Chapter Text
Tao hadn’t talked to anyone for months, people had tried to talk to him but after a while they gave up, and he just kind of drifted. Sure, he got lonely sometimes, but he was fine. Everyone was so focused on making sure Charlie didn’t relapse or worse. Tao wasn’t a priority- which was fine, he was fine.
After a while he started to talk to people again it was hard, but he didn’t want them to worry.
He thought maybe if he hung out with his friends a bit more maybe he could open up to them, now that Charlie was doing better so he agreed to go to a hangout at Charlie’s house, while his mum was visiting his grandparents.
He rang the bell his hand shaking slightly.
Charlie answered, he walked in.
it felt so unfamiliar, he’d been to Charlie’s house so many times and yet it felt so different
. His breath hitched no one noticed.
“hey, how’ve you been.” His voice sounded so distant and robotic.
“okay, I’m doing a lot better.” Charlie replied, he sounded embarrassed? It was a tone Tao couldn’t quite place.
It didn’t sound like Charlie.
“um, so anyway everyone’s in the front room.” Charlie gestured toward the living room awkwardly.
“um, yeah, I guess I’ll go then, you coming?”
“I’ll go get the drinks, I’ll be in a minute.” Tao felt so awkward walking towards the living room, he hadn’t seen anyone for a while.
He sat next to Elle.
“hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“yeah, um.”
“are you not going to explain why you’ve been avoiding us.”
Her tone was halfway between concerned and angry. '
“I..i haven’t been avoiding you.”
“then why haven’t you talked to any of us for months, why haven’t you talked to me for months.” The hurt echoed through her voice.
“i..i…” the words got caught in his throat.
“Tao please, just explain to me what is so important that it makes you avoid me for months.”
“It’s, it’s..”
“Tao please, just talk to me.”
The words were stuck in his throat.
He had to leave.
She was looking at him, tears half formed in her eyes.
He shouldn’t have come.
The corners of his eyes darkened, he felt to sick. Bile rose at the back of his throat.
He rushed out the door, knocking the drinks out of Charlies hand as he left.
Tears filled Tao’s eyes.
“i..i.i’m so sorry”
“Tao?”
“I have to go Charlie, um thanks for inviting me.” The rehearsed words slipped uncomfortably from his throat.
“Tao wait.” It was too late he’d already gone.
He was running. Usually he hated running, his coordination was super bad, but right now he didn’t care.
He needed to escape.
Everything was too much. The seams of his jumper scratched into his skin and the tags of his jeans scraped against him like sandpaper. Everything was too loud. The cars, people talking, footsteps. He needed to be alone. There were too many people. He tugged violently at his hair with his shaking hands. Tears streamed from his eyes. He didn’t care when it started raining, he just kept running. It was late but he didn’t care. When he reached a park, he decided to sit down his legs burning.
He sat on the swings, swaying slightly. He was exhausted.
He continued to tug at his hair, sobs wracked through his body.
He reached for his phone, it was half past ten. He didn’t even realise what he was doing until Elle picked up.
“Tao, where are you?” her voice was laced with concern. He could hear Charlie in the background.
“I’m, um, I don’t really know.” His voice was strained and slightly hoarse from crying.
“stay where you are, we’ll come and find you okay. Charlie does Tori drive?” the last part was whispered.
After 20 minutes of searching they finally found him, sitting alone at an old swing set.
He looked tired. His eyes were red rimmed and clouded with tears.
“I know you guys are worried but give him a minute, don’t crowd him.”
Tao was extremely grateful for Tori, as much as he loved his friends, right now he was extremely overwhelmed.
Tori sat next to him while the others calmed down a bit.
“hey, can you talk?.”
“a bit.” His voice was quiet and shaky, contrasting his usual demeanour.
“do you want paper or are you okay to talk?”
“Paper.”
She handed him a notebook from her bag, the cover was full of various old movie posters and film themed stickers. And a biro.
She noticed he was tugging at his hair, so she handed him a fidget toy from her pocket.
“Is touch okay?”
‘pressure no light touch’
She nodded understandingly.
“we’ve been worried about you.” Her voice was soft and comforting.
‘I’m sorry’
“You have nothing to be sorry for”.
‘I’m so tired’.
“I know, you can lean on me if you want.”
He did. His eyes shut.
“is he okay?”
“yeah, he just needs some rest.”
His eyes fluttered open.
“hey, let’s get you to the car.”
“Nick come help me, put your strong rugby arms to use.” She said half-jokingly.
Tao flinched as Nick’s skin brushed against his.
“don’t touch him lightly, he needs pressure.”
“Sorry.”
the next day Elle came over to apologise,
she knocked on his door anxiously and they both walked up stairs to his room.
"I'm so sorry about yesterday I shouldn't have pressured you to talk like that it's just you've been like really off for a while. i know that's not a justification for what i did and I'm not asking you to explain anything its just we've all been really concerned about you."
"I though you guys didn't care." his voice was quiet, too quiet.
"Tao, you know you can talk to me about anything right?"
"yeah, um I've um not been doing well, i get these thoughts and like it's all I can think about, and like I just feel really down like all the time and like I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I'm so tired Elle." tears were falling down his cheeks.
" I know, I wish I could make it stop but I cant, you need help, Tao." tears were welling in her eyes.
"I know, it's just so hard to like talk about it."
"lets just take it one step at a time okay."
"okay."
"let's start by telling your mum, I know it's hard so there's no rush okay."
She sat there for the rest of the day and held him, they cried together and watched Pans Labyrinth. It reminded him of their film nights, it was comforting.
A few days later everyone came to see Tao as he hadn’t been at school for a few days. He still looked really tired, so they decided to watch a film (pans labyrinth) together(again). They knew Tao still wasn’t himself, he still had bad days where they'd all come over and stay with him while he cried, or they' distract him with films or they' all play games together. Sometimes he still needed to be alone, which was okay- they made sure he didn't isolate himself.
He was getting better, although slowly. And this time he wasn’t alone.