly, he opens his eyes.
White fabric shuffles around him, but he only captures the blurry brightness that passes him by... Someone is wearing a light uniform with hints of blue - he focuses on that, no matter how distorted it looks.
"Kaeya? Kaeya... are you awake..?"
Even the sound distorts, and everything seems to spin with it. The bright walls of the ward, the darkness, the evening night sky outside, the cyan hue in Jean's coat, and the golden hair of her bangs.
"Kaeya? Archons..."
There is a hand touching the side of his face. It's a delicate touch, a warm one, and someone's palm cups his cheek. Kaeya leans into it, finding comfort in the contact, and settles into it. He relaxes against them, whoever they are.
It has been a while since someone... anyone, would touch him, without the intent to harm him.
It's... nice.
The sound of bells in the distance seems to fade, but so does the blurriness of his sight. Opening his eyes fully, blinking the haziness away with confidence this time, his pupils constrict against the figure standing in front of him, or rather, his cot.
He was laying down sideways, and Jean herself stood before him, her eyes worried.
"J- Jean..?"
"I'm here. Don't worry."
"Je..an..."
Kaeya's voice was wavering, weak, as he felt it fading away with each syllable. It was hard to talk, and keep awake, or move, anything other than his eyes. His neck felt heavy with lead, and everything else was numb, too numb - so much so, he started to worry, contoradictory to what Jean told him to do.
"Jean... wh..at... happ...ened..." Kaeya managed to utter, slowly, each word taking great pain to get out. His throat was burning. Why was it burning?
"Kaeya, listen to me," Jean started, her hand caressing his face. The bluenette realized now, it was her hand all along, her glove, moving so gently against his skin. "You were in critical condition by the time you got here. Barbara - she managed to clear some alcohol from your system, but not everything, and--"
Somehow, hearing the word 'alcohol' set Kaeya on edge. He felt himself sweat, like a cold wave rushing through his core, and without his permission he shivered against it, screwing his eyes shut. It hurt to think about it - it hurt him from the inside.
He let out a whimper, a cry so vulnerable he would have never dared to let it slip while awake.
"Shh, Kaeya... It's alright now. We will get you out of this mess--"
Kaeya tried to nod along, like Jean wanted him to - but it wasn't just the shivering anymore. He felt uneasy, like something was terribly wrong somewhere inside, deeply, a sense of foreboding.
Jean seemed to notice his worsening state as well, calling out his name, trying to keep him responsive. She grasped his shoulder, shook it gently, but the man only curled inward, tremors going all over.
"Kaeya? Kaeya! Kaeya-- Can you hear me?!"
It only seemed to be getting worse, the more she tried to get his attention. Jean seemed to run off somewhere, with her heels clicking rapidly against the floor and getting quieter with distance. She left him alone, probably to get help, but the bluenette was too deep in the throes of agony to notice. His body curled inward without his input, but it only sent him screaming, falling off the cot heavily.
His insides burned like never before, and when he tried to cough, or move, or put pressure on his abdomen, it only got worse. Nausea filled him, but he knew that vomiting wouldn't help - and so, shakily, he tried to keep it all in.
He failed.
Kaeya's life has been spiraling out of control for some time now. It had just taken him a while to realize what, exactly, has been causing it.
He didn't drink at first, he remembers that. Although he was abandoned in his childhood, he quickly found a family, within the warmest home in Mondstadt. There was the pressure of his duties, sure, but he didn't understand them very well - he let himself enjoy his life. He tried a few drinks with his brother, brewed wine with his new father, found happiness in his quiet life near the winery.
That was his first mistake.
With the death of his adoptive father, everything came crashing down. His old origins and responsibility flaring back to life, a shattered ideal of Crepus being an honest man, an ugly feeling of freedom of choice, something so despicable he felt the need to punish himself the very same day, by using his own brother's hands no less. Could they even be called brothers, after harming each other so much that day?
Trauma wasn't something he was brave enough to handle, after that - he chose to escape instead.
