Chapter Text
The party that Slytherins organized for James ended after other students started coming back to the common room, but it went wonderfully. Afterward, Regulus decided to walk James back to his dormitory, choosing a longer route to be able to spend more time with each other. They engaged in light-hearted conversation, with James doing most of the babbling, which Regulus found endearing. He was usually unable to just say what he thought at the moment, so he felt a little jealous. As they strolled through the corridors, Regulus couldn't help but admire him, looking at the older boy made Regulus felt a warm sensation growing inside him.
“Reggie, are you listening?” James asked him while poking his arm, pulling him out of his thoughts.
Regulus nodded and looked away. "Of course, I am. I was just lost in my thoughts for a moment. Nothing important."
“If you say so.” James smiled and was about to say more when they heard someone shouting after him.
Both of them recognized the voice immediately – it belonged to Sirius. They turned their attention in the direction of the voice, and before they could react, Sirius rushed over and enveloped James in a tight hug. Regulus took a step back, unsure of what to say or do in this situation and wanting to become invisible. He observed as James stood without moving for a good minute, but after it, he reciprocated the gesture. There was suspicion in his mind that he was frozen in shock for a second, like a deer in headlights.
“Prongs! There you are!” Sirius said, still holding onto James's arms when he took a step back.
The boy with glasses looked at him and managed a small smile. “You were looking for me? Sorry Pads, I was busy…”
“Don't lie to me. You were gone for so long and…” Sirius paused, probably searching for the right words. “I’m really sorry, James. Lily told us yesterday that we forgot about your birthday and I felt so stupid and bad about it, but I couldn't find you. Believe me, we were looking for you, but it was late and…”
“Oh. It's okay. I know you guys were probably busy all day.” James replied and laughed a little, but it didn't quite ring true. “There's no need for apologizing. I don't really care about my birthday that much, so everything is okay.”
Sirius locked eyes with him, his expression serious.“Don't give me that crap, Prongs. I know when my brother lies to my face! You always say how you love occasions like that.”
“It's not that big of a deal Pads. I love a lot of things. ” James quickly deflected.
“Don't lie to me. Let's go to our common room. Remus and Peter are waiting for me, and we were supposed to look for you again.” Padfoot said softly and hugged him again. “Really, we want to make it right, so don't make it difficult, idiot.”
Regulus watched the exchange, feeling a mix of emotions. Of course, he was happy that James and his friends are going to talk and probably work things out. Seeing them apart for another day would be weird for everyone in school. Unfortunately for him, the one that found them was his brother, and they weren't on talking therms. He wasn't even sure if he should be calling him that, his brother. The older boy acted like he didn't exist and as he heard just now, to Sirius, James was his brother and he didn't even acknowledge Regulus's presence for a second. Not even a quick glance. Also, he nearly forgot that Sirius was a traitor.
Regulus felt as if a hand was inside his chest, clamping its fingers over his heart, squishing it like a mere toy. However, he wanted the two boys to reconcile in peace, so he decided that he needed to leave right then and there without interrupting. He knew he was being irrational, but he couldn't help it. It hurt to witness the reminder of the brotherly bond he once had with his elder sibling. Without saying a word, he turned around and walked away, trying to keep his emotions in check the longest he can.
As Regulus made his way through the corridors, James and Sirius were left alone, looking at each other. Boys didn't realize at first that they were the only ones standing there in the corridor. Lost in their own thoughts, they seemed to hesitate, unsure of what to say to keep the conversation in a good spirit. Sirius was the first to snap out of it, and he quickly reached for James's hand, intertwining their fingers together. Without saying a word, he led James towards the common room, feeling a mix of relief and determination. They had some things to talk about, and he was ready to make things right with his best friend.
As they entered the room, they spotted Remus and Peter engaged in a clearly heated discussion on a nearby couch. Upon seeing their friends approaching, they quickly got up, stopping what they were doing and went straight to them.
"Hey, guys. I'm really sorry I haven't spoken to you today, I heard that you have been looking for me." James started nervously, adjusting his glasses.
Remus rolled his eyes slightly and hugged him quickly before letting go. “Why are you apologising to us? You have no idea how stupid we felt that we forgot about your birthday, we wanted to talk to you yesterday, but you disappeared. Even with a map it was too late to run around. That's our job to say sorry, James.”
“I told him that before, but no, he's really stubborn, as you know Moony.” Sirius interrupted. “He's acting like it's his fault, and I'm going to punch him for it.”
"Guys, you know, I understand if you guys were busy yesterday or something. It's okay, really, so we can forget about it." James quickly said, not wanting to start a heated discussion.
Remus sighted at that and began massaging his temples. “Don't make excuses for us, Prongs. We're so sorry about it, so please at least let us make it up to you.”
“Just like Remus said, we're really sorry. I don't know how could I forget about your birthday, we have known each other for so long.” Peter added. “This should not happen. We fully understand if you are upset with us, and we're going to keep apologizing.”
