Chapter Text
☼
“I’m not going to sleep here.”
“There is nowhere else to sleep General, we didn't realize we were short on sleeping mats until after we started setting up.” one of the soldiers said, his head ducked down as his eyes fidgeted around the room in nervousness.
Mu Qing scowled and crossed his arms. “You didn't think to check the supplies earlier?”
“We apologize General.” the soldier cowered under Mu Qing’s sharp glare.
If this was a different situation, Mu Qing would find amusement in the way someone older feared him.
“Just get out.” Mu Qing sighed, he was not up for more distraction. A full day with Feng Xin already took all his strength.
Spending another moment with him would kill Mu Qing, he should start preparing who gets what after he dies. It's clear it would happen any moment now.
A day with Feng Xin was enough of a curse, now he had to share a bed with him too. It wasn't even a bed! It was some miniature version of one because they had to save supplies!
It looked like they saved too much because now they are short on supplies too.
Mu Qing had to share a bed with Feng Xin. That alone sounded so absurd! Mu Qing didn't want this, this would mean being closer to Feng Xin.
He had spent the entire day mulling over every detail and trying to ignore the aching feeling that ran through his body. Mu Qing didn't want to stay with Feng Xin because he knew what would happen if he had a chance.
Mu Qing wouldn’t be able to let go.
“I can sleep on the floor, your expression is just a bit too pissed for my liking.” Feng Xin said as he entered the dimly lit tent, his hand running through his hair while the other held a quilt blanket.
“No, you'll sleep on the bed.” Mu Qing muttered as he put his things to the side, he didn't have much. No one did, his supplies were just the bare minimum.
Feng Xin let out a small laugh as he threw his bag right beside Mu Qing’s, ignoring the way Mu Qing spluttered.
“Just by looking at you, I can tell I am risking a deal with the devil.” Feng Xin rolled his eyes in amusement as Mu Qing huffed.
“If anything, that is you! Don’t tell me what I am.” Mu Qing cursed as he bent to dig in his bag, looking for his sleeping robes.
He didn't want to wear his inner robes, they were too rough for his liking. He had packed some softer ones that would surely be much better for sleep.
Hopefully, it would distract him enough to ignore the obvious presence that was Feng Xin.
“It's clear you don't want to share the bed Mu Qing, we are going to be here for a fucking while. Just deal with it.” Feng Xin mumbled, already taking off his robes layer by layer, ignoring Mu Qing’s surprised squawk at the sight.
Mu Qing turned around hurriedly and tried to distract himself by further digging in his bags. Feng Xin was certainly shameless, did he not care that Mu Qing was right there?!
There was a bright flush running down his body and he felt hot all over. This was so wrong! Mu Qing fought down the blush, finally finding his sleeping robes and turning around hoping that Feng Xin was done.
It seemed that yes, Feng Xin was done. But now Mu Qing had a clear view of Feng Xin’s collarbone. Clean, sharp, and bare skin that Mu Qing so wished to touch.
Feng Xin made eye contact with Mu Qing, and that alone sent shivers down Mu Qing’s spine. He should've never agreed to sleep by Feng Xin.
“Turn around.” Mu Qing mumbled as set his clothes on a nearby table.
Feng Xin didn’t let his eyes off Mu Qing for even a moment, it was as if Feng Xin’s eyes turned into little specks of bright fire, flickering every second under the small wisps of wind.
“Don’t take so long, I'm right here you know.” Feng Xin said teasingly as he put his hands over his eyes, but he didn’t turn around.
Mu Qing picked up his robes and threw a small pebble he found on the floor at Feng Xin. He heard a small yelp followed by a few curses.
“Just hurry up so I can sleep!”
Mu Qing looked from the corner of his eye to make sure Feng Xin actually turned around, which he thankfully did. Mu Qing was all right with that alone.
The large tent was filled with the quiet rustle of clothing as Mu Qing dropped his robes to the side. The cold air of an incoming winter was coming to bite Mu Qing in the back.
He shivered as he hurriedly changed into his sleeping robes, letting out a relieved sigh as he touched soft silk. This was the only luxury Mu Qing allowed himself to have, something to stay with him deep in the night when no one else would.
“Are you done?” Feng Xin’s voice said from across the tent, jolting Mu Qing out of his thoughts.
“Yeah-” Mu Qing hurriedly wrapped the belt around his waist and moved to sit near the bed. “You can turn around.”
Feng Xin turned around, his mouth opened as he prepared himself to say something only to close shut with a click the next moment. There, Mu Qing was standing in thin silk robes that draped over his body like fine wine. The belt wrapped around his waist so perfectly and outlined his figure in ways Feng Xin only thought of in his dreams.
Feng Xin swallowed harshly, his throat bobbing as he cleared his throat. “Okay.”
The tent, of course, followed in silence. Mu Qing seemed confused as he looked down at his robes and didn’t find anything odd. Feng Xin’s reaction was out of the ordinary.
“Feng Xin…?”
Feng Xin didn’t respond, sitting down on the bed with a dazed expression as he looked back at Mu Qing every few seconds. His face was flushed and he looked as if he wanted to run out of the tent within the next moment.