Alcohol was that escape.
He didn't want to notice, how wine bottles began to fill his shelves, and multiple emergency stashes filled his home. He didn't want to notice, how his budget became less and less logical, with most of his Mora going towards his drinks, or tavern visits.
He pretended not to see the pitying looks, when after a good interrogation, he continued to drink excessively, ending up with intel, but also with large memory gaps. When his favorite wine was in season, the renowned "Death in the Afternoon", there was no chance he went on patrol without a hangover.
Drinking himself to sleep. Socializing only while drunk, closed off when he wasn't.
Learning to fight with a blind side, but also with a massive coordination issue, luckily stumbling through the fight more often than not.
Getting hurt or injured, only to have Jean or Barbara heal him, and no scars to show for it after a day or two.
It got worse with time - something Kaeya failed to notice, as well.
Wine and spirits were now the only thing on his shelves. Bottles lined his cupboards, and wine glasses were the only dinnerware he owned. Water in the sink was the sole sustenance which wasn't toxic in his house. Food, as well, was nowhere to be found, since it only hindered his desire to get drunk. He barely had any ingredients for it in his house.
If he cooked anything, he made sure to cook it using wine, adding the fruity taste to it, so every second of his meal ended with a slight alcoholic buzz.
His Mora went straight through his fingers, living paycheck to paycheck, making sure he had money for alcohol instead of saving for anything, even an emergency.
Nowadays, he didn't even have the strength to go back home after a night of drinking and gathering intel - instead, he woke up in dingy alleys, remembering merely one detail or two about the group he was investigating. He also got robbed, twice, while unconscious. Thrown in a ditch, with wounds to his head.
His patrols became full of mishaps, injuries, and missed dodges. His hangovers were killing his head, and he wasn't thinking, getting more sloppy as time went on. He could get punched straight in the face, at this point, and not see it coming.
His decision-making was severely impaired, and he judged the severity of danger in the worst way possible: "Will it hurt if I get drunk enough?"
He didn't even bother going for healing after that - he could just freeze his wounds shut, heal himself, couldn't he?
All the time, he didn't realize just how low he has fallen. How much of a nuisance, a failure he was. Unable to control his addiction, or his life, spiraling down, down the drain.
...That is, until Jean saw him show up drunk on a meeting, and everything went to hell.
The next time Kaeya wakes up, it is no longer night, with the bells no longer chiming for the Knight's evening shift. Instead, it is silent, and oddly warm. There is no bright, white uniforms with hints of blue standing before him, either, outlined by the darkness of the sky, and instead, his field of vision is assaulted by the sun.
The orange hues imprint themselves of his eyelids, and belatedly, he realizes his eyepatch is gone.
It sends a surge of panic though him, waking him up instantly, until something catches his arms in a tight grip. Kaeya wrestles with the tight hold, startled, but it doesn't let up, and the assault of the bright sunshine straight in his irises doesn't help his chances. He collects whatever strength he has, and--
"Stop struggling! Damn you!"
--He recognizes that voice, and promptly, stops struggling.
"Archons, and here I thought you were peacefully sleeping... I will need to speak to Barbara about the definition of 'peaceful', if this is how you wake up."
"Di...luc?"
There is a grunt of affirmation, and the strong hands leave his wrists at once. Kaeya doesn't struggle anymore, and so, his limbs fall limp down onto the mattress. He does a double take when his eyes eventually spot the older man, who's form conveniently blocked out the sun.
His black, fluffy coat is a sight for sore eyes. He seems to stand right before Kaeya's cot, red gloves still outstretched, in case Kaeya decides to flail again. There is a golden glow around his entire figure, outlining the edge, and highlighting his red hair with orange.
When Diluc kneels to be on Kaeya's eye-level, their eyes meet, and Diluc's seem... worried. Soft, tired, and with eyebags as dark as his coat, but looking at Kaeya with a frown so different than his usual scowl...