James looked at them for a moment without speaking because he was uncertain of what to say. Of course, he was upset, even angry with them, but he didn't want to hurt them by admitting it. Making others feel bad was one of his worst nightmares, he would only feel guilty by that. His friends' happiness was more important to him than dwelling on his own disappointment. He wanted to be only a source of happiness, nothing more. That's why he put his usual big smile on and took his place as the sun back as he spoke.
“I have already forgiven you a long time ago, you know me.” He said, chuckling a little. “Let's not waste our time on this, there are better things to do. But if it really matters to you, I have an idea of what we can do to celebrate! It will be great.”
Following this, he grabbed all three of them with all his strength and hugged them. By that he tried to show them that he truly meant what he said, that he had forgiven them. As they reciprocated the hug, James felt a wave of relief wash over him. He managed to avoid an unpleasant conversation altogether and pretended that everything was okay all at once, he was proud of himself.
“So, what's your idea for the celebration?” Remus asked, breaking the hug but still keeping his hand on James's shoulder.
“I'm glad you're asking. I have that great idea for a prank…” James began to describe what he wanted to do while gesticulating at the same time. His friends were convinced it would take them all night to prepare it, but they were ready to do it.
Regulus, in the meantime, walked through the castle, trying to shake off the mix of emotions he felt after seeing James and Sirius interacting together. He understood that they were friends, but still he needed to find a quiet place to cool off. That's why he was grateful that it was getting late, most parts of the castle were secluded. Thanks to that newfound peace he was being able to think clearly, he had a new realization in his head. If he wanted to be closer to James, he would inevitably have to spend more time around Sirius. That was something that was not on his to-do list, and in fact, on the contrary, he wanted to keep his distance. There were too many possible outcomes based on his decisions, and he absolutely didn't know what would be the best course of action because of it.
Lost in his thoughts, Regulus found himself near Astronomy Tower. The place that he often visited when he wanted to talk to stars, saying things out loud always helped him in understanding them better. That's why upon reaching the top, Regulus leaned against the railing, looking at the sky with a small smile plastered on his face. Tonight was a beautiful night, without a single cloud in the sky. The view was breathtaking, but that's not why he was here.
“I don't understand it. Why would it be so hard?” He said to the sky. “I need to start thinking with my head.”
Regulus knew he needed to sort his feelings, but it wasn't an easy task. He wanted to approach it logically, in a smart way. Unfortunately, every time he tried to do that when it came to James or his brother, there was a gaping void in his head. The heart wanted to take the reins, and he didn't like that. It was something new for him, and he was not fond of change or anything he had no control over.
“James went back to his friends, so he probably doesn't need me anymore.” He stated.
That seemed logical to him at the moment. If James had reconciled with his friends, he would no longer need Regulus time. So if that would be the case, then trying to get close would be an inconvenience for James and everyone involved. Yet, he couldn't deny the connection they have and the thing he felt during their kiss. He wished to feel again their hearts beat in sync, to feel him close and be vulnerable, but he didn't want to intrude into James' life. It was one of the hardest decisions he had ever faced.
As he gazed at the stars, he focused on the one he was named after. “I'm not even the brightest out there, how could I be worth something.”
All he wanted to know if he meant something to someone, but he was scared to ask that. Regulus wanted to push people away before they could hurt him or vice versa. Nonetheless, at the same time he longed for someone close, someone like the stars, always listening. He wanted that person to be James. The boy that was always looking at him with that stupid smile before every quidditch game, that smile that that made him weirdly warm inside. Who would be more suitable than him.
He scanned the sky again, looking for the brightest of his friends. Sirius, a star in which he found comfort in the familiar glow. At the moment he saw it, he smiled again.
“At least that version of you is quiet, right brother?” Regulus asked, but never got an answer. “Never questioning our father, never making our mother mad, and never leaving me.”
His eyes lingered on the star in silence for a moment. There was an unspoken yearning, one that will always stay hidden. I wish I could be more like you, Sirius. But I can't simply ignore my responsibilities and follow my heart. He hoped that the stars would carry his thoughts to his brother. Deep inside, he wanted to forgive him for leaving and acting like a brother for another. He sometimes imagined what would have happened if he had left with him at the time. In the end, he knew that it was not possible, and the weight of their strained relationship felt heavier than ever before.
As Regulus stood here, focused on his thoughts, a cold breeze made him shiver slightly. He took a deep breath, letting the night air fill his lungs, and took a last look at the stars that were twinkling knowingly above him. It was too late for him to stay here any longer, so he decided to make his way down the Astronomy Tower, but he did it with his mind made up. He knew that being true to himself was important, but so were the expectations he had to meet as a member of his family, but there could be a compromise. As he walked through the quiet corridors, he contemplated the idea of getting closer to James while keeping their relation a secret. The thought both excited and scared him. He dreaded what would mother do to him if she knew. Right now, he decided to observe from afar and keep their interactions discrete.
Of course, there was one problem with that plan. He would need to make sure that his friends would keep quiet if they noticed something earlier in the common room. Barty and Evan were known for their rumours, and they were pestering him with questions on why he would want to organize that party. He knew this was right now the primary thing he had to take care of.