“Just get in bed already, it's late and we need to wake up early tomorrow.” Feng Xin mumbled as he left his head hanging in front of him, his eyes choosing to ignore Mu Qing's presence in hopes he wouldn’t let himself go.
Mu Qing eyed him suspiciously, his expression clearly one of questioning as he pulled the ribbon in his hair and let it fall down his back. Running his hands through it and letting his fingers scratch his scalp. His hair held up in a high pony did leave Mu Qing with a few headaches, it felt nice to let it down after a long day.
As Mu Qing thought this, he didn’t notice the way Feng Xin was struggling to keep his expression straight.
“Feng Xin, can you get the comb on the table?” Mu Qing asked as he was met with several tangles caught, he gestured for the comb and waited for Feng Xin to actually move.
Feng Xin didn’t respond for a moment and stared at Mu Qing, then the next moment he jumped out of his stupor and whined. “Pick it up yourself, you are closer!”
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. “If you can spend all your time gawking at me then you can do work for me too.” he crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently against the soft carpet grounds.
With a groan, Feng Xin got up and stretched his arms. Heading to the table and picking up the jade brush that sat prettily on the small table. He weighed the comb in his hands before tossing it to Mu Qing.
“I don’t think I could have all that hair, it's too much to take care of.” Feng Xin said after a moment of staring at the thick, dark hair that belonged to Mu Qing.
Mu Qing hummed as he moved to sit down on the thin bed, his feet crossed as he turned around, his back facing Feng Xin. “It’s a lot, but I like it.” he sighed, it sounded so wistful as he let the comb rake through his hair.
Feng Xin watched Mu Qing run the comb through his hair, his expression one of interest the longer he stared.
“Can I-” Feng Xin started only to realize that he shouldn’t say anything. “Never mind.” he shifted so he sat as far away from Mu Qing as he could. He put his hands in his lap and turned his head away so he didn’t have to face Mu Qing in embarrassment.
“Feng Xin spit it out.” Mu Qing watched Feng Xin from the corner of his eyes, wondering what could it be that could make Feng Xin so stubborn.
By the looks of it, Feng Xin hesitated. Seemingly thinking about what to say before moving across the bed to sit behind Mu Qing, his face so close to Mu Qing’s own.
If Mu Qing were to pause and think for a moment, he would feel Feng Xin’s hot breath splayed over his neck. But Mu Qing didn’t notice because he was staring into Feng Xin’s eyes with a confused expression.
“Let me braid your hair.” Feng Xin said firmly, his tone earnest as he stared at Mu Qing dead in the eye.
And then again, the tent was silent.
Mu Qing could only take in a sharp breath, the hand that held the comb in his hair stopped midway, everything on Mu Qing’s being abiding by Feng Xin at the moment.
“No.” Mu Qing gasped. “How shameless are you to even ask such! Have you had no shame in coming into my space and ruining my mood? Ruining my day entirely just by being here!”
“Ruin your day? Wasn’t it you who was laughing at my words and staying with me?! Don’t blame me for trying to be civil!” Feng Xin laughed mockingly, his expression suddenly locked behind golden doors once more and hidden as he moved to his side of the bed. “You always do this,” he muttered under his breath.
There it was, there was the Feng Xin that Mu Qing knew so well.
The words felt like a punch to his gut, he always knew they weren’t meant to be. Mu Qing dropped the comb to the side, uncaring for what happened to it. All he thought of in those moments was how much it hurt.
Hurt, then rage.
“Do what? Do what Feng Xin?! You- you think you can just come here and tell me what to do?! You are a horrible person Feng Xin.” Mu Qing grabbed Feng Xin’s lapels and shook his figure, uncaring if anyone were to hear him yell.
Feng Xin glared at him, throwing Mu Qing’s hands off and pushing him to fall flat on the bed. “Don’t call me names when you started this! I was nice for once and you decided to fuck that up as usual! ” he panted, breathing harshly as he loomed over Mu Qing.
Mu Qing’s face was flushed from the anger, any other emotion present was barely acknowledged. “I fuck up everything up, right? Then why do you try to talk to me, Feng Xin? What the hell do you want from me?” Mu Qing was tempted to kick Feng Xin in the stomach right there.
He could just fuck off to sleep under the stupid tree again, who cared if his stupid back hurt because of some stupid dumb fuck man.
“ Maybe what I want is for you to be civil for once in your life!” Feng Xin turned his head to the side, watching Mu Qing intently.
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. “As if I’d listen to you! You hold no authority over me!”
Feng Xin hummed as he shuffled closer to Mu Qing, resting his head on his elbow as he stared down at Mu Qing. “Why don’t you just let me? I think it would be nice if you’d allowed me to do so.”
Mu Qing held his breath as he watched Feng Xin’s piercing eyes take the shape of a glowing richness, there was a small smile on his face, calm.
Calm as if Mu Qing’s heart wasn’t racing just by seeing Feng Xin so close.
“Why should I listen to you?” Mu Qing reworded his question, his sentence sounding as if he were out of breath.
Feng Xin’s grin only grew wider as he watched Mu Qing intently as if tracking his every move. Mu Qing had the urge to hide his face, already feeling the prickly touch of blush rising up to his ears.
“Just let go sometimes, Mu Qing.”
Mu Qing wanted to laugh at that statement alone, in times like this Feng Xin still thought like that. It was childish, it was stupid.