"I don't recommend that you move. You gave everyone quite a scare, that night - and, to be honest, the healers struggled to get you stable... It didn't look good for you, until a few hours earlier today." Diluc said, as clearly as possible. He tried to speak slowly, to make sure Kaeya understood him, but the intensity of his gaze would have made Kaeya listen attentively, either way.
The bluenette nodded, signaling that he got the message.
Diluc, satisfied with his brother being awake and alert, hummed contently. He seemed glad that Kaeya was responsive, and relieved, by the looks of how everything about him softened. His posture became more relaxed, and his face lost some tension.
Meanwhile, awestruck, Kaeya couldn't do much else rather than stare at the redhead when the other took a chair and sat nearby his sickbed, reaching over for the cabinet nearby. He had a book in his hand now - was he about to read it? He looked like he belonged here - like he spent a while in this room, getting accustomed to it.
Sitting there with all that confidence, checking up on Kaeya every other page, a calm expression on his face.
Questioning his life choices, and if he was talking to a hallucination or not, Kaeya decided to take his chances. It was all just so surreal, he needed to know for sure - "Luc... Wh... what... happ...ened..? Diluc..?"
These red eyes focused on him, and all of a sudden, Kaeya felt seen. He wished so deeply for his eyepatch to be back in place, to hide him, but it was nowhere nearby.
Diluc sighed, however, seemingly more tired than before, "What happened... That's a great question. Really. I should be asking you that, but due to the amount of painkillers you're on, your memory gaps, and your condition... I will try to tell you what happened as I know it."
Kaeya nodded. He set himself higher on top of the pillows, and though reflex, Diluc's red gloves came to assist him. It didn't hurt, but letting go made Kaeya wince slightly.
"From... beginning..?"
"Ah, right-- that evening..." The redhead started, eyes closed in recollection. "Ever since your tavern ban, nobody has seen you outside your house. Paid-leave is nice for any knight, so, let's say I was curious if you were... khem... scheming, something. Maybe."
"I found you in your home, mess everywhere. There was some blood - and glass shards, wine bottles... You were in the bathroom, whimpering, clearly in pain... It's only later when I brought you here that we discovered you drank an alarming density of concentrated alcohol proof."
Kaeya remembers it now. He recalls the phantom pains in his throat, burning, and the terrible cramps in his abdomen.
His stomach was spasming terribly as it tried to expel the poisonous substance, the best it could, to no avail. It was too late by then - his vomit came out bloody with how raw everything inside him was, and the alcohol poisoning...
His very blood was toxic. His heartrate, he remembers, was going through the roof, heart beating rapidly, with his breaths shallow. His insides were going haywire, while his mind was confused.
"After I found you and took you to the cathedral, Jean issued an investigation. For all she knew, you might have been attacked, and I wasn't exactly... conscious, to tell her otherwise. She assumed the worst."
"Con..sciou...s? You were... hurt?" Kaeya asks, suddenly reaching out to Diluc in concern. The Pyro user shakes his head, but catches Kaeya's hand either way. Their hold was firm, with Diluc squeezing assuredly, and Kaeya staring at him with a confused frown.
"Guess the adrenaline worn off by then," Diluc recalled, shrugging. "Besides, the nurses found nothing wrong with me. Instead, they found plenty wrong with you." - His voice took a somber tone, but Kaeya didn't know why. He couldn't figure out why Diluc of all people looked so... sad, so... different than usual. Like he cared - or, worse, blamed himself..?
"I knew you were on the bad end of alcoholism. I should have known, recognized the signs... Kaeya, father, he... he was the same. He was an alcoholic before we found you, mourning after my mother... It took him years to get out of it, and it was vicious, and ugly, and terrible, how much his addiction controlled him in those years. Later, it got better. I don't know if you remember, but--"
"I remem'ber, I..."
Diluc sighed, nodding, with a resigned look on his face. The sun behind him hid itself briefly, a cloud passing by, leaving the room gently dim.
As the cloud outside passed, so did the silence.
