Chapter Text
Cold...
Empty...
Painful...
Nothing but sorrow filled her vision, body, mind as Ryoba heard someone telling her that her beloved husband is dead, gone, not with them anymore.
It was horrible. It felt like her heart was being shredded to pieces. Like a part of her was ripped away. She felt herself slipping back to the past. Once more becoming the little girl who couldn’t feel a thing. The hollow, cold emptiness that only Jokichi’s love could fill.
His sweet gestures, gentle words and warm touches. She wanted them. She needed them.
She didn’t want the emptiness to return and she desperately tried to keep those stitches that Jokichi so carefully threaded inside her chest to not unravel. She did not want to return to the past, she didn’t want to lose all those emotions he taught her to feel, didn’t want to lose the future they could have and most importantly didn’t want the let the darkness from her past to return.
Seeing him lay peacefully in his casket was refreshing yet so, so painful. Not hearing his heartbeat, seeing his chest rising and falling, his eyes opening and shining, and looking at her. It just made the realization sink in more than she liked.
And as she watched the casket getting lowered to the ground, something just...broke...within her.
Everything worth pursuing felt useless. The future, past and present felt useless.
Life felt useless.
When she arrived home she just let the darkness consume her now empty shell of a mind. She could think of memories of Jokichi, which just made everything more unbearable. Or she would think about how sad, pathetic and miserable her world would be from now on.
Days felt like minutes and the world felt like it had stopped turning. She felt so alone and so very cold. She wanted to snap out of it, but she couldn’t because the freezing embrace of grief was too strong to fight. Like a vice that tied its slimy grip on each of her limbs and forced her to be stuck in one singular place.
Occasionally the smudges of darkness would clear and she would return to the present. Sometimes she would see her son, sometimes their neighbour, but mostly it was Ayato. Most of the time she would only partially register his presence. Obeying the small request he would ask her to complete.
The only time she would fully be aware was the night when Ayato would lead her to bed and leave her alone to sleep.
Every single night she would cry. For her loss, for losing herself and not being able to be a good mother to her son. He was also suffering, he lost his father and instead of having the time to grieve, he has to take care of his pitiful mother. She wishes she could just pull herself together, but every time she tried she would just fall apart even harder. How could she even call herself his mother when he was the one babying her around?
Everything continued going onward, the days passed by quickly and this rather depressive cycle of her getting nursed around by her son and crying herself asleep at night continued, over and over again.
Like that, three whole months passed like a light summer breeze.
The start of this day didn’t feel any different.
It was an early Saturday morning. On weekends Ayato always woke her up later. Even though it was unnecessary because both of them knew she would be up already by 6 AM. She has always been an early bird and this trait has sturdily carved itself in her routine.
She would listen to the different melodic chirps of the birds outside, watch as the sun rose higher in the sky and the sky would change from a gentle orange to a baby blue colour. Her ears would also pick up on the sounds of Ayato walking around the house. Of him making breakfast, the sizzling of a pan, the boil of a kettle, the dirty laundry being put inside the washing machine or the water running from the faucet as he washed the dishes. The whirring sound of the vacuum cleaner and the quiet tune from the radio in the kitchen.
In the past, that was how Ryoba’s weekends would look like.
After a few minutes, she heard Ayato’s footsteps as they headed up the stairs. The other always gently knocked before entering the room. The knock was more of a way to wake her up or let her know it was time to wake up rather than to ask permission to come in. After a few seconds, he would open the door.
The first oddity of the day struck when Ayato didn’t say his usual morning greeting to her.
Every morning he would walk into her room, say good morning to her and sort out an outfit for today. Take her dirty laundry and then they would head to the kitchen to eat breakfast.
The second oddity was when she realized just how alert she was. Of her surroundings, of her feelings. Maybe not quite alert to snap out of her trance, but for the first time in months it felt as if she was in the present, like her mind wasn’t obscured by a thick fog. Rather it was her body that was still stuck and unwilling to move.
Why? What would cause this change all of a sudden? Everything seemed like it has been for the past few months. Was Ayato simply not greeting her in the morning enough to almost snap her out of this state?
No, that’s absurd…There has to be another reason.
Well, there still wasn’t much she could do with herself. Ayato sorted out some clothes and took the single outfit laying in her laundry box. Then they headed to the kitchen. A steaming bowl of rice porridge stood beside her and next to the bowl was a small plate of vegetables.
They ate in silence. Which alerted her yet again. Why was he so quiet? Why was he not saying anything?
Whenever they ate Ayato would always talk. She never was present enough to hear about what, but she knew it was him who spoke. It was like a low buzz in the back of her mind.
They ate in silence.
Then he put away the dishes and lead her to the living room, like every day.
Everything seemed normal after that. But with being so aware of every little thing, time seemed to drag on longer. She wanted to move, wanted to talk, wanted to understand what was going on.
It was past lunchtime when Ayato entered the living room again. Which seemed wrong, she didn’t know why though. She felt as if something is wrong but she can’t understand or remember why. Why was she so on edge today?
And that’s the final oddity that struck her.
As Ayato handed her the cup of water she, what felt like the first time in months, felt the touch of his hands. They were incredibly warm, too warm. She knew that Ayato’s hands have always been naturally colder, it’s something he and his father shared. She would always have to make sure to stock up on warm socks and gloves for the winter for both of them each year.
And it felt like a barrier had snapped in her face. Her mind finally fully understood what was happening and allowed her to return to the present. Her hands twitched and she blinked the daze out of her eyes.
“Ayato...”
His eyes widened as he heard his mother's voice for the first time in many months. The glass cup he was holding in his hold slipped from his fingers and shattered on the floor. Thankfully, none of the shards managed to harm the two of them.
“Mother?”