Yet at the same time, Mu Qing’s heart swelled under the words.
Maybe he could believe it. Maybe he couldn’t.
He didn’t know.
“Shut up.” Mu Qing decided to say instead, hoping this would be enough for Feng Xin to leave him alone. Mu Qing had many things to say, secrets to tell Feng Xin and Feng Xin alone.
But Mu Qing kept his mouth shut as he watched Feng Xin laugh, one that ran through his entire body. Rumbling in his chest and shaking his figure, there was a smile on Feng Xin’s face.
And Mu Qing thought them to be kids in Xianle instead of men at war.
“Go to sleep, Mu Qing.” Feng Xin said softly, he took a piece of Mu Qing’s hair and rubbed it through his fingers. Feng Xin looked as if he wanted everything Mu Qing could give him.
How could Mu Qing tell him that he had nothing to give? Mu Qing had given Feng Xin everything, he could only wonder if Feng Xin would realize.
Mu Qing didn’t respond, only looking up at Feng Xin and wondering if he moved his head just a bit higher, would Feng Xin reject him? Or would he follow Mu Qing?
It was only but a stupid act to think.
Mu Qing moved away first, he couldn’t trust himself to stay sane if he stayed that close to Feng Xin. He sat up and moved to pick up his ribbon, trying to braid his hair as fast as he could.
Attempting to forget about the slight tug on his hair Feng Xin touched only moments earlier. Mu Qing felt far too aware of everything around him.
He could hear Feng Xin getting up to blow out the candles sitting quietly in their places. Mu Qing only watched as Feng Xin shuffled through the room, tucking himself under the blankets as he stared.
Mu Qing curled in on himself as he lay down on the edge of the bed. The bed was not large, so fitting both Feng Xin and Mu Qing at once would be a hassle.
Moments later, Feng Xin got in after him. Quickly taking out his ribbon and throwing it to the side, he didn’t even tie his hair. He decided to keep it open as he lay in his corner.
“Good night, Mu Qing.” Feng Xin said into the dark room, Mu Qing could feel his limbs shift under the thin sheet.
It felt odd.
“Good night.” Mu Qing murmured as wrapped as much of the blanket around himself.
The room was quiet, it was peaceful. Lying down on opposite ends of the bed, no one spoke.
The only thing heard was their hushed breaths slowing down to a mellow hum as they confessed to the tiredness of their minds.
Even then, Mu Qing didn’t allow himself to let go.
☼
When Mu Qing opened his eyes, the tent was dark.
It was dark but it was not empty. Mu Qing thought that everything must have been a dream, but when he blearily opened his eyes, he was in Feng Xin’s arms.
Mu Qing thought of moving away, maybe even shaking Feng Xin awake and yelling at him for acting so shameless. But Mu Qing only stayed and inhaled the deep smell of timber, he buried his head deeper in Feng Xin’s chest.
The soft rise and fall of Feng Xin's chest under Mu Qing's cheek was a reassuring rhythm that grounded him in the present. The air inside the tent was filled with the quiet feeling of intimacy that Mu Qing wished he could stay under.
As Mu Qing observed Feng Xin's sleeping form, he thought to himself how odd it was to see Feng Xin like this.
Vulnerable.
Soft.
Mu Qing swept his finger over Feng Xin’s brows, smoothing over the furrow that was there. Mu Qing let himself indulge in this little bit of time he had. It was nice to have something for once.
A small sigh escaped Mu Qing's lips as he closed his eyes for a moment. He could feel the conflict within himself, torn between the logical voice warning him not to let his guard down and the softer whispers urging him to embrace the warmth surrounding him.
He was warm, he was safe.
But Mu Qing could not let his thoughts blind reality.
Yet even after he told himself that, Mu Qing still watched Feng Xin. He stared at his face, attempting to take in every feature. From his long lashes to his thick brows down to his plush lips. Mu Qing couldn't deny the strange mix of emotions bubbling within him. Here he was, caught in a moment of vulnerability with Feng Xin, Mu Qing felt as though the entire thing was wrong.
Their relationship had always been a tumultuous one, filled with constant battles and hiding fillings heavily shielded by pride.
Feng Xin always said Mu Qing was too prideful.
And as the first light of dawn started to seep through the edges of the tent, Mu Qing reluctantly pulled away from Feng Xin's embrace. He couldn't afford to be seen in such a compromising position, especially not by someone like Feng Xin.
But there was so much to look at, so much to admire. But Mu Qing couldn’t always have what he wanted.
Mu Qing didn’t want to leave, he couldn't find it in himself to even turn away from Feng Xin for even one moment. He wouldn’t miss this.
Mu Qing was always known to be a liar, it seemed he even lied to himself.
Mu Qing felt as though this moment would be it for him. But there was no reason to mull over thoughts that would never find its happy ending. So Mu Qing tried as hard as he could to stay away from Feng Xin.
Feng Xin didn’t move when Mu Qing cursed as he stubbed his toe against the table, rushing to put on his armor.
Feng Xin didn’t move as Mu Qing was ready, only to stay back for a few moments to watch Feng Xin, to take him in as if it was his last time.
Feng Xin didn’t move as Mu Qing’s eyes burned, Mu Qing watched Feng Xin with his eyes burning for a few moments, only to form crystal tears.