"Either way, it was bad, when I found you. You were desperate, I guess, but none of us would have predicted it would get to this point. The investigation team found an empty medical bottle of anti-septic, abandoned in the sink - which sent Jean into a panic almost immediately. There were also other chemicals around the scene, but none were used recently, except a glass of Fontaine ethanol solution... It was hued bright blue, so I could identify it when someone else came up with a similar sample."
Diluc took a breath in, inhaling slowly. He was trying to gather his thoughts, or emotions, when he finally spoke, "With no signs of a fight, and only one broken window with Pyro residue on it, it was clear I found you doing this to yourself. The nurses kept you alive, but if I haven't been around, if I didn't..."
Kaeya knows whatever comes next isn't going to be pleasant. He recalled some things by now, bits and pieces, and Diluc's desperation when he found him. It hurt Kaeya, so much, when the other man roughly uncurled him, catching him as he fainted from all the pain and shock.
But, with how Diluc looks at him now, he's not sure he wants to know the rest.
"--You could have died, Kaeya!!! You-- You would have had more than just a liver failure, not to mention choking on your own vomit while we're at it! I didn't even know what was wrong with you, and when I ran here, you were crying - crying! - all the time. Wailing, Kaeya. Screaming, because of how much it hurt! I... I-- I barely kept it together..!"
"Luc... I'm sorr--"
"No! You... You don't get to just say 'I'm sorry' and expect me to just-- ugh..." Diluc huffed, out of breath, and placed his head in his hands, wilting further.
In a rare display of weakness, he lowered his voice to a whisper, "...Do you know how scared I was? I was so worried, Kae... I've seen people lose to this, to alcohol, and it makes me hate it even more. I had to comfort Jean, since she blames herself. She cried so much while you were unconscious... I hate seeing you like this-- You almost--!"
Their hands were still connected, and Kaeya tugged at Diluc's, squeezing his glove. He tried to remove the fabric, and when he did, he touched Diluc - skin to skin, palm to palm.
The colder hand grasped the warmer, and Diluc snapped out of his desperate, panicked state.
While the redhead took a while to just breathe, and calm himself down, Kaeya meanwhile took notice of his own body. He couldn't feel much, thanks to the painkillers, but his throat was positively shot. It wasn't burning, but Kaeya knew it would, after the violent vomiting session he had. He wasn't trembling, and that was good, but his skin seemed colder, if Diluc's warmth was any clue.
When he looked at their hands, intertwined, Kaeya could also see the sheer difference in their skin. While usually Kaeya's arm was coffee colored, close to caramel, now it was sickly pale, and a bit yellowed. He could see veins through his skin, and even that looked sickly, against the scarred, yet reddened fingers of Diluc.
His grasped firmly, while Kaeya couldn't even clench his hand.
Albeit calm, Kaeya counted his breaths, and they were a bit too slow. His heart, also, had some trouble keeping the correct pace. He felt it beat, but every other minute it seemed a bit off, faltering at the end. He didn't like the odd struggle, especially with something as essential as pumping blood through his veins.
He didn't know if the cathedral sisters operated on him, or if he lost more of the red substance than by just his raw throat, but it sure felt like it.
Diluc mentioned liver failure, so, if they did operate on him...
"Don't." Diluc said, when he noticed Kaeya ready to reach towards his abdomen, to try to feel for anything. His other hand grasped Kaeya's, and the grip was strong when he lectured, "Do not touch there. It's healing, you mustn't move more than you already did."
"Al...alright..."
Kaeya took his hand away, and Diluc let go. Now that the captain looked closer, and tried to do a self-check up, he did feel a strange fullness in his upper abdomen...
His belly was a bit swollen.
It was uncomfortable, and with his liver right above his stomach, it's probably where the weird fullness was coming from. Healers couldn't reach far, internally, but Barbara tried her best, surely...
He pressed toward it, just to test it - and immediately buckled, stars filling his vision with a stab of piercing pain. He whimpered pathetically, and tried to curl up, but a strong set of arms prevented the motion.
