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Tao hated change but things were better now, he was used to Nick and had even started to become friends with him. Turns out he’s not that bad for a “rugby lad”.
Elle was still leaving which was still very much not okay but they’re dating now, so things are good between them. It was hard when he first found out, but they talked it out and promised that they would still go on dates when they are not busy with schoolwork- and it’s only a train ride away if he ever misses her too much.
He’s not sure how long they’ll last long distance, but they’ve promised no matter how hard things gets they’ll stay friends. He hopes they’ll last, not having Elle around would be impossible. He tries not to think about it too much.
Everything was still changing but it was okay, he had Elle (even if it was only over text) and Charlie and even Nick now.
Tao hates conflict but he’d fought with Elle, and now she’s gone.
He was scared, he didn’t mean to lash out, he didn’t want to be left behind. It was so stupid, obviously she was going to make new friends when she went away, he didn’t expect her not to. It was all just happening so quickly. Charlie was always at Nick’s house; Tao didn’t blame him he knew how Charlie’s mum could be. Isaac was always at the library. Everyone was leaving him.
Tao hated change and everything was changing so fast.
He was stuck as Tao Xu, Tao who’s too protective, who talks too much, who doesn’t really know who he is, Tao Xu who’s being left behind .
No matter how hard he tried to change it never worked out; he was always trying to hard or not trying hard enough.
He was never good enough as just Tao.
Currently Tao was sitting on Charlie’s sofa, the worn fabric scraping against his legs like sandpaper. Why did he agree to this sleepover you may be thinking? Well, Charlie had asked him to come, and Charlie had been through so much, recently especially, so he said he’d be there plus the whole Paris gang would be there.
But god was Tao regretting agreeing now.
He sat next to Charlie. And of course, next to Charlie was Nick so he was squished into the scratchy blanket, which was a sensory hell, but he couldn’t move, where would he go? Next to Elle, no that would be way to awkward, he didn’t particularly want to sit next to Tara and Darcy – nothing against them he just didn’t have the social battery and Darcy could be so loud. He could sit by Sahar and Imogen but they were currently in their very awkward flirting stage, so he didn’t feel like dealing with that today. He could always sit by Isaac but he was currently very deep into a book so that would be no fun. They were about to order pizza, god he wished he could just get away now, but at the same time pizza sounded pretty good. Nick got up to go find a movie to put on, Tao really hoped it wouldn’t be a marvel one, that would be hell. Why did his friend have to have a boyfriend with the worst taste in movies- he took it very personally.
A lump was building in his throat, he tried not to think about it- he was just tired. Of course Nick picked avengers not only did Tao hate the plot he also found the whole experience of watching it very overwhelming.
Maybe if he’d just told Nick that he was autistic and found it very overwhelming the events that followed could have been prevented…
The pizza’s arrived fairly quickly so after sorting drinks out they all sat down to watch the movie. Everything was off, the texture of the cheese was grainy against Tao’s tongue and the sauce was too sweet, but he couldn’t not eat in front of Charlie, so he stuffed a few slices down his throat, gagging slightly as he did so. Nick was too busy concentrating on Charlie to notice and the others were too concentrated on the film he guessed.
Tao’s hands shook, his untouched lemonade still filled the plastic cup. Blinding lights flashed on the screen and the room rumbled with the sudden boom of sound.
It wasn’t Nick’s fault he didn’t know.
Seconds later Tao burst up from his seat and ran out of the room, leaving his cup empty and lemonade coating the floor. He ran and just kept running until he found an empty room. He looked around there was a Polaroid of Nick and Charlie on the wall. Shit he was in Charlie’s room. He didn’t have the energy to care. He shrank down to the carped back pressed firmly against the door. Tao started to rock back and forth body wracked with sobs. He knew he couldn’t be there, but he was stuck. God he needed his headphones, his pulse thumped through his ears, he slammed his head against the door to try and stop the sound but it didn’t work so he pressed his sweating palms against his head. His short hair brushed against his hands repeatedly. He couldn’t be there. He couldn’t be there.
“Tao?” he didn’t recognise the voice it was definitely not Charlie, was it Sahar, no it was Tori. He released his back from against the door and moved over slightly so she could get in. He wasn’t really sure why he did this; he didn’t really know her that well but her voice was soft and oddly comforting. He never had any siblings, so he guessed comfort from someone beside his mum was nice.
As soon as she entered, she knew, she closed the door quietly.
She’d known Tao for years but she’d never seen him like this- usually he went home if he was overwhelmed, he was a surprisingly private person for someone who expresses their emotions so outwardly.
Seeing him like this was honestly pretty scary, his hands were tugging violently at his hair, he’d obviously been crying but it had turned into more of a soft whimper, his entire body shook and he was rocking back and forth. Although the scariest thing for her was seeing him so quiet. She sat next to him.
“is touch okay?” Tori asked softly, she remembered her meltdowns, she definitely did not want to be touched then.
He nodded. So she leant her head on his shoulder and gently pulled his hands away from his hair and squeezed his hand, over the years she’d learned a lot about Tao even though they hadn’t interacted much, she mostly learnt from what Charlie had told her although other stuff she’d learnt through observation like the fact that Tao needed tight hugs- deep pressure to help him regulate.
“can you speak?” from her own experience she’d learnt what questions to ask if she ever found herself in this sort of situation.
He shook his head, still rocking although now the tears had stopped.
There was a sharp knock on the door.
“Tao are you in there?” it was Charlie of course it was he knew exactly what was happening.
Tori turned to Tao
“do you want him to come in?”
Tao shook his head, as much as he loved Charlie,he could be overwhelming especially when he was anxious and Tao could tell from his voice that he was extremely anxious.
“do you mind if I..” she turned to the door.
Tao shook his head- it would be better if he just let Tori tell him to ease his anxiety a bit.
Tori goes to the door
“I’ll be back in a minute” and go’s outside to Charlie
Tao couldn’t hear much, just the occasional mumble of how he’ll be okay and that Charlie didn’t do anything wrong, his hands were clamped against his ears everything was still very overwhelming.
After a few minutes Tori came back inside and the door shut softly behind her, although it was still too loud for Tao, he winced and re clamped his hands against his ears after a moment of rest.
“sorry” its okay he wanted to tell her but his words got stuck in his throat.
She reclaimed her spot next to him.
“what do you need?” she asked softly passing him a notebook and a pen from her pocket that had been given to her from Charlie outside.
‘I’m sorry’ he scribbled
“hey it’s okay, you have nothing to be sorry for” she reassured.
‘headphones’
“where are they?”
‘Bag’
“is that downstairs?”
he nodded.
“do you want me to get it or stay here with you and text Charlie to bring up your bag?”
‘Stay’
“do you need anything else?”
‘phone its on the sofa’ he paused ‘thank you’
After a while Tao had calmed down a bit and had fell asleep on her, she grabbed his phone and found his mums contact and asked her to come and pick him up, he looked exhausted. He stirred and not long after woke up.
“Your mums on her way”
15 minutes later she arrived.
“Tao, oh baby, it’s okay.” He sobbed into her chest, she held him tightly. “let’s get you home okay”
She turned to Tori and smiled warmly.
“Thank you for looking after my boy”.