Feng Xin didn’t move as Mu Qing left, refusing to let himself look back.
Walking away hurt, just as everything did.
And maybe Feng Xin was awake. Maybe Feng Xin was actually faking sleep so he could just stay with Mu Qing forever. But it was wrong to make wishes during times when even he did not have faith.
Feng Xin didn’t realize Mu Qing was looking back at the tent, looking back at Feng Xin.
What they both didn’t realize was that it would be the last time they saw each other.
Moments later, shouts filled the camp.
Yong’an had invaded the Eastern borders.
☼
The battle was long and tiring.
No one was prepared, everyone only thinking of themselves in those moments. Mu Qing’s limbs hurt as he twisted his body, his eyes blurred as he tried to fight the exhaustion falling on him.
The battle raged on, the clash of swords and the roar of heat filled the air. Mu Qing's strength waned, and he stumbled, narrowly avoiding a fatal blow. The weight of the armor he wore seemed to double with each passing moment, and the relentless assault of the enemy threatened to overwhelm him.
He didn’t know what was going on, all he could think of was the fact that this was his fault. He had proposed the plan, he had told the others to come to the East, it would be safe.
Yet here he was along with several others, fighting for his life.
Mu Qing was stupid to wish for safety, wish for forgiveness, He trapped himself here, in this endless cycle of blood and loss.
It felt wrong, it felt right.
He didn’t know.
All he could do was beg. Beg to the heavens for freedom.
Praying to the cruel to save them just this once.
☼
Xianle did not surrender.
But they were never meant to stay standing either.
The Human Face Disease had killed thousands of people, Mu Qing felt as though the curse would never end.
The riots had gotten bigger and more and more people rebelled.
Xianle did not surrender, but they did not survive.
Mu Qing felt as though he was a small child again wailing for his mother as he sat on the mud-filled ground, he was sick and so tired.
He wanted to run home and beg his mother to take him in and hide him from the world in her warm embrace.
But Mu Qing could do nothing but pick up the injured and drag them on limp legs to safety. Others ran around him, either seeking to help him or running while they still could.
As the chaos unfolded in Xianle, Mu Qing's determination to save those he could clash with the overwhelming despair that filled the air. War had turned the once vibrant city into a battleground of sickness, rebellion, and desperation.
Mu Qing, despite his exhaustion and sickness, pressed on, driven by his need to survive.
The streets were filled with the cries of the wounded, the roar of the rioters, and the distant wails of those who had lost loved ones. Mu Qing, with beads of sweat on his forehead and determination in his eyes, carried on his shoulders the weight of the suffering around him.
As night fell, the flickering flames of burning buildings cast eerie shadows on the faces of the people struggling to survive.
Mu Qing found himself in a makeshift medical station, surrounded by a group of volunteers who had helped him in desperate times. They worked tirelessly, administering whatever aid they could to the sick and injured.
And maybe at the same time Mu Qing was searching. Searching for the person that had still haunted his dreams even after he had long left him.
Was he alive? Was he okay?
Why did Mu Qing miss him?
Maybe he wanted to run again, Mu Qing was not fit to face life as it was.
He couldn’t even protect himself from the devils in his mind as he roamed the blood-filled fields.
☼
Six months had passed since Xianle had fallen.
Most of its people were dead and Mu Qing could only keep his eyes out for one.
His mother was safe in a new location, Mu Qing visited her every other week just to make sure she was alive and well. But the longer Mu Qing watched her, the longer he worried for her.
Mu Qing found Feng Xin along with the royal family along the Northern Hills. Xie Lian did not speak as he watched everyone, it seemed odd to see him act as such.
When Feng Xin saw him approach, he threw his arms around Mu Qing and pulled him into a hug.
Mu Qing found it odd, just as he did with everything else.
They had told him to stay, but Mu Qing felt reluctant to do so. He wanted to care for his mother as well, balancing both the royal family and his own was troubling.
But every time he tried to deny their offer, his eyes darted to Xie Lian sitting down and staring at his hands with a blank expression while Feng Xin sat beside him and comforted him.
Mu Qing then said okay, he would stay.
☼
Mu Qing stayed with the royal family for one year.
Mu Qing was now twenty years old. He did not feel like four years had passed. Too long? Or too short?
Attempting to earn double the income was hard, even if Feng Xin and Xie Lian were working as well to support them, Mu Qing still had his mother.
Mu Qing’s mother did not care about the fact that he could not bring in much money, all she cared about was Mu Qing’s well-being.
Feng Xin always stayed by his side when they worked, some times they would argue while doing chores, and other times they would bicker over who got the blanket when they slept.
And maybe Mu Qing’s gut churned with guilt every time he caught himself looking at Feng Xin. Because he knew that he would never see Feng Xin look at him the same again.
And maybe he was right.
“I want to leave.”
Feng Xin thought he had heard Mu Qing wrong, and he yelled in disbelief. Mu Qing was not leaving. But the words were so clear, Mu Qing had betrayed them, he had turned his back on them again!
But Mu Qing did not say anything, only repeating his statement. “Please permit me to leave.”
And even after the explanation, no one listened to him, no one cared.