They shook with effort, and a snappy response soon followed their scuffle;
"Kaeya! What did I just say?!"
"I'm... sorry... ugh--"
Diluc shook his head, and seemingly called for Barbara, far away, who came into the room perfectly in time for Kaeya to lose consciousness.
The bell woke him up, once again. It wasn't the chorus from before, instead there was just one singular chime, one long ring.
Kaeya knew the sound very well, from the moment he first entered Mondstadt, to this current moment, as he woke up in this bed. The resounding church bells will always accompany his cursed existence, for however long he wakes up in the same medical ward.
His mattress was dipped, and two figures sat there, only...
There was something wrong with them. Kaeya didn't have double vision, he was pretty sure, but while the sunset or sunrise painted the sky in purple hues, Jean and Diluc were seated opposite on his bed, not standing behind it.
Diluc, on his right, sat at the bed with a book in his hand. One glove on, the other off.
Jean, seated on his left, rubbed soothing circles into his hand, while murmuring some prayer.
And yet, right behind them, stood their mirror images. Diluc was standing behind Jean, and Jean stood right behind Diluc.
" Your duties, Sir Kaeya... You weren't doing them right. Your efforts weren't enough. " - The standing Jean told him, and the female voice seemed so familiar. Soft, yet stern... like a summer breeze.
" You really disappointed our father, and me, as well. Damn traitor... You really are just a pathetic drunkard, aren't you? " - The Diluc standing behind the bed accused him, cruel, hissing at him in a voice smelling of ash and tasting like blood.
It hit Kaeya like a Mitachurl - the people standing there were his hallucinations. The voices he heard. They were there when he was going through withdrawal, or rather, a relapse into alcoholism.
And they spoke nothing, but the truth.
The people that sat on the bed, however, were not hallucinations. Jean still cared for him, despite him being useless as a knight at the moment. She was his boss, yes, but the concerned and guilty look she wore spoke a different story. She cared, about her friend.
Diluc, sitting calmly with a book in his hands, was the real deal. He was mature, and calmer, and wouldn't accuse him of being a traitor so aggressively, anymore. He was disappointed in his younger brother, sure, but his actions spoke louder than words - he still cared, despite their arguments.
Kaeya found his rough voice, and swallowed dryly before speaking - "Hey there..."
Jean looked up, snapping from her concentration in prayer. She smiled at him, lightly, with relief shining in her eyes. Diluc, meanwhile, put his book away silently and came closer to him, a grumpy look on his face - but reaching to grasp Kaeya's hand, with no glove between them.
"I'm sorry... for being such a failure, lately." The captain started, but before Jean could interrupt him, he continued. "I know i messed up. I mean, showing up drunk on a meeting? Gods, Jean, I lost my edge... I'm so sorry. Mond is my priority, and I regret abusing your trust in me. I will get better, take it more seriously... I need to fix this. I promise I will."
Jean nodded, speaking softly, "...I will make sure to help you. Properly, this time."
The bluenette nodded, grateful, then turned to Diluc. He tightened the grasp of his own hand in his, and Diluc squeezed back, without words. The redhead clearly wanted to say something, but couldn't, and Kaeya interrupted him, too.
"I stayed in Mondstadt after you left, but in reality... I was the one running away. I was running away from my problems. Unresolved, pressing, and... traumatic. I wasn't brave, I wasn't helping anyone, and I didn't do enough."
"Kaeya..?"
"Diluc, I'm... I'm weak. I admit it, I couldn't face my mistakes, face my life. Alcohol was another escape for me, and instead of trying to seek help elsewhere, I became consumed by it. I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry for being such a failure..."
Despite himself, Diluc shook his head at that, with a small smile.
"You are an idiot sometimes, you know that? My idiotic brother..."
"...And my idiotic captain."
Only when the three of them laughed together, and enveloped Kaeya in a warm, careful hug, did the ghostly voices in Kaeya's mind fade away. Leaving the three old friends together again.