Her son's voice sounded hoarse, nasally and raspy. Now she understood why he didn’t greet her in the morning. She could tell his throat is sore just from the tone of his voice. And now that she looked at him properly, he didn’t seem to be looking too well. His nose was red, eyes watery and slightly red. He has been sick for more than a few days.
“You’re sick...”
“I’m fine, it’s just a cold. I-I’ll clean that up-”
“No, you need to rest. I’ll clean it up myself.”
“But you-”
“I’m okay now, you shouldn’t worry about me.”
She lead him to his bedroom and made him lie inside the bed as she went to clean up the remains of the glass and take a thermometer.
Thankfully, his fever wasn’t too high. 38.0 °C, some ibuprofen should bring it down.
“Does anything hurt?”
“Mostly my head...”
“Alright, I’ll be right back.”
As she was about to leave he called out to her.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Could you call Osano? He was supposed to come visit, just tell him I’m sick and we can watch a movie some other day.”
“Of course dear.”
She quickly went to grab the medicine and after giving it to Ayato he went to sleep. Then she went to the kitchen and dialled Osano’s number.
She liked the boy, he was nice and well-mannered, slightly hot-tempered, but Ayato never seemed to mind it. She was sceptical of the boy at first, although she always is when Ayato or...Jokichi greeted her to new people. She couldn’t help it, she wouldn’t forgive herself if they got hurt by someone and she knew she could have easily prevented that.
Osano has visited a few times and the both of them had found interest they both shared, she liked to talk to the boy about cooking and gardening which brought him and her son's friend closer. She trusts him, he genuinely seemed to like Ayato’s company and didn’t seem to hold any ill intentions in his actions.
The other picked up the phone almost immediately.
“Hey, Ayato! Has something happened, why are you calling from your mother’s phone? Has something happened?”
His voice sounded cheery with only the last sentence holding a lace of worry inside it.
“Sorry to disappoint, but this isn’t Ayato. It’s his mother.”
“Oh! Ryoba-san, you’re better! I’m very glad! Is there a reason you’re calling me?”
“Thank you! Well, Ayato asked me to call and inform you to not visit him today. He has caught a cold and doesn't want to get you sick.”
“Ah, thank you for informing me. Tell him I hope he gets better soon! Goodbye!”
“Will do, dear. Goodbye!”
Now that that was out of the way, it was time to prepare some food.
Some honey ginger tea and 1zosui should do just fine. She remembers how her 2obaasan used to make this when she was sick. It always made her feel much better.
She first checked if she had all the necessary ingredients. And thankfully she did.
She started by making the soup and when she would finish she would boil the tea. Ayato always preferred his tea hot.
She warmed up the dashi, rinsed the leftover rice, cut some vegetables and a few mushrooms they had laying around and cooked that all up. When the dish was ready she drizzled an egg on top and added some carefully chopped green onions.
She looked at the time. It’s been about half an hour since she last checked on Ayato. She assumed the other was still sleeping, but she still decided to quietly walk upstairs and check.
She was correct, he was still in a deep slumber. She left the door slightly open. Just in case he called.
She went downstairs to prepare the tea. Then she would wake up Ayato and let him eat.
She grated the ginger, added it to a saucepan with some honey and lemon and stirred it at a moderate pace. While it was boiling she squeezed some lemon juice and once the mixture in the pot boiled she added the lemon juice to the mix. She lowered the heat and let it boil. She mixed some potato starch and cold water in a separate bowl and slowly drizzled it inside the tea and gave it a good mix before turning the stove off.
She smiled at herself. Ryoba poured both the soup and the tea into their respectful dishes and placed them on a tray. As he was about to head upstairs the doorbell rang. Who could it be?
She placed the tray down on the counter and went towards the door. When she opened the door Ryoba was greeted by Osano. The young man was dressed in some wide-leg trousers that were an umber colour and an oversized hoodie with a white base colour and different symbols depicted on it.
“Ah, Najimi-kun! What are you doing here?”
“Hello, Ryoba-san. Uh, I know you told me not to come. But, I’ve been so worried ever since you called me and I just couldn’t help myself. Can I come in?”
“Oh, well of course, dear! Make yourself at home!”
He walked in and took off his shoes, Ryoba gave him a pair of slippers and they headed to the kitchen.
“He is asleep right now, but I was about to head up wake him up and give him some food. But you could do that for me while I clean up over here, couldn’t you dear?”
“O-Of course ma’am!”
Ryoba smiled and handed the tray to the boy. Ah, he was always so unnecessarily shy around her!
Cleaning didn’t take long. She decided to check up on the two. She pecked through the door and saw them watching some movie. The blanket from the bed was draped over their laps and Osano’s hoodie was now on Ayato. He was leisurely sipping his tea and listening to the other’s comments about the film.
She quietly chuckled to herself. She had noticed a very long time ago that something was going on between the two. They always seemed to be something more than friends. At first, she didn’t want to jump to conclusions. But it was obvious by the way her son acted around the other and the same could go to the other boy. It just seemed like the two didn't know that themselves.
She left the two to be and decided to read a book perhaps. Instead, she ended up on the picture album she has carefully shielded and kept intact for years.
As she went through the pages, Ryoba reflected on the past months.
Yes, it still stung whenever she remembered Jokichi and it will be hard living without him. But if these past months taught her something it is that, she shouldn’t allow the past to hold her back, because she will always have people who care about her and will help her. Jokichi will always be in her heart and she has her son. Her and Jokichi’s son. He is as important as her husband was to her, their son is the only living reminder of Jokichi, that Jokichi was her husband and the father of her child.
She may have shed a few tears over the album, but that’s alright.
That just proves to her that the hardest part is over. From now on she’ll be by her son's side and will help him the way he helped her.
They just need each other.
That is all that matters...