Feng Xin’s stare was cold, it hurt. It looked like shock and hate in one. But at the same time, his stare was filled with denial.
Mu Qing had laughed internally.
Look at Mu Qing. Fucking up everything in his life one by one!
Xie Lian pursed his lips and looked Mu Qing straight in the eyes, and then Mu Qing again felt like a child getting scolded.
But Xie Lian did not give him a reaction.
“Go.” he waved his hand and dismissed Mu Qing. Xie Lian had turned away and walked deeper into their small house while Feng Xin just stared back at him, it seemed as if he would fall right there.
Feng Xin looked as if he would cry, he looked like he would chase Mu Qing down and beg him to come back.
But Mu Qing could only walk away with his head ducked down.
Mu Qing could only remember what he was called. Mu Qing was a liar, Mu Qing was a cheater, Mu Qing was a fake!
Seared into his mind to remember till death was to come.
☼
After everything, Mu Qing decided the best thing he could do was cultivate again.
He still had his saber and he still had some skill. If he could cultivate again then he would be able to earn better money for his mother.
So he searched for a bit, his eyes curious as he walked across broken lands. In between searching, he constantly tried to build his cultivation higher and higher until he could get noticed.
And so he tried hard praying that just this once someone would be accepting of him.
Two months later, Mu Qing stood in front of an old heavenly official. He walked around Mu Qing, assessing him as if he were some caged animal.
But Mu Qing did not say a word, his head held high as he waited for the official to speak. When the official finished his assessment, he spoke in a scratchy voice.
“You will be working in the offices in the west corridors, start by sorting through books.” the elderly official had told him before walking off.
He had made his way into the heavens again and he would only rise from there. Mu Qing had been happy that he had gotten some good work, it did not matter what else had happened.
Until it did matter.
Mu Qing was standing by thirty-three other officials from the lower court, staring down at Xie Lian as if he had seen a ghost.
Mu Qing could not defend Xie Lian no matter how hard he tried, so he didn’t.
He needed to stay in the heavens, he could not risk all the hard work he had done.
He told Xie Lian to leave.
Xie Lian stared at him as if he were a stranger, but Mu Qing repeated it again.
He stumbled down the mountain, it was clear he hated Mu Qing. The other officials laughed mockingly while Mu Qing looked back and forth between them and Xie Lian.
He said he would be right back and ran without looking back.
Mu Qing stood in front of Xie Lian, his hand outstretched for him to grab. Xie Lian stared at it with hatred and threw wet mud at him, his screams of hatred filling Mu Qing’s mind.
Mu Qing backed away and let Xie Lian go, but Mu Qing felt guilty.
So he bought a sack of rice and visited the house the royal family and Feng Xin resided in.
He was welcomed by a surprised Feng Xin, disbelief turning into happiness as he ushered Mu Qing inside. He gave Feng Xin the sack of rice and told him it was for them.
Feng Xin seemed so thankful and told him that he was in the wrong for judging Mu Qing. He questioned the wounds on Mu Qing’s face and offered for him to clean it up.
But then Xie Lian came and Mu Qing knew that he would not make it out well. Xie Lian said they didn’t need anything, Feng Xin protested but Xie Lian shut him down.
Feng Xin was confused, and Xie Lian explained what really happened.
Mu Qing apologized knowing it was wrong. But Xie Lian didn’t care, he told him to leave.
Alongside his statement, he threw the rice at Mu Qing. Feng Xin seemed shocked the longer he heard Xie Lian talk.
And then again, his face was filled with the same hatred Mu Qing was so used to.
Mu Qing’s voice cracked as he tried to explain, but Feng Xin did not listen to him.
“If you put yourself in my shoes…”
But again, Feng Xin did not listen.
And then one after another Mu Qing spilled what had happened, the room was silent. And then the next moment Xie Lian was chasing him out with a broom. Mu Qing thought it was unfair Xie Lian had to taunt him.
He spoke again but Xie Lian didn’t care.
The next thing Mu Qing knew was that he was punched, blood dripping down his cheek. Mu Qing was frightened, Mu Qing was afraid. Mu Qing was always wrong.
Xie Lian said to leave. And Mu Qing decided to listen.
“...Fine. I’m leaving.” Mu Qing mumbled, his head ducked down in shame as he watched Feng Xin pant in anger. Xie Lian turned away and didn’t look back.
“I’m really leaving.” he choked out in some desperate attempt for them to turn around and say something. But Feng Xin looked at him like he was a stranger as well, except this time, Mu Qing thought it hurt.
Xie Lian had long disappeared into the house. Mu Qing took a step back, making eye contact one last time with Feng Xin before running off.
Mu Qing was cruel, Mu Qing was unjust, Mu Qing was horrible.
Mu Qing should’ve hated everyone, but he couldn’t find himself to do that.
He only hated himself.
☼
When Mu Qing returned to his mother, his cheeks were stained with tears.
His mother had rushed to him on wobbly feet and guided him to her small bed. She sat beside him, with a pained smile as she watched her son cry as if he were only a child.
Mu Qing was now twenty-one, but Mu Qing only felt like he was sixteen.
His mother wrapped her arms around his thin body and rocked him back and forth. She had whispered that he knew of his intentions, he was not wrong for leaving.
