Chapter Text
Everything was going wrong. Not only has Tao gotten up late but he’d also missed the bus, which was a great start to his day. After a mini meltdown he arrived late to his first lesson which increased his anxiety substantially. The first half of his morning dragged out, he was alone for all of his lessons which only made things worse when he was asked to do groupwork. The bane of his existence. Everyone got into groups and Tao, having not been adopted into a group did the work alone- which was pretty hard since the task was to discuss. By the time lunch arrived Tao was completely exhausted, he couldn’t find anyone so he sat alone on the bench they usually sat at. No one came.
Lunch went by fairly quickly he spent the majority of it watching pan’s labyrinth video essays. He wished someone was there so he could infodump about it. It was like his new favourite film, there was so much to analyse, every second was filled with so many small details. He could talk for like half an hour on the pale man alone. And he would’ve if someone was there. Maybe that’s why no one was there. The second half of his day passed fairly quickly, he was very excited to get home and watch more video essays- his favourite pass time. He wondered if he should commission Elle to do a bit of fanart for him- maybe he’d ask her later. He definitely could not do it himself. he tried drawing fanart once, it did not go well. Elle found him on the ground a pencil gripped tightly in his hand and what could only be described as a monstrosity on his paper. His last lesson was English. When he arrived everyone had their books out. Shit! he’d forgotten to read the chapters. Usually, he just asked Charlie what was going on in the book, but Charlie wasn’t there. His hands started to shake. It was fine, he’d just catch up later he told himself, but the overwhelming feeling of dread filled his body. The lesson went by so slowly, at least he could watch more video essays when he got home. When the bell finally rang signalling the end of the day, Tao almost collapsed out of exhaustion and relief.
After his 3rd hour long video essay Tao finally noticed Elle was ringing him. 5 missed calls.
“Tao, I’ve been ringing you for ages what have you been doing.”
“I was watching..”
“never mind, where are you?”
“at home, why?”
“Charlie’s in the hospital, he tried to..." her voice trailed off, uncertain of how Tao would react.
Tao knew exactly what she was saying.
“when?”
“last night.”
“shit, is he okay…”
“he’s not doing well Tao.”
“I thought he was getting better..”
“nick’s at the hospital now, you should go.”
“you weren’t at school today?”
“we’ve been here all day, Nick called me last night.”
“why didn’t you tell me?” hurt filled his voice. They all new apart from him. Charlie was his best friend, how could they not tell him sooner.
“Nick was really upset, I was going to call you, but he needed me.”
“so you chose not tell me my best friend was in the hospital.”
“it’s not like that Tao.”
“I can’t do this now, please don’t call me again.”
“Tao, please don’t do this.”
He ended the call. His vision darkened. He couldn’t breathe, he was gasping for air, but his lungs didn’t fill. He felt sick. His thoughts were to loud. The room too light, his clothes too itchy. He’s knees collapsed. He erupted into sobs. Rocking back and forth hands clasped tightly on his ears, he started humming the lullaby from pans labyrinth. His face was a mess, tear stricken and red. He tugged slightly at his hair, a few tears still sliding down his cheeks. ‘Why didn’t they tell him.’
It physically hurt. He wanted Charlie to be okay, but right now neither of them was.
Days, turned into weeks, into months and Charlie still wasn’t out of the hospital. Tao still hadn’t visited. He knew deep down he should, but he couldn’t bare to see his best friend in so much pain, so fragile and weak. He was a terrible person. Nick probably thought so as well, he’s the only one who’s visited Charlie, Elle had been so busy with her A- levels she couldn’t plus she was like 3 hours away. Tao had no excuse.
The guilt consumed Tao he hadn’t spoken to anyone for weeks. When anyone tried to reach out to him, he brushed them off, saying how he was busy with schoolwork or family stuff. The word ‘fine’ no longer held any meaning he’d used it so much. He wasn’t fine. His body felt like lead, making it almost impossible to get up most days. He spent most nights crying. He wasn’t really sure why, one minute he’d been fine, the next he’d have tears streaming down his face. It was fine though. Tao was completely fine, he wasn’t ill like Charlie, just a little down. Sure some days he felt like he was under water but that was normal right?
When Charlie was released, things went back to normal for a bit, but the feeling still stayed. Charlie never brought up how he never visited him, but it was Charlie, he wouldn’t. Nick didn’t mention it either, but he was so busy constantly checking up on Charlie, how could he.
Some days were harder than others but over time the guilt faded as the overwhelming feeling of emptiness took over. He tried so hard to stay happy for Charlie, trying to keep everything as normal as possible. But slowly Tao was starting to push away again. No one really noticed, being so preoccupied with making sure Charlie was okay. Tao couldn’t really blame them; it made it easier for him.
Cuts slowly started to litter Tao’s thighs and his cheeks constantly had faint tracks of tears. Tao was okay though, just a little tired. It was getting harder and harder to get out of bed, his body getting heavier and heavier. He was okay though.
For a few weeks he was okay, things were getting better, he’d been clean and so was Charlie. Charlie was slowly getting better, he still had bad days but he was okay(mostly)
Things got bad again when Charlie relapsed. He’d had a fight with Nick, Tao wasn’t really sure of the details he just Knew Charlie was not okay.
Tao started to feel numb, the heaviness overwhelming his body. He started wearing long sleeves, staying in bed for days- only getting up to go to school, showering less- even though he hated feeling dirty.
He didn’t really care anymore though, not really.
People started to notice, but Tao brushed them off, he was fine.
Eventually they stopped bringing it up.
He didn’t need help, he wasn’t sick like Charlie, just tired.