But Mu Qing didn’t allow himself to accept her words, only sobbing into her shoulder and wishing he could forget the way Xie Lian looked at him.
The way Feng Xin looked at him.
Mu Qing’s hands clawed at his mother’s robes and begged her to make him forget, he hated the feelings he had. Feng Xin hated Mu Qing.
Mu Qing could not accept that, but every time he closed his eyes he could only remember Feng Xin’s stare, filled to the brim with such hatred.
At one point Mu Qing fainted out of sheer exhaustion. His mother only sat by him and took care of him despite her own pain.
And maybe Mu Qing shouldn’t have burdened her, she was sick, she was blind, she was old.
She could not fend for herself, but Mu Qing didn’t seem to see that because he acted childish and begged her to not leave him.
But as Mu Qing watched her take her last breath a few months later on that very same bed, he realized just how much of a wretched person he was.
When Mu Qing buried his mother's body, he did not cry.
Mu Qing could only hate himself.
☼
Mu Qing ascends seven months later.
He was cleaning spirits and helping them pass on to their next lives when a bright light suddenly struck and took him along with it.
The next thing he knew he was standing in the middle of the heavens with officials gathered around him, wondering what new god had arrived.
When the light dimmed, they all stood shocked.
The Crown Prince of Xianle’s little servant has ascended!
Everyone had laughed at how stupid Mu Qing was to even ascend. Who did Mu Qing think he was to ascend when he had no status to shield himself with?
“Welcome Xuan Zhen.”
The name felt odd, just as everything did.
Jun Wu had guided him to the martial hall and showed him around, but even beyond his faulty facade, Mu Qing could see the pure boredom he held.
After that, a few civil gods led him to his palace and left without a word. No one had any interest in dealing with him, all they cared about was to mock.
Mu Qing's throat bobbed as he tried to take in the reality of the situation.
Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes as he realized just how lonely he was.
☼
When Feng Xin ascended a year later, there was a smile on his face.
Officials greeted him left and right, praised him for his skill, and begged him to even come near them.
Feng Xin was loved.
Mu Qing watched this unfold from his palace window, his eyes narrowed as he watched Feng Xin frantically try to keep up with the officials around him.
Feng Xin seemed happy as he greeted everyone, Mu Qing tried to fight the burning feeling in his chest. The longer he watched, the more it hurt.
Mu Qing turned away from the window, hoping he could swallow his feelings and forget about them. Even he knew that was impossible to forget.
Even after everything, Mu Qing still had his heart set on a man who hated him.
But as usual, he ignored it. Returning to his office with his head held high.
What he didn’t realize though was golden eyes searching for him, the crowd was large but Feng Xin could only keep his eyes out for one man.
Even surrounded by all those people, Feng Xin felt empty.
☼
A century had passed, Mu Qing had not talked to Feng Xin yet.
Mu Qing avoided Feng Xin in every way he could. But now that Feng Xin was a god too, they shared the South.
Mu Qing with the Southwest and Feng Xin with the Southeast.
It was hard to ignore each other when they could barely stay away. Feng Xin tried to seek Mu Qing out on several occasions.
But Mu Qing only ran farther and farther, his shoulders hunched in on himself as he fought the churning in his chest once more.
The same situation repeated over and over again until Mu Qing’s death.
“You’ve been ignoring me.” a sharp voice had said, their voice clear to Mu Qing’s ears even as his mind had long hidden.
Mu Qing held his breath as he ignored Feng Xin, not giving the pleasure of an answer. He dipped his brush into the small bottle of ink and held it over his scroll as if waiting for Feng Xin to say something.
When Mu Qing didn’t say anything, Feng Xin pushed on. “You can’t keep doing this, we will have to talk at one point.” he sat on the bare floor, it was undignified for a person of his status to do as such. But Feng Xin didn’t seem to care.
The brush moved smoothly across the paper as Mu Qing slowly wrote out his reports for Ling Wen to go over. He would not respond to Feng Xin.
Even if Feng Xin’s presence scared him, made him want to stand on the tips of his toes and try to make himself look bigger than he was.
“Mu Qing,” Feng Xin had said, his voice leveling a whisper as he spoke. “ Please. ” his tone edged one of desperation.
Mu Qing hated it.
“Why are you here?” Mu Qing asked, clearly not wasting any time to get to the point. He did not want Feng Xin anywhere near him, his presence alone hurt Mu Qing.
Feng Xin sighed, the tension in the room palpable. "We share the same territory, we can’t keep on going like this." he shuffled closer to Mu Qing and sat by his desk, but Mu Qing didn’t dare raise his head, lest he slip up and tell Feng Xin everything he wanted.
Mu Qing continued to write, his expression remaining impassive. "I’m surprised you are acting so civil."
Feng Xin clenched his fists, frustration evident on his face. Mu Qing knew it pissed Feng Xin off that he wouldn’t give Feng Xin a proper answer. But Mu Qing didn’t care about what Feng Xin thought. "Do not ignore what I am asking."
Mu Qing's hand paused for a moment—as if actually thinking about Feng Xin’s words—but then he quickly resumed his writing. "I am busy right now. Please refer to my deputies if you have any issues."
Feng Xin scoffed, disbelief clearly something he loved to use. “Fucking speak, Mu Qing. Enough with the riddles and speak your damn mind. You will need me at one point.”
Mu Qing finally looked up from his scroll, locking eyes with Feng Xin. The intensity in his gaze was enough to make Feng Xin falter for a moment.
"I don't need anyone, Feng Xin. " Mu Qing stated coldly. "And I certainly don't need you. " Mu Qing seethed, his teeth gritted as he watched Feng Xin halt his movements.
“Fuck off with that Mu Qing.” Feng Xin spat. “I said you can’t keep this up forever. Grow up already!” Feng Xin scolded as if Mu Qing was a mere child!
Mu Qing shook with rage and he couldn’t help but drop his brush, the ink splattered all over the scroll, but Mu Qing didn’t notice as he grabbed the lapels of Feng Xin’s thick robes.
“Who do you even think you are?! Barging into my palace and wasting my time! We are equals now, you can’t act like you are my higher-up now Feng Xin. ” Mu Qing shook Feng Xin’s figure, he wanted Feng Xin to react, for Feng Xin to say something.
But Feng Xin only watched him with his eyes wide open, he was confused.
Mu Qing wanted to laugh at that, how cruel was Feng Xin to torment him like this? Even in times when he ruined Mu Qing, he still managed to be unaware.
“Mu Qing, I…” Feng Xin didn’t touch Mu Qing, he didn’t even dare to try. His hands were running from Mu Qing’s own.
A loud laugh left Mu Qing’s throat, a bitter, wretched laugh. This was it, Mu Qing was going insane and Feng Xin was here to watch!
“Spit it out! You are afraid of me now, right? The poor little servant is now your equal. It disgusts you!” Mu Qing yelled into Feng Xin’s face, hoping he could get it through his stupid brain.
Feng Xin seemed to bristle at the statement and pushed Mu Qing off of him. “Don’t put words into my mouth! I didn’t say shit! You and your fucked up brain are only saying that!” he stumbled as he moved to pull up Mu Qing by his sleeve.
Mu Qing let out a gasp as Feng Xin dug his knee into Mu Qing’s stomach. “Get off me, you oaf! Don’t call me stupid! If anything your mind is fucked up!”
A hand came to forcefully grip his chin. Feng Xin made Mu Qing look him in the eyes, Mu Qing tried to push Feng Xin off, but Feng Xin only dug his knee farther down.
“I hate you.” Mu Qing was just tempted to spit in Feng Xin’s face. “Get off me!”
Feng Xin watched him for a moment, his eyes narrowed as he slowly let go of Mu Qing. He backed away slowly and sat on his knees, waiting for Mu Qing to sit up.
Mu Qing clenched his jaw and got up with a small grunt as he adjusted his robes, his constant glare at Feng Xin the only thing he could keep up.
“I wish to court you.” Feng Xin had stated as if Mu Qing’s cold heart hadn’t stopped right there and then.
And then as always, the room was silent.
Mu Qing’s harsh breaths didn’t seem to come to a halt as he stared at Feng Xin in disbelief.
“Did you not hear me?! I said I hate you!” Mu Qing dropped his hands into his lap, he yelled at Feng Xin but he was pretty sure that Feng Xin didn’t care.
It felt so wrong to hear those words come out of Feng Xin’s mouth, Mu Qing felt as though he could only hear lies.
“Allow me to court you, Mu Qing.” Feng Xin repeated, but Mu Qing could only hear lies.
Mu Qing stumbled on his knees and punched Feng Xin in the chest, it wasn’t strong, nor was it weak. But it was enough for Feng Xin to fall back on his elbows and look up at Mu Qing with a dazed expression.
“You do not get to come in here and say you want to court me after everything! This is all some big joke and I am not going to fall for it. I hate you, Feng Xin. You should hate me too.” Mu Qing’s voice went from yelling to a soft whisper at the end.
He felt as though he would cry, he could fall right there and then just because of how overwhelmed he was. Mu Qing hated this stupid feeling that Feng Xin gave him, who did Feng Xin think he was?
“I do not hate you. I hated you at one point. I think maybe, I do resent you, but I understand why you did it Mu Qing.”
“Get out!” Mu Qing threw the nearest object he had to him, this being a floor cushion. “You have no right to say you understand me!”
Mu Qing did not want to hear Feng Xin out. All he wanted to do was run to his room and muffle his cries into his pillow. He could not let Feng Xin near, Mu Qing felt like he would cry.
His eyes burned horribly and his hands were shaking as he picked up another pillow and threw it at Feng Xin.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you so much—
“I’m sorry,” Feng Xin whispered as he stood up and walked to Mu Qing slowly, his expression pained as he kneeled in front of him. “I have no right to understand you. I’m sorry.”
Mu Qing tried to move away from Feng Xin’s touch. Every word that fell out of Feng Xin’s mouth hit Mu Qing straight in the heart. Feng Xin’s expression twisted into a frown as he wiped away the tears that fell from Mu Qing’s eyes.
“I’m sorry Mu Qing.”
Mu Qing wanted to question where the tears even came from, but before he even knew it, Mu Qing was crying. A gut-wrenching sob pulled itself out of Mu Qing’s chest and echoed throughout the room.
And suddenly Mu Qing couldn’t stop the words that left his throat, he was cursing at Feng Xin. Yelling at him to leave Mu Qing alone. But Feng Xin didn’t even say anything, all he did was wrap his hands around Mu Qing and pull him into his chest.
“I’m sorry, Mu Qing.” Feng Xin repeated, it sounded so earnest that Mu Qing could only force himself to believe that maybe Feng Xin meant it. “Please allow me to court you.”
Maybe Feng Xin wanted him.
Maybe Feng Xin was honest.
Feng Xin’s hand was running up and down his back as he whispered apologies over and over again into Mu Qing’s ear, as if he was begging Mu Qing just this once.
Mu Qing muffled his cries into Feng Xin’s shoulder, nobody wanted a man who could not hold himself high. Yet here was Feng Xin, on his knees for Mu Qing and begging for his forgiveness.
As if it was Feng Xin who wronged him and not the other way around him.
“Tell me you hate me. Tell me you hate me and leave me alone.”
“I don’t want to leave, you can’t either.” Feng Xin tucked the hairs that fell in front of his eyes and frowned as he watched Mu Qing’s face scrunch up in anger.
“Feng Xin, I am not the same person I was once. Whatever stupid fantasy you have of us is nothing but a fake!” Mu Qing tried to fight under Feng Xin’s touch, why couldn’t Feng Xin just listen?
“I intend to use my time to understand you. I don’t want to be stubborn.” Feng Xin’s voice was set as he tried to hold Mu Qing’s face, but Mu Qing roughly pushed it away and glared at him through heavy eyes.
“What are you even going to give me, huh? You wish to court me yet I see no offering.” Mu Qing croaked as he tried to wipe his tears, attempting to ignore the wet patch on Feng Xin's robes. Mu Qing was already embarrassed enough, if he looked Feng Xin straight in the eyes he wouldn't notice then.
Feng Xin seemed to flush at Mu Qing’s words and quickly moved his hands to pat his body, clearly searching for something.
“I…” Feng Xin then grabbed the golden ribbon in his hair and pushed it into Mu Qing’s hands. Feng Xin’s hair fell down to a little past his shoulders, his dark hair falling in sweet waves. “This is all I have for now.” he swallowed down the nervousness in his throat.
Mu Qing looked at the ribbon for a moment, he eyed it with confusion as he picked it up. He let his hands smooth over the thin ribbon and twisted it over and over again.
“You will leave me, Feng Xin. Do not offer yourself to me, what will I even do?” Mu Qing questioned as he glared at the ribbon in his hands.
Feng Xin did not seem to back down at the statement. “I will do what I’ve been wanting to.” he seemed hesitant as he leaned forward, his lips just barely a few inches from Mu Qing’s own.
He stayed there for a moment, as if waiting for Mu Qing to say something. Waiting for Mu Qing to push him away.
But Mu Qing’s breath only hitched as he watched what happened, with a shaky sigh he asked, Mu Qing did not know what to believe. “There is no way could want me.”
Feng Xin grinned as he leaned even closer, and with this, Mu Qing could basically feel Feng Xin smiling against his lips. “I thought it was obvious.”
And maybe Mu Qing could believe him just this once, maybe Mu Qing could indulge in this pleasure Feng Xin gave him. If that was what Feng Xin wanted. Mu Qing was willing.
Mu Qing said he hated Feng Xin, and he truly did mean it when he said he did. The amount of pain one man could do truly surprised him. But alongside the hate was that wretched feeling in Mu Qing’s chest that had followed him for years.
Maybe he could acknowledge that.
“I’m not rushing into this. We are going to go at my pace.” Mu Qing said, his hands begging to be touched by Feng Xin’s own.
Feng Xin grinned, nodding fervently as he watched Mu Qing’s every move. “We can do whatever you want. Just don't leave me again. I’m tired of walking away.”
Mu Qing kept his eyes on Feng Xin, wondering when he would just tell Mu Qing what he really meant. But Feng Xin was adamant, and Mu Qing couldn't help but listen.
“Braid my hair, won't you?” Mu Qing placed Feng Xin’s ribbon into his hand and vaguely gestured for his hair, a hesitant smile on his face as he waited for Feng Xin’s reaction.
It may sound like a small statement to anyone else, but both of them knew what it meant. Mu Qing trusted Feng Xin, he could allow that to be said.
Mu Qing trusted him enough to let Feng Xin in.
“ Fuck yes. ” Feng Xin said as he grabbed Mu Qing’s robes and pulled him in so they were lying on the ground, Feng Xin on top of Mu Qing as he kissed him.
Mu Qing had many things to say.
They had a lot of time, and Mu Qing intended to use every second of it. There were a lot of things they needed to discuss, more fights were surely going to spiral.
Mu Qing knew that the conversation wasn’t going to end there, Mu Qing had done many wrong things. He was going to confront what he needed.
But the weight of Feng Xin’s lips against his own was that constant reminder that he had a chance.
Feng Xin’s presence was what Mu Qing craved, he had it now.
Mu Qing’s hands snaked around Feng Xin’s neck, and all he could think about was how happy he felt.
Sitting in Mu Qing’s office, huddled under Feng Xin’s embrace. Mu Qing felt warmth, and it felt odd. Just as everything did.
But Mu Qing had all the time in the world to get used to